Would you think this unreasonable after pregnancy loss?

[Randomquestion1]

A married couple, DW with no DC and DH with DC from previous relationship.

They have multiple pregnancy losses whilst TTC, some early others not and discover condition which means they may never have a successful pregnancy. DW decides she can't be around DSC at the moment so goes and stays with her parents whenever they stay. She is okay when they aren't there but can't cope being around them or seeing DH parent.

After a month of this the DH doesn't think it can continue any longer as it's unfair on DSC and DW needs to start spending time with them again, DW doesn't feel ready to spend time with them yet and wants to continue going to parents whenever they stay.

(Random vote)

YABU - DH should let his wife deal with it in her own time and understand his DC are a trigger at the moment.

YANBU - DW now needs to start spending time with her DSC even if it's incredibly hard as it's not their fault.

She knew he had children ....yes she did, but she expected to have children of her own as well .The grief of knowing that she can become pregnant, but will likely never carry a child to term, is enormous. Everything he does with his children she will never ever do with her own child. She will always be ,at best, their stepmother.
He is very probably grieving the loss of the children they would have had together, but he has children already. They look like him, they have his mannerisms, his intonation. When he talks about ' my children' they really are his. No one will ever say " Oh right, so you are their stepfather". He isn't, they are his. It's totally different.
I think they both need counselling and ,without it, the relationship is probably doomed.
It is difficult for all,but, for a woman who desperately wants children of her own, it must be agony.

Why do people seem to think it’s only the wife that is suffering? ever loss she had was a loss for the husband too? Maybe he needs support as much as she does. Just because he has children it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the loss of the others just as much.

This. DW is in a hell of a lot of pain and it is a case whatever she needs to stay sane. If DH doesn’t understand this then the relationship has no future. I am in the woman’s position myself and I cannot even look at babies or children right now, which may mean losing friendships because I cannot tolerate anyone’s children.

There's no right or wrong answers here.

I'm in a similar predicament. Children are here 50/50 and they're 6 and 8. I've had three miscarriages, genetic testing and may never carry a baby because of it. We've just done IVF and are genetically testing them to see if it's a possibility. It's expensive, mentally and physically draining, and hard for my partner to wrap his head around the soul crushing grief. However I've resigned myself to the fact that I have to coexist with children and babies in the world (my SIL is due today actually, as is everybody and their cat it seems).

Has the wife set a timeline?

Also this!

in a similar position, my DP (whose family are in another country entirely) asked if they could dial down the family whatsapp news on a niece born during a stims round of IVF so I didn’t have to cope with someone else’s good news during a vulnerable and emotional time on IVF hormones. Family understood and used different channels, he told me sensitively himself after my egg retrieval. That’s what a supportive and understanding DP does! This DH is really very unkind and lacking in empathy.

I think the wife is being unreasonable. She married a man with children who are part of her life.

I honestly don't think the wife would be disappearing to her parents house to get away from her own child if she had one under the circumstances, so she shouldn't be doing it to her stepchildren who live in the home part time.

(*Similar but no step children - although if there were any seeing them would be like pouring salt on an open wound).

I also suspect a lot of the people answering YANBU have no clue how much pain and grief is wrapped up in pregnancy loss, infertility or childlessness. Their answers give it away!

That's the whole point. These aren't her children.

That’s such a sad situation for both spouses.

She is dealing with devastating grief but has presumably been in the children’s lives some time now? He is probably grasping for normality, perhaps not in the most the most ideal way but there isn’t really an ideal way to deal with the fact his children live there part of the time and will have bonded with her.

Like this one - if she had a child, the grief would still exist but she would not be childless! How stupid.

If she had a child already she would be facing secondary infertility which is very painful too but a whole different thing to facing a gaping chasm of a future without any children of your own ever. It’s agony!

Is this incompatible genes? With the treatment being LIT and mixing bloods from donors? You don't have to answer. I'm on an infertility thread where a woman is soon to start treatment.

I don't think either are being unreasonable. But I do think a month isn't that long. I've had secondary (which I know isn't the same) infertility for 4 1/2 years (with surgeries, lots of failed ivf, miscarriages) and at times I've been fine being around other children, other times I've avoided them like the plague (and been quite open with people that I just don't want to see their child). Time can change a lot of things. The wife should not be rushed, this dh needs to stop putting pressure on. Counselling is needed here I think.

I honestly don't think the wife would be disappearing to her parents house to get away from her own child if she had one under the circumstances, so she shouldn't be doing it to her stepchildren who live in the home part time
This is probably exactly what the DH is thinking and maybe the reason the marriage won't survive.
The woman is not only grieving the loss of her babies, she's currently grieving the loss of parenthood itself. The future as she had planned it has been tugged away from her again and again.
If she had her own child, she would still grieve her babies but she would also still be someone's Mum.
It's not the same thing at all and it is monumentally stupid and insensitive to pull the "if they were her own child card" in this case. They aren't and never will be and it will be in her face as long as she remains married to their father. She will either find a way past this or not, but she doesn't deserve the disdain.

When I had my MC the nurse at the hospital told me to give myself a year to get over it and that was just one loss. I was totally heartbroken for many months and seeing a pregnant women or a newborn in a supermarket was devastating.

Her DH needs to give her plenty of space and time to get her head straight. He has children and could go on and have more children with some else so he will never understand how she feels. He is being completely selfish and thoughtless. What's wrong with him spending time with his kids on his own while their SM who isn't well has some time out. She needs time and plenty of it.

It’s been 4 weeks. The DW is, understandably, still in shock and grief. I think they need to sit down and explore how to move forward. It might be slow stages. Leaving it too long will make it hard to repair the relationship but I’m 100% not placing any blame on the DW, I wonder if she is already reconsidering the relationship and thinking about the future. It’s really difficult and painful.

His attitude of just get on with it is so unbelievably selfish and self serving.

He sounds thick as shit.

The wife deserves much better, and if she generally is one of those SM's who does loads of parenting for her husband's children, she should think long and hard about her future.

The grief she must be feeling is unimaginably hard and so final.

This sounds like such a sad situation for both of them

is he annoyed because you are not staying around to co parent his time with the children though ?

Another one saying a month is nothing.

DH needs to give her the space she needs.

The kids are surely there to see him not her?

PS I think the voting is confusing. A lot of people may be voting YANBU without realising you’ve set it up so that that means the DH is right. They are saying YANBU on the basis of thinking you are theDW (which may or may not be right) and they think the DW is not unreasonable.

that’s my take from the comments anyway.

I’ve been in a similar situation. 4 weeks was nowhere near enough time to come to terms with it.

I don’t think you can actually put a timeline on this sort of grieving. However, I can see that it cannot go on forever without damaging DW’s marriage and relationship with the DSC.

But I think she needs at least six months of understanding from DH and then look at what parts of family life she feels able to deal with. If the answer is that she can’t deal with trying to integrate the step children into her life at that point, they may need to accept that the relationship is over.

DH needs to recognise that while the news affects him, it affects his DW far more and in different ways. So whilst he may be able to deal with it in four weeks, it is unreasonable to expect her to.

That may be the case or his DCs may be struggling to come to terms with why an adult who spends half the week with them suddenly doesn't want to spend time with them anymore. Parents going into relationships with people who aren't the other parent want stability for thier children. He may even feel like he is being made to feel guilty for maintaining contact with his DCs.

I think the wife needs to think about what she wants. Even without the DSDs spending half the week apart is not good for most marriages.

I am 6 weeks on from a full term stillbirth and barely surviving. 4 weeks is nothing. You've got to do what you can to get through it.

It's clearly not sustainable in the long term, but 4 weeks isn't the long term - it's the blink of an eye. My advice is therapy, ASAP, and trying to spend small amounts of time with the kids when you can.

Everyone needs to back off and take the pressure for normality off. It's not going to be normal maybe ever, it's going to be a whole new normal (which frankly may not include DH).

I can't vote on this and I don't have anything helpful to add but I just wanted to extend my sympathy to the couple involved. This sounds awful. I wish them all the best.

@VeryEmptyArms Words can’t help at times like these but I am so sorry for what you are going through. You said:

Everyone needs to back off and take the pressure for normality off. It's not going to be normal maybe ever, it's going to be a whole new normal (which frankly may not include DH).

I think that is both excellent advice and an excellent summary.