Ex DP remarried

[Happyclapper18]

To expect my ex DP with whom I share care of our 2 DS's to tell me that he got married? We do not have a good relationship and speak as little as possible but this seems to me to be relevant information.

I personally do think YABU - your kids are 15 and 19, there is no reason for him to have told you and it's really not your business.

If he did ask them to lie then that's not great but again at 15 and 19 I'd expect them to make their own decisions with that. It isn't really clear if he actually told them not to tell you or if they just thought it would be best not to

And what repercussions did he get for this behaviour?

But why?

Perhaps you need to look at your reactions and question why it is the boys didn't want to tell you about the marriage.

As long as your DC knew theres no reason for him to tell you. My ex remarried and didn't even bother telling our DC let alone inviting them.

My DDs father got married and I had no idea. We hadn’t been together for a long time but I didn’t expect him to tell me. As long as his wife was good to my DD I didn’t really care

It's nothing to do with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP our situations sound quite similar and I wouldn't expect to be told - like you I'd be hoping he'd move on and stop punishing me for leaving him. God knows how other women find these abusive shits attractive.

Anyway, I'm engaged and don't plan to tell him about my wedding either.

I don't understand why it is relevant to you? What affect does it have on you? and in what way does it affect your children, that then affects you or you need to support them with?

I just don't see how it is relevant. When we got engaged, DH didn't tell his ex, and when she then got engaged, she didn't tell him. She knew when our wedding was, but only because we changed some arrangements around DSS so he could attend more events we were having. If it were a new sibling or something I'd understand you wanting to know but that his relationship has legal standing? I don't think that is relevant to the ex.

I understood you but they don't live together so I don't see how it will affect financial arrangements. When it does that's when he needs to tell OP.

Oh, come on. This is information that directly impacts on OP's children. It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

If your DC were younger it might be relevant. As they are aged 15 and 19 it isn’t really. They’re old enough to discuss the new situation with their dad themselves. They’d have told you sooner if they thought it was anything to do with you.

The children know. And they don't live together.
I would expect OP to be told if it was going to affect maintenance payments eg. When they move in together I think he'll be able to reduce maintenance due to her children. Or if it affected where the children live, eg. They move. So at that point I'd expect OP to be notified.

I do agree that telling the children to not tell OP is not on if that is what has happened but my apologies I didn't twig that had what had happened from your first post OP.

Yabu. It’s none of your business. Your DC are not children, one is an adult, the other is not far off.
This is clearly bothering more that you care to admit for whatever reason. Maybe use it to finally let fully go.

I wasn't told but did have to pay for hair/ shoes ect for DD's. Which l was not at all happy about but I did my best for my DD's. DD's were not bridesmaids which I thought was sad.

Yabu. Your ex and your 2 children didn't tell you for a reason. Your children are 15 and 19 years old why would he tell you, he told them.

It might have been what they wanted. My DSC weren't bridesmaids as they don't enjoy having attention on them and also they stood with their father and were part of his party.

I left him due to his abusive behaviour and he's never been able to accept that he can't control me anymore.

He is married to someone else and didn’t bother to tell you, so doesn’t seem like he cares much? Seems more the other way round to me… also not sure how you ‘share care’ of a 19yo unless SEN and the 15yo is surely also able to deal with DF directly. So no, not relevant.

No idea why you had to pay for shoes and hair etc

Are you living in what was the marital home and if so are you a part owner, or does he own it while you have contributed? If the latter, you need to make sure you don’t lose out to his new wife. Otherwise no interest really other than to save kids putting their foot in it. Sounds like he is controlling the new wife anyway - what a strange marriage!

Relevant to what?

Reading your earlier post about the dinner situation, I WAS wondering whether your 15 yo was a bit of a shit stirrer.

In terms of should he have told you about the impending nuptials, you say:

• he's abusive


• you have virtually no contact


• your kids are aged 15 and 19

On that basis, no, I don't think he has any obligation.

And don't you go telling HIM if you remarry either.

My DD's only got an invite because they asked for one. They were never asked about being bridesmaids. They still had to participate in front of everyone without being asked if it was ok. Luckily there was a free bar so the day wasn't all bad!

It's not about whether its 'appropriate' or not that he tells you. He doesn't have to tell you. He chose not to. That's that.

You carry on ignoring anything he says to you unless it's about your 15 year old, and spend less time thinking about him and his life.

Thankfully you are away from him now and he is somebody else's problem.

How can your ex-DP re-marry? You weren't married to him in the first place.