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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids party whose BU - me or husband?

83 replies

CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 06:49

Our eldest party coming up. Primary school age. DH and myself have had a disagreement about the guest list. Bear in mind this is the first party we are doing due to previous disagreements which led me to just not have a party and just have a family day out instead. So this is her first ever party. I’ve invited the whole class.

Disagreement is he wants to invite both his sisters and nephews/nieces to DD’s birthday which is being held in a soft play type area. They are 23, 20 and 14. At a push the 14 year old may be able to come but not the 23and 20 year old! DH has been fighting with me that it’s his “bloody money” and he can invite who he wants and I’m not allowed to invite my nephews and nieces who my kids actually play with. My side of the family are the following ages:

Sister 1- 5, 7 and 10 (I’ve invited)
Sister 2 - 16 and 19 (NOT invited)

I don’t wan’t to drip feed so here’s some background:

1). My kids play with sister 1 and sister 2 kids and FaceTime at least weekly. My kids have no clue about DH’s nephew and nieces as they don’t bother with us. When DD was born sister-in-laws and their kids didn’t come to see her till she was one years old.

  1. I have NEVER attended sister-in-laws kids parties in the many years of marriage as they have never invited me. They use to invite DH before our marriage but after I came into the picture they stopped and excuse was that we didn’t have kids which I understood but still they could have been a little more welcoming of me into their family.

3). they constantly bitch about me to MIL and vice Versa. They make up loads of crap that is laughable.

4). they are really cold to DH But for some reason he doesn’t see it. They have get togethers and don’t invite him. I know because the MIL “accidentally on purpose” drops little hints. I know it makes him feel crappy

OP posts:
YetiTeri · 03/07/2022 06:55

Honestly just let him invite them. They'll think it's weird and will be desperately trying to find a reason not to come. They wouldn't be seen dead at a soft play place at that age. If you don't invite them, it gives them a fake reason to feel slighted.

In terms of how they treat you, you need to find a way to deal with that in yourself. It's not about you, it's about them. You can't change other people's behaviour all you can do is change how you respond.

YetiTeri · 03/07/2022 06:57

Also tell sister 2 the truth. You're inviting in-laws because DH wants to and they're welcome to come but understand if it's not their thing. She'll bite your hand off not to come (no offence to birthday kid).

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 03/07/2022 06:59

I don’t understand why anyone would want to invite teenagers and above to a kids soft play party - on either side of the family!
let him invite them - they won’t come.
But I think you have a bigger problem than with your husband thank who you invite to a party! Is he always so controlling with money? Are you a SAHM?

RampantIvy · 03/07/2022 07:00

They won't want to come, and it would be rather pointless if they did. These places have an upper age limit, and unless you have DC there using the equipment these places are loud and not pleasant places to sit in and chat.

Tothepoint99 · 03/07/2022 07:01

Just invite them. With any luck they'll decline anyway.

SparklingPeach · 03/07/2022 07:02

Just invite them. They won't want to come anyway!

Cornettoninja · 03/07/2022 07:03

Has your DH actually ever been to a soft play? Unless it’s one attached to a pub it’s not exactly the kind of place adults who don’t have a child there congregate.

I agree with a PP, don’t stand in the way of inviting them, I think there’s a high possibility they won’t come anywhere near it off their own backs. I think this is one of those times you have to let him draw his own conclusions about how his side treat him.

KangarooKenny · 03/07/2022 07:06

I never invited family to the party for classmates. I’d do a separate tea at home for them.

Stevienickssnickers · 03/07/2022 07:11

No grown up wants to go to soft play. I'm sure they'll decline.

MissMogwai · 03/07/2022 07:11

Why on earth does he want to invite 14 and 20 odd year old relations?
I highly doubt any of them would want to go to a soft play birthday party?!

His comment that it's his bloody money is odd. Why can't you invite your nieces/nephews who are similar in age?

WhatNoRaisins · 03/07/2022 07:11

Agree with PP, I can't imagine even the 14 year old wanting to come to this

waveyourpompoms · 03/07/2022 07:14

Just invite them. They won’t turn up.

Gizlotsmum · 03/07/2022 07:16

Does the soft play have an upper age limit? Does you husband know this? So they would just be hanging around? I would be tempted to invite them (expecting them to decline) and then he can’t complain that you are treating your family differently

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 07:21

I’m on extended maternity at the moment with my second so not earning anything so he’s right it is his money.

the soft play age limit is 12. After 12 you cannot use the play equipment.

I just find it unfair that he makes my kids miss out on so much. I don’t see my sisters as he’s controlling. I only see them st family functions and FaceTimes. Whilst pregnant with second they came to help me out and he came home banging the doors and swearing. He did apologise to me later but it’s embarrassing.

OP posts:
Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 03/07/2022 07:23

Just invite them. This really isn't worth bickering over.

NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 03/07/2022 07:24

The birthday party is the least of your problems.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 03/07/2022 07:27

Why would you be paying for 24 yr old plus at at party?

Surely the birthday child gets to decide.

But that’s not important, the fact he is controlling who you can see and potentially moving into financially abusive territory is. What kind of relationship do you want to model for your child?

Motherofmonsters · 03/07/2022 07:29

I don't want to go to my own child's party at a soft play so I can't imagine they would want to come.

Also agree the party isn't the real issue here

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 07:29

The thing is, if he asked me in a different way I would say yes invite them but the fact he belittles my family and says horrible things like “those fucking twats” about my little nephews and nieces is what makes my blood boil and fill me with rage. He has to pick on my family rather than just say “I’d like to invite my nephews and nieces too”. I think the problem is he’s definitely a dick but rather than deal with him in a way that causes less argument or kills the argument I explode at him as he’s being an idiot

OP posts:
ZooMount · 03/07/2022 07:30

Sounds like you've got bigger issues than this party op.

KangarooKenny · 03/07/2022 07:31

It’s not ‘his’ money, it’s joint money.

KangarooKenny · 03/07/2022 07:32

And he sounds like a dick, and an unpleasant man.

converseandjeans · 03/07/2022 07:35

Just suggest a family get together at home for grandparents, aunts, nieces etc. I don't think extended family are usually there for whole class parties.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 03/07/2022 07:35

You have way bigger problems than a party.

He sounds abusive - both emotionally and financially, plus he sounds incredibly controlling.

He's not a nice man OP.

WhatNoRaisins · 03/07/2022 07:35

Is he a nice person normally because you're not painting a great picture of him