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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids party whose BU - me or husband?

83 replies

CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 06:49

Our eldest party coming up. Primary school age. DH and myself have had a disagreement about the guest list. Bear in mind this is the first party we are doing due to previous disagreements which led me to just not have a party and just have a family day out instead. So this is her first ever party. I’ve invited the whole class.

Disagreement is he wants to invite both his sisters and nephews/nieces to DD’s birthday which is being held in a soft play type area. They are 23, 20 and 14. At a push the 14 year old may be able to come but not the 23and 20 year old! DH has been fighting with me that it’s his “bloody money” and he can invite who he wants and I’m not allowed to invite my nephews and nieces who my kids actually play with. My side of the family are the following ages:

Sister 1- 5, 7 and 10 (I’ve invited)
Sister 2 - 16 and 19 (NOT invited)

I don’t wan’t to drip feed so here’s some background:

1). My kids play with sister 1 and sister 2 kids and FaceTime at least weekly. My kids have no clue about DH’s nephew and nieces as they don’t bother with us. When DD was born sister-in-laws and their kids didn’t come to see her till she was one years old.

  1. I have NEVER attended sister-in-laws kids parties in the many years of marriage as they have never invited me. They use to invite DH before our marriage but after I came into the picture they stopped and excuse was that we didn’t have kids which I understood but still they could have been a little more welcoming of me into their family.

3). they constantly bitch about me to MIL and vice Versa. They make up loads of crap that is laughable.

4). they are really cold to DH But for some reason he doesn’t see it. They have get togethers and don’t invite him. I know because the MIL “accidentally on purpose” drops little hints. I know it makes him feel crappy

OP posts:
bishbashboshhhhh · 03/07/2022 08:10

I think you have bigger issues than a party tbh. Why are you with him?

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 03/07/2022 08:12

Dear God OP, why are you with this utter clumpmuffin? Let alone inflicting him on innocent children as a father? You need some serious help here to see what's going on. Please go over to the relationships board and tell them what he is like, you will get excellent advice and support. 💐

MissMogwai · 03/07/2022 08:14

itsgettingweird · 03/07/2022 08:00

Have you ever considered his desperate want to invite them is exactly because he feels excluded and wants to try and integrate himself into his family more?

Why exactly does it bother you so much to tell him who and can and can't invite from his family? I get they aren't particularly bothered about you but I take it he doesn't dictate who you can and can't invite from your family?

And why not invite your sister 2? Soft play parties don't need everyone playing and extra parts of teenage hands if they want to come are always useful to supervise!

If you read the OP, she states he's said her sisters kids can't come. So he is dictating who can and can't come.

Add in the controlling behaviour, horrible name calling of her child nieces/nephews, and 'his money' - sounds like a man who knows exactly what he's doing to isolate and control his wife.

greatblueheron · 03/07/2022 08:16

It's joint money; you're a family.

I'd reconsider being a 'family' with him as he's abusive, financially, emotionally and physically (loud, banging on things when you want to see your own family).

Call Women's Aid. Get support in leaving.

Blinkingbatshit · 03/07/2022 08:18

He’ll look a total plonker inviting teens & young adults to soft play🤣….let him crack on!! Seriously though, I can see why maybe his family keep their distance - perhaps they have experienced his controlling nature too? Once you’re back at work you need a game plan to get out.

Manchester1990 · 03/07/2022 08:19
  • it’s your money aswell if you’re off work looking after his child
  • he sounds like an absolute dick, why haven’t you left him
MajorCarolDanvers · 03/07/2022 08:22

Just invite them. It gives you a few extra adults to supervise the children.

pilates · 03/07/2022 08:22

I think the party invitation is the least of your worries

ShandaLear · 03/07/2022 08:22

There is no way in hell anyone over the age of 7 wants to be at a soft play, and that’s pushing it. I’d let him fill his boots and invite as many as he likes. There’s usually an age or height limit so they won’t be able to actually use the soft play but don’t tell your DH that. Also, make sure that he’s the one hosting them and you don’t get lumbered with it.

BackToTheTop · 03/07/2022 08:23

So he's financially abusing you / it's not HIS money, it's family money for starters. And he calls you family 'little twats' / you have bigger issues than a party op

rainbowstardrops · 03/07/2022 08:32

As others have said, you've got bigger problems than just a party guest list.

Oh and it's NOT his money! It's JOINT money. Stupid man

NoSquirrels · 03/07/2022 08:35

I think the problem is he’s definitely a dick but rather than deal with him in a way that causes less argument or kills the argument I explode at him as he’s being an idiot

I think the problem is he’s definitely a dick but rather than leave him I explode at him as he’s being verbally and financially abusive.

Fixed it for you.

Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 03/07/2022 08:35

Ah, I misunderstood your post. I thought the "you can't invite your neices and nephews" was tit for tat so if his were invited, yours would be too. In that case, I'd stop worrying about the party and start thinking about your marriage and how long it can last - he sounds like a nasty bully.

BuanoKubiamVej · 03/07/2022 08:38

Go ahead and let DH invite them (you don't need to do so). Chances are they will decline anyway. If they accept then there's no harm done. Soft play will be full of total strangers anyway so it doesn't matter that some of the total strangers are distant relatives.

PurpleWisteria · 03/07/2022 08:39

This will be the rest of your life, OP.

Get out now.

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 08:41

Thank you everyone I have posted on relationship board for advice with DH and my situation. Thank you for the replies

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 03/07/2022 08:45

Are you allowed to have that many over 12's at the soft play? At our soft play they ask you to keep the number of adults at a party to a minimum due to limited space. If you are expecting the parents to stay you will all be squashed into a small space, there probably won't be enough seating for everyone.

Invite them, they won't want to go if they've been to a soft play before and if they do go, assuming they live locally they'll be off pretty quick. There's nothing for them to do, they can't go on the soft play and they won't want to stand/sit with random parents and screaming kids for two hours. I've been to a few soft play parties this year, it's bloody boring being a spectator! The party food is usually for the kids only.

I'm assuming there's a charge for each adult at the soft play? Can't be more than a few £. Is your DH going to buy them all a meal and drinks from the cafe?!

Fraaahnces · 03/07/2022 08:59

I’d just let him invite them. Why on earth would they be interested? He’s setting himself up for disappointment again.

MummyJ36 · 03/07/2022 09:07

Honestly the amount of posts on here with women putting up with absolute dhead husbands is astonishing. Why are you putting up with this? Why are you letting him come between you and your family? I literally can never understand why women keep rolling over and accepting this kind of crp !

Thinkingblonde · 03/07/2022 09:11

CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 07:21

I’m on extended maternity at the moment with my second so not earning anything so he’s right it is his money.

the soft play age limit is 12. After 12 you cannot use the play equipment.

I just find it unfair that he makes my kids miss out on so much. I don’t see my sisters as he’s controlling. I only see them st family functions and FaceTimes. Whilst pregnant with second they came to help me out and he came home banging the doors and swearing. He did apologise to me later but it’s embarrassing.

Invite them, that way you can’t be maned st for not doing so.
And invite your own relatives too , he maybe the one earning the money at present but you’re contributing too, Your unpaid contribution is just as valid as his. You caring for his children is equally important. Why won’t he ‘let’ you see your family? Go and see them, he’ll have to deal with it and be grown up, and not act like petulant toddler.,

CallOnMe · 03/07/2022 09:29

Genuinely OP why are you with him?

Is this how you want to live the next 18+ years of your life?

Do you not want to be with someone who respects you and you can discuss in an adult manner about your child’s party and get excited about planning it?

I’m sorry but I feel really sorry for the children in this situation.
You’ve already said they’re missing out and they have to hear you arguing over their birthday.
That’s really not fair.

I don’t understand why you would have another baby with a man who doesn’t even like you.

Let him invite whoever he wants. Get through the party and then leave.

Use the time whilst he’s at work to work out a plan of how you’re going to leave.
Please do the freedom programme as I think you may be too weak to leave or to not go back to him just now so you need to spend some time getting stronger and realising you deserve better.

ManateeFair · 03/07/2022 09:43

CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 07:21

I’m on extended maternity at the moment with my second so not earning anything so he’s right it is his money.

the soft play age limit is 12. After 12 you cannot use the play equipment.

I just find it unfair that he makes my kids miss out on so much. I don’t see my sisters as he’s controlling. I only see them st family functions and FaceTimes. Whilst pregnant with second they came to help me out and he came home banging the doors and swearing. He did apologise to me later but it’s embarrassing.

Why are you focusing on the inconsequential issue of inviting adults to a soft play party? That is not actually the problem here. The problem is the fact that he’s abusive and coercive and you haven’t left him.

SunshineAndFizz · 03/07/2022 09:45

Meh, just invite them. It's no big deal. Doubt they'll come. And so what if they do?

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 03/07/2022 09:49

CookieMonsterMummy · 03/07/2022 07:21

I’m on extended maternity at the moment with my second so not earning anything so he’s right it is his money.

the soft play age limit is 12. After 12 you cannot use the play equipment.

I just find it unfair that he makes my kids miss out on so much. I don’t see my sisters as he’s controlling. I only see them st family functions and FaceTimes. Whilst pregnant with second they came to help me out and he came home banging the doors and swearing. He did apologise to me later but it’s embarrassing.

It’s not his money, it’s family money. He is the father of you child? Then his income is covering you whilst you care for his child.

this attitude smacks of financial abuse. Is he always like it?

as an aside, invite them, they won’t want to come anyway.

Dajeeling · 03/07/2022 09:55

OP cut the maternity leave short (yes I know it’s hard but this isn’t a nice life either for you right now) and get back to work as soon as you can.

Then get rid of him ASAP.

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