Kids party whose BU - me or husband?

[CookieMonsterMummy]

Our eldest party coming up. Primary school age. DH and myself have had a disagreement about the guest list. Bear in mind this is the first party we are doing due to previous disagreements which led me to just not have a party and just have a family day out instead. So this is her first ever party. I’ve invited the whole class.

Disagreement is he wants to invite both his sisters and nephews/nieces to DD’s birthday which is being held in a soft play type area. They are 23, 20 and 14. At a push the 14 year old may be able to come but not the 23and 20 year old! DH has been fighting with me that it’s his “bloody money” and he can invite who he wants and I’m not allowed to invite my nephews and nieces who my kids actually play with. My side of the family are the following ages:

Sister 1- 5, 7 and 10 (I’ve invited)
Sister 2 - 16 and 19 (NOT invited)

I don’t wan’t to drip feed so here’s some background:

1). My kids play with sister 1 and sister 2 kids and FaceTime at least weekly. My kids have no clue about DH’s nephew and nieces as they don’t bother with us. When DD was born sister-in-laws and their kids didn’t come to see her till she was one years old.

2. I have NEVER attended sister-in-laws kids parties in the many years of marriage as they have never invited me. They use to invite DH before our marriage but after I came into the picture they stopped and excuse was that we didn’t have kids which I understood but still they could have been a little more welcoming of me into their family.

3). they constantly bitch about me to MIL and vice Versa. They make up loads of crap that is laughable.

4). they are really cold to DH But for some reason he doesn’t see it. They have get togethers and don’t invite him. I know because the MIL “accidentally on purpose” drops little hints. I know it makes him feel crappy

What else do you disagree about?

How are your finances whilst on maternity leave?

What a prince of a man you're married to! Good luck with your divorce...which I'm assuming you are applying for!!!!! 😱

Has he always been so nasty? What's the rest of your marriage like? How do you deal with finances when you are earning? Do you own your home or rent it? If the former, how do you pay the mortgage ? Whose name is the house in?

He sounds horrible and controlling, both financially and emotionally. The party is least of your worries.

For the party, let him invite them. They probably won’t come and if they do, your DC will be running around with their mates and won’t notice or care about any extra adults standing around. It won’t impact on their experience of their party, which is the important thing here. And you’ll be busy being party host so you won’t have to talk to them.

But yeah, you have bigger issues to deal with.

Pick your battles.

Let him invite who he wants to the party. If they do actually turn up, say, "Oh I'm glad you are here" and put them to work in some way... laying out food, monitoring the soft play, cutting up cake. Spare adults who are not supervising kids don't get to stand around idly at my parties!

Then your challenge for the next party is to get shot of him. He sounds appalling and you sound at your wit's end. He treats you disrespectfully, he belittles your family and he's financially and emotional controlling. Don't let living with this be your future (and your DC's).

The alternative of course if you think you could get away with it would be to tell him the wrong date/time for the party...

Get him to spend "his" money on therapy and anger management. I can't believe your kid misses out on a party because their parents couldn't compromise over the invite list, just invite everyone, guaranteed the older kids/adults will decline!

Agree with the PP the birthday party is the least of your problems. But if he wants to look an idiot let him invite them.
He sounds horrid I'm wondering if it's learnt behaviour from the rest of his family. It's not just his money you had this baby together. When I was on maternity leave the money we were paid was pooled together so we obviously had less overall but it was mine and his money still.

My child will be 4 at his next birthday and we’ll just be inviting friends that are his age to his party. He’s very close to his cousins that are 10/11 but if we invite them then he will only play with them meaning that we may as well not organise a party for him! We’ll be doing a birthday tea for the family on a different day. Could you maybe do something separate with family?

I don't think yabu regarding the party. I DO think yabu to still be with this man who, based on what you have said here, is abusive towards you. I am concerned not only that he seems to be trying to isolate you from your family , but also by the fact he appears to be succeeding I have been on MN for almost 20 years and have never said this before, but i think you need to LTB.

I can just see teens being delighted to sit around for an hour at soft play, then get given a tiny plate of chicken nuggets and chips. Not. Will the venue even provide the child-size portion to over 12s?

Just invite them as they won't come. Then give your dh a few cold truths as you pointed out. He should feel thoroughly ashamed trying to answer some questions.

Surely by inviting them they don’t take a soft play place, for all intent and purposes it’s another adult standing around.
and yes you have way bigger issues

Very weird. We are extremely close with my siblings but would never dream of them inviting my older teens to a soft play party, even my ten year old is pushing it.

most also don’t allow adults in that don’t have a child with them so would they even allow adults and teenagers in that are above the age limit?

I’m on extended maternity at the moment with my second so not earning anything so he’s right it is his money.

He is NOT right, it is NOT ‘his’ money and he can f**k right off for saying that.

Why are you with him?

Have you ever considered his desperate want to invite them is exactly because he feels excluded and wants to try and integrate himself into his family more?

Why exactly does it bother you so much to tell him who and can and can't invite from his family? I get they aren't particularly bothered about you but I take it he doesn't dictate who you can and can't invite from your family?

And why not invite your sister 2? Soft play parties don't need everyone playing and extra parts of teenage hands if they want to come are always useful to supervise!

This is weird! No one invites extended family to soft play parties unless they have a good reason to be there e.g. their own kids are invited, or grandparents who are very involved in the kids lives.
He's clearly not listening to reason so let him crack on and just explain to your family that you aren't going to subject them to forced attendance at a soft play party. He won't do it again

He's trying to control you and stop you inviting your sister and her kids.

Why are you with such a horrible man? You know his behaviour is abusive, right?

But the party aside I do agree with others that this isn't really the big issue. It's just the one you're focussing on.

I agree with others - tell your sister's children they can come if they want to - tell your husband he can invite his adult relatives - its very likely they will decline but even if they don't they won't be playing on the soft play equipment with the kids they'll be sitting in a corner with their hands over their ears.

At this point the party is pretty irrelevant given your updates.

You are being controlled. You need to get out of this relationship. Imagine all the days out and future parties you could arrange without him dictating every aspect of your life.

Let him invite them then get back to work and get rid off him

The party is obviously not the real issue here. But why on earth would teens or twenty somethings want to come to a soft play party? They will be ignored by the birthday child who will be charging around with her friends and will end up doing lots of "which one is yours" awkward small talk with other parents if the kids are too young for parents to drop and go.