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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DHs work expecting too much?

128 replies

FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 10:39

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable, or DH's work is, or DH....

So he worked his standard 5 day week. Is due to stay away from home anyway next Mon-Tues. Yesterday, they announce with no notice they also want him working the whole of this weekend too - not optional.

He had commitments for this weekend; our DCs have an award ceremony that is important to them and DH is a key role in it. And it's also going to mean he's worked a 7 day week.

He hasn't challenged it at all, just said yes.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/07/2022 08:04

Sorry OP what a spineless dickhead :( Enjoy the awards with your kids and dont waste the moment recording it when he can't be arsed about attending.

Ohthatsexciting · 02/07/2022 08:06

Hercisback · 02/07/2022 07:59

Tell him to stay elsewhere tonight and mean it.

He's checking out of family life so may as well not be there.

I can’t get my head around giving this sort of advice when you have no idea of all the detail and the people involved are all complete strangers to you

Jalisco · 02/07/2022 08:10

FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 12:24

Yes it's a large corporate. And I'm sick of it. We're just rats in a maze, seniority is meaningless if your life can be controlled like this.

Show quote history

Sorry but I don't think the company are being unreasonable. I think your husband is. An employer can ask for whatever they want - it doesn't mean that an employee, however senior, has to say yes. And most wouldn't say yes. Your husband has created this situation by always putting work before everything and it is his approach that needs fixing.

Snog · 02/07/2022 08:10

This isn't a great employer but DH can choose to push back - say he is too busy to work at the weekend for either all or part of it. Or he can change job.

There are plenty of jobs where this would never happen. If he earns over £100k I think it's a whole lot more common to have the company dictate your life.

SnowyLamb · 02/07/2022 08:16

Snog · 02/07/2022 08:10

This isn't a great employer but DH can choose to push back - say he is too busy to work at the weekend for either all or part of it. Or he can change job.

There are plenty of jobs where this would never happen. If he earns over £100k I think it's a whole lot more common to have the company dictate your life.

I don't. I think if you earn over £100k you're more likely to be doing the kind of work where you're so immersed it you want to do it and it becomes a way of life, but I also think in most cases you have a lot more control about when and how you do the work.

Onceuponaheartache · 02/07/2022 08:24

Your husband is a dick for letting the kids and award thing down.

I get his position however his company are potentially in breach of the working time directive by not giving compensatory leave. The law states you cannot work more than 6 days out of 7 unless compensatory leave is given. It is calculated on a rolling 12 week calendar so you would need to work it out based on how many times this has occurred in the last 12 weeks.

If it is jkey he is involved he should agree to certain aspects but point out he has a prior commitment to the award ceremony that he will be upholding.

Why not invite senior bod to the ceremony?

bumpytrumpy · 02/07/2022 09:07

Januarytoes · 01/07/2022 11:40

He should step out of work for the award ceremony.

He will actually get more respect at work for fulfilling his important family commitments than if he didn't.

Can you explain that to him? Who wants to work with someone who looks like he never has any life except his work life? He just needs to say he'll be unavailable Saturday afternoon or whatever. Work will be grateful for him coming in the rest of the time.

This!! Totally fine to say he can work part of the weekend but not x morning / afternoon.

If he's pretending it's not ok then you have a whole different issue about why he's happy to check out of family life.

bumpytrumpy · 02/07/2022 09:13

Good luck for the ceremony today. If I were you I'd be having an epic weekend with the kids - can you take them for a night away today and a fun day somewhere tomorrow? Let him miss out on them and give yourself some thinking space about the marriage

ClocksGoingBackwards · 02/07/2022 09:28

The company shouldn’t put him in that position, but that’s a minor thing on their part. They don’t have any obligation to your children, their obligation is to the company and it’s shareholders so naturally, they will seek to do what’s best for them. They don’t know there’s a problem if every time they put in an unreasonable request their employees jump to it.

This is a problem that lies entirely with your husband. Would he have cancelled a weekend that involved a hobby he was passionate about or an obligation to his friends or parents?

Its all about priorities. He prioritises work because he thinks the consequences from them will be worse than from you, and you have to change that idea he has.

MacaroniBaloney · 02/07/2022 09:42

Was it short notice for him, or short notice for you. Seems a weird set up that suddenly on Friday a VIP needs a weekend chaperone.

Either he's had to step in for a drop out, or he knew but put off telling you.

Candleabra · 02/07/2022 11:14

OP he WANTS to work. He may say otherwise but actions speak louder than words.

SnowyLamb · 02/07/2022 11:25

FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 10:49

It's not an emergency situation in any way. Someone more senior has decided they're coming to visit so DH has been summoned to drop everything and attend meetings / events etc with him across the weekend.

I hate to jump to the usual MN conclusion, but are you sure this is work?

DH is "senior" and someone more senior than him, ie very big boss, has decided to visit and schedule meetings over the weekend, at the last minute? This doesn't happen, unless there's some huge crisis going on

Original poster
FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 13:58

Oblomov22 · 02/07/2022 07:46

Why have you not spoken to him about all this. What did you say last night? Do you shrink away from saying what needs to be said, normally?

I have spoken to him about it. I've said exactly what I've said here. He doesn't see the issue and thinks I'm being unsupportive as this is something that happens occasionally not every week, therefore there is no discussion as far as he's concerned. We are at checkmate, there's nothing more to be said. I'm not about to walk out of a decade long marriage so currently we are just not really talking to each other

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 14:01

Snog · 02/07/2022 08:10

This isn't a great employer but DH can choose to push back - say he is too busy to work at the weekend for either all or part of it. Or he can change job.

There are plenty of jobs where this would never happen. If he earns over £100k I think it's a whole lot more common to have the company dictate your life.

No he doesn't earn over 100k. A good amount but not that much. If he did, I'd agree it comes more with the territory. However, even then I'm a big believer that there have to be some boundaries in life between work and having some semblance of family life beyond it which is protected and can't just get cancelled with no notice

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 14:04

MacaroniBaloney · 02/07/2022 09:42

Was it short notice for him, or short notice for you. Seems a weird set up that suddenly on Friday a VIP needs a weekend chaperone.

Either he's had to step in for a drop out, or he knew but put off telling you.

I agree. That's why I doubt the truth. He's not stepping in. The very senior person has apparently said theyre coming for the weekend and scheduled a range of meetings/ events they want him at. They even called us 8.30pm Fri eve to make arrangements with him. I told DH he's basically being used as their little b*tch and he got really mad at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 14:05

SnowyLamb · 02/07/2022 11:25

I hate to jump to the usual MN conclusion, but are you sure this is work?

DH is "senior" and someone more senior than him, ie very big boss, has decided to visit and schedule meetings over the weekend, at the last minute? This doesn't happen, unless there's some huge crisis going on

Show quote history

100%, I heard the guy calling to make arrangements. There is nothing suspicious about this other than that I suspect DH has actually known it was happening for much longer and only just told me.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 14:11

We are at checkmate, there's nothing more to be said. I'm not about to walk out of a decade long marriage.

Well, that’s your choice. You will have to put up with it then.

He’s made his choice - your anger and the children’s disappointment are not big enough consequences to him to change his attitude.

There’s nowhere to go with this, as you say. You’ve both chosen.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 02/07/2022 14:19

We are at checkmate, there's nothing more to be said. I'm not about to walk out of a decade long marriage so currently we are just not really talking to each other

Well, that's a pretty sad state of affairs for you and your DC.

Why have you fallen for the sunken costs fallacy? A decade is such a short period in your life - don't you think you deserve more?

Penguinsaregreat · 02/07/2022 14:20

Of course he could say no. He could say no, I am looking after my children, end of.
Instead he puts both you and his children behind work.
What would happen if you worked for a similar company, would your dh be ok with you doing the exact same thing that he has?

bluebeck · 02/07/2022 14:27

As you know OP, you have a DH problem.

How dare he accuse you of being unsupportive when that's exactly what he is guilty of?

However, you say you don't really want to do anything about it, and all previous attempts at discussing it have been futile, so I guess this is what you are settling for. Sad

Ohthatsexciting · 02/07/2022 15:00

I'm not about to walk out of a decade long marriage so currently we are just not really talking to each other

what a horrid environment for you, your DH and, most importantly, your children

Theblondestoftheblonde · 02/07/2022 15:10

Sorry to read this update. FWIW I earn over £100k and I wouldn’t have said yes to this.

I’d be pissed off IIWY and would be booking a counsellor. He is BVVVVU

RiojaRose · 02/07/2022 15:12

Bad enough that he missed the awards ceremony, but if he really has lied to you that’s beyond awful. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Augend23 · 02/07/2022 15:20

I earn good money, especially for where I live. I sometimes have to work over the weekend but usually I have an open and honest discussion with the big boss about when I can and can't do, make sure we have the cover sorted between us and some overlap for calls etc as required. If I was more grumpy I could probably insist we rotaed more people in but handing over sometimes takes more time than just dealing with it. When there was a particularly bad phase of weekend working for weeks I did insist on that and work complied.

Snog · 02/07/2022 15:23

I agree that it is DH who is being unsupportive here - of his dc. You are being supportive in picking up his slack.

It sounds like this kind of scenario is likely to be repeated in the future which I'm sure will impact the relationship between DH and his DC.

Only you know if this is a deal breaker for your marriage.