Is DHs work expecting too much?

[FluffingMarvellous]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable, or DH's work is, or DH....

So he worked his standard 5 day week. Is due to stay away from home anyway next Mon-Tues. Yesterday, they announce with no notice they also want him working the whole of this weekend too - not optional.

He had commitments for this weekend; our DCs have an award ceremony that is important to them and DH is a key role in it. And it's also going to mean he's worked a 7 day week.

He hasn't challenged it at all, just said yes.

Who is being unreasonable here?

Work is unreasonable and your dh is unreasonable for agreeing to let his children down.

He is letting you and your family down in favour of work commitments.

This isn't an employer expectation issue, this is a DH problem.

Everyone is unreasonable in this scenario.

This depends on a lot of things. It might eb unreasonable or it might not. Depends on frequency, role, seniority, salary, the type of company etc.

But it seems like the problem is not with his employer or working on the weekend with short notice. It seems like the problem is that he always priorities work over family time.

It sounds to me that because he hasn't put his foot down before or refused something similar that they are now taking advantage of him. He is making himself too available and they are using this to their own advantage. He needs to learn how to use the word NO or at least negotiate and say well if you do saturday I will cover Sunday or similar. It can't all be put on him.

Yes I do. I'm also senior level and have placed a big emphasis on maintaining sensible work life balance as I've grown my career, even when it's meant difficult negotiations to do so - so I think that's partially why this really irks me. On another level, I'm hurt for the kids and annoyed that DH's company are so callous with his personal time

In this case, I’d then use this weekend as a catalyst for discussing that Things Need To Change.

I hate that men don’t act like they have family commitments. He needs to believe it’s important, and he needs to look for a job where he can insist.

Re: who you choose to marry- people's careers change and evolve over the years. It has not always been this way. And, as I replied to a previous poster, I know it is possible to rise up the ranks without agreeing to do things like this at the cost of my family, because I'm senior level myself and I think it can be even harder if anything as a woman.

This is precisely what I said to him. I think he should do everything else (although I still think it's a bit much), but should have stood his ground re: the award ceremony

Yes it's a large corporate. And I'm sick of it. We're just rats in a maze, seniority is meaningless if your life can be controlled like this.

I like how everyone is assuming OP must be a SAH mum! Facilitated by DH big job 🙄

This isn't a job problem, it's a DH problem. I'm assuming they won't sack him if he says no. He has to set boundaries, it's the only way of managing. That said, with notice this sort of working can be expected when you're more senior

On another level, I'm hurt for the kids and annoyed that DH's company are so callous with his personal time

I think you are misplacing your anger. It sound like the problem is your husband and not the company.

I would give him an ultimatum to either be part of family life or we separate. I couldn't live like that, not least because I also work and want to be equal partners.

YANBU, your DH's employer is and so is your DH, who needs to set some boundaries, as a pp says.

I'm senior (c-suite) in a large corporate and there's NFW I'd be expected to do this. And if I was asked to I'd say "I can't" without explaining why. Assuming this isn't national security at stake or a huge IT outage affecting every customer and costing millions etc.

I'd be very pissed off IIWY.

So. He is a yes man. To his work

Not to you as a family..

He chose to work.
He could have said no
But didn't

He wanted to work

He made a choice. The man didnt want to attend your kids ceremony that's for sure

Took the words right out of my head!

He clearly prioritises work over family life.

I think the problem is the DH not setting expectations and boundaries with his workplace.

I expect it is optional not as described.

Totally unreasonable. This is not an emergency at all...

Your partner should have just said ''sorry but I have commitments this weekend that cannot be changed.''

I remember starting a new job as a team and programme manager (maternity cover) and the CEO tried to guilt trip some of us senior managers into working during a weekend. My response was ''no, I can't work weekends'' and I never did while I was with that organisation. Never had any negative repercussion from it and in fact they offered me the job permanently when the person I was covering for decided not to come back from they maternity leave...sometimes you just have to be firm with your boundaries and they won't try to push you around.

Your husband should really think about his family first rather than prioritising his job all the time...

I am also self-employed and will work on weekends for myself/my business if needed but never for an employer...life is too short for that and I know most employers just see you as a commodity.

Depends on the job. Police or armed forces? Part of the territory.

I'm with you, unless he is supposed to be on call at weekends and gets paid to do so (in which case he could have re arranged or swapped with someone else if he had something else on).

What if he was supposed to be best man at a wedding or something? Would he have said yes then? If not then they clearly can accept a no

It sounds like he has got into the position of being asked because he always says yes so they imagine he likes doing it or doesnt have anything else on outside work

Depends on the career, the type of employer, the seniority and expertise of the employee

DH used to work for USA companies who thought they owned him ( and me !) 24/7. They were mistaken.

@FluffingMarvellous this is a dh issue.

All he has to do is say im away this weekend i cannot come in

if hes not willing to say that you have problems and its not the companys fault that your dh wont say no

Also, check his contract. Unless this weekend working is explicitly part of contract they can’t make him.
i be agree though it is DH issue. I was very senior in global role before I retired 2 years ago. Was travelling 30%of my time and often over weekends . I was
paid a lot and it was part of the job
but I had firm boundaries. I would say yes in emergencies to weekend or extended days (no overtime paid at my level) but I would also say no . Sure, there were mumbles but tough. I did enough . They never pushed it though and it never penalised my career. They just knew if I felt I could and it was reasonable and justified I would. But if I couldn’t and didn’t want to - I wasn’t going to do it

i was also very open that I would take days off in lieu. If I was away from home for 12 nights ncluding weekends I’d be extending my weekends with Friday or Monday for at least 1 weekend, or taking Friday off before my flight out etc.

it really is down to what your DH is agreeing to and his boundaries. Men seem to think their family has to come second to career as far as their bosses are concerned. There is probably some truth in that in macho culture businesses. It like other posters stated, I know men in my business (quite male dominated) who were actually respected for leaving bang on 4;30pm each evening to get back for their kids. Sure they’d do work in the evening after kids went to bed, but they were very clear that there was a limit on their work life balance

Your problem is your DH and tbh someone who always does this will be taken for granted, overlooked and potentially not do their careers any favours.