Page 4 | Is DHs work expecting too much?

FluffingMarvellous · 2022-07-01T09:39:20+00:00

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable, or DH's work is, or DH.... So he worked his standard 5 day week. Is due to stay away from home anyway next Mon-Tues. Yesterday, they announce with no notice they also want him working the whole of this weekend too - not optional. He had commitments for this weekend; our DCs have an award ceremony that is important to them and DH is a key role in it. And it's also going to mean he's worked a 7 day week. He hasn't challenged it at all, just said yes. Who is being unreasonable here?

gingersplodgecat · 01/07/2022 22:17

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:43

It says a lot that he immediately know you won’t support him

im guessing the marriage isn’t particularly … healthy, in quite a few respects?

Yes, he immediately knew the OP would be pissed off. Because, once again, he had put work before family commitments, and this time fucked up an awards ceremony as well.

It's his relationship (and obsession) with work that's not healthy.

scarletisjustred · 01/07/2022 22:54

Your husband seems to be being used as a dogsbody by his work because he'll agree to anything. They won't value him for it either. I cant imagine any of the high performers I have worked with agreeing to this and they wouldnt be asked either. I think I'd have the locks changed for his return - might not be strictly legal but more effective than more conversations.

Besttobe8001 · 01/07/2022 23:14

He doesn't want to go to the awards ceremony. He hasn't even mentioned it to his employer, that yes he can work that weekend but he needs 4 hours off to do xyz.

I have run a large team of engineers. I had an important project go live over a weekend and one of them had annual leave booked for his wife's milestone birthday party. I strongly encouraged him to take the leave anyway, family is more important than work.

He decided to take the offered overtime and not attend the party. I really suspect that he told her that he had to work and that we "wouldn't take no for an answer" etc.

You don't have to support him in this. It's ridiculous. And it's mugging off your kids too.

lifecanbehardattimes · 01/07/2022 23:36

FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 10:43

He's a yes man. Never challenges or says no to anything. He feels bad about letting the DCs (and many other people at the award ceremony) down but just sees it as unfortunate.

He is an absolute workaholic and definitely puts work before most things.

Well he's certainly not a yes man to you and his kids!

That shows where his priorities lie!

lifecanbehardattimes · 01/07/2022 23:38

Your husband should have said that this weekend is simply not convenient as he has a commitment he can't reschedule!

He doesn't have to tell them any more than that.

Original poster

FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 06:56

Well...he's gone to work. Myself and the DCs are off to the awards on our own. He is acting happy happy and as though this is totally fine, says he spoke to the kids and they are "fine". My eldest says the little one was not at all "fine" about it. Apparently I am now meant to video so they can watch it back together (DH and DCs later). I'm frankly ashamed of him.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 02/07/2022 07:00

There is no way I would video it. I’d text him instead saying dc is upset you aren’t here and so am I. I’m not videoing anything for you, you can’t parent over a video and they will remember this.

Darbs76 · 02/07/2022 07:01

He needs to learn to say no. Have a word with him, say it’s not fair to let your family down. Surely there’s other people who can do it. They ask him as they know he will say yes

Ohthatsexciting · 02/07/2022 07:06

FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 06:56

Well...he's gone to work. Myself and the DCs are off to the awards on our own. He is acting happy happy and as though this is totally fine, says he spoke to the kids and they are "fine". My eldest says the little one was not at all "fine" about it. Apparently I am now meant to video so they can watch it back together (DH and DCs later). I'm frankly ashamed of him.

The children are disappointed

But try not to make the weekend generally full of tension to add to disappointment by having a pissed off mum and parents arguing

fundamentally it sounds like your marriage needs work. In this thread alone, he lets you and the children down, prioritised work over a weekend event and guilt trips you and you call him spineless and say you are ashamed of him.

this is a bigger issue and your children will suffer not just by a dad not being at events

ColadhSamh · 02/07/2022 07:09

He is the one who should be ashamed. Did he ask you to video it or did he sneak out of that and get the children to ask? Forget about him for the day and concentrate on having a great time with your children making new memories. His loss.

ivykaty44 · 02/07/2022 07:14

Yesterday, they announce with no notice they also want him working the whole of this weekend too - not optional.

yesterday was Thursday?

to give less than 48 hrs notice for overtime is not sounding legal, let alone unacceptable

problem is if the company behaves in this manner and no one stands up and states this isn’t acceptable- they’ll do it all the more

coffeecupsandfairylights · 02/07/2022 07:15

FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 06:56

Well...he's gone to work. Myself and the DCs are off to the awards on our own. He is acting happy happy and as though this is totally fine, says he spoke to the kids and they are "fine". My eldest says the little one was not at all "fine" about it. Apparently I am now meant to video so they can watch it back together (DH and DCs later). I'm frankly ashamed of him.

Don't you dare video it!

Let him learn his lesson. He's been horrible to his kids and has let them down at the last minute - he should feel utterly ashamed.

DasGirl · 02/07/2022 07:18

He is acting happy happy and as though this is totally fine, says he spoke to the kids and they are "fine"

Yeah, sorry OP but he didn't want to go to the awards so he's come up with an "acceptable " excuse

absolutelyknackeredcow · 02/07/2022 07:35

Hope you enjoyed the awards!
For what is worth, I'm C suite and female. Moving psst the fact that I wouldn't demand this at short notice, I would have accepted for some of weekend but only attended after my personal commitments complete. It's a DH problem

CheeseandBeetrootSandwiches · 02/07/2022 07:38

I work shifts so weekends, Bank holidays etc everything but my salary is good. I am in a union and we have an agreement with the employer not to change "rest" days without our consent. In our family, the rest days are the family time so if my manager asks me to change it, then it must be to my family's advantage.

There are those who work a lot of rest days but we're only allowed to work an additional 30% on our contracted hours as extra hours or overtime over four weeks.

Some managers will try and guilt staff into working extra hours but I've always refused. Work/life balance is important to family harmony and for your own mental health. It's not worth it unless you are gaining from it in my view. Sometimes they'll say, work an extra four hours into your rest day and we'll give you that time back...no, not interested.

My shift work does affect family life anyway (only one weekend off in six) so rest days are sacrosanct. You will never get that time back with the partner and kids. It's like that song, Cat's in the Cradle. My husband puts up with a lot with my roster...if he'd planned something in advance and I'd agreed to work he'd be so upset, and I wouldn't blame him. If I kept doing it, I would fully expect questions to be raised by him.

It might "only" be an awards ceremony but to the kids it's important but OPs DH doesn't see that and would rather work...I think OP needs to confront him and tell him the consequences of his decision, whatever they might be. A video is in no way compensation for actually being there.

notimagain · 02/07/2022 07:39

TolkiensFallow · 01/07/2022 13:16

Depends on the job. Police or armed forces? Part of the territory.

It actually can be in the civilian world as well, and not just in some top end Board job or similar roles.

For a long time where I worked our contracts stipulated that we could be called in for work on rest days with as little as twelve'ish hours notice (travel related industry). If called in we could be away from home for several days at a time.

There were pretty much zero grounds for refusal and not turning up would be grounds for a disciplinary/possible dismissal.

Cutting a very long story short as the company cut back on staff the process became more frequent and it caused a lot of problems for a lot of families/people due to partners missing birthdays, school and graduation ceremonies, etc.

Recourse to law failed and it took a lot of horse trading by union to provide a partial solution by tweaking part of the contract.

Without knowing what the partner does in this case and the contract it's hard to comment on whether they are being completely unreasonable or not.

YRGAM · 02/07/2022 07:40

If you can, try to get him to read this book. It's fantastically written and completely changed how my (m) attitude to work/life balance www.goodreads.com/book/show/796230.The_Sixty_Minute_Father. It's about 'unnecessary business' and really brings home the pointlessness of much of the overtime worked by men at the expense of their family life.

That's especially true in this situation - he's not a surgeon, he's not a human rights lawyer, he's just being asked to chaperone a big boss, probably so his own boss can look good. This is a situation entirely created by the rotten corporate culture in your husband's company, and the role his martyrdom ultimately plays in it.

I also think if he makes a stand on this kind of thing in the future, he will gain more respect in his company. I am a father with a fairly high level job, and because I set my stall out early, everybody I work with knows that my working on a weekend, or at any time when I'm meant to be looking after my son, is completely non-negotiable.

I'd have a serious chat with him when he's back. Try not to be too harsh - he likely feels the pressure of providing for his children and thinks he has to maintain this at all costs. But he has to understand that enabling this situation, and being busy when he doesn't need to, will see him pay a price he will sorely regret with his children. Good luck

Original poster

FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 07:41

ivykaty44 · 02/07/2022 07:14

Yesterday, they announce with no notice they also want him working the whole of this weekend too - not optional.

yesterday was Thursday?

to give less than 48 hrs notice for overtime is not sounding legal, let alone unacceptable

problem is if the company behaves in this manner and no one stands up and states this isn’t acceptable- they’ll do it all the more

Exactly. Except I think DH must have known for longer.

OP posts:

Ohthatsexciting · 02/07/2022 07:43

FluffingMarvellous · 02/07/2022 07:41

Exactly. Except I think DH must have known for longer.

Show quote history

So along with “spineless” and “ashamed” you also think a liar.

op - you do see the issue is much bigger than this don’t you?

SnowyLamb · 02/07/2022 07:43

I think it's highly unlikely this work is compulsory. DH is doing it because he wants to, either for the money or the kudos or because that's how he prefers to spend his weekend.

I worked for 25 years in a predominantly male environment where some people worked very long hours and weekends. No one was forced to, very few women did and neither did the men whose families were important to them.

Oblomov22 · 02/07/2022 07:46

Why have you not spoken to him about all this. What did you say last night? Do you shrink away from saying what needs to be said, normally?

B0ssAssB1tch · 02/07/2022 07:46

You really don't have to put up with this. He's ever so happy to let his own children down if it makes him look good in front of a bigwig. Prick.

Idontevenknow · 02/07/2022 07:54

I couldn't put up with someone so spineless and who is also completely happy to let our children down in order to look good to their bosses. I totally agree with you OP.

Hopefully the children are OK today and the ceremony goes well. But I'd be having a serious conversation with him about where his priorities are when he comes home

Hercisback · 02/07/2022 07:59

Tell him to stay elsewhere tonight and mean it.

He's checking out of family life so may as well not be there.

notimagain · 02/07/2022 07:59

I guess my PP was TL;DR.

Some companies do issue contracts that allow them to assign work at short notice over previously planned days off.

Bottom line is without knowing the contract in this case none of us here are in a position to know whether the partner is lying or not, a push over or not, able to decline the work or not.

Saying "they can't do that" or "that's illegal" is pure speculation.