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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DHs work expecting too much?

128 replies

FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 10:39

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable, or DH's work is, or DH....

So he worked his standard 5 day week. Is due to stay away from home anyway next Mon-Tues. Yesterday, they announce with no notice they also want him working the whole of this weekend too - not optional.

He had commitments for this weekend; our DCs have an award ceremony that is important to them and DH is a key role in it. And it's also going to mean he's worked a 7 day week.

He hasn't challenged it at all, just said yes.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
DomPerignon12 · 01/07/2022 13:45

Well if you both have similar positions then he has to sort his shit out.

Throckmorton · 01/07/2022 13:55

The issues isn't the company, it's your DH saying yes to it. Companies can ask things of their employees, that's fine. What isn't fine is your DH not pushing back. Put the blame for this where it actually belongs, ie on your DH, and address that issue

sazzy5 · 01/07/2022 13:59

Your DH is the problem, you would say no and work would find someone else. My DH has a senior job and is away a lot, he always factors in any big or important events though.

timeisnotaline · 01/07/2022 14:03

FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 10:49

It's not an emergency situation in any way. Someone more senior has decided they're coming to visit so DH has been summoned to drop everything and attend meetings / events etc with him across the weekend.

I’d expect him at the ceremony and I’d tell him so. I’d respect him more at work if he said ok I can be there until 2 then I have to attend an awards ceremony for my daughter/son.

timeisnotaline · 01/07/2022 14:07

Definitely the catalyst for a come to Jesus conversation. Ok, pretend I have a burst appendix and am in hospital and you are running back and forth between the hospital and the dc- work say we need you this weekend what do you say?
pretend I’m hypothetically divorcing you because you never prioritise us, very legitimate reason by the way Dh so pretend very hard- do you ask for a few hours contact on a Saturday with your children? Or would you commit to more regular contact knowing you would have to keep to it? Your pissed off wife would offer you zero flex unless you were willing to be similarly accomodating- remember women do not divorce men so that they can keep playing the hardworking unvalued wife role.

Original poster
FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 14:17

We've had so many Come To Jesus conversations I'm losing the will. On this, he told me about it via message not even in person and said "I know you won't be happy but I need your support". I don't feel I SHOULD support him being totally spineless and putting being at a more senior manager's beck and call above a pre-arranged important commitment to our DCs.

I'm guilty myself of working very long hours in the eves at home. I don't mind him doing that. But as others have said, if something like this came up for me I would flat out say no. In fact, we have a conference coming up which I booked well in advance so DH knew to cover school run. I was asked to come an extra day and said I couldn't, as he wasn't able to cover that day. It wasn't an emergency- I was still doing the "main" part. A few mumbles yes, but no impact on my career.

He just doesn't see the big issue with this. But I do also think the company shouldn't be putting him in this position to start with.

All I can think is perhaps he's actually known for a long time and been too spineless to tell me. THAT would make more sense from the company perspective because then they aren't just springing it on him last minute and expecting him to drop any plans.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 01/07/2022 14:18

I once had this at my workplace (don't work there any more). They hadn't had a stock take in 10 years and we had to work a weekend as well as all week. So 2 weeks no break and longer hours. No one except for one lady going to a wedding was allowed to decline. We did get paid extra though.

DasGirl · 01/07/2022 14:27

I think you may find the award ceremony is not as important to your husband as you think it is.
My DH goes to any lengths to get out of the dance shows!

Rewis · 01/07/2022 14:27

because then they aren't just springing it on him last minute and expecting him to drop any plans.

Are they expecting him to drop any plans. Or did they simply ask and he agreed without any hesitation, leading the company believe that it's a non-issue?
It really sounds like a crappy situation that he prioritises work over family. If you've had several come to Jesus talks then it's time to present some consequences.

Blowthemandown · 01/07/2022 14:30

Unless it’s in his contract he has to make himself available at weekends, this is unreasonable (unless he was happy as no plans and they asked with no expectation). Seems a bit short notice so if he hasn’t forgotten perhaps it is an emergency. In which case he should man up and say ‘we have plans, some of which can’t be changed. So I can do X and Y but not Z and will need cover’. Sensible adult conversation. He can still do this - ring boss and say ‘I’ve just been reminded I have to be at Z tomorrow so can you please arrange cover’. Most people don’t like to impose and will be reasonable if made aware - if boss is not aware will think DH is on with it?

NoSquirrels · 01/07/2022 14:34

He just doesn't see the big issue with this. But I do also think the company shouldn't be putting him in this position to start with.

It’s all one problem though. Because if HE doesn’t think the company is unreasonable or doesn’t care that they put him in this position, then he’ll never a) push back or b) leave.

So it’s a big DH problem if it’s impacting you and the DC and you need to think if the time of Come To Jesus conversations is over and the time of Ultimatums For Change is here…

I’d also be livid at the ‘I need your support’ message. Fuck that.

Dishwashersaurous · 01/07/2022 14:39

The most salient point is that he doesn't see an issue with it.

If he did, then he would work around the situation.

But he doesn't seem a problem with it.

gingersplodgecat · 01/07/2022 14:42

It seems to me that the company has learned that he is willing to work extra hours at short notice, so he has become their first port of call.

Why wouldn't they? This is not an issue with the employer asking too much.

The problem is that your DH is a 'Yes' man to them, and happy to say 'No' to his family.

DasGirl · 01/07/2022 14:42

On this, he told me about it via message not even in person and said "I know you won't be happy but I need your support

I sincerely hope your going to leave him to tell the children himself. Don't make this easy for him. He's already copped out by texting to tell you rather discussing with you

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:43

What’s your outgoings like op?

big debt and mortgage?
children in private schooling?

if he is the main earner - these weigh heavily upon your shoulders

AchatAVendre · 01/07/2022 14:43

Rinatinabina YANBU, companies need to stop pulling this shit and employees need to start saying no. If you are being paid mega bucks And are a CEO or head of service or something it comes with the territory but for everyone else its just a malignant way for corporations to basically have business being conducted 24/7 without having to pay in a way that reflects this.

I couldn't agree more. My DH is a design engineer who isn't meant to travel to fix installations as part of his job, but his work sent him to CHINA 5 days before Christmas a few years ago. No-one else would go and they pleaded with him. But did they offer him any extra money? No, of course they didn't. He went thinking (wrongly) that it might lead to a promotion/pay rise one day. He got 4 days off in lieu (wow) and because he didn't have a company credit card, had to put all of the expenses on his own bank card and claim it back at the end of the month for the following month's salary. So he was essentially lending credit to his own employer.

He got back late on Christmas Eve... He couldn't get a taxi and then train (massive queues, cancelled services) so I had to do a 2 1/2 hour round trip to pick him up from the airport. Fortunately, I was off work by then. He slept most of the Christmas Day.

Again, no-one minds this kind of thing too much as a one off if you're well paid but he hasn't had a pay rise of more than 1.5% for the past 9 years! He did actually leave that job after being stuck on a plane with two oil and gas industry engineers going to the same place who were being paid triple time to go to the same place for their employers.

This sort of issue is quite easily addressed by modernising employment law...

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:43

It says a lot that he immediately know you won’t support him

im guessing the marriage isn’t particularly … healthy, in quite a few respects?

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:45

FluffingMarvellous · 01/07/2022 12:24

Yes it's a large corporate. And I'm sick of it. We're just rats in a maze, seniority is meaningless if your life can be controlled like this.

Show quote history

What type of business do you work for?

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:47

All I can think is perhaps he's actually known for a long time and been too spineless to tell me. THAT would make more sense from the company perspective because then they aren't just springing it on him last minute and expecting him to drop any plans.

if that is the case Op - this issue is a drop in the ocean compared to some pretty negative stuff that evolving in your marriage

AchatAVendre · 01/07/2022 14:48

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:43

It says a lot that he immediately know you won’t support him

im guessing the marriage isn’t particularly … healthy, in quite a few respects?

Why should someone else support another employer?

I'm a lawyer. Its not my business to support an engineering company but that was effectively what I was doing when they were unable to transport their own employees home on Christmas Eve due to their business practices.

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:49

Huh? Confused

my point was he said immediately “I know you won’t support me”

NoSquirrels · 01/07/2022 14:53

To be completely clear, I absolutely 100% agree that the company should not be putting their employees in this situation.

But given that they are, and are therefore a shitty employer, their employees are left with the choices of a) put up with it b) push back against it or c) leave.

Your DH has chosen a).

You’re not employed by this company so it’s not your fight and you cannot effect change.

Your issue is your DH’s commitment to family life. That’s the only thing you can influence.

Theblondestoftheblonde · 01/07/2022 16:21

OP, I'd not be happy about "I need your support" either because what he really means is "please don't moan at me, please keep quiet and let me get away with this"

I think it's entirely possible that he's known for longer than you think.

But, on the assumption that you love him and want to work it out, I'd wait and have a calm conversation about how things need to change and what he's going to do about it. I speak as someone who has in the past gone off on one and actually, I've realised as I get older that it probably is better to wait and have a respectful and sensible conversation and listen to each other.

AmIOverReacting20 · 01/07/2022 16:33

Yes, the "I need your support" is just another way of saying "keep sweet" if anyone has seen that?! You are allowed to voice your dissatisfaction with a situation.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 01/07/2022 16:44

I don't think the company is at fault for asking - your DH is at fault for saying yes.

I used to be in management and was often asked to drop things and change my day at the last minute - sometimes it made no difference what days I worked, so I agreed, but if I had plans or just couldn't be bothered, I didn't hesitate to say no. The world didn't collapse.

You say yourself your DH is a workaholic - that's on him - not his company. Maybe you need to decide whether you're happy for him to keep putting everything work-related above you and your DC?

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