Feeling very private about my pregnancy with regards to in-laws - AIBU?

[RougeRosé]

Has anyone felt ferociously private about their pregnancy? It's happening to me and I am a little shocked.

I have come to realise that a pregnancy and labour are very intimate things for me and that my body and my new family do not suddenly belong to the public domain just because I'm pregnant. This is something no one ever told me.

I discuss very intimate things like my own insecurities about becoming a mother with people I trust, namely, my DH, my mother and my close friends. I can have more lighthearted conversations with acquaintances (baby names, health issues). But when it comes to my in-laws and strangers, I just shut down. I can't help it.

For context, I will admit that I am no people pleaser. Some things I don't enjoy are:

-Being the centre of attention
-Being touched by people I am not close with
-Cooing over babies
-Having corny (pregnancy) conversations

My MIL makes me the centre of attention in a very anxious way (but it doesn't feel genuine—rather because I'm carrying precious cargo?), rubs my belly even when I cover it with my arms and handbag, wants to exhibit me before her extended family so they can all admire/ touch my bump and say how cute it is (ew), calls me affectionate names since she found out about the pregnancy and absolutely smothers babies with attention—so much that it has made me feel awkward in the past. I just cannot give her the type of bond she craves the same way she cannot give me the adult-to-adult friendship I would like to have with her.

She's a good woman and I feel lucky to have them as PIL, but something doesn't add up/ come across as sincere. I get that they are excited, but why would she/ they become more affectionate with me since we revealed the big news, when we have known each other for a decade? Is it because they have a reason to be extra nice to me now? Unfortunately, that makes me feel like they have ulterior motives.

We have told them about major things like the sex of the baby, the medical evaluation results, the due date and so on. But I can't open up to them about baby names or other things that involve my feelings. I even had covid and we never told them (my DH's call). It comes as a shock for them because the baby is all they ever want to talk about. They will try to talk about other topics but it soon becomes obvious that it's just a warm-up before going back to the main and only topic—the baby. My family is not obsessed like that so it's quite strange.

In fact, it seems like the prospect of having a grandchild has given them a purpose in life, so now they are quite literally just sitting around waiting until they become grandparents. I'm a bit like "hey, I'm just doing my thing, minding my own business—please get a hobby!" I do not want this kind of responsibility/ expectations on me, my family or my unborn child. Do I want them to be loving grandparents? Sure. But I wish they would dial the intensity down, a lot.

DH shares my views mostly.

As a result of all of this, I have been avoiding them since the beginning of the pregnancy. I have visited but not nearly as often as I used to. That way I avoid being ambushed weekly about the nursery and so on. Still they find a way to bring some things up although I clearly don't want to talk about them, so I find myself acting cold and avoidant, which makes the relationship awkward.

Am I being unreasonably for feeling/ acting like this?

How was your relationship with them prior to getting pregnant?

Will this be their first grandchild?

Congrats on your pregnancy

I think its inevitable that a pregnancy brings in laws closer. You're carrying their genes in a way. I think its nice that she wants to make a fuss of you, and although she shouldn't touch you without permission, maybe she gets carried away. If it's not done with malice, then maybe you can forgive it. I can't comment about her sincerity but why wouldn't she be excited about a grandchild. Every grandparent I know, was more excited about their grandchildrens birth and more obsessed about their grandchildren than they ever were about their children. 😂
It's a different emotion completely. My mums mil owned a greengrocers and never gave my parents free anything! But when my mum was pregnant, she let mum choose fruit like plums - a big luxury then. It's not that she loved mum more, they always got on well, it's just that she was extra protective of mum because of she was giving her a grandchild.

It's OK to protect yourself but don't push them away for being excited and happy.

I mean, feeling are feelings so you’re never unreasonable to have them - but you sound rather intense in your own way about your privacy and if you’re being cold towards your child’s grandparents then yes, I guess I’d say you acting that way is unreasonable.

Loads of women don’t like having their bodily privacy disrespected (bump touching etc) and it is a bit annoying when all conversational roads lead to pregnancy, birth and baby but nothing you’ve said makes them sound at all unusual or obsessed. I suspect you don’t feel your own family behaves this way just because they’re used to your boundaries and recognise your (possible) anxieties and are used to managing that in a relationship with you, like all parents are with their children. Ironically, if you’d open up a bit more to your in-laws they’d be more likely to back off.

Your pregnancy isn’t the defining thing about you and it’s OK to feel private about intimate things. Loads of people don’t like to discuss baby names - I personally think it should be a rule not to, pre-birth! But decorating a nursery, baby equipment like prams etc - there’s always something you can let them in on that’s not intimate or private. Have a think about what you can include them in, instead of lumping them in with ‘strangers’ in your mind and shutting them out.

I could have written this, OP. My least favourite part of pregnancy - worse than the puking and insomnia! - is the way my body and medical information suddenly becomes public property. People commenting on your bump, as if it’s newly acceptable to comment on your body! Asking to see scan photos - excuse me? That’s my uterus, do you also want to see my X-rays or notes from other medical issues? I haaaaaaate it.

Remove MIL’s hand from your bump EVERY TIME, with a confused look. Go one further: “MIL, why are you rubbing me?” Escalate with rubbing her right back: rubbing people’s bumps is fucking weird and some people only seem to get this when you rub them back. If she tries to exhibit you and comment on the bump and your body, return the favour to her.

YANBU.

Also endlessly discussing the baby and only the baby when you’re pregnant is so dull and reduces you to an incubator with no other interests or purpose. Nine months is a LONG time to basically ignore your personhood and interests in favour of something that frankly is entirely internal for that time and doesn’t really change day to day. I don’t blame you for avoiding them.

She is excited about being a grandmother, it's natural. I can only comment from my own point of view. It's an almost primordial feeling - my genes are being carried on and it was like a purpose in life and I absolutely adore my grandchildren. Cut her some slack, she can't help it. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Whilst your entitled to feel how you feel. I can't help but feel a bit sorry for your pil. You are pushing them out for from what I can see no reason other than some sort of entitlement? I think I would try the n ads ke more of an effort.

Sorry OP but you come across as rather uptight. I personally loved all the extra fuss and affection, I was super excited with both my pregnancies and would have found it weird and sad had my pil not been very interested or wanted to be involved. Clearly your upbringing and family approach things in a different way and are maybe not such a touchy feely family as your DH’s family. I don’t feel as though you’ve said anything that sounds unreasonable or unusual on their part but of course you are who you are, people are different and they’ll have to respect that. I do feel a little sad for them though.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you find some middle ground with your pil x

I think people are being a bit harsh here towards you.I get that now you're pregnant it must seem your PILs just see you as a vessel now for their offspring instead of you as a person. Like you've been dehumanised. Touching your body without permission and wanting to know your medical information doesn't help. I'd use this as a lesson in setting boundaries more before the baby arrives because once baby is here it'll get much worse Trust me.

I discuss very intimate things like my own insecurities about becoming a mother with people I trust, namely, my DH, my mother and my close friends. I can have more lighthearted conversations with acquaintances (baby names, health issues). But when it comes to my in-laws and strangers, I just shut down. I can't help it.

What was your relationship like before pregnancy? Because I find it odd that you lump them together with strangers here. And when you say you think they have an ulterior motive, I think they are probably just excited.
However, obviously you are not unreasonable to not want to be touched (I'd be fairly direct about this and tell her not to do it), or to not want to discuss private medical details with them.
I think I would say hold firm on anything you feel strongly about, but as it doesn't sound like they are malicious then I'd just let them be excited.

Are they interfering and giving their opinions on things eg pushing to babysit, wanting to come to the hospital etc? Or are they just excited and wanting to talk about it? My PILs were very excited in both my pregnancies, but it never crossed into interfering.

You are grouping your in laws in with strangers, they aren't strangers as they are your unborn child's grandparents
Yab massively u to be like this, they are just as important and linked to this child as your mum and dad are!

yabu to include your in laws in the stranger category

Wow, surprises you've had more votes telling you ybu!

I think you're reading wayy too much into it that they're being nicer to you because you're carrying precious cargo. I think its more that they're excited and want to be close to you and share in the experience of a new family member. Perhaps your mil sees it as a bonding thing, you'll be a mother too after this.

However. Smothering you and touching bump without permission etc- you're totally NBU and I'm really glad your dh has your back on this.

Don't feel bad about establishing boundaries and wanting to keep things private unless you personally choose to share.

She doesn’t say her in-laws are strangers, she says “in-laws and strangers”: two groups she doesn’t want to discuss her medical business and body with. As is her right and not unreasonable.

They may be just as important and linked to the child as her parents, but the child hasn’t been born yet: it’s a pregnancy. They need to back away from the OP’s body – she’s given them loads, predicted sex, medical scan info, due date! What more do they need when the child doesn’t exist yet?

She doesn’t say her in-laws are strangers, she says “in-laws and strangers”

Treating your in laws the same as you would strangers is pretty harsh, though. If your in laws treated your children the same as strangers would you think that was ok?

She doesn’t say her in-laws are strangers, she says “in-laws and strangers”

Treating your in laws the same as you would strangers is pretty harsh, though. If your in laws treated your children the same as strangers would you think that was ok?

Well, because you don't opt to have inlaws in your life the same way you do other friends and acquaintes. They become part of your family because your marry their child and not because you have a natural relationship with the trust and respect that that brings.

Doesn't mean she doesn't like them, just that she doesn't wish to share her innermost thoughts or her body with them. Completely justified (called having boundaries).

My in-laws are related to my children; they’re not related to me. They’re a “free gift with purchase” that I got with DP that I didn’t want and couldn’t decline.

Could have written your post myself. I love my in laws but my goodness they’re intrusive. About everything!!! But there was something about pregnancy that made me shut down even more. It’s just so personal. In my last pregnancy, MIL was telling half the town that she was anxious about my induction and that I should be having a CS. I was fuming!

I can’t really give advice on how I dealt with it (and continue to deal with it). Every big thing to happen in my life (house purchases, wedding, even holidays) has been the same and it makes me want to push them away completely, but they pick up on the energy, and then they sulk. Not in an obvious way, in a very sly emotionally manipulative way.

I can handle it a lot easier when they’re being intrusive about which new towel set I buy or what I have for dinner. It’s not that they think they have a right to an input on those things, it’s like they forget they won’t be using the towels or eating the dinner, and that I don’t really need to factor their opinions and preferences into the decisions.

You said they’re cold and avoidant. I’m the same. The only way I’ve found to combat this is to be particularly enthusiastic about something when we’re first together. Initiate conversation about something neutral, and be chatty and pleasant. And as soon as the conversation turns to your pregnancy: put up whatever boundary you’re comfortable with even if it makes you cold. If you come across as an asshole then so what. You could always then revert the conversation to something pregnancy related that’s more lighthearted. “I’ve finally washed all the new babygrows, such a cute load of laundry.”

Also… I hate the comments on this thread like “you’re uptight” and “I loved the attention (so you’re a weirdo!)”. Extroverts never get this kind of thing. For introverts, this sort of attention is hell on earth. And that doesn’t make us weird or uptight!!!

Well, because you don't opt to have inlaws in your life the same way you do other friends and acquaintes.

But she says "She's a good woman and I feel lucky to have them as PIL" so she does get on with them. She feels comfortable chatting with acquaintances about baby names but not her mil. I do think that's harsh on the grandparents. The op says she's fiercely private about her pregnancy and hates baby discussions but is doing that with acquaintances so can't hate it that much. Even if I didn't like my in laws, which is not the case here, I still wouldn't treat them like I would strangers.

They’re a “free gift with purchase” that I got with DP that I didn’t want and couldn’t decline.

But that's not the case here. The op says she's lucky to have her in laws.

And? She can like them and feel lucky to have them and also not want them to parade her around, commenting on her bump, rubbing her, and speaking exclusively about the baby as though OP herself no longer exists, she’s just the meat sack bringing the baby into the world.

Perhaps she’s more comfortable discussing the pregnancy with acquaintances because they don’t do all those things, and thus has listed her in-laws in the same category as strangers in the Venn diagram of “people I don’t want to discuss my pregnancy with”. She’s still not categorising them AS strangers. Just as people she wants to back off and have some boundaries with. You can like people AND set boundaries with them.

She feels comfortable chatting with acquaintances about baby names but not her mil. The op says she's fiercely private about her pregnancy and hates baby discussions but is doing that with acquaintances so can't hate it that much.

I’m the same with my in laws. In my comment I wrote:

I can handle it a lot easier when they’re being intrusive about which new towel set I buy or what I have for dinner. It’s not that they think they have a right to an input on those things, it’s like they forget they won’t be using the towels or eating the dinner, and that I don’t really need to factor their opinions and preferences into the decisions.

The comparison here is that my MIL would think she had equal input on the name of the baby. She’ll be tenacious and relentless about her suggestions. It becomes uncomfortable and tedious, and unfortunately makes me want to shut down completely.

This isn’t the OP just deciding to be an asshole for no reason. This is the OP saying that they’re crossing boundaries into an uncomfortable place for her and it’s making her clam up.

I don't understand why people seem to think your rights have disappeared. Several posters seem to be demonstrating exactly what you're struggling with. You said many times in your post that for ten years you've got on well with your PILs. But now they're smothering you. Perhaps that's what you should say to them, that you're feeling smothered, but try to be a bit general about who (ie don't say it's them, but do say what.) You could say you don't like how people stroke your belly, and ask over-personal questions. She's likely to understand your dilemma, and start asking if certain things are okay with you. Be sure to speak up and don't pretend it's okay. And if you're lucky, when she backs off a bit you may begin to feel more relaxed about some things.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I wish you joy.

she’s just the meat sack bringing the baby into the world.

Golly. Really? That's an excessive remark.
Her in laws are excited. They talk to her about the baby not like she doesn't exist Maybe it's difficult to understand my reaction to lumping people you like in with strangers if you don't like your in laws?
Anyway neither of us are going to change our thoughts on this so no point discussing it further.

You feel how you feel and I do believe you have a right not to have your belly rubbed etc if it makes you uncomfortable.

but. Treating your in laws like strangers and not even giving them the same level of information as your work colleagues is a bit harsh. They’re excited about their grandchild and that’s understandable. I wonder what you’ll be like with them once the babies born? Hopefully once it’s outside of your body you’ll feel a bit happier for them to be involved.

remember they will love this baby in the same way your parents will. Try not to cut the off if they’re genuinely good people.