Feeling very private about my pregnancy with regards to in-laws - AIBU?

[RougeRosé]

Has anyone felt ferociously private about their pregnancy? It's happening to me and I am a little shocked.

I have come to realise that a pregnancy and labour are very intimate things for me and that my body and my new family do not suddenly belong to the public domain just because I'm pregnant. This is something no one ever told me.

I discuss very intimate things like my own insecurities about becoming a mother with people I trust, namely, my DH, my mother and my close friends. I can have more lighthearted conversations with acquaintances (baby names, health issues). But when it comes to my in-laws and strangers, I just shut down. I can't help it.

For context, I will admit that I am no people pleaser. Some things I don't enjoy are:

-Being the centre of attention
-Being touched by people I am not close with
-Cooing over babies
-Having corny (pregnancy) conversations

My MIL makes me the centre of attention in a very anxious way (but it doesn't feel genuine—rather because I'm carrying precious cargo?), rubs my belly even when I cover it with my arms and handbag, wants to exhibit me before her extended family so they can all admire/ touch my bump and say how cute it is (ew), calls me affectionate names since she found out about the pregnancy and absolutely smothers babies with attention—so much that it has made me feel awkward in the past. I just cannot give her the type of bond she craves the same way she cannot give me the adult-to-adult friendship I would like to have with her.

She's a good woman and I feel lucky to have them as PIL, but something doesn't add up/ come across as sincere. I get that they are excited, but why would she/ they become more affectionate with me since we revealed the big news, when we have known each other for a decade? Is it because they have a reason to be extra nice to me now? Unfortunately, that makes me feel like they have ulterior motives.

We have told them about major things like the sex of the baby, the medical evaluation results, the due date and so on. But I can't open up to them about baby names or other things that involve my feelings. I even had covid and we never told them (my DH's call). It comes as a shock for them because the baby is all they ever want to talk about. They will try to talk about other topics but it soon becomes obvious that it's just a warm-up before going back to the main and only topic—the baby. My family is not obsessed like that so it's quite strange.

In fact, it seems like the prospect of having a grandchild has given them a purpose in life, so now they are quite literally just sitting around waiting until they become grandparents. I'm a bit like "hey, I'm just doing my thing, minding my own business—please get a hobby!" I do not want this kind of responsibility/ expectations on me, my family or my unborn child. Do I want them to be loving grandparents? Sure. But I wish they would dial the intensity down, a lot.

DH shares my views mostly.

As a result of all of this, I have been avoiding them since the beginning of the pregnancy. I have visited but not nearly as often as I used to. That way I avoid being ambushed weekly about the nursery and so on. Still they find a way to bring some things up although I clearly don't want to talk about them, so I find myself acting cold and avoidant, which makes the relationship awkward.

Am I being unreasonably for feeling/ acting like this?

I hope if your baby is a boy his wife will be kind to you.

I wonder how you'd feel if your baby is a boy and in the future his wife treated you like you're treating your PIL? I'd bet my bottom dollar you'd be on here complaining. I'm really shocked you share more detail with work colleagues than your in laws. Really unpleasant.

Whilst your feelings are, of course, valid you are being a wee bit uptight and I bet you will be totally pfb once baby is born. Then when you have a toddler/pre schooler and are totally frazzled by the constant entertaining you will be on here moaning how your inlaws have no interest in helping you with the DC (which will be because you pushed them out at the pregnancy/baby stage). Inlaws cannot win, and I say that as someone with my own issues with them.

You might find something like this useful @RougeRosé ...

In terms of other stuff decide what youbare comfortable discussing, and grey rock or refuse to answer what you are not. If DH is happy not sharing then don't feel the pressure to do so either.

Based on her experience with her PIL I expect she’ll be incredibly considerate and aware of respectful boundaries should her future child become a parent.

It's got fuck all to do with Roe v Wade

And a great deal to do with OP ranking her ILs lower than her acquaintances.

Acquaintances, not even friends, getting more pregnancy chit chat than the future grandparents? that seems all kinds of wrong.

The PILs obviously should not be touching her belly (that's rude and should be widely, if not universally, known as irritating) but the rest - being excited, talking to their friends, is all utterly normal. But OP is demonising it. That's not good.

I think she should be treating the future grandparents at least the same way as mere acquaintances, and really should be thinking about the fact they will be her DC's blood family (sorry about that phrase, but can't think of a better one for actual close relations, not in-laws). Pregnancy is a lead-in time of adjustment, and one of those is realising that your ILs are your DC's actual family, and it's a bit shit to have them bottom of the pecking order

And I’d bet she won’t go around rubbing her daughter in law’s belly and commenting on it.

The OP isn’t being unpleasant by setting boundaries to protect her bodily autonomy, FFS. Women are allowed to not be touched, even, incredibly, when carrying someone’s grandchild.

You feel how you feel but I think you're being hard on your PIL. You say they are good people but accuse them of having ulterior motives just because they are excited?

I'm glad I have daughters, that's all I'll say.

You're saying you're ok with acquaintances but your in laws are below that on the same level as strangers? You've known them for ten years and they are your DH's parents. It's his baby too. I think you're being pretty nasty tbh. They're being extra nice to you? Ffs. Poor you.

and you can still bet that her DIL will have something to complain about.

Hopefully your PIL will back off....I know i would.

You're speaking of your in laws as strangers. I think you're being harsh on them. It's their grandchild.

Be grateful for it, DHs mum couldn't care less about our daughter!

This sounds perfectly reasonable and normal to me. I was the same. My MIL had been recently widowed and had given up on grandkids.

I would say something because my relationship with my MIL hasn't really recovered from how grabby she was during pregnancy. She's a nice woman but the hands all over my belly and constant little squeezes gave me the MIL ice.

Now they are toddlers I know rationally that her expectations aren't unreasonable but I still get the ick.

I'd go tinkly laugh 'oh MIL/PIL, you know I'm not a hugger'

Put on them that they should know.

’They have been incredibly intrusive and pushy with their children about some very personal topics, so much that the children withdraw from them for months.’
’They just focus on everything practical and sometimes that can feel like they want to manage us like kids: constantly encouraging that we eat enough during meals, constantly asking if we did this or that in the new apartment ("Did you buy the windows yet"? "They they put in the doors"? "Were the tiles delivered"?), insisting that we return a car that we bought... They are like this with all their children and it pushes them away.’

They don’t sound like people who would realise that they’re making you feel uncomfortable. In fact I’d bet that when they make you feel uncomfortable with unwanted touches, making you feel under the spotlight and quizzing you about the nursery, and you inevitably withdraw from them, they just push harder. It’s unfortunate because you’ve said that they’re good people but you can’t help being an introvert and they don’t respect boundaries.

To be fair, when I had my babies, I absolutely didn't understand the excitement of the grandparents. Just as you don't know what it's like to be a mother until you are one, you don't understand what it is to be a grandparent until you are one.

The almost primal response to my daughter being pregnant and giving birth just blew me away. I really didn't expect it. I'm a very rational and pragmatic person, so this instinctive response took me by surprise. I didn't consciously think "this baby carries my genes so I need to be intimately involved in this occasion" but at some animal level, that seems to be a subconscious response.

The grandparents that don't have that are presumably the ones that mumsnet posters complain about when they don't want to be involved with their DGCs.

When I had my kids, it was my MIL who was the most excited of the two GMs, and she who was the most wonderful grandparent.

OP, yes, you need to state your boundaries clearly, and I appreciate that your particular MIL is way too much for your particular personality. But please be aware that there is something very primal going on, that she's not consciously seeing you at the carrier if someone with her genes (that would just be weird). But just as maternal instinct is a genuinely primal thing, so is the grandparents protective instinct. I would kill or die for my DGD, and that goes along with it.

I can understand why you're feeling the way you do, they do sound quite overbearing even though I'm sure it's coming from a kind place.

It's absolutely fair enough that you don't want to discuss anxieties around birth/motherhood etc when you're not comfortable with them. However, I do think it's a bit unreasonable to happily discuss potential baby names with your friends and family and not the in-laws when they're also GP's to be and excited. Fair if you didn't want to discuss names prior to baby being born full stop, a lot of people don't, but I do think it's a bit shitty if your family and even friends know potential names you're thinking of and they're not even allowed to ask if you've came up with names. I don't think that's in the same league as discussing health issues and worries at all personally.

I think there needs to be a bit of a balance as right now it kind of comes across as if you've already made up your mind that they're going to want to be too involved after baby is born and you're not having that but happy for your family to be. Set boundaries with them absolutely, but don't push them away

OP, I totally get it. I had that too. Felt like I was on parade, belly being touched etc. Like i was just a vessel for continuing the family line. I withdrew, put up boundaries. I understood they felt excited but it was just invading my space.

You are absolutely entitled to protect your bodily autonomy and personal space. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I completely get where you are coming from OP and think some people have been a little harsh in their responses. I was in a similar situation, got along fine with PILs pre preg but all communication went through DH (as I did for my family). Then once pregnant suddenly MIL is contacting me separately and only discussing pregnancy/baby. Had we had a closer relationship pre pregnancy it wouldn't have felt quite so jarring. It was almost 'oh so I'm worth talking to now that I'm carrying your grandchild and will be in your sons life forever regardless'. However, I tried to tell myself they were just excited and that as a non grandparent myself I couldn't understand just quite how they were feeling. Easier said than done though! The medical aspects of pregnancy also felt very personal and I was reluctant to share with anyone (including my own family), we had to go in at 37 weeks with a small chance of c section that day and I only told the pet sitter 🤣. Echoing the baby can't have enough people to love him/her but I don't think that was ever in doubt for you anyway. For the record, I have a son and will make sure I'm just as interested in their partner pre and post procreation!

you must think too about how YOU will feel when YOUR baby is going to be a parent... if you have a son, do you want to be held distant? That might make you see things from their side more
Not having a go, just saying look at it from their point of view too

My own grandparents had no interest in me, they loved me, but liked my sister way moe as she was very grown up from the start.
My own parents relationship with my daighter was similarly distant at fiurst until i forced interaction. My mum and dd are now super close as adults.
You may find your child see's the distance and finds it normal (like mine did)

My cousin was with each of her three pregnancies. In part because of her age at the time perhaps.

Yes, this. Thank you. They keep pushing. I just don't know how to tell them to back off without that conversation spoiling our relationship forever, so I try to show that I'm uncomfortable in different ways and hope they'll take a hint. DH's insist they won't listen anyway and that if we confront them they will victimise themselves and feel insulted. He's ready to have that conversation once the baby is here if necessary though.

They just don't understand that I'm an introvert. Weirdly enough, I would say that both of them are pretty introverted and have very few close friends, if any, although they do have a busy social life. They don't share a lot of details with us or involve us in any decision making processes (as is their right). But their children/ in-laws are expected to share certain things with them. It's like having a baby is an event for the whole family and I just want my privacy.

To the poster who said that I care about control and power, hell yes I do. I like to have control over my life and I am not apologetic about it. I would never dream of telling someone else how to live their own life or manage their stuff and I appreciate being extended the same courtesy. I can give advice if it's solicited, but that's it. I don't recall a single time my advice was requested though. Like I said, they do not check with me or DH before making any minor or huge decisions (financial or other types).

I pray to God that my son does not meet a controlling woman like you. They can't do right for doing wrong. I feel incredibly sorry for them, you willingly act cold and avoidant to punish them. You have issues Missy. I hope it all keeps fine for you and you don't need them in the future. It's their son's baby too. You sound like a melt.

@ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler my thoughts exactly , both sides met each of our children the same day or the next day if I had a late birth and have always been included in our lives. We've had so much help from both sides which has always been offered , this has meant that DH and I have never struggled to have couple time.

Thank you for your comment. I apologise for not replying to every single one of you but some issues keep coming up so please take my replies a general remark.

Baby names—I am worried that they will have an opinion. In fact, I KNOW they will. I don't want to discuss baby names with them. I would be glad to inform them about the options if they are interested, but I don't want the intereferrence. When I said acquaintances, what I really meant is friends that are not as close, or DH's friends, not the guy at work I have talked to once before. The problem is that in the past we have shared details with them when in the middle of a decision making process, and they took that as an invitation to give advice and push us to take it. I am wary.

About the involvement once the baby is here—that is not really the case because my family will never expect to be over-involved, however we can tell already that my IL will. My family will take whatever we give them as they always have, and never push for more. They have that passive stance. My ILs however like to test the waters and drop a hint, then insist again if ignored, and so on. Once they let you know their expectations, the pressure is on you.

One thing that's shocking to me now that I am almost a mother is how the woman carries all the weight of the family interactions. My DH is not expected to interact with my parents the way I am expected to do so with his. They literally hace no contact unless I organise it and everyone is happy, and even then, no pressure or expectations are placed on him. He just shows up for lunch and leaves. It doesn't seem fair. Even his own family often interact primarily with me when he's present.

It’s sad because if they stopped pushing you so hard you’d feel more relaxed, they’d see more of you and you’d all be happier but your DH knows them best. There’s no point having a conversation with them about boundaries if he thinks they won’t listen and it would just cause more problems.