Feeling very private about my pregnancy with regards to in-laws - AIBU?

[RougeRosé]

Has anyone felt ferociously private about their pregnancy? It's happening to me and I am a little shocked.

I have come to realise that a pregnancy and labour are very intimate things for me and that my body and my new family do not suddenly belong to the public domain just because I'm pregnant. This is something no one ever told me.

I discuss very intimate things like my own insecurities about becoming a mother with people I trust, namely, my DH, my mother and my close friends. I can have more lighthearted conversations with acquaintances (baby names, health issues). But when it comes to my in-laws and strangers, I just shut down. I can't help it.

For context, I will admit that I am no people pleaser. Some things I don't enjoy are:

-Being the centre of attention
-Being touched by people I am not close with
-Cooing over babies
-Having corny (pregnancy) conversations

My MIL makes me the centre of attention in a very anxious way (but it doesn't feel genuine—rather because I'm carrying precious cargo?), rubs my belly even when I cover it with my arms and handbag, wants to exhibit me before her extended family so they can all admire/ touch my bump and say how cute it is (ew), calls me affectionate names since she found out about the pregnancy and absolutely smothers babies with attention—so much that it has made me feel awkward in the past. I just cannot give her the type of bond she craves the same way she cannot give me the adult-to-adult friendship I would like to have with her.

She's a good woman and I feel lucky to have them as PIL, but something doesn't add up/ come across as sincere. I get that they are excited, but why would she/ they become more affectionate with me since we revealed the big news, when we have known each other for a decade? Is it because they have a reason to be extra nice to me now? Unfortunately, that makes me feel like they have ulterior motives.

We have told them about major things like the sex of the baby, the medical evaluation results, the due date and so on. But I can't open up to them about baby names or other things that involve my feelings. I even had covid and we never told them (my DH's call). It comes as a shock for them because the baby is all they ever want to talk about. They will try to talk about other topics but it soon becomes obvious that it's just a warm-up before going back to the main and only topic—the baby. My family is not obsessed like that so it's quite strange.

In fact, it seems like the prospect of having a grandchild has given them a purpose in life, so now they are quite literally just sitting around waiting until they become grandparents. I'm a bit like "hey, I'm just doing my thing, minding my own business—please get a hobby!" I do not want this kind of responsibility/ expectations on me, my family or my unborn child. Do I want them to be loving grandparents? Sure. But I wish they would dial the intensity down, a lot.

DH shares my views mostly.

As a result of all of this, I have been avoiding them since the beginning of the pregnancy. I have visited but not nearly as often as I used to. That way I avoid being ambushed weekly about the nursery and so on. Still they find a way to bring some things up although I clearly don't want to talk about them, so I find myself acting cold and avoidant, which makes the relationship awkward.

Am I being unreasonably for feeling/ acting like this?

I have a newborn and felt the same way about lots of people (not just about in laws who are great)! I wanted privacy during pregnancy and hated people cooing over babies and pointing them out to me which definitely happened far more just because I was pregnant and I love babies! I also hated certain people wanting to touch my bump and wanting to feel him kick but not so much others. I was generally more receptive to those who were less emotional about me being pregnant. I just couldn’t get on board or take on other peoples emotions about my pregnancy or birth, it’s just a very personal thing. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to upset anybody who only meant well but I couldn’t help how I felt. I imagine I’ll feel the same way about a future pregnancy too.

I kept my c section date/details private except for about 3 people because I didn’t want to deal with others feelings or questions about it! I’m still reluctant to discuss it now.

I was sure I would want space for a few weeks when baby arrived but actually once here everything sort of fell in to place and I didn’t mind visitors and people wanting cuddles or cooing over him at all. I’ve actually really enjoyed sharing him with everybody now he’s here and will happily talk about him if people ask. Only once has somebody saying ‘but you get all the cuddles’ when I didn’t hand him over immediately given me a bit of rage.

Keep some boundaries and go with what feels right for you but I’d say bite your tongue unless they clearly over step as pregnancy isn’t forever. I just use to say he isn’t moving now or remove myself and go the toilet when people over stepped.

I'm sorry that my post triggered you and others who left similar hostile comments like that. While I do not appreciate the insults, I don't take offense. I guess there's something to be learned from every perspective.

You’re doing fine OP and the way you feel has been felt and will be felt by so many. You’ve had some harsh responses here, probably from those who are guilty of behaving as your in-laws do and have the same sense of entitlement or from those who have had less entitled in-laws or just don’t mind the extra focus on them.

Yes they’re excited and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not their pregnancy and not their baby. Your right to body autonomy and conversations away from your baby and your pregnancy don’t come second to their excitement.

To all the posters who want to guilt trip OP by saying ‘if your baby is a boy I hope his future wife is kind to you’ I imagine that OP would take her lead and respect her wishes considering her own feelings. That’s what I’d do. I feel no entitlement to touch any potential fixture daughter in laws bump or ask personal questions about pregnancy unless they invited those things but even then I don’t feel the need to touch anybody!! I don’t have any expectations about future grandchildren and my willingness to be involved (as much or as little as they want) wouldn’t be conditional on Mum accepting my behaviour during her pregnancy if it made her uncomfortable.

Thanks for the advice. It helps to know others have felt this way before. I know I will be proud to show my baby off and I know a grandma/ grandad's love is the closest thing to a mum/ dad's love. That brings me comfort to know how many people will love and want to protect the baby, and I know how healthy that is for the future adult. I'm hoping we can bond over that.

I'm really hoping that everything falls into place afterwards like you said, although I also think that I will want some privacy after the birth as well—not sure how things will play out.

I'm trying really hard to bite my tongue and to remember that it's temporary, but I feel a bit like the supervillain in the story and it's making me anxious.

You aren’t the supervillain in any story. You’re having the audacity to say ‘actually, I don’t like this’ and you’re clearly not alone!

I pray to God that your son learns to read and comprehend to a higher level than you, because that narrative you have invented is abhorrent.

How dare you be so abusive to a pregnant woman trying to assert her normal boundaries.

Then you do yours and he does his. If the relationship fizzles, through his lack of interest in them, then so be it. The child won't need people like that in it's life. It needs people who will love it and keep to it's parent's reasonable and respectful boundaries.

There is, don't shut them out completely. Don't treat them so poorly by acting cold. They are excited and they are the child's grandparents, try to be a little bit more understanding than to shut down completely and lump them into the strangers category. That is just wrong.

Thanks... Yes, exactly. I a) do not expect my future child or children to have kids of their own—I would never assume this is their preferred lifestyle; b) would not expect my son if I ever have one to be in a heterosexual relationship, or any serious relationship of any kind; c) if he were, I would try to find a way to bond with my DIL as equals and show interest in her as a person, which means honestly discussing preferences, boundaries and feelings, and acknowledging them. This could mean anything from respecting her right to keeping pregnancy details private to diet choices, living arrangements, and so on.

I would never dream of touching someone's bump unless invited. I have a friend who used to grab my hand and put it on her belly and it was very exciting to feel the baby—that I'm comfortable with.

You’re definitely not a supervillain, your feelings are completely valid and should be put first during pregnancy!

Pregnancy can be really strange in itself as is when people become overly emotional towards you when they haven’t been before.

I’m happily surprised that it did fall in to place. I had a bit of an ick about the thought of the first time certain people met him based on how they were during my pregnancy. The thought of dealing with their emotions made me feel weird but it was lovely and nobody was too much thankfully.

We have kept some boundaries e.g. visited people so we can leave or saying come over for a few hours but we’re doing ‘x’ at 2 pm, we discussed this before he arrived but in reality for me this has mostly been needed as establishing breast feeding has involved a lot of faff, time and boobs out rather than needing space, although there has been times I’ve needed this too. Keep doing what feels right for you and baby, whatever that is.

I think you're being unreasonable unless there is an explanation like ASD or having a sensory processing thing I think she is just a person you don't gel with but she has good intentions

If she's a good person and a good MIL

A) you can just TELL her in words or a text, any way "Hands off the bump; I DONT LIKE BEING TOUCHED" and she'll take it on board.

B) she's going to be a wonderful Grandmother and your baby, you and DH are going to benefit hugely from that wonderful relationship.

Do A),

look forward to B).

C) relax.

They don’t exactly sound like horrible people. Everyone has faults, you included OP. We should all try and be more tolerant of each other.

Wow, they sound extremely intense and I would be very uncomfortable about that too.

Before I was pregnant myself I used to notice people being like this with pregnant women and it just used to make me wince even seeing someone rub a pregnant woman's belly, even if I didn't know the people involved (say I just saw it happening in the street) it makes me cringe. Thankfully no one I knew was like that at all with my pregnancy (interested, yes, but not all gooey and cooey and wanting to know private things about my body etc.), so I have no idea how to deal with it, but you have my sympathy.

I preferred keeping details of my second pregnancy private from both families because once the baby is born, so many people have their own opinion to give and want access to the baby. I hate that feeling of not being in control when others put pressure on to visit, hold the baby etc. And then there are the constant texts and questions about the baby (rarely ever about how I was doing!) and I ended up feeling like my body and growing baby became the intellectual property of others.

If I did have another baby, I would keep so much to myself and would be vague about the due date because no one needs the kind of stress from well meaning but annoying questions and comments about the baby arriving (to meet their schedule in my case). I think some people really forget that you are a woman carrying a baby, not a vessel.