Feeling very private about my pregnancy with regards to in-laws - AIBU?

[RougeRosé]

Has anyone felt ferociously private about their pregnancy? It's happening to me and I am a little shocked.

I have come to realise that a pregnancy and labour are very intimate things for me and that my body and my new family do not suddenly belong to the public domain just because I'm pregnant. This is something no one ever told me.

I discuss very intimate things like my own insecurities about becoming a mother with people I trust, namely, my DH, my mother and my close friends. I can have more lighthearted conversations with acquaintances (baby names, health issues). But when it comes to my in-laws and strangers, I just shut down. I can't help it.

For context, I will admit that I am no people pleaser. Some things I don't enjoy are:

-Being the centre of attention
-Being touched by people I am not close with
-Cooing over babies
-Having corny (pregnancy) conversations

My MIL makes me the centre of attention in a very anxious way (but it doesn't feel genuine—rather because I'm carrying precious cargo?), rubs my belly even when I cover it with my arms and handbag, wants to exhibit me before her extended family so they can all admire/ touch my bump and say how cute it is (ew), calls me affectionate names since she found out about the pregnancy and absolutely smothers babies with attention—so much that it has made me feel awkward in the past. I just cannot give her the type of bond she craves the same way she cannot give me the adult-to-adult friendship I would like to have with her.

She's a good woman and I feel lucky to have them as PIL, but something doesn't add up/ come across as sincere. I get that they are excited, but why would she/ they become more affectionate with me since we revealed the big news, when we have known each other for a decade? Is it because they have a reason to be extra nice to me now? Unfortunately, that makes me feel like they have ulterior motives.

We have told them about major things like the sex of the baby, the medical evaluation results, the due date and so on. But I can't open up to them about baby names or other things that involve my feelings. I even had covid and we never told them (my DH's call). It comes as a shock for them because the baby is all they ever want to talk about. They will try to talk about other topics but it soon becomes obvious that it's just a warm-up before going back to the main and only topic—the baby. My family is not obsessed like that so it's quite strange.

In fact, it seems like the prospect of having a grandchild has given them a purpose in life, so now they are quite literally just sitting around waiting until they become grandparents. I'm a bit like "hey, I'm just doing my thing, minding my own business—please get a hobby!" I do not want this kind of responsibility/ expectations on me, my family or my unborn child. Do I want them to be loving grandparents? Sure. But I wish they would dial the intensity down, a lot.

DH shares my views mostly.

As a result of all of this, I have been avoiding them since the beginning of the pregnancy. I have visited but not nearly as often as I used to. That way I avoid being ambushed weekly about the nursery and so on. Still they find a way to bring some things up although I clearly don't want to talk about them, so I find myself acting cold and avoidant, which makes the relationship awkward.

Am I being unreasonably for feeling/ acting like this?

Well your feelings are valid. And you certainly shouldn’t be touched or displayed to other people when you don’t want to be. It’s also frustrating when you’re pregnant and people only want to talk baby, but I think it’s often their way of trying to show interest in you.

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to set boundaries in a firm kind way.

But do bear in mind that if they’re genuinely good people who are interested in being grandparents - which you say they are - then they’re likely to be a huge benefit to you and to the baby when it arrives. I have a toddler and a baby and I can’t tell you what I’d give for invested grandparents (on either side). A child can’t have too many people to love it.

Hi mumorworkduties,

Thank you!

Answering this for you and everyone else who inquired abour our relationship.

It was OK but they do have their boundary/ trust issues with their own adult children—which has an indirect impact on our relationship. Generally though it's amicable. Problem is that neither their children nor myself feel really seen by them. They don't understand or care about us as adults. They avoid conversations about interests or hobbies or anything they don't understand. They just focus on everything practical and sometimes that can feel like they want to manage us like kids: constantly encouraging that we eat enough during meals, constantly asking if we did this or that in the new apartment ("Did you buy the windows yet"? "They they put in the doors"? "Were the tiles delivered"?), insisting that we return a car that we bought... They are like this with all their children and it pushes them away. It's not terrible but it's annoying because I have my own parents and our relationship has evolved enough over the years to give me space to be an adult. I mean, if their own kids find it frustrating, what's it like to a DIL/ SIL then?

All in all I can see that they have good intentions at heart. But they are very stubborn in insisting to treat us this way even when we constantly show that the dynamic is not working for us. Their need to baby us is stronger than whatever we might feel or need.

I felt like you did when I was pregnant. As a pp suggested about you, I am indeed a bit uptight. That doesn’t make how I felt, or how you feel wrong though.

More introverted personalities are always expected to tolerate the extroverted without much/any consideration given to their feelings.

Regarding our relationship—I wanted to add that all this asking about how we are managing our lives is layered with a LOT of anxiety (they are both very anxious). It's very hard to have a conversation with someone who is so intensely focused on getting as much information from you as possible while managing everything from the amount of food that you are eating to your relationship with your sister in law sitting next to you while also being perceived as a great PIL, because surely you'll keep visiting often. There's just no chill.

We do end up feeling like our ability to be adults is being scrutinised (and most of the time, we don't pass the test).

I do realise that intentions are what really matters and that this is their love language. I feel grateful to have them as PIL because it could be much much worse. But still I feel the need to establish boundaries.

Not unreasonable OP. I would absolutely hate this. You sound like a 'let's just get on with it' kind of girl, and not every conversation has to be about the baby. And I would hate getting felt up too.

Yes, and this

I think you're reading wayy too much into it that they're being nicer to you because you're carrying precious cargo. I think its more that they're excited and want to be close to you and share in the experience of a new family member. Perhaps your mil sees it as a bonding thing, you'll be a mother too after this.

I think that a lot of MILs see a pregnancy as an opportunity to become closer to their DILs. Finally something that they can bond over. Something they've both experienced - pregnancy and motherhood.

I often see comments on MN where people think that their MILs just see them add a vessel for their GC, but I think that's unlikely in most cases. It's just excitement and something that the MILs feel they can share (in most cases).

I get you on the touching thing though. I didn't want my own mother stroking my bump either. So just say, "Sorry, I really don't like being touched"

No one should be touching you without your express permission and if they don’t stop that’s as good a reason as any to keep away from them. They’ll be the same with your baby, they sound the type to pick them up when they’re sleeping or not give them back when they’re crying or need a feed.

It’s good your DH is on the same page. Breastfeed if you want to, buy a sling, prepare to respond with “we’re doing what suits us and the baby”, “that’s interesting but we’re following the current guidance”, “no thank you”, “I don’t want to discuss that again thanks” to their inevitable interference and remember at all times you’re the parents and you get to make all the decisions about their care and upbringing.

I expect you’ve got some bumpy months ahead, keep talking to DH and standing your ground.

Yes, definitely. My family "gets me", and also my mother is quite good at listening and respecting boundaries in general. I'm sure that this also played a role in my personality growing up. I am introverted but friendly most of the time. But I hate feeling managed or finding people inhabiting my life.

You said that all parents manage their kids' anxieties—well, my PILs are not very good at that (see my previous post). They have had big arguments about boundary breaching in the past. They have been incredibly intrusive and pushy with their children about some very personal topics, so much that the children withdraw from them for months. Witnessing that made me see them under a different light entirely.

Thank you. I have been thinking about stuff that's not private that we can share with them so they don't feel too excluded. I will try to visit soon and discuss these things. I am however afraid they will take it as an invitation to move on to more personal topics or give unsolicited advice.

Sounds like control and power are important to you

I'm pregnant and no one touches my bump apart from me, DH, and my midwife. I would be pretty horrified if either my mum or MIL kept touching me and encouraging other people to touch me 😱

My MIL struggles with how independent I am - meaning I don't need to ask her approval or opinion before we buy furniture or make life decisions. However I would say her relationship with BIL is partly to blame for this, as he and his wife are younger than us and seem happy for her to do things like be involved in what house etc they buy. I will add that I don't ask my own parents for approval on anything, so it's all "fair" in that respect. I don't treat her any differently.

Really your DH needs to put his foot down on anything you feel uncomfortable with, especially the incessant bump touching. He should be saying quite firmly "please stop touching @RougeRosé it's not necessary / polite / makes her uncomfortable".

Please don’t treat them like this when the baby is born, they are linked to this child just as much as your parents are. I’m surprised your husband isn’t sticking up for them more. I feel bad for them!

Thanks both for sharing your angle. I do take issue with the gene thing, unfortunately, no matter how primordial the feeling. I was expecting them to be excited but I am an individual, not a gene carrier, and my baby will be one as well. The baby will not be someone's purpose in life or someone's toy (you should have seen her interact with a friend's GC—I was shocked).

I KNOW they will shower the baby with love and affection and they will play a big role in their life. I would hate to be the one getting in the way. But I also need to protect my child from being suffocated, and tbh I am wary after seeing how they are with their own children. Anyway, hopefully that won't be the case.

I guess one of the things that I find hard to understand is how this is suddenly an event that is all about them becoming grandparents, while we're trying to figure out logistics and come to terms emotionally with an event that will turn our whole world upside down.

Regarding the bonding—I can see that happening, totally. But once I'm a mother and if my boundaries are respected. I believe these things evolve naturally, you just can't force them.

As far as discussing personal medical details go, they are strangers. Anyone who thinks OP is unreasonable to not want to discuss her personal issues (sorry, I can't think of a better word) with anyone she is not comfortable discussing them with is beyond contempt. She should be able to discuss these things with who ever she wants to and not with whoever she doesn't want to.

I think it depends what your relationship is like with your in-laws in the first place.

My DP’s parents are separated and I’m a bit wary of one side. They’re asking for my pregnancy appointments and putting the dates and times on their calendar 😳 I don’t like it and feel pressured to update them afterwards. Partly blame DP for giving them that info in the first place.

The other side, his Mum, I genuinely love and have no issues sharing details with her, although she doesn’t ask for the same level of detail in the first place.

Do you feel able to challenge them? It can help to take back control.

You are not their blood relative, but you are now carrying their blood relative hence why they naturally feel more inclined to be caring, loving and protective towards you.

I have had similar thoughts about my PILs who are MUCH more interested in me now we have DD, but I figure that a child cannot suffer from having too many people who love them in this world, so I suck it up and try to appreciate it.

I think you’d have received different responses if you’d included the info in your last updates in you op.

My PIL are like this, I love them but they’re so overbearing and overinvested in every practical element of our lives, but offering little emotional support if any kind (while demanding it from DH constantly).

They constantly give opinions on what we should do in a million different situations, from how often to mow the lawn to what cleaning materials to use, what tools to buy etc. MIL in particular is also massively negative and catastrophises all the time (eg we told her we were going to the beach on a day off with DD - her immediate comments were how had the traffic would be and the weather forecast 😒).

We live round the corner but BIL has moved an hour away.

I’d give yourself a few topics that are ‘safe’ to discuss with them and put some clear boundaries in place if they start being overbearing. Good luck!

Oh and your post about your pregnancy being about them resonated with me - when our nephew was born some of PIL friends gave them ‘congrats on becoming grandparents!’ cards which I didn’t even realise was a thing 😝

Of course it's going to be important that the baby has a close relationship with his/her grandparents, but the OP herself is not obliged to feel close to her ILs or let them trample her boundaries. She's being subjected to unwanted touching and questioning. The ILs shouldn't get to do that just because the OP is having their grandchild. Would you be able to feel close to people who invaded your bodily autonomy and invalidated your wishes like this?

I totally get this OP. Pretty much everything you’ve said rings loud and clear to me, I felt suffocated and like a walking womb during my pregnancy. Now I feel like an inconvenience as it feels they think they should be more responsible for my baby than I am and I just get in the way. My baby is almost 8 months old now and going from my own experiences, I would urge you to set boundaries sooner rather than later.

Omg this was me last year! I remember every time they were coming to visit standing in front of my wardrobe looking for something loose to wear so they couldn’t get a glimpse at me. I started feeling so creeped out by it. Like it’s my uterus, my actual insides, stop trying to involve yourself in what’s going on in there 🙈 Luckily it was during covid and I was so cautious so they couldn’t visit much and had to sit outside. One of the times I got up to go back inside for something and I could just feel their eyes making it very obvious they were staring at me the whole way 😭 My family weren’t like that at all, never asked to touch my bump or anything.

My MIL has a reputation for saying really cheeky things and putting her foot in it so when he was born I remember once again pathetically standing looking in my wardrobe for something to wear that wouldn’t have her comment ‘you still look pregnant’ or something 🤦🏼‍♀️ I just wanted them all to go away and leave me alone. I think it all just felt so forced because like you, they really weren’t fussed about me before I was pregnant and I just felt like this delivery driver, carrying ‘their’ grandchild for them.

It ramped up when he was born with visits for hours on end but no offer of any actual help around the house or to even bring food. I sat heavily bleeding, just desperate to go upstairs to bed having to do fake smiles and act like I was fine with my baby being passed repeatedly back and forwards for everyone to get 100 pictures each. My biggest regret was the fact I sat there and got myself so stressed out about it after they left. I so wish I just stood up after the third hour of it and said I was taking him up for a sleep. If we have another I’m saying no visitors at all the first week because it was as if they forgot I’d even gone through a huge operation and was just discarded as an afterthought now I have produced this baby for them to coo over.

its majorly died down now he’s nearly 1, they still overstay their welcome when they come but there was one point there where they hadn’t visited in 2 months so the novelty has well and truly worn off! Good luck 🙈

They are your baby’s grandparents and have all rights to be happy and be inquisitive about it. Please don’t deprive them of this happiness.

My MIL was like this (and to a lesser extent my sisters in law). She was WAY more excited about my pregnancy than I was! I did find it overwhelming - her always wanting to touch my bump (I'm not a very tactile person), the fact that she suddenly seemed to really love me (she liked me before but suddenly she was extremely affectionate to me) and just that her excitement was off the scale. When my baby arrived she continued with this level of excitement for a year or 2 but it did gradually die down over the years. She's still always very happy to see my children but I'd say it's a normal level of happiness now whereas before my children seemed to be her whole reason for living. I don't have any advice. I just put up with it and never pushed her away. I have to say I really appreciate all the love, support and help I've had from my MIL. My children absolutely adore her and its wonderful for them to have such a devoted gran. The more people that love your children the better. They'll grow up feeling secure and worthy of this love. Just try and involve her as much as you can but if ever it's too much then give yourself a little space.

They don’t have any rights to cross her reasonable boundaries. My family were on cloud 9 about my pregnancy and no one ever rubbed my bump without asking first, it’s invasive and completely inappropriate. Normal levels of interest and enthusiasm are fine and not the same as intrusive questioning.

The OP’s pregnancy isn’t about the grandparents and she shouldn’t be made to feel like this because it suits them. They should be more considerate of her and no, they have no right to be inquisitive, her personal stuff is hers alone.

I wonder...Are those posters who think your right to privacy and bodily autonomy is trumped by your inlaws excitement and wishes also declaring themselves appalled by the overturning of Roe vs Wade?