Disparity in cost of gifts between DSC and DC

[NanoNano156]

It's DSC's birthday next week and partner has just been sat with him making up his list of birthday present requests. Multiple console games, random things, expensive new trainers (he just bought him new trainers not three months ago)

Meanwhile for our DD's birthday last month he bought her 1 kindi kids doll totalled to less than £20. Obviously she got more than just the one doll, I was buying her bits here and there in the months leading up.

We're not well off, infact we're counting pennies at the end of every month trying to stretch until one of us gets paid. My children do not walk around in expensibe trainers. We have separate finances which is partly due to the fact he is crap with money, when he gets his wages he pisses them up the wall after transferring me his half of the bills. I'm then left to do all of the budgeting and worrying about making X amount stretch the full month.

I don't feel able to say anything about the birthday gifts because it's his son, he wants to treat him but AIBU to be feeling annoyed?

There are a couple of factors at play, how bad he is with money being one of them, but the disparity between birthday gifts has upset me.

He's not over compensating for DSC not getting anything at his mums. He has a huge family on his DMs side and gets dozens of gifts every year. Our children don't though.

The only thing that would be an acceptable disparity to me is if DSC was a lot older and needed a bit of tech. One expensive thing. He doesn't need all of them.

Why are you even buying your own child separate presents? Why not sit down and discuss what you are buying for your kid together?

Is there a massive age gap? I wouldn’t say presents for a 2 year old need to equal those for a 16 year old for example.

Is this the only way you feel the kids are treated differently or is this the constant pattern?

Just thinking of my toddler and the stuff they need/like is a lot cheaper than the DSC

You don’t feel able to say anything? But your money is joint?

You need to sit down when things are quiet and agree a budget.

Is he a Disney dad generally?

DD is 3 and DSS is turning 8.

The reason we tend to buy presents separately is because he leaves things until the last minute (he has ADHD which I believe is a contributing factor)

I start thinking about birthdays a few months before and stretch the cost. He leaves everything until the last payday before the birthday.

We're polar opposites in terms of being organised and planning.

Luckily for DSS his birthday falls two days after DP gets paid so he'll be spoilt.

He bought him some new trainers a few months ago and didn't buy DD anything when he did. He is getting DD some shoes this month but that's because she really needs some, but they won't be expensive flash ones.

He did alot of Disney dadding in the early days which I tried to make him see wasn't acceptable but there's still alot of disparity with things like this.

What’s the age difference between the children? It’s not that unusual for parents to spend larger amounts on older children that want technology than younger children who are just as happy with less expensive gifts.

He will obviously feel some guilt towards his older child that he doesn’t get to live with both his parents and is trying to compensate for that, which is understandable.

You need to say something. It's not fair on the rest of the family.

We have separate bank accounts, my wages go into mine and his go into his. He transfers me £600 when he gets paid which is his half of the bills and what he's left with in his account gets splashed on whatever he wants to buy. He doesn't do any of the budgeting. He sees what's left in his bank as money to play with and spends it as he sees fit.

Meanwhile I have to budget for everything, the shopping, the increase in energy bills, everything the kids need throughout the month like pack ups etc.

The last week of every month we're always scraping by which wouldn't be the case if he took more care with his money. He spends about 60-70 per month on energy drinks for one thing..

If I say anything I'm just seen as being money grabbing.

DD is 3 and DSS is turning 8.

I see what you're saying, it just sits uncomfortably with me.

DD was pleading for some Lelli Kelli shoes that kept appearing on tv (clever marketing putting that on the kids channels) and fortunately I found some in the charity shop for her (£3 bargain)

Prior when she kept asking for them he would comment about how expensive they are, basically he isnt buying them, but thinks nothing of spending £60+ on DSS trainers that will be trashed in a few months.

I couldn't have got DD them Lelli Kellis brand new as the budget (what I have to allocate on everything) would never stretch to it. His 'money left after bills' would though.

It sounds like the whole set-up is unreasonable. He seems to have settled into a mindset of "DSS is mine, DD is yours", which is completely unhealthy, divisive and will do neither child any good. It's especially unfair given that you have less money, so your DD gets fewer and less showy presents, but it's the deeper divide within the family that would really concern me. I also find it troubling that you can't have a frank conversation with him about this.

He needs to understand that if he wants to be a family, he needs to treat the children equally and not elevate one over the other, or take responsibility for one and not the other. Poor little DD.

Even in a nuclear family, it's normal to spend much less on presents for a toddler than for an older child who is fashion conscious/wants expensive tech. And also normal not to buy one child a pair of shoes, just because you've bought the other child a pair of shoes. He's buying your toddler new shoes now her old ones have worn out. Nothing wrong with that, he didn't have to buy her some just because her step brother needed new trainers!

It seems as though the way you split your finances isn't correct, and he's not contributing to some family costs. You really need to go through all your expenses and work out what a fair monthly contribution is from him to cover all joint expenses, which would cover food/clothes and shoes for your shared DC/activities for your shared DC/presents and parties for your shared DC etc in addition to just his half of the household bills. Ideally you'd run a family account which you both pay in to to cover those things. Review this account regularly and you both up your contribution when costs go up etc.

If I say anything I'm just seen as being money grabbing.

And there you are - he wont get any better, you need to do better for your DD - she is not second class

Some of the things you are taking issue with is muddying the situation.
Its normal to just buy things for one child at a time, buying DSS new shoes didn’t mean all kids need new shoes. DD is getting new shoes now and DSS isn’t.
Also presents for a older child will be more expensive usually, their needs are different rather than it being unfair. DDs wants will also get more expensive as she gets older.
£60 on energy drinks is a lot but everyone should have a discretionary amount they can spend on whatever they want. That might be energy drinks, coffee, nails etc.

Clearly you need to readdress how much your bills and expenses are and both increase the joint money accordingly. Things the children need as they grow or gifts etc should be from this joint pot.

He will obviously feel some guilt towards his older child that he doesn’t get to live with both his parents and is trying to compensate for that, which is understandable.

Do you think mums who don’t see their older children everyday behave like this? Or do they just act like a parent of 2? Why do men get the same lame excuses made for them all the time? If he couldn’t deal with the guilt without taking it out on his younger child then he should have thought about that before having more children.

Your ‘D’P is a POS. It never ceases to amaze me how men like this still manage to land partner after partner.

ALL your combined wages should be in a family account, with play money only after everything paid. How can he throw money away while you struggle to budget. What use is he again?

You need to get a shared account.

Thank you for seeing my POV and not automatically disagreeing with me on account of me being a SM.

I agree the way our finances are handled isn't working. Years ago when we first moved in together we wouldn't merge money at all, it would be "you pay that and I'll pay this" but it quickly became apparent how bad he was with money and he would plough through a whole months wages within a week leaving us in shits creek getting by on my (low I might add) wage alone.

I had to insist he transfers me his portion of the bills when he gets paid which he now does and has been doing for a year or so, but he's still careless with what's left so I don't feel as though the initial solution changed much.

Talk to him!

I wouldn't want him having access to all of the joint money if I'm completely honest. He wastes enough of his own without having free reign of it all.

I need to don't I? I just feel so uncomfortable because I know he'll go on the defensive.

He'll spin it as me begrudging DSS birthday presents when actually it's the bigger picture. He won't see it that way though he'll just chalk it up to me wanting to deprive his son of nice things.

What about him adding a set amount each month which you save up and use for birthdays etc?

The issue is not your step son.
The issue is your partner
How bad will it have to get before you think of splitting?

His lack of care and fiscal irresponsibility would drive me insane .

It's definitely a DP issue, not a DSS issue.

Hell when I was 8 if a parent asked me what I wanted I would probably list off loads of expensive things too. 8 year old have little to no concept of money really.

Him adding a set amount each month to put away for birthdays is a good idea. I have a savings account we could use for that.

I make alot of excuses for DP on account of the ADHD but that's doing a disservice to the millions of other adults with ADHD who don't act like that...

You said you're the one budgeting for groceries and bill increases.

So he doesn't pay half the grocery/household stuff costs and he hasn't increased the money he gives for bills to cover the recent hikes??

How have you got into this situation?

He needs increase what he pays to bills to cover to increases.
You need to agree the monthly grocery/household needs budget and he needs to pay half to you along with the bill money.
He also needs to contribute to general "stuff" that your joint kid needs like clothes and shoes.

You've picked the wrong man here. This sounds like a man you sleep with for a few months and then move on but you had a kid with him. He was the wrong man. Now you need to try and fix it by enforcing an even split or walking out.