Disparity in cost of gifts between DSC and DC

[NanoNano156]

It's DSC's birthday next week and partner has just been sat with him making up his list of birthday present requests. Multiple console games, random things, expensive new trainers (he just bought him new trainers not three months ago)

Meanwhile for our DD's birthday last month he bought her 1 kindi kids doll totalled to less than £20. Obviously she got more than just the one doll, I was buying her bits here and there in the months leading up.

We're not well off, infact we're counting pennies at the end of every month trying to stretch until one of us gets paid. My children do not walk around in expensibe trainers. We have separate finances which is partly due to the fact he is crap with money, when he gets his wages he pisses them up the wall after transferring me his half of the bills. I'm then left to do all of the budgeting and worrying about making X amount stretch the full month.

I don't feel able to say anything about the birthday gifts because it's his son, he wants to treat him but AIBU to be feeling annoyed?

There are a couple of factors at play, how bad he is with money being one of them, but the disparity between birthday gifts has upset me.

He's not over compensating for DSC not getting anything at his mums. He has a huge family on his DMs side and gets dozens of gifts every year. Our children don't though.

The energy drinks - he's basically addicted to them. He does shift work and started buying them to keep up his energy levels but he drinks them like juice now and says he needs to in order to be vaguely productive on his days/nights off.

I've expressed concern about how bad they are for his health and he just gets defensive. He isn't going to stop drinking them, but I should stop funding it.

I understand separate finances, and him just giving you his half up front.

But he isnt paying half. Not at all.

That's what we cant understand.

I think you need to relook at his half of bills as prices have increased. If he won’t then I’d consider separating.

I think you are very patient with him. That would drive me nuts . He needs to wise up and support you more.

I'm a mug really aren't I.

Part of it for me is that I know he has maintenance to pay, so I pick up his slack so DSS doesn't miss out. Not that he would miss out. His mum is OK for money. But CM is non negotiable as it should be.

His CM has to come out of his leftover money.

If he could he trusted to have "family money" with everything in one pot and all expenses paid out from that then he could get your help when needed. But he cant be trusted and has resisted being fair to you and has actually called YOU a money grabber.

He is going to have to cough up half the household expenses and pay his maintenance. And just have less leftover.

Hi op it sound like you both need to straighten out money.

He has a child with you and yet he's acting like a child himself.

Sit down with him, try and make it nice, maybe get a babysitter and go out.
Pen and paper.
Say you need to sort money out and work out anyway to do it.
He pays his "bills" but actually he isn't.

Bills include children's food/toys/clothes etc.

So ask him and work how much you both need to start giving each month for this.
Here we do £50 each a month but it used to be £20 each.

Every month both put this into a special bank account or within a joint account.
Next, what can you both afford to put towards birthday?
Again we did £10 a month, now Dh does 20 and I do 10.

Bynthe time bday comes around it's glorious to have some ££ to pull on.

Same with Xmas. We save a lot more to Xmas. It used to be a lot less.

Again ear mark somewhere separate for this money to go.
Then you need an emergency fund. Obviously this should have the most money going in but, also hopefully you won't need it for a while so this will accumulate nicely.

These separate savings should cover you.and mean you have ££ for what you need when you need it..

Once he has paid towards this...then what's left over is truly his.

As an aside we go further...we have a car fund, a savings fund.
Every penny is assigned.
If I get 20 for myself it's a miracle.
But so is having a few hundred saved up for Xmas.
We also have a holiday fund.

Without a structure, you won't get anywhere.

He's assigning money to himself that's essentially not his to spend because he has other commitments.

Please get rid of him OP, honestly put him in the bin, claim maintenance. Really what is he bringing to the table, he isn’t even paying half the bills fgs! You and the kids deserve better and I tell you now they will notice the disparity eventually.

Thing that leaps out here is you're struggling to budget due to increasing cost of living whilst he has spends that uses for what he likes.

Maybe time to look at how much he's transferring you each month towards bills as it won't be nearly enough if it hasn't increased in the last month or so.

FFS. He sounds useless and selfish.

No one is so ‘bad with money’ that they think £100 a month covers 50% of all the household costs involved in raising a child and running a home. No one.

Don’t just add up the fixed monthly bills. Work out variable things like clothes & shoes for DD over a year, food and energy, presents (birthday AND Christmas), random shit like playgroup or soft play, haircuts, all that stuff. Divide it by 12 and add it to the bills. Then add a bit more for contingency.

Financial inequality with useless arsehole fathers really grinds my gears.

Tbh, you say you both pay 50/50 bills, and I assume what each of you has left is yours to do with as you want? If the bills are accounted for in his contribution, then unless there is something else he needs to pay, then the money is pretty much his to do with as he pleases. If other things such as presents, clothes, holidays, need to be taken into consideration, then you just need to up his contribution. Me and DH have our own accounts, and pay half towards the bills, and then I spend my remaining money on what I want, which he might think is wasted as I spend on clothes, nails and expensive face creams.

This person hasn't bothered to actually read your posts. Ignore this.

Part of it for me is that I know he has maintenance to pay, so I pick up his slack so DSS doesn't miss out. Not that he would miss out. His mum is OK for money. But CM is non negotiable as it should be.

Basically* *what you’re describing is that he’s got 2 kids, with 2 different mothers, and he thinks bunging about £100 to cover costs for each is fair enough, because the mothers will sort the rest so the kids don’t miss out. He’s still Disney Dadding, you just haven’t realised it. His money is for fun.

It sounds like he has a poor understanding of how household expenses work. Learning what "true expenses" are is a sobering process, but really he has to. There are some really useful but funny and light videos on YouTube by Hannah from YNAB that might get him started if he is ready to start growing up. If he isn't, you're pretty much stuck with choosing between fair adulting or him.

This is a good place to point reluctant budgeters : youtube.com/watch?v=R4VbZCxDDvY

There's alot of sterling advice here, thank you all.

I'm definitely going to sit him down tomorrow with a calculator and and go over everything.

I'm not sure if I'm going to mention the difference in presents yet.

You shouldn't feel that you can't talk to him and point out the disparity Op, it's obviously unreasonable. His defensiveness is a big red flag

Indeed. I always feel apprehensive when there is an issue to be raised as I know how defensive he can be when he feels attacked. Attacked to him can be as little as somebody saying "I don't like the way you do X Y or Z"

There's something called rejection sensitive dysphoria which can be a factor in people with ADHD and I think he fits that well.

Don't frame it like that.
Don't make him defensive, say you both need to look at what you both can contribute towards the extra pots.

Your setting up pots for clothes/ birthday, /Christmas/ saving/emergency fund.
What's left over is his.same for you but not enough is being set aside at the moment.

You've posted about this scenario before haven't you?

I think there are clearly two issues here. On the one hand, presents and honestly I would strongly encourage you to spend as little on the 3 year old as you can. They dont know how much stuff costs and I would always say buy it second hand and save your money because by the time they are 8 you wont be able to do that and it will be expensive. so no need to over compensate there, the three year old is fine. Revisit in a few years when and if the difference because too apparent to the kids. And again just buy second hand, if it makes you feel better put the money you saved on the presents into an account for her.

But the other is joint finances and that you should address. He should pay more and his money shouldn't just be for treats. You really do need to sit down and sort it out

The problem is that if you mix the two - he might just think you sound bitter hen in reality these are two different issues that can be addressed in different ways

OP,

He is a waster that is stealing from your child.

He isn't paying anywhere near 50%.

He is living off you.

You sound afraid and bullied by him.

Your children deserve better.

So do you.

I'm not sure if I'm going to mention the difference in presents yet.

I wouldn't mention it at this point but concentrate on pointing out how he isn't paying anywhere near half and on setting up a separate account for birthday and Christmas presents. The disparity might well come up at the next round of birthdays.

Of course the risk with this idea is there could be problems depending on when the birthdays are - if DSS's birthday is before DD's, then don't let him use all the money in the fund - point out that there are other birthdays. That might be when you point out that maybe there should be a limit, over which he has to pay out of his spending money.

Jesus Christ. He’s feckless and stupid. You need to redress the balance here.

Spoiling his son won't help he will make a rod for his own back. Kid will expect more and more.

Kids want expensive things then wait till they can buy themselves. So many idiotic parents around.