Disparity in cost of gifts between DSC and DC

[NanoNano156]

It's DSC's birthday next week and partner has just been sat with him making up his list of birthday present requests. Multiple console games, random things, expensive new trainers (he just bought him new trainers not three months ago)

Meanwhile for our DD's birthday last month he bought her 1 kindi kids doll totalled to less than £20. Obviously she got more than just the one doll, I was buying her bits here and there in the months leading up.

We're not well off, infact we're counting pennies at the end of every month trying to stretch until one of us gets paid. My children do not walk around in expensibe trainers. We have separate finances which is partly due to the fact he is crap with money, when he gets his wages he pisses them up the wall after transferring me his half of the bills. I'm then left to do all of the budgeting and worrying about making X amount stretch the full month.

I don't feel able to say anything about the birthday gifts because it's his son, he wants to treat him but AIBU to be feeling annoyed?

There are a couple of factors at play, how bad he is with money being one of them, but the disparity between birthday gifts has upset me.

He's not over compensating for DSC not getting anything at his mums. He has a huge family on his DMs side and gets dozens of gifts every year. Our children don't though.

The energy drinks - he's basically addicted to them.

They’re just sugar. He’s addicted to the sugar. Nothing else.

What is the point of him in your life?

Op, if your partner has ADHD it may be his symptoms that are the main issue here as they can lead to him behaving impulsively when it comes to finances and prioritising the "now" rather than being able to plan how to spend for the month. There was even an article in The Guardian recently on how people with ADHD can be impacted when it comes to financial management - some people really struggle.

A couple of things you can do:

• If he is not medicated, then he needs to at least try some medication - it can take a bit of trial and error to find one that works

• Sit down together and work out your joint budget for the year - not just rent and bills, but incidentals like birthday presents, Xmas, groceries, kids stuff, medical stuff, savings, etc. Then divide by 12. This is the amount you need to put into a joint account every month, so he needs to contribute half that amount. (Personally we have 2 joint accounts - one for the fixed stuff like mortgage, power, insurance etc and one for things like groceries, pet food etc - that way we know the fixed bills are always covered). Anything left over can be divided up and shared as "fun" money.

One more thing - I also recommend reading A Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD.

There is a talk here by the author which is worth watching, the book then goes into a lot more of the practical strategies to address some of the issues.

How much do you both make each month? It sounds very unfair.

Hi OP, can I suggest you do the inverse of current approach:

right now - he gets his pay, gives you some and sees the rest as his

better approach - pay goes in joint account, and he gets an allowance back to spend as he pleases based on what you jointly think you can afford based on your family outgoings each month. Anything spent from the joint is pre agreed with both of you (regular outgoings).

He gets to spend that on whatever he wants, but if your family outgoings go up or are not managed effectively then the allowance is at risk.

my husband and I do this (he is lovely but not very interested in budgeting…) and we’ve fallen out much less since we did.

It does not sound like he can be trusted with access to a joint account.

Once money is in a joint account, including OP's money, then it is legally available to either of the named people.

It really doesn't sound like he can be trusted to see all that money in their and only spend what has been transferred to his sole account. He would take more.

Can't you just point out gas, electricity and food is all going up and £600 is no longer enough. Tell him he will need to pay £675 from next month. Tell him he might have to go up to £700 in October to cover winter fuel. Tell him you need more help with budgeting and shopping for bits too. Tell him children must have an equal budget for Xmas

Just read your update. Why are you putting up with this? If rent is £1000 then he pays £500 towards rent. Work out other cost and bill him half. Stop subsidising him he is not your child. Partners are supposed to be equal.

*in their joint account

I think whatever he spends on DSC you should be making a point to note and saying he owes you half for DD for next birthday, and ask for extra on paydays leading up to it.

It would be different if they were each your own children, and you split all other joint costs evenly (or equably)

A few things here op.

He gives you half for bills etc. Do you both earn the same? If not, and if you have separate finances, he should be giving you a proportionate split. E.g. if he earns 50% more, he contributes 50% more to the bills meaning you have a little more 'free' cash too, to splash on what you want.

He 'pisses his half up the wall' doesn't sound like the makings of a harmonious relationship. Does he get to go out and enjoy himself, buy whatever he likes etc, while you struggle and are left caring for your dd?

I have a dsd and dh and I have two younger dc together. We give them all exactly the same amount for Christmas and birthdays and always have. Dsd is now an adult, and we've helped her out with bigger items for her home, education or whatever but always in the knowdge we'll do the same for our dc (plus we spend more on them on a day to day basis). Your partner is a Disney dad. It's no way to continue.

He isn’t really contributing half; you need to note down all the bills and work out what half of the month is then that’s what he should send you

Why did you trust someone to be the father of your child if he can’t be trusted to have a joint account?

Lots of good advice.
look at the bill for the last 12 months.
Look at income.
Remove his CM from his income, what is he left with?
split bills 50:50.
Discuss what he thinks is reasonable to put aside each month for DC birthday and Christmas. “If we put aside $10 each month for each DC that leaves $60 for birthday and $60 for Christmas, do you think this is enough or should we put aside more?”
What does he think is a reasonable amount for a holiday?. Look at the holidays you want, cost them out and then put aside each month.
good luck 💐

I wouldn't bring the presents in to your discussion as it's money in general that's the issue and if you can get through to him then everything like the presents will sort itself out hopefully.

Realistically, he is paying for half the rent and then 25 per month towards all the other bills (not taking in to account the $45 on the meter). This is not ok at all.

How he can be ok with having all that spare money while you scrape by is beyond me.

My DD is diagnosed as having ADHD ..... it took me a long time to accept that as she is a 'mini me' so I strongly suspect I also have ADHD, it's not an excuse for him to be like this and I suspect that he is taking advantage of the fact that you let his ADHD be an excuse. Stop doing that.

Maybe bring it up, have it all written down and tell him you'd like him to take a look at it so you can have a talk about it later on. This will give him time to process it without getting defensive and with any luck you will be able to have a reasonable conversation with him.

Record everything you spend in a month on family things so rents, bills, food etc. Then ask him for half.
Or do it another way and make sure you both have the same percentage of your wage left over after bills as spending money.
Do you have other children other than your shared 3 year old? This could change how much he should be contributing

Good luck OP

Methinks you will need it.

How you haven't got the ick with him I'll never know!

Hi OP,

can I suggest that before you sit down and Leo the budget you give him some warning first? I know that the people I know with ADHD would feel ambushed if they were just sat down with a spreadsheet and calculator without having had a chance to prepare for the conversation.

Its just a case of saying that bills have gone up and you are finding it hard to manage so you think it would be helpful for the two of you to sit down at a later point and work out bills together.

If you mean by you having to budget for everything that you're budgeting out of the bills money you both contribute towards then to be fair you are only the one budgeting rather than him because you chose to take on the task due to him being bad with money. I do this too. However if you mean you're budgeting for additional things for the family out of your own money then you both arent paying enough into the joint account for bills. You shouldn't only pay in sums to cover actual paper/electronic bills but also a sum which will cover less fixed bills like food costs, things like clothes for the kids and days out etc.

The bottom line is, its up to you if you want to put up with an arsehole and keep making excuses for him and treating him like a baby who cant help it. Its your choice.

I have family members with ADHD and the lack of ability to plan, the pulse buying and the energy drinks are all very familiar. You don't need to buy them for him though.

What struck is that it won't be that long before your child realises their siblings gets a lot more 'stuff' and money spent on them.
I hope you can put some plans into place.
Good luck OP.

I think he knows exactly what he is doing. No adult thinks that £100 a month covers groceries and utility bills.

You keep saying he pays half but he doesnt. You are paying to have a boyfriend in your life. His priority is the flash presents and dinners out. So others think he is successful.

He either truly pays half of everything from now on or he goes. I would want some of the money I'd been subsiding him as well.

Hi, OP - I think the difference in the presents was the thing that got you thinking, thank goodness. But it is relatively minor within the overall scheme of things, so I would not mention it at the moment.

As PPs have said, your H is not paying anything like half your joint expenses. He is paying half the rent plus a tiny bit. Grossly unfair.

I suggest that all joint expenses for your entire family including all DC and all DSC be listed and shared out equally, but I know some prefer to allocate big expenses for DSC to their own parent. (That doesn’t feel like a family to me. But whatever works for you.). As PP have said this includes all those things for your DD that it is clear you have been paying for unthinkingly. This will include quite a lot you haven’t listed. Your H can have his treats with anything that is left.

If you want to be generous - and you will still come out well ahead, I think - you could add the CM your H pays into the pot of common expenses to be shared. But that is a philosophical question each woman needs to answer for herself. (If your money was pooled you would essentially be doing this, but you have a rare situation where pooling your money seems a bad idea.)

I am not worried that your DD has missed out yet, because 3 year olds don’t notice. But how many treats have you had? I think you deserve something to help recover from this situation and put the new arrangement on a sound footing.

The 3 yr old wont stay 3, she'll start noticing soon.

My son's list was always way higher in terms of money value - ps4 games, earphones, clothes with the right label... my daughter was happy with Tesco clothes and a book and a few other crafty bits. When young it seems more the same quantity than value mattered to them. Now my son still gets more spent in his birthday (turning 19 and he wants Beats earphones, nice watch and gold earring). All my daughter could come up with was a few special art pens (of course I got her more things). To be honest I'm happy one is not as spendthrift as the other!
If it's family money he's spending I would hope you discussed it. I imagine part of it is guilt.

I'd go down the route of increased cost of living and literally write down every single bill - including non-fixed like food, things for your DD (including enough for you to put a bit aside for her birthday) - and go through that in your conversation.

I completely understand the separate finances and I am the same. My DP is not as bad as yours but he is used to flying by the seat of his pants when it comes to money whereas I'm not like that. He also overspends on SCs for birthdays and fails to prepare so he can spread the cost, and I don't want to have a joint fund that just ends up getting rinsed for treats for SCs.

I would definitely try to increase what your DP is handing over to you each month so you can cover more costs, and tbh for your DD's birthday and Christmas, I'd ask him what he prefers - would he like to agree all the gifts with you and then pay half, or for you to choose what she's getting and allocate him a few bits to get? Either way he needs to contribute.