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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School run help when her husband could've done it

112 replies

mineymimey · 30/06/2022 15:48

I've been stewing on something since Monday, but I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable!

For context, we live 15 minutes walk away from the primary school my DD6 attends.

The friend / school mum that this relates to lives 15 minutes away, but in a different direction from my house. She has a useless husband when it comes to childcare and help.

Our 2 eldest DDs are in the same class.

On Monday, she told me her youngest DD was poorly but that was she having to take her on school run as her husband was working away for the day. So I offered to pick her eldest up and take her to school.

She lives 10 minutes in a different direction. So off we toddle on Monday, leaving the house 10 minutes early to pick up her DD.

We also pick her up after school and take her home, again 10 minutes in the wrong direction, in the rain. Only for her DD to say on the school walk back that her Dad was home, and was all day.

He was working, but I know his job is flexible and could have easily done school runs, or even have sat with the poorly child whilst mum did school run.

I feel annoyed that she told me her husband was working away. He is useless with childcare and won't step up unless specifically asked. So I have a feeling she just thought I was the easier option.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:

Choppies · 30/06/2022 20:27

Yeah she was clearly planning on having to take the sick kid on the school run rather than her husband helping - she was probably embarrassed. You are giving her support and showing her that she’s worthy of support and showing her what friends should treat you like - leaving a useless partner is a huge mental process and a day with sick kids isn’t the day for it. You did a nice thing for someone who probably really needed and appreciated it so just be happy with that.

my partner is better these days but has had phases of being utterly useless to the point where I wouldn’t leave him alone with a baby for any length of time and I really appreciated the mates who looked after the baby for doctors appointments and the like in those days!

Floella22 · 30/06/2022 20:31

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 19:29

the child said that her dad was home for breakfast, which in her words 'doesn't happen very often'. She also said 'daddy didn't pick me up or take me because you and mummy had already planned it'

bull shit a 6 year old girl said this on her walk home from school with a friend. Buuuullll. Shiiiiit.

I take it your 6 year old isn’t very articulate @Ohthatsexciting
My dd at 6 would definitely have dropped me in it if I’d lied and would certainly have paraphrased anything she overheard.

redskyatnight · 30/06/2022 20:32

I've had several occasions where DH can't help with the school run because he's planning to go into the office, but then his meeting gets cancelled last minute so he ends up wfh.

(And equally occasions where he does go into the office but finishes early so is unexpectedly back for afternoon school run time, but I couldn't rely on this.)

This sounds like a situation where there was a last minute change of plans when you were already on route, so not worth getting in touch to cancel. And mum may have thought that it was more messing you about to cancel the homeward journey then leave it as planned (at 6, if my DC thought they were going home with a friend, they would be looking forward to it all day and be not happy if it were cancelled last minute).

But, like many things on MN, perhaps you should have an actual conversation with the other parent to resolve all this?

Herejustforthisone · 30/06/2022 21:30

YANBU, but be annoyed at him, not her. She’s obviously just embarrassing and masking the fact that her husband is a useless, lazy cunt.

Dontgetmestarted65 · 30/06/2022 21:46

mineymimey · 30/06/2022 15:53

I think it's the fact that she told me he was working away that day, when in fact he was working at home.

Probably because she was ashamed to say "because my husband is so selfish he cane watch his own poorly child for half an hour while I take our other child to school."

It frustrating you picked up his slack but it's a shitty position to be in. And often asking him for help isn't worth the aftermath.

Momicrone · 30/06/2022 21:59

Just don't offer again, but I agree it's shit

KosherDill · 01/07/2022 01:07

Herejustforthisone · 30/06/2022 21:30

YANBU, but be annoyed at him, not her. She’s obviously just embarrassing and masking the fact that her husband is a useless, lazy cunt.

She chose him, and chose to have children by him.

KosherDill · 01/07/2022 01:09

ithoughtitmihtbenicetochat · 30/06/2022 20:14

I'll be honest here, because I've done exactly this.
Had a husband who didn't start work until after the school run or was wfh. But getting him to do the school run caused such issues and upset I just stopped.
And then when I was unwell I needed help. Of course he could have done it, but it would have made things hellish.

On her behalf, if this is the case, I'm sorry. I knew it was a dick move and I bet she does too. But I couldn't explain that he wouldn't do it, without sobbing and opening the 'my marriage is killing me' floodgates.

So you shift the burden to someone else?

KosherDill · 01/07/2022 01:12

onmywayamarillo · 30/06/2022 17:31

Single mum here, you'd be shocked at the women who ask me to pick and drop their kids with perfectly functional husbands/ partners who do absolutely 0 parenting.

My reply: what's wrong with your husband?

They don't ask again

Brava to you!

People need to realize the consequences of their choices rather than constantly be enabled.

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 06:35

KosherDill · 01/07/2022 01:07

She chose him, and chose to have children by him.

Show quote history

@KosherDill

is that what you would say to your daughter? Standing in your doorstep with two children in the middle of the night having decided she’d had enough of her husband?

Who needs enemies when you have a mother like @KosherDill?

MessedOfTimes · 01/07/2022 06:44

Sounds like the poor woman lied because her husband is a piece of abusive trash, and with that comes all sorts of bending the truth. You did a kind and generous thing. That’s not a waste. She shouldn’t have lied, but something tells me this lie is the least of her worries right now

EmmyGoLightly · 02/07/2022 16:29

I’ve potentially been in a similar position to OP’s friend.
Asked my husband if I could leave sick child at home while I took our other child to school (and in fact also asked
how we could juggle both wfh and looking after sick child for the day). His response was that he couldn’t “help” until after 5.30.

I didn’t ask anyone to help with the school run. TBH it didn’t occur to me, so I ended up waking sick dc and taking them along. I felt so bad for her.

If your dc got the facts right, I think the mum might be having a really tough time at home and perhaps your help will help her see there are kind people out there and she deserves better.

(I’m getting divorced now and can see his abuse more clearly btw)

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