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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run help when her husband could've done it

112 replies

mineymimey · 30/06/2022 15:48

I've been stewing on something since Monday, but I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable!

For context, we live 15 minutes walk away from the primary school my DD6 attends.

The friend / school mum that this relates to lives 15 minutes away, but in a different direction from my house. She has a useless husband when it comes to childcare and help.

Our 2 eldest DDs are in the same class.

On Monday, she told me her youngest DD was poorly but that was she having to take her on school run as her husband was working away for the day. So I offered to pick her eldest up and take her to school.

She lives 10 minutes in a different direction. So off we toddle on Monday, leaving the house 10 minutes early to pick up her DD.

We also pick her up after school and take her home, again 10 minutes in the wrong direction, in the rain. Only for her DD to say on the school walk back that her Dad was home, and was all day.

He was working, but I know his job is flexible and could have easily done school runs, or even have sat with the poorly child whilst mum did school run.

I feel annoyed that she told me her husband was working away. He is useless with childcare and won't step up unless specifically asked. So I have a feeling she just thought I was the easier option.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/06/2022 16:53

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 16:44

Why do women keep having children with these kinds of men?

Show quote history

You mean why don’t women have the ability to tell the future? Yes for some women there are warning signs pre children, but that’s not always the case.

Do you feel uncomfortable blaming these men for their shit parenting for some reason?

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 30/06/2022 16:53

I'm wondering how the 6 year old knew he was home all day if she was in school. Did you talk to the Mum about it at all?

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 30/06/2022 16:56

Kids don't always get things right either. My kids get the wrong end of the stick quite often!

RandomQuest · 30/06/2022 16:58

I’d assume things are a lot worse at home than she’s letting on and cut her some slack. He clearly wouldn’t step up, or couldn’t be trusted to so she did genuinely need your help. It’s easier said than to LTB.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/06/2022 17:00

Guessing you checked with the mum that the kid wasn’t wrong/lying then, rather than assuming the mum was a liar or that plans may have changed last minute. I can see the lying is annoying but to still be stewing on it days later is a bit much, especially considering you offered. Move on.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 17:00

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 30/06/2022 16:53

I'm wondering how the 6 year old knew he was home all day if she was in school. Did you talk to the Mum about it at all?

Good point.

6 year olds at the end of school re what happened at home when they weren’t there re their fathers job…. are not the most reliable witnesses

KosherDill · 30/06/2022 17:01

JenniferBarkley · 30/06/2022 15:59

I'd be angry with him but sympathetic to her. If he's such an asshole that he wouldn't look after the sick child or do the school run she didn't have many options and presumably would've been (rightly) embarrassed to tell you he was home but wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't be sympathetic to her. She chose to marry and have children with him. Manipulating OP and others to make up for the problematic results of those choices is not admirable, to say the least. She needs to sort her marital and domestic issues.

KosherDill · 30/06/2022 17:05

FancyFelix · 30/06/2022 16:22

I have a mate like this who's always asking for help with running her kids places because her DH is a useless twat. I feel a bit torn as it's not her fault he's useless, but ultimately I usually refuse to enable it.

Nothing will change until we all refuse to enable this.

People need to live with the consequences of the choices they've made. And maybe others observing them will make better choices.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/06/2022 17:07

Trivester · 30/06/2022 16:50

If she had said to you that she needed help because her dh wouldn’t do it, what would you have said?

Good question! I wish I had an answer.

It's probably a three way split between


  • 50% 'surely he can manage to to be the adult in the house whilst your youngest sits in front of CBeebies; whilst you do the schoolrun and he gets on with WFH with one eye on her?'

  • 30% 'if you drop her at mine and pick her up from mine you'll only be out for 20 mins, can he really not even manage to be the adult in the house for that long?'

  • 20% offering to fetch her eldest and deliver her back home


But, she didn't say that, did she?

Dancingwithhyenas · 30/06/2022 17:12

Bit off tangent but this is similar to me to when I bought food shopping for a friend and her kids because her husband was financially abusing her (he had an addiction). Of course it’s utterly crap, but I didn’t at all resent helping her and her kids. She did eventually leave him but it took time and support.

Thinkingblonde · 30/06/2022 17:16

KyaClark · 30/06/2022 15:53

I think it's the lying that's the problem

Show quote history

Aside from the lying isn’t it 40 minutes ? 20 mins in the morning and 20 mins at home time. 10 mins to collect the child, then 10 mins to school and the same in reverse at home time.

GoldenSongbird · 30/06/2022 17:21

I couldn't get worked up over it. It's possible you misunderstood 'he's working away on something' ie he's busy working and can't be interrupted with 'he's working away' with away meaning geographic location.

You either help her out knowing her DH is useless (as you said in the OP) or you follow the frankly batshit example of the posters on here who do bugger all and feel smug that they're not 'enabling' a bad relationship. Even though no-one ever left a relationship because their neighbours and friends isolated them just as their partners wanted them to. Your call.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/06/2022 17:24

Thinkingblonde · 30/06/2022 17:16

Aside from the lying isn’t it 40 minutes ? 20 mins in the morning and 20 mins at home time. 10 mins to collect the child, then 10 mins to school and the same in reverse at home time.

Show quote history

I can’t see why it matters. But she said the other mum lives a 15 min walk to school like she does, just from a different direction. So they left 10 mins earlier to get friend, then normal 15 min walk to school from there. Then after school normal 15 min walk just to friends house, then the extra 10 mins home. So no it’s 20 mins.

starfishmummy · 30/06/2022 17:24

I'd be concerned that she felt she had to lie!! My DH is wfh and isn't always available to pop out as he often has to be in teams meetings, but he would be able to stay in woth a sock child if I had to go out. But maybe this sick child only wanted Mum to look after them - that's not unusual.

Goldbar · 30/06/2022 17:25

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 30/06/2022 16:56

Kids don't always get things right either. My kids get the wrong end of the stick quite often!

This. I wouldn't necessarily go by what the 6yo said. My DC often runs upstairs to show their daddy something because they think he's home when he's actually at work or says he's 'at work' when he's actually having a lie-in or wfh at the weekend. Kids get confused.

Anothernamechangeplease · 30/06/2022 17:26

The child may well have been mistaken. Perhaps she thought her dad had been at home all day and he wasn't?

Viviennemary · 30/06/2022 17:28

It's a cheek. I 'd be annoyed too.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 17:28

Can you imagine having a mum like @KosherDill

Shit, I feel sad and depressed just thinking about it!

MyAnacondaMight · 30/06/2022 17:30

I get it - it’s annoying. I’ve felt similar helping out a friend with a new baby - I knew she was struggling so took time out to spend an afternoon with her here and there. Ended up doing her husbands gym kit laundry - which is what she wanted help with, but I was cross that she was exhausted yet her husband had time to go to the gym every day.

In those scenarios I feel like I’m acting as unpaid help to the lazy husband - which is what is irritating.

onmywayamarillo · 30/06/2022 17:31

Single mum here, you'd be shocked at the women who ask me to pick and drop their kids with perfectly functional husbands/ partners who do absolutely 0 parenting.

My reply: what's wrong with your husband?

They don't ask again

Johnnypiratesfriend · 30/06/2022 17:33

To be honest I think you need to see it as help.
You don't know what's going on she maybe planning to leave him and wondering how she would manage. Your support would show her she can manage without him!

goldengirlsoncraic · 30/06/2022 17:38

Anothernamechangeplease · 30/06/2022 17:26

The child may well have been mistaken. Perhaps she thought her dad had been at home all day and he wasn't?

Kids also have the uncanny knack of telling the truth and exposing the lies.

Id say more than like the dm was lying rather than the child.

But i wouldnt help again,shes shown herself to be a liar. And possible cf.

Penguinevere · 30/06/2022 17:41

YANBU op I wouldn’t mind doing it if she was honest. He’s kind of making a fool of both of you this way.

TheMushroom · 30/06/2022 17:51

This could easily have been me (it wasn't me!).

DH works from home often but I can't rely on him for anything like school runs or additional childcare duties. His boss is a loon and I swear he must have a tracker on DH's phone because he always seems to call DH every time he steps out of the house for anything other than work reasons. Since he was 'caught' and bollocked for giving our eldest a lift to school, he just doesn't do any of that any more to be on the safe side.

Also, he often has a long, boring status call with his team right over the time for school pick up.

I can easily imagine a scenario where, rather than explain all of the above to a school mum friend I don't know very well, I would just say he's away with work.

It was only ten minutes out of the way. Either do the favour or don't. But I would struggle to get really worked up about it.

dottymac · 30/06/2022 17:51

This resonates because that's happened to me a few times but with people's kids! E.g "Can you look after little Bobby until 5 then their dad will pick them up" cue the dad turning up an hour (or more !!) Late because he decided to work on a bit extra or have a leisurely amble home while I looked after their kid! Without so much as even a text to inform, much less ask if that was ok - because what's another hour and another kid to look after 🤷 pisses me off - my time is not less important than yours ya bunch of using fandans 😡

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