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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run help when her husband could've done it

112 replies

mineymimey · 30/06/2022 15:48

I've been stewing on something since Monday, but I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable!

For context, we live 15 minutes walk away from the primary school my DD6 attends.

The friend / school mum that this relates to lives 15 minutes away, but in a different direction from my house. She has a useless husband when it comes to childcare and help.

Our 2 eldest DDs are in the same class.

On Monday, she told me her youngest DD was poorly but that was she having to take her on school run as her husband was working away for the day. So I offered to pick her eldest up and take her to school.

She lives 10 minutes in a different direction. So off we toddle on Monday, leaving the house 10 minutes early to pick up her DD.

We also pick her up after school and take her home, again 10 minutes in the wrong direction, in the rain. Only for her DD to say on the school walk back that her Dad was home, and was all day.

He was working, but I know his job is flexible and could have easily done school runs, or even have sat with the poorly child whilst mum did school run.

I feel annoyed that she told me her husband was working away. He is useless with childcare and won't step up unless specifically asked. So I have a feeling she just thought I was the easier option.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 30/06/2022 16:12

DemBonesDemBones · 30/06/2022 16:09

@hellcatspangle really?! You honestly wouldn't do this?! I have 3 kids and have more on the school run/back to mine a few times a week when friends need a favour. It's really not a massive deal!

You're missing my point. Of course I would do it for a friend who needed me to. But I think it's CF territory for her DH to sit at home while someone else is traipsing about in the rain taking his kids home (and lying about it!)

Shinyandnew1 · 30/06/2022 16:13

Yes, that would annoy me. So…next time she says, ‘I will have to bring poorly child with me on the school run,’ say nothing. It’s not your problem to offer lifts and go out of your way to help, when they have shown themselves to be liars or chancers.

bigbluebus · 30/06/2022 16:14

Lesson learned - don't offer again.

Cornettoninja · 30/06/2022 16:17

the poorly younger child for 20 minutes while she does the school run

It’d actually be 50 mins for the round trip for the other mum but I agree with your point, he really should have been able to cover it as he’s in the house anyway.

As he wasn’t I agree with reframing it in your head as helping out the mum because her DH is a twat. She would have had to take the sick dc along either way.

ResentfulLemon · 30/06/2022 16:18

IamnotSethRogan · 30/06/2022 15:58

It's not great but maybe she's just embarrassed, needed help and didn't want to go into what a cunt her husband is

I agree with this - you don't know what their marriage is like behind closed doors.

Whilst this has really annoyed you, I think you've probably really helped a woman that needed it. We're only responsible for our own actions, not those around us. You did a good, kind thing - that shouldn't be something to regret.

SmileyPiuPiu · 30/06/2022 16:20

ResentfulLemon · 30/06/2022 16:18

I agree with this - you don't know what their marriage is like behind closed doors.

Whilst this has really annoyed you, I think you've probably really helped a woman that needed it. We're only responsible for our own actions, not those around us. You did a good, kind thing - that shouldn't be something to regret.

Show quote history

This is what I'm thinking too

FancyFelix · 30/06/2022 16:22

I have a mate like this who's always asking for help with running her kids places because her DH is a useless twat. I feel a bit torn as it's not her fault he's useless, but ultimately I usually refuse to enable it.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/06/2022 16:24

It may be that the OP is in an abusive marriage and could not have left the unwell child with the DH because he isn’t safe with children.

OR, it could be that she has lied about him being at work, because they both fancied a day off from doing the school run and hoped you’d go out of your way to do it twice for them so they didn’t have to leave the house.

What do you think, OP? Will you offer again?

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 16:29

FancyFelix · 30/06/2022 16:22

I have a mate like this who's always asking for help with running her kids places because her DH is a useless twat. I feel a bit torn as it's not her fault he's useless, but ultimately I usually refuse to enable it.

I would do exactly that. I refuse to help another woman enable her useless dh.

Naunet · 30/06/2022 16:32

Why do these kinds of men even have kids FFS?

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 30/06/2022 16:32

I'd be annoyed that my friend had lied to me, if I were in your shoes.

It sounded like neither of them could be arsed to do the school run. One of them could have done it and the other one could have stayed with the poorly one.

Dancingwithhyenas · 30/06/2022 16:40

I think I’d be generous and think he is either abusive in some way or they’d had a massive row. Sometimes people lie because the truth is too exposing, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are exploiting you.

zingally · 30/06/2022 16:41

Lesson learned and you don't offer again. If she asks again, your response is "sorry, I can't."

I think we all have to learn this lesson about piss-takers sometimes. I learnt it myself earlier this year when I got strong-armed into babysitting a friends dog for a night. I live in a flat, and I'm not really very used to dogs (never had one and didn't grow up with one), so my weekend was totally dominated by it.
Was told before hand, "we'll drop him off around lunchtime, and pick him up the following lunchtime!"
He was practically shoved through my front door at 9am, and not picked up until gone 3pm the next day. That's not "lunchtime to lunchtime"! I was annoyed, but also relieved that I now had a good excuse for not doing it a second time!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/06/2022 16:44

Her husband must be so useless that she has to lie to friends to cope. Is advice her to kick the useless lump out

Mally100 · 30/06/2022 16:44

Naunet · 30/06/2022 16:32

Why do these kinds of men even have kids FFS?

Why do women keep having children with these kinds of men?

femfemlicious · 30/06/2022 16:46

I would bring it up with her so she will know not to ask next time

5128gap · 30/06/2022 16:47

If she'd rather lie to you than ask him to do it, you don't really know what's going on in that house and relationship. You did a good thing for another woman OP. Be furious at him, but don't begrudge her what you did for her.

Whitewolf2 · 30/06/2022 16:48

Yes she shouldn’t have lied about him being out the house, but working from home doesn’t automatically mean he can do school pick up, I work from home and frequently have work meetings that mean I can’t do pick up - which is why my kids do after school club. Even if self employed he might still have calls/meetings etc.

Sally872 · 30/06/2022 16:48

If she asked you i would have been annoyed about the lie. As you offerred i would assume she was embarrassed H wouldn't help and venting about the hassle of school run with sick child and not intending to deceive you.

Delectable · 30/06/2022 16:49

Hopefully this is an opportunity to speak with her about what's going on in her marriage or make a comment to her husband's hearing about the benefit of father's being more involved in the home.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 16:49

Why did she ask you?

friends? Your daughters best friends?

i would t be surprised if perhaps she was desperate op. She knew her husband was for some unable (a meeting he absolutely could not miss) or unwilling (a twat)

Blowthemandown · 30/06/2022 16:49

mineymimey · 30/06/2022 15:53

I think it's the fact that she told me he was working away that day, when in fact he was working at home.

Yes. I'd have to say 'Child said Dad was WFH; I thought you said he's away?' If she then said 'yes he is wfh' I'd have to say 'I don't mind helping out when you are really stuck, but in this case I'd have expected him to do it one or both ways. It's not as if you're on my route to/from school' and see what she said.

Trivester · 30/06/2022 16:50

If she had said to you that she needed help because her dh wouldn’t do it, what would you have said?

Replacethis · 30/06/2022 16:51

Maybe he was supposed to be working away from home and then got the bug the younger child had so was working from home. It's not that outlandish. Normally at least one other prison in the house gets sick when one of ours is unwell.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 16:52

I have just seen you offered after she told you he was working away

Perhaps there had been a change of plan and now he was at home but still couldn’t go because of a meeting

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