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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run help when her husband could've done it

112 replies

mineymimey · 30/06/2022 15:48

I've been stewing on something since Monday, but I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable!

For context, we live 15 minutes walk away from the primary school my DD6 attends.

The friend / school mum that this relates to lives 15 minutes away, but in a different direction from my house. She has a useless husband when it comes to childcare and help.

Our 2 eldest DDs are in the same class.

On Monday, she told me her youngest DD was poorly but that was she having to take her on school run as her husband was working away for the day. So I offered to pick her eldest up and take her to school.

She lives 10 minutes in a different direction. So off we toddle on Monday, leaving the house 10 minutes early to pick up her DD.

We also pick her up after school and take her home, again 10 minutes in the wrong direction, in the rain. Only for her DD to say on the school walk back that her Dad was home, and was all day.

He was working, but I know his job is flexible and could have easily done school runs, or even have sat with the poorly child whilst mum did school run.

I feel annoyed that she told me her husband was working away. He is useless with childcare and won't step up unless specifically asked. So I have a feeling she just thought I was the easier option.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
YouSoundLovely · 30/06/2022 17:54

Blowthemandown · 30/06/2022 16:49

Yes. I'd have to say 'Child said Dad was WFH; I thought you said he's away?' If she then said 'yes he is wfh' I'd have to say 'I don't mind helping out when you are really stuck, but in this case I'd have expected him to do it one or both ways. It's not as if you're on my route to/from school' and see what she said.

Show quote history

This is exactly what I'd say.

I'd be very annoyed at having been lied to (if that is indeed what happened), and very annoyed that she'd expected me and my child to trail around in the rain so she could avoid facing up to his her husband's behaviour. I understand why some posters are saying they'd be supportive, but that kind of support is enabling/perpetuating this woman's situation in particular and entrenched sexism in general.

GoldenSongbird · 30/06/2022 17:56

I'm laughing at the posters saying the 6-yr-old could be wrong - that's so true. If anyone had asked my teen DS where his DF was this morning, he'd have said DH was working in his room. Actually, DH had been away since the early hours of this morning. DS didn't realise till after lunchtime. DCs often don't pay attention to their parents' whereabouts until they need something from them Grin

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 17:58

GoldenSongbird · 30/06/2022 17:56

I'm laughing at the posters saying the 6-yr-old could be wrong - that's so true. If anyone had asked my teen DS where his DF was this morning, he'd have said DH was working in his room. Actually, DH had been away since the early hours of this morning. DS didn't realise till after lunchtime. DCs often don't pay attention to their parents' whereabouts until they need something from them Grin

Children this age generally can’t see beyond the end of their own now and have no real concept of time and certainly not of the work routine of their father!

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 17:59

And the idea that op has been stewing on the basis of a 6 year olds comment on the walk home from school is both a bit sad and baffling!!

TheMushroom · 30/06/2022 18:01

Blowthemandown · 30/06/2022 16:49

Yes. I'd have to say 'Child said Dad was WFH; I thought you said he's away?' If she then said 'yes he is wfh' I'd have to say 'I don't mind helping out when you are really stuck, but in this case I'd have expected him to do it one or both ways. It's not as if you're on my route to/from school' and see what she said.

Show quote history

How is it any of your business how the dad chooses to organise his working day from home though?

I haven't seen any other evidence in the OP that the dad is consistently shit or useless. Like I already said, when my DH works from home, there's no way he can just pop out for the half hour it takes to walk to school and back.

Probably loads of parents at school are judging him for being a shit dad but the fact is his phone never stops ringing and he barely moves from his laptop from 8-6.

RadFad · 30/06/2022 18:06

Our DD goes to school with neighbours DDs and if one of them is ill the mum will regularly ask if we can take the other to school even though her DH can work from home and be flexible.
He has a very traditional idea of male/female roles and is quite rigid.
It doesn't bother me as we are going the same way and she will return favour if needed.

Simplelobsterhat · 30/06/2022 18:09

Its annoying if the dad really could have done it, but I don't see how you can know that for sure. His DD might have misunderstood what he was doing, not realise he was heading off on a work trip that morning etc.

Also wfh doesn't necessarily mean being flexible all the time. Even if you somehow know he is sometimes, I don't see how you could be sure he didn't have an important call or meeting scheduled for drop off time or need to be 'on duty' if calls came in. Admittedly with my kids I'd still be happy to have one in the house while dh did drop off in that situation, but it would depend on age and behaviour of kid!

However, given what you've said about him I can understand you being suspicious!

5128gap · 30/06/2022 18:11

KosherDill · 30/06/2022 17:05

Nothing will change until we all refuse to enable this.

People need to live with the consequences of the choices they've made. And maybe others observing them will make better choices.

Show quote history

What an illogical comment. Given she can't force her husband to step up, the only way the woman could 'sort out her marital and domestic affairs' is to leave. She will then be a single parent. In what way would that resolve the problem of her taking a sick child on the school run without help? Or perhaps you think she should have done that anyway, so any unattached women who saw would know if they didn't want their future sick children to struggle they should marry a man they could predict would never let them down? In your efforts to make other women look bad, you make yourself ridiculous.

Original poster
mineymimey · 30/06/2022 18:22

Wow a right mixed bag of comments!

In answer to some of the queries:

  1. she definitely said he was away for the day. She specifically mentioned a town a couple of hours drive away. This was said in a text at 1030pm Sunday night

  2. the child said that her dad was home for breakfast, which in her words 'doesn't happen very often'. She also said 'daddy didn't pick me up or take me because you and mummy had already planned it'

  3. both cars were on the drive when we arrived back after school run. They were also both there in the morning when I picked her up. I just didn't twig at the time. The place were the DH went is only accessible by car, and not train

  4. the husband has form for not stepping up. A hobby he is obsessed with and has put before his family many times (think the usual annoying hobby that pops up on Mumsnet frequently!) I know this because the mum has moaned about it many times

I have no problem helping out, I truly don't. But what I really didn't appreciate was the half truth.

But I really appreciate everyone's views. I will take on board a lot of the comments, but just be a bit wary in the future.

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 30/06/2022 18:30

In this scenario I would t get worked up about it as just because he was WFH doesn’t mean he didn’t have an important zoom meeting or something that meant he couldn’t be flexible.

Id be slightly annoyed she said he was working away but he could have been initially and then last minute they decided to do it over video chat instead.

I wouldn’t make it a regular thing though if he’s got form for not stepping up.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/06/2022 18:36

I wouldn't be too bothered about it if you both regularly reciprocate helping each other out. Cultivating a group of mums that can do this for each other can be invaluable when they are in primary.

But if it is always one way I wouldn't be helping out again.

Anothernamechangeplease · 30/06/2022 18:40

mineymimey · 30/06/2022 18:22

Wow a right mixed bag of comments!

In answer to some of the queries:

  1. she definitely said he was away for the day. She specifically mentioned a town a couple of hours drive away. This was said in a text at 1030pm Sunday night

  2. the child said that her dad was home for breakfast, which in her words 'doesn't happen very often'. She also said 'daddy didn't pick me up or take me because you and mummy had already planned it'

  3. both cars were on the drive when we arrived back after school run. They were also both there in the morning when I picked her up. I just didn't twig at the time. The place were the DH went is only accessible by car, and not train

  4. the husband has form for not stepping up. A hobby he is obsessed with and has put before his family many times (think the usual annoying hobby that pops up on Mumsnet frequently!) I know this because the mum has moaned about it many times

I have no problem helping out, I truly don't. But what I really didn't appreciate was the half truth.

But I really appreciate everyone's views. I will take on board a lot of the comments, but just be a bit wary in the future.

Might he have left after breakfast with a colleague?

Maybe she was lying, maybe she wasn't, but I wouldn't rely on a 6yo knowing exactly what her parents were doing on any given day!

stepuporshutup · 30/06/2022 18:41

SmileyPiuPiu · 30/06/2022 15:57

He's probably a jerk so she felt she had to lie rather than say oh he's sat at home refusing to assist

I was just about to say something similar
It does sound like he is a jerk and she might be to be too embarrassed to tell you

longtompot · 30/06/2022 18:45

IamnotSethRogan · 30/06/2022 15:58

It's not great but maybe she's just embarrassed, needed help and didn't want to go into what a cunt her husband is

This is what came to my mind when I read your post. There are a number of dads written about on here who are the same. I'd give the mum the benefit of the doubt and not think she was lying

Changes17 · 30/06/2022 18:46

Another time I'd ask if her husband could take, now that I knew he'd been around. I wouldn't worry any more about it this time. It is annoying though.

SueSaid · 30/06/2022 18:51

'She also said 'daddy didn't pick me up or take me because you and mummy had already planned it'
This doesn't sound like something a 6yr old would say, they're generally oblivious to school run arrangements.
Maybe he was meant to be at work and it changed last minute and he was then wfh. I'd just store it as a favour to return if you're ever stuck.

NoddyMcdoddy · 30/06/2022 18:51

goldengirlsoncraic · 30/06/2022 17:38

Kids also have the uncanny knack of telling the truth and exposing the lies.

Id say more than like the dm was lying rather than the child.

But i wouldnt help again,shes shown herself to be a liar. And possible cf.

Show quote history

But how would the girl have known her Dad was at home all day if she was at school all day ?

tiggergoesbounce · 30/06/2022 19:05

You are stewing after 3 days !!!

Something might have changed in her DHs schedule and he ended up at home last minute, but as you had offered she left the plans as is.

If you are stewing why not just talk to her.🙄🙄
But if you know her DH is useless, she may have been embarrased to admit he won't do it.

Just talk to her, but we have a group that help eachother out.

Mariposista · 30/06/2022 19:09

Ha! you will always get caught out by your child telling the truth! Lazy parents!

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 19:29

the child said that her dad was home for breakfast, which in her words 'doesn't happen very often'. She also said 'daddy didn't pick me up or take me because you and mummy had already planned it'

bull shit a 6 year old girl said this on her walk home from school with a friend. Buuuullll. Shiiiiit.

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 19:30

The place were the DH went is only accessible by car, and not train

wfh? Don’t be daft. You just get a train to nearest station and then bus if taxi

op - you are making crap up

stop stewing on it
and just… we’ll do anything but stew on it!

Original poster
mineymimey · 30/06/2022 19:32

Ohthatsexciting · 30/06/2022 19:29

the child said that her dad was home for breakfast, which in her words 'doesn't happen very often'. She also said 'daddy didn't pick me up or take me because you and mummy had already planned it'

bull shit a 6 year old girl said this on her walk home from school with a friend. Buuuullll. Shiiiiit.

Wow, rude much!

OP posts:
SniffletheDinosaur · 30/06/2022 19:39

Many CFs out there, I learned to stop offering/agreeing to ferry other peoples children about. Honestly, if you give an inch they’ll take a mile.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/06/2022 20:04

She also said 'daddy didn't pick me up or take me because you and mummy had already planned it'

That clearly suggests his work thing could have been cancelled last minute. Just don’t offer to help again though seen as you are so bothered.

ithoughtitmihtbenicetochat · 30/06/2022 20:14

I'll be honest here, because I've done exactly this.
Had a husband who didn't start work until after the school run or was wfh. But getting him to do the school run caused such issues and upset I just stopped.
And then when I was unwell I needed help. Of course he could have done it, but it would have made things hellish.

On her behalf, if this is the case, I'm sorry. I knew it was a dick move and I bet she does too. But I couldn't explain that he wouldn't do it, without sobbing and opening the 'my marriage is killing me' floodgates.