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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to pay half the mortgage after split?

91 replies

Inthefirepit · 29/06/2022 10:13

We’re splitting, he wants to stay on the mortgage (house isn’t selling so taken off market and agreed me and DC will stay in it) however, he only wants to pay child maintenance (bare minimum/legal requirement) because it states CM includes ‘costs of housing’. He thinks I’m being unreasonable for asking for half the mortgage payments while he’s still owning half and CM and that he will struggle to live on his wage (we will both struggle either way) when he moves out.

3 very young DC (1 of them a baby still on the breast, 1 a toddler and 1 just started school) I will be working around his hours just over minimum wage in social care to cover my costs.

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 29/06/2022 10:16

What does your solicitor say?

SmileyPiuPiu · 29/06/2022 10:17

I'd speak to a solicitor

Sparklybanana · 29/06/2022 10:20

Ignorimg the selfishness of this against his own children - If his name is on the mortage then he's jointly liable for default. Its in his own interests to continue to pay for it. If he wants out then he needs to buy you out.

SavoirFlair · 29/06/2022 10:23

Sparklybanana · 29/06/2022 10:20

Ignorimg the selfishness of this against his own children - If his name is on the mortage then he's jointly liable for default. Its in his own interests to continue to pay for it. If he wants out then he needs to buy you out.

This. little more needs saying

he’s trying to engineer a situation where he continues to enjoy the potential capital appreciation of the house, but have the whole cost of the mortgage paid out of CMS
You clearly think that’s wrong and that’s fine - I agree it sounds unfair - but the only person worth speaking to here is your solicitor to gauge what’s possible and correct for you here

bishbashboshhhhh · 29/06/2022 10:24

Can’t think why you’d want to leave such a wonderful man…… of course I’m joking

echo others get legal advice you’ll get 30mins free and make sure you get everything you’re entitled too!

SophieStew · 29/06/2022 10:24

Depends on overall finances. What does solicitor say?

Usually with a mesher order, DH would stay on mortgage and on sale at agreed future point, you divide equity at agreed rate. Mine was 70/30 in my favour as gave up rights to XH pension to offset this. XH paid CM but not half mortgage too. TBH he couldn't have afforded it as well as housing himself (rented initially, then bought after a few years)

Original poster
Inthefirepit · 29/06/2022 10:37

I will enquire with a 30 minute solicitor session, unfortunately I can’t afford any more from a solicitor though.

OP posts:
Meraas · 29/06/2022 10:38

No way should he get to stay on the mortgage if he's not paying half.

It's not your job to subsidise him.

Kangaruby · 29/06/2022 10:42

Can he afford to house himself if he pays cm plus half mortgage? It is best to get a clean break now and get him off the mortgage either by buying him out or selling. After separation people are often worse off for a while as 2 households are now needed

jeaux90 · 29/06/2022 10:44

Solicitor asap OP

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/06/2022 10:50

It sounds as though he’s remaining in the mortgage for your benefit, because you aren’t in a financial position to buy him out or take over the mortgage in your sole name. The default in this sort of situation is what he’s suggesting: you get the benefit of a) his being in the mortgage enabling you to remain in the property and b) sole occupancy of the property and thus essentially pay him “rent” for his half, in the form of paying the full mortgage.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/06/2022 10:51

If he can’t afford to move out and pay half the mortgage then the house has to be sold, and you remain living together until it does.

Poptart4 · 29/06/2022 10:53

It depends on his finances. Can he afford to house himself plus pay CM and half the mortgage? Courts will take this into account.

MaJoady · 29/06/2022 10:53

Sparklybanana · 29/06/2022 10:20

Ignorimg the selfishness of this against his own children - If his name is on the mortage then he's jointly liable for default. Its in his own interests to continue to pay for it. If he wants out then he needs to buy you out.

Surely if he wants to not pay the mortgage, OP needs to buy him out? Not the other way round?

DenholmElliot1 · 29/06/2022 10:54

Can he afford to rent his own place, pay CM and half the mortgage?

Poptart4 · 29/06/2022 10:56

Also keep in mind as his name is on the house he can live there for as long as he pleases. If he can't afford rent and half the mortgage, he may decide to move back in.

motogirl · 29/06/2022 10:58

You need to put it back on the market. Unfortunately he is one of those men who think they can walk away from responsibilities.

Yet again I'm left aghast at the actions of some men and so thankful my ex doesn't question his needs to support our now adult children (one has asd)

jossysgiant · 29/06/2022 10:58

I think you paying his half of the mortgage is rent for you having sole occupancy of the house which seems fair. Can you afford to buy him out?

Rumplestrumpet · 29/06/2022 10:59

Beg and borrow to et money for a solicitor. You have to find the money. I know that's easier said than done, but truth is he will screw you out of what you and your kids are entitled to otherwise. It will pay for itself in the long run when you get your fair share of the house and CM. Honestly it's the most important investment you can make right now.

I'd avoid telling him you're seeking legal advice for as long as possible

Good luck

Sirzy · 29/06/2022 11:02

You need proper legal advice and to get the house either sold or just in your name.

the longer things go on the more legally complicated it will get. In theory you could end up owing him occupational rent if he pays half the mortgage.

Simonjt · 29/06/2022 11:03

Few people can afford half a mortgage, rent on a property suitable for the children, and the associated bills with their main property.

So, you live together until sold and slightly lower the price.

You buy him out.

He pays 50% of the mortgage and you pay 50% of his rent.

He pays no mortgage, when you eventually sell the allocation of equity reflects that he stopped paying this year (mesher).

Lou98 · 29/06/2022 11:15

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/06/2022 10:50

It sounds as though he’s remaining in the mortgage for your benefit, because you aren’t in a financial position to buy him out or take over the mortgage in your sole name. The default in this sort of situation is what he’s suggesting: you get the benefit of a) his being in the mortgage enabling you to remain in the property and b) sole occupancy of the property and thus essentially pay him “rent” for his half, in the form of paying the full mortgage.

This! I don't personally think he should be paying half the mortgage if he's still then having to pay rent elsewhere. He may then decide not to leave the house if he can't afford both which legally he doesn't have to.

If you can't afford to buy him out or the mortgage on your own then you'll need to put it back on the market to sell

DomPerignon12 · 29/06/2022 11:19

It’s shit that he doesn’t want to pay more for his own children but I don’t see how he can afford half the mortgage AND rent for his own place.

You either have to sell the house, or he has to move back in. Unless you buy him off .

This is what the LTB happy people fail to consider …

Spani · 29/06/2022 11:20

Sparklybanana · 29/06/2022 10:20

Ignorimg the selfishness of this against his own children - If his name is on the mortage then he's jointly liable for default. Its in his own interests to continue to pay for it. If he wants out then he needs to buy you out.

By the same vein, he has the right to stay living in the property too... If OP wants him to move out and pay for accommodation elsewhere then she can't also expect him to continue paying 50% of the mortgage on this place. Some other arrangement needs to be come to. Whilst he's technically liable for the mortgage even if he doesn't live there, why on earth would he agree to continue paying it? If OP (and you) think it's fair that the ex pays 50% of the mortgage and 100% of the living costs on a new place then why doesn't OP do that herself? Maybe because that's clearly not a fair expectation?

TiddleyWink · 29/06/2022 11:30

Honestly OP I agree that if you can’t afford the payments and he can’t afford to pay mortgage and rent elsewhere, you have to sell up. If the house wasn’t selling in the current market then it’s very probably overpriced so you will need to sell for what it’s worth and then take stock of what your situation is after that.

It sounds like you’re being a bit unrealistic about what splitting means - you will both be significantly worse off in terms of finances and housing. That’s the fundamentals of having a single adult household. You also need to factor in the cost of a solicitor - the 30 minutes free is a bit of a MN cliche and I’m not sure how many actually provide it. Plus you will need significantly more than half an hour of legal support to get you what you’re entitled to and is fair in a divorce. They are expensive unfortunately.

Im not trying to be rude or blunt but I think you’ve got your head in the clouds if you think you can navigate a divorce without a solicitor if you’re already disagreeing on the basics like the house, and if you think you can stay in the family home with your husband paying half the costs despite not living there. That’s very rarely how a divorce works. Divorce is shit, expensive and leaves both parties significantly poorer. That’s the reality of it and why so many people stay in unhappy marriages.