To feel hurt at DH decision

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Trying to condense this as best I can. My dh and I have one child who has a genetic disease which causes severe learning and mobility disabilities but is not life limiting. We had always said we wanted two children and after diagnosis when it was discussed we agreed we didn't want to change our plans. We were tested and found I have a balanced translocation which caused the genetic condition. Two weeks ago we had an appointment with a genetic counsellor to discuss our options. I didn't want to risk a natural pregnancy so we discussed referral for ivf to screen. It wasn't straightforward but felt the right choice. Then that evening dh told me he doesn't want to have anymore children. I was shocked and wasn't sobbing tears started streaming almost instantly and he snapped at me to not cry. I asked why and he said it was a big decision and he couldn't be expected to make it quickly. I said I thought we'd already made it - we'd kept all the baby and toddler stuff and we'd spoken about options and said we both thought ivf before the appointment. He said it had never been discussed and how could I not think it was a big decision. I do but I thought we were on the same page. The whole thing felt very harsh. Thinking back when I got emotional at the appointment he didn't put his arm round me or anything so I suppose I hadn't picked up on how he was feeling.
I feel really hurt and like my life has been spun 360 all of a sudden. I'm in my mid 30s so there's obviously a time imperative with these things and the hospital also has to make an application to do the genetic screening which can take several months. I don't feel I can or should be trying to convince him. It's hard to explain but I love my child more than anything and if it happened that we never had another that would have been fine but something about this is hurting me so much. I also have 2 friends whose partners pushed back on having kids for years then left and had new partners and babies in a relatively short space of time and I can't help wondering if that might happen here. My head is a bit of a mess.

YANBU but I can understand your dh's reluctance and I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision for him.
It's a tough time for both of you.

Unfortunately the one who doesn't want a baby gets the final say but i can see why you feel blindsided. I can also understand why having a DC with disabilities would make.someone question having another but it was pretty shifty of him to let.it get this far before saying something

I also can see both sides op, and in this it is top trumps sadly the person who doesn’t want a child wins.

having a severely disabled child will be stressful and all consuming, which is the flip side to the love, and he is being practical

how old is your child, I understand post toddler, but my friends child is severely disabled, both learning and mobility and the older and bigger he got, the harder it was, both physically and mentally to cope, so I can see your husbands perspective that it’s a very big decision.

He’s a coward and a shit to let it get this far without speaking up.

This sounds hard but it sounds like your dh is struggling too.

if he doesn’t want any more dc that’s fair enough. If you honestly think back and he was totally involved and engaged in conversations it’s. Bit unfair he’s suddenly changed his mind but that’s his choice

I'm guessing something said at the IVF meeting has changed his mind or made him go from 50/50 to a no. At least he has spoken up now and not waited or gone through with it to try and please you.

IVF is stressful, expensive, and has a tiny likelihood of being successful percentage wise. I can see why, having had the time to give it proper consideration, he’s realised that on top of the stress and work of a disabled child he doesn’t want to add more. Yes, it’s upsetting, and you need to give yourself time and perhaps therapy to come to terms with not having another child.

Agree with this

Perhaps he's realised following the meeting what IVF entails. I've done multiple rounds of IVF and PGT testing (not for a genetic issue) and the pressure was immense. We also had an inset child and it did effect her no matter how much we tried to hide it

Yanbu to feel blindsided and upset. He ought to have said something earlier.
If he is absolutely adamant about this, then make sure he is the one who gets sterilised and not you. If he wants to change what was agreed then that is his prerogative because ultimately you can't bring a child into the world if one parent isn't willing. But, he should take responsibility for contraception - it isn't fair to deny you and make you take responsibility for preventing pregnancy.

Call me cynical but his attitude to vasectomy might tell you something about whether he has in the back of his mind to keep his options open with someone else. You say he hasn't been particularly emotionally supportive - do you think as a couple you might benefit from relationship counselling before anything permanent is agreed? Do you think there is maybe an unconscious element of blaming you because the genetic issue was on your side, rather than his? I don't mean that he would do that on purpose but feelings aren't always reasonable

Maybe he's realised the implications on the child you have now.

Would you be able to cope with another disabled child.
Is the donkey work left to you or do you share equally.

He shouldn't have let it get this far but maybe he heard something at the meeting that concerned him.

Rather than being upset with him,have an honest chat about his fears.
If that doesn't work at least he spoke up before it went any further and didn't just go along with it.

He's not handled the situation well by not supporting you emotionally and not be clear about his wishes. But setting that aside, if he doesn't want a second child, then that's that.

You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not for your relationship and end things if it is.

PPs point is right - make sure he gets a vasectomy. That will make his position clear.

I don’t think this is fair at all nor is it helpful. This isn’t a straight forward set of circumstances, and I can easily see how this can happen.

It seems the decision to have two was made well before their son was diagnosed, maybe even born, and never discussed since, just an assumption thr status quo remained, but the decision is huge and needs serious consideration as circumstances have now changed.

Thanks everyone. I know ultimately it is his decision but it feels very sudden. He's now saying we never discussed it before which is not true at all and has been very cold towards me. I know I need to come to terms with things and grow up a bit. Sounds silly but I think I'm grieving a bit for the baby that I thought we might have so I probably am more tearful than I should be.

I think there is a big difference between having conversations about a theoretical second child, and the reality of having a second child, especially given your circumstances. You obviously both need time to calmly talk this through. But I don't think speculating about things will help you. You aren't your friends, and your situation is what is relevant. You could push him into something he doesn't want and that could just as easily break up the relationship, possibly leaving you alone to care for two children. You can only focus on what is here and now, and not the thoughts running around your head.

Underlying his behaviour is his feelings, of anger and probably disappointment. Maybe resentment that because the genetic fault lies with you, he is being denied a second child, or even a child that is uncomplicated, without disabilities.

I'm using these terms, not to hurt, but to illustrate that hurt, anger, resentment are perhaps felt, and his response is to hurt you. He's denying you ever spoke about a second child. The clue is there. He is subconsciously denying himself another child, maybe through fear, possibly because he wants to punish you, and in the process sabotage his own wishes. 'cut your nose off' stuff.

Do you think counselling would help?

Someone is well within their right to change their mind when they see how gruelling the IVF process is (I've done it)

Yes he hasn't dealt with it in the best way but to call him a coward is so incredibly unfair. Would it be best if he put up and shut up, bought a child into the world and did a runner because he didn't want it? No..

Honesty is best.

Every person on this planet is entitled to change their minds on anything, especially something as life changing as having children.

What a sad situation. Both of your positions are understandably tough. You both have my sympathy.

Well, yes he's perfectly within his rights to decide he doesn't want another child, but you are definitely not being unreasonable here - I'm just going to echo what you said back to you:

You guys had discussed it before having children, discussed it AGAIN after DC was diagnosed and agreed plans aren't changed, put clothes aside, made an appointment with a genetic counsellor to discuss your options for pregnancy, and within that appointment discussed being referred for IVF.

Throughout all this, your DH hasn't indicated once that he might not be on board with having a second child - he waited until after you had discussed the IVF referral to voice those feelings. So OF COURSE you are blindsided, and OF COURSE you are upset. He has no right to tell you not to cry. I notice he also said it had never been discussed - but you felt it had been discussed? And I mean, it had been discussed to the point that you both ended up in a genetic counselling appointment looking at pregnancy options, so...!!

I also notice he said it was a big decision and he couldn't be expected to make it quickly. Does that then mean that he might still want a second child, but just needs to take some time to think it through? Did he indicate what was putting him off or worrying him about the idea of having two?

It sounds to me like the two of you need to try to sit down and talk through your feelings about this so that you can better understand one another's viewpoints. Maybe agree to each other that to begin with you can each have your say, without interruption, and that the other person needs to just listen.

Best of luck x

Agree with all of this

i would say he has an on obligation to keep talking. He may not change his mind but I don’t see why he can just stop the debate either, certainly not at this stage when it’s all very new. It sounds very hard

It's his sudden coldness towards you on the back of your diagnosis that bothers me. Is he one of those people who always thinks everything has to be somebody's 'fault'?

it's hard for you, OP, but as others said, it's a two yesses situation. And also it could be that what you think of as discussing it, and what he thinks of as discussing it are two different things. It could be that the IVF meeting was his final straw.

He seems cold, but maybe he feels that your tears are a kind of blackmail? No idea but i feel very badly for you wanting this so much and realising it's not going to happen.

I do think it's fair enough for him not to want more kids though in your circumstances. It sounds like the needs of your current child will be enormous and lifelong (maybe even longer than your life). Is it fair to knowingly have another child upon whom a lot of this burden will necessarily fall as you and your husband get older? Is it fair to your current child to deliberately split your attention when their needs will be so great?

Although he is entitled to change his mind, your DH is being very unreasonable in the way he is communicating (,or not communicating) with you op. If it is such a big decision then surely he needs to respect that by discussing it reasonably and at length with you. This should be a joint decision, and it is really immature and unkind of him to dismiss your opinions and feelings about this out of hand. He should at least be prepared to treat this issue with seriousness and sympathy, not shut down and tell you off for crying .

However it is clear from what you have written that you will probably get further with him by suppressing your emotions over this and presenting a logical and rational argument as to why a second child is a good idea, or why taking that leap of faith is something you strongly want to do. Do you know any families who have DC with the same condition op? Did any of them go on to have more DC? If so, it might be worth introducing them to your DH.

Finally, I sense from what you have written that you have an underlying worry that there is a more fundamental problem with your marriage and you are worried that the reason your DH does not want to commit to a second child is BC he is no longer fully invested in your relationship. If that is the case, then you need to discuss this openly with him (better to know what you are facing and find out how he feels) and maybe counselling could be helpful?

I agree with this & disagree with many of the other posters.

Of course, no-one can be forced to have a child. But in this situation there was an understanding that they would have 2 DC.

The situation is very hard from several perspectives.

I can absolutely understand OP's shock & distress. It is unacceptable for her DH to state they aren't having a other child.

He needs to talk & listen & the decision should be mutual insofar as possible.