To feel hurt at DH decision

[Ciaocatnip]

Trying to condense this as best I can. My dh and I have one child who has a genetic disease which causes severe learning and mobility disabilities but is not life limiting. We had always said we wanted two children and after diagnosis when it was discussed we agreed we didn't want to change our plans. We were tested and found I have a balanced translocation which caused the genetic condition. Two weeks ago we had an appointment with a genetic counsellor to discuss our options. I didn't want to risk a natural pregnancy so we discussed referral for ivf to screen. It wasn't straightforward but felt the right choice. Then that evening dh told me he doesn't want to have anymore children. I was shocked and wasn't sobbing tears started streaming almost instantly and he snapped at me to not cry. I asked why and he said it was a big decision and he couldn't be expected to make it quickly. I said I thought we'd already made it - we'd kept all the baby and toddler stuff and we'd spoken about options and said we both thought ivf before the appointment. He said it had never been discussed and how could I not think it was a big decision. I do but I thought we were on the same page. The whole thing felt very harsh. Thinking back when I got emotional at the appointment he didn't put his arm round me or anything so I suppose I hadn't picked up on how he was feeling.
I feel really hurt and like my life has been spun 360 all of a sudden. I'm in my mid 30s so there's obviously a time imperative with these things and the hospital also has to make an application to do the genetic screening which can take several months. I don't feel I can or should be trying to convince him. It's hard to explain but I love my child more than anything and if it happened that we never had another that would have been fine but something about this is hurting me so much. I also have 2 friends whose partners pushed back on having kids for years then left and had new partners and babies in a relatively short space of time and I can't help wondering if that might happen here. My head is a bit of a mess.

I really do feel for you @Ciaocatnip.

We’ve gone through a similar struggle in our family. DC was born with a small physical disability and when it was investigated, it turned out they have a chromosomal abnormality inherited from me. It’s so rare that no one can tell us what, if any, future effects it will have. DH in particular was keen to have a second child and I vacillated back and forth - it was so stressful and upsetting when DC was tiny, knowing there was something wrong but not what, exactly, and all the tests and appointments. My health, both physical and mental, massively suffered during my pregnancy and afterwards. We saved all DC’s clothes and talked seriously about having another but I was never sure whether I could face all that again. We did try in a desultory fashion to conceive again and when it didn’t happen, we were referred for further investigation and possible IVF with PGT, but it turned out I was in very premature menopause and for all practical purposes, no longer fertile. It was very upsetting for us both but at the same time, a little part of me was relieved. We then considered egg donation, but eventually I decided against it for both ethical reasons and practical reasons - I wasn’t sure I could put myself through pregnancy again for someone else’s child. But even 7 years later, part of me yearns for the family we’d planned before having DC - two lovely healthy children.

Anyway, I’m merailing with a massive tl:dr. My point is, your DH may very well feel, like I did, that he wanted another child and so went along with discussions about bigger houses and saving clothes, wistfully wanting the future he’d envisioned but part of him not committed to the idea because of the reality of your existing child’s condition. And then when it came to the crunch, he’s realised he can’t go through with it. He’s not necessarily gaslighting you - he might just be feeling that he’s drifted along with the plans without ever consciously deciding to do it. Saying no now doesn’t mean he wants to have child with someone else, or that he is lying now or was lying then. It’s more likely his feelings have coalesced once the pint of no return approached.

His lying about it being ‘sprung’ on him and ‘not discussed’ is very troubling.

It's just me. I have a balanced translocation - basically the right number of genes but some in the wrong place. It doesn't affect my health but when I come to pass on my chromosones there's a risk I might pass on one with the the wrong info in it so the child would have too many or too few genes. I honestly don't know whether he's just changed his mind but rather than say that has pretended it's been sprung on him - or something else idk. We will talk about it and I'll try and work it out but not for a couple of days at least as it won't be productive atm.

Thank you for sharing this. It makes a lot of sense. It's a really strange position to be in and one where you're head and heart are in constant battle. I think I would feel the same about egg donation. My brain was feeling ivf and if that failed so be it. Which makes me question how adamant I am. Whether it's just clinging on to what I had hoped for. I hope you are OK now. It's a lot to go through xx

@Ciaocatnip thanks. As you know, it’s incredibly upsetting to find you yourself have something genetic wrong that you never suspected and then see it affecting your child and feel it’s your ‘fault’, even if logically you couldn’t have known or prevented it. You’re right about it being a conflict between heart and head, for both you and your DH. He might not consciously blame you but might feel unhappy and under pressure and this could be coming out in his ungentle and unsupportive response to your upset. I’d definitely consider therapy for both of you, together and apart - but try not to worry too much that his attitude means anything other than guilt and stress and is an understandable (if unedifying) manifestation of this.

Thank you. I appreciate this it makes sense and makes me feel a bit better x

A difficult situation but ultimately it is his prerogative to refuse to have a second child and if is a deal breaker for you your choice to end relationship. It comes down to do you want another child more than you want DH? You can only have one and DH is making you choose.

Wow how selfish would that be.

They can have a discussion (I.e., OP can try and talk him round and persuade him) and if he agrees then he is giving in.

In OP's case, the issues are more deep-rooted & her H is emotionally disconnected.

But as a general rule I see no reason to believe that it's giving in. To me, it's part of how a successful relationship should work - talking, listening, then agreeing. Sometimes it means changing your mind. It's not giving in

(But I'm not in a relationship & certainly didn't have this with my ex, so what do I know! It is what I've observed with other couples tho)

Feel free to PM me - has anyone signposted you to SWAN yet? It’s a support group for parents of children with rare chromosomal abnormalities/anomalies, they’re on Facebook. It’s very kind and supportive.

That's your view which is fine. I assume you were completely clear on that with your partner & discussed it prior to having DC in the first instance?

A different scenario completely from a couple who had in principle agreed 2 DC, and one changed their mind.

But you can change your mind about having more children at any point prior to conception! Even if you wanted more than one to start with, it’s absolutely fine to decide you don’t want another, for any reason. The consequence of that might be losing your partner - but it’s never unreasonable for either party to decide they don’t want another child after all, for whatever reason.

@Ciaocatnip

I just caught up on your updates. I'm glad you've had a chance to discuss this a bit more with DH.

That sounds more positive.

It's really hard for you both. I will say that two close friends of mine were in similar situations, with a disabled first child. For each of them, having more DC was imperative, and each had 4 in the end. In one case the condition was not inherently genetic & in the other, it was.

I know for some people it seemed a surprising decision, especially to have several more. Both were adamant that there wouldn't be one sibling 'responsible' for the child (future adult) with a disability.

I wish you strength & luck as you try to plan what to do next 💐

Yes, of course you can. Not everything has to be debated to buggery, you are allowed to have an opinion that doesn't jibe with someone else's without giving them umpteen opportunities to change your mind 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not everything has to be debated to buggery

Obviously not.

However, it's hardly unreasonable to expect that in a relationship both partners would communicate their preferences & listen to the

• other's view

Well, yes. It would be kinder, for sure. I don't think there's any real harm in making it clear that your mind is made up and any discussions aren't being had with a view to your decision being reversed, though.
Maybe that's kind too, in the long run.

@EarringsandLipstick

i don’t think it is all that different

you can’t possibly commit to having more than one kid until you have one because before then you don’t know what it’s like. So how on earth can you deffo say you want two?

her husband has had one and learnt that he doesn’t want another. Which is his prerogative