To feel hurt at DH decision

[Ciaocatnip]

Trying to condense this as best I can. My dh and I have one child who has a genetic disease which causes severe learning and mobility disabilities but is not life limiting. We had always said we wanted two children and after diagnosis when it was discussed we agreed we didn't want to change our plans. We were tested and found I have a balanced translocation which caused the genetic condition. Two weeks ago we had an appointment with a genetic counsellor to discuss our options. I didn't want to risk a natural pregnancy so we discussed referral for ivf to screen. It wasn't straightforward but felt the right choice. Then that evening dh told me he doesn't want to have anymore children. I was shocked and wasn't sobbing tears started streaming almost instantly and he snapped at me to not cry. I asked why and he said it was a big decision and he couldn't be expected to make it quickly. I said I thought we'd already made it - we'd kept all the baby and toddler stuff and we'd spoken about options and said we both thought ivf before the appointment. He said it had never been discussed and how could I not think it was a big decision. I do but I thought we were on the same page. The whole thing felt very harsh. Thinking back when I got emotional at the appointment he didn't put his arm round me or anything so I suppose I hadn't picked up on how he was feeling.
I feel really hurt and like my life has been spun 360 all of a sudden. I'm in my mid 30s so there's obviously a time imperative with these things and the hospital also has to make an application to do the genetic screening which can take several months. I don't feel I can or should be trying to convince him. It's hard to explain but I love my child more than anything and if it happened that we never had another that would have been fine but something about this is hurting me so much. I also have 2 friends whose partners pushed back on having kids for years then left and had new partners and babies in a relatively short space of time and I can't help wondering if that might happen here. My head is a bit of a mess.

This is heartbreaking for you and I really understand where you are coming from. Your dh seems to have his own unfair but valid reasons. However his reaction isn't caring or sensitive to the situation. I also think something happened after the session you had. Would you both consider a counsellor to discuss this with? To communicate this final decision and what are the alternatives, what changed and what does this mean for your future.

To answer some questions dc is 3 and will need lifelong care. We are in a support group with other families and there is a lot of variation in how people with the condition develop so a lot of unknowns. Most families have more than 1 child but I'd say the majority the youngest child is the one who is disabled so it's a little different. We've definitely discussed it and I thought fairly in depth about pros and cons and effects on dc and potential future sc. We'd discussed ivf before the appointment. It is a difficult decision to have another child when one is already disabled. I'm still feeling very sad and am trying to keep this to myself. Thank you all for your input x

Do you think your husband might be worried about a younger child not getting enough attention due to the needs of the older one. Or being put in a position as an adult of having to take on caring responsibility?
You really need to get to the bottom of what specifically he is worrying about.
At the moment there is a big disconnect between you - he is denying conversations that you definitely remember having and he seems quite cold towards you. So now isn't the right time. I think you need some professional intervention, ideally from a relationship counselling service that has experience with families facing your particular circumstances.

I think you both need separate counselling then couples counselling. There is lots to work through emotionally. Sounds like dh thinks the IVF is too much on top of everything else.

I think your husbands done the right thing. It’s hard bringing up a disabled child. Plus if you have another child that doesn’t have disabilities it’s equally hard on that child growing up. I know because I’ve been there. They don’t get as much focus or energy on them . It’s all on the sick child and not fair on them at All.

CharlotteRose90 · Today 15:14
I think your husbands done the right thing. It’s hard bringing up a disabled child. Plus if you have another child that doesn’t have disabilities it’s equally hard on that child growing up. I know because I’ve been there. They don’t get as much focus or energy on them . It’s all on the sick child and not fair on them at all.

Totally agree with this. Have a friend who was the 2nd child, she couldn’t wait to leave home (and subsequently ended up marrying a right twat very young) and now her parents are aging, she is being pressured to take on caring duties for her very disabled sibling.

Appreciate not everyone knows their 1st child has severe disabilities before conceiving a 2nd, however, to do it knowingly is in my opinion, is unfair.

I can understand why you’re upset. Maybe when you talked about another child it was more abstract and then your DH is at the appointment it hits home. I have two children with disabilities. I was pregnant with our third when we became aware our middle child had a disability. The youngest has the same disability (autism) but it’s much more severe and comes with a learning disability as well. I go through stages of grief and anger and sadness. I imagine your husband might feel the same. Our life is very difficult and we decided against any more children as we’re aware our older son has a lot on his shoulders with two disabled siblings.

That sounds so hard.

I just don't agree with the accepted mn wisdom that the one who doesn't want children "trumps" the other.

Life is not a card game where you bang down your trump card and the other person shuts up. You are already tied together by the child you have, neither can just walk away, so I just don't agree that he can change his mind on dc2 without obligation.

It is unacceptable for her DH to state they aren't having a other child.

Sorry, as upsetting as this situation is, he's well within his rights to say it. He may change his mind certainly, but anyone in a relationship is entitled to say they don't want any/any more children and that's fine. As per PP though, he should be looking at the snip.

Sorry but that makes no sense and in this case there obviously is a trump card which can be played by either sex. What if a couple decided to have 2 and then one decided they want 4/5/6?

Also, why have a chid with someone who doesn't want it?

Really? You think somebody should be forced to have a baby? Because that's the only way around one person not wanting to have children without them "trumping" the other.

I think it is a hard situation and it seems like your DH is blaming you.

Also, would you be able to care for your second child properly? And what if they had another disability?

One of my friend's youngest is severely autistic. He needs 24/7 care. Sleeps very little. They are an amazing and loving family but it is very tough.

I feel for you both but ultimately he might just find the prospect of IVF, and all that entails and another child too much.

anyone in a relationship is entitled to say they don't want any/any more children and that's fine

I completely disagree with this.

As always, though, context matters. Ideally, the conversation about having DC takes place before getting married / being long-term committed. If one person definitely doesn't want kids, that's a clear decision for the other to make.

Of course, no one can really predict that they won't change their mind, want fewer or more DC than they might have first said. That can happen.

What I disagree with is the notion someone can baldly state it, and that's it - no discussion, no consideration of how the other person (that you love!) feels. One party cannot pressurise another to have a child of course, but stating 'no' with no openness to hearing your partner's perspective is not reasonable nor how relationships should work.

I know plenty of couples who have had to discuss having a 3rd or 4th baby. One wants it, other less sure. I know cases where couples have gone ahead, even with one more keen than the other, and where they haven't, with one more disappointed than the other

In OP's case, it's even more difficult, given the disabilities their DC has, and all the ramifications of caring for them & having another DC. It's hard for both, but even more reason for a proper discussion, done respectfully.

I would be exploring other options to have a 2nd child that didn't involve my DH.

Really? You think somebody should be forced to have a baby? Because that's the only way around one person not wanting to have children without them "trumping" the other.

Not forced.

But both people openly listening, discussing & hearing what the other thinks.

And yes, that might lead to a compromise, but obviously one both are happy with. It's what's happened in many families I know of.

@MotherOfCrocodiles

you are wrong

of course he can

just as Op could change her mind if it was her not wanting a second child

@EarringsandLipstick

thing is though when it comes to having a baby you can’t really compromise can you?

You either have a baby or you don’t

theres no halfway, meet me in the middle option

@notquiteruralbliss

would you really ?

you’d really fuck over your husband and existing child for some hypothetical baby which may never come into fruition

@Ciaocatnip Op life must be really hard for you. Use what time you do get left over from work, caring for your child etc and invest it in yourself - going for a walk or a night out or the gym or getting your nails done or whatever. If you have a second child you won’t have time for any of that for a long while. You deserve some time for yourself!

Utter nonsense. Sorry, if someone doesn't want to have a baby of course they don't have to have one. Taking the emotiveness of this specific thread out of it, there's no middle ground or compromise. If someone doesn't want one that's an unfortunate circumstance but there's no forcing someone into something this big.

@LuckySantangelo35

I think you can. Certainly, couples I know have.

As I said, sometimes it's been the case that one wanted another child, the other didn't. They talk about it, listen to each other & make a decision one way or the other.

The compromise is that one person may be agreeing to a course of action that they weren't initially keen on, but following a respectful discussion, are happy.

(I'm aware the OP's situation is more complex than this but just answering your point on compromise)

Finally, I sense from what you have written that you have an underlying worry that there is a more fundamental problem with your marriage and you are worried that the reason your DH does not want to commit to a second child is BC he is no longer fully invested in your relationship. If that is the case, then you need to discuss this openly with him (better to know what you are facing and find out how he feels) and maybe counselling could be helpful?

I think this poster is spot on in what she says and if I was the Op I’d be really scared right now. What an awful situation to be in.

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

It's not 'utter nonsense' nor is it 'forcing' someone.

Please read my posts properly.

It's about a respectful discussion leading to an agreed course of action. This might not be the starting point for one person but they may agree.

Most couples I know have had some version of this discussion.

There's no need to rubbish someone's opinion, without even reading my post properly, because you disagree.

@EarringsandLipstick

it’s not a compromise though is it

it’s one partner giving in to what the other wants in order to keep the peace and maintain the relationship

in this instance that ‘compromise’ would be OP’s husband agreeing to have a kid he doesn’t want in order to keep his partner happy

it’s completely unfair on either a male or female partner

I agree with this too, sadly.