To feel hurt at DH decision

[Ciaocatnip]

Trying to condense this as best I can. My dh and I have one child who has a genetic disease which causes severe learning and mobility disabilities but is not life limiting. We had always said we wanted two children and after diagnosis when it was discussed we agreed we didn't want to change our plans. We were tested and found I have a balanced translocation which caused the genetic condition. Two weeks ago we had an appointment with a genetic counsellor to discuss our options. I didn't want to risk a natural pregnancy so we discussed referral for ivf to screen. It wasn't straightforward but felt the right choice. Then that evening dh told me he doesn't want to have anymore children. I was shocked and wasn't sobbing tears started streaming almost instantly and he snapped at me to not cry. I asked why and he said it was a big decision and he couldn't be expected to make it quickly. I said I thought we'd already made it - we'd kept all the baby and toddler stuff and we'd spoken about options and said we both thought ivf before the appointment. He said it had never been discussed and how could I not think it was a big decision. I do but I thought we were on the same page. The whole thing felt very harsh. Thinking back when I got emotional at the appointment he didn't put his arm round me or anything so I suppose I hadn't picked up on how he was feeling.
I feel really hurt and like my life has been spun 360 all of a sudden. I'm in my mid 30s so there's obviously a time imperative with these things and the hospital also has to make an application to do the genetic screening which can take several months. I don't feel I can or should be trying to convince him. It's hard to explain but I love my child more than anything and if it happened that we never had another that would have been fine but something about this is hurting me so much. I also have 2 friends whose partners pushed back on having kids for years then left and had new partners and babies in a relatively short space of time and I can't help wondering if that might happen here. My head is a bit of a mess.

Of course he isn't, don't talk nonsense.

it’s one partner giving in to what the other wants in order to keep the peace and maintain the relationship

I don't think so tho obviously it entirely depends on the quality of the relationship.

It has to ultimately be what both people are happy with, after discussion.

It's not 'giving in'.

As I say, I know many couples who have had exactly this discussion. Sometimes they will go ahead & try for another, sometimes not. To me, it's about respect for one another.

He doesn't want one. They could debate it and exchange views, but if he doesn't change his mind....?

Or he might have just changed his mind, which he is absolutely entitled to do.

He doesn't want one. They could debate it and exchange views, but if he doesn't change his mind....?

No I agree with this. If there is no way that discussion leads to a shared decision, then it's hard, and I agree, it's not possible to have another child.

In this case, it's more complicated due to the DH's change in approach, lack of communication & that their first child is disabled.

I was speaking generally but yes, you're right if there is no shared agreement after discussion.

Or he might have just changed his mind, which he is absolutely entitled to do.

Sure.

But he's not entitled to announce it to her coldly, after having the appointment / counselling & with no discussion or appreciation of her feelings.

It’s of course within his right to change his mind but what many PP seem to be missing is the issue that he says they’ve never discussed it up to now.

how does he think they got to the stage of having IVF appointments without any discussion?
he’s rewriting history to suit and ease his feelings of guilt about changing his mind and rather than face the upset that doing so will bring, he has gone on the defensive and wants to position himself as being rushed into a decision.

OP ask him why he’s claiming no discussion and what has happened to change his mind? And yes to telling him
hell be the one to get the snip.

Bloody men.
Am I imagining it, or is there an unhappily Darwinian pattern where a couple have a disabled child and then the man sidles out of the relationship to go spread his seed elsewhere and raise the younger kids he then fathers?

I get it OP, it's about the communication/ lack of, not so much the decision itself.

Your H is trying to blame you for pushing him into something he never once told you he didn't want.

You are not a mind reader and it is dishonest and cowardly of him to accuse you of doing something he never agreed to.

Call him out on his completely unreasonable expectation that you should have read his mind. He needs to grow up and use his words - directly, honestly, and with kindness.

I used to be clinical lead for special
needs anaesthesia in my hospital, and it was depressing how many men walked out on their wives when the hard reality of raising a disabled child sank in.
OP, I am more concerned by his cold attitude, than his decision on a second child. I suspect he is withdrawing from you and the marriage, and wants out. A second child would be an added tie and complication in terms of maintenance and contact.

I hope I am wrong in your particular case, but I have seen this so often - the man starting another family elsewhere while the mother struggles as single parent to a challenging special needs child. You need a serious and honest discussion with your DH about what is really going on here.

@EarringsandLipstick

but it is giving in!

ops husband has clearly stated that he doesn’t want a second child

They can have a discussion (I.e., OP can try and talk him round and persuade him) and if he agrees then he is giving in. Of course he is. He won’t be happy about because he has already stated that he doesn’t want another child, really what can a discussion do? What can op say in that discussion to make him change his kid besides ‘I’m leaving you if you don’t get me pregnant’?

If the boot was on the foot it and it was a man pressuring a woman would be describe described as coercive and rightly so

I only want one child myself. Me and my husband can discuss it and discuss it until we are blue in the face but it won’t change anything because I know my own mind as does OP’s husband

and as others have said you can’t compromise on this - you either have a baby or you don’t. One will ‘win’

As awful as it sounds I wouldn't be surprised if he maybe considering his options to have a healthy child with someone else at some point .

I absolutely wouldn't risk having a second disabled child so can understand his reticence.

Thanks for all the replies. I think I've got my head on a little straighter now. He has apologised to me for being insensitive and said he wants to talk about it. We've agreed to give it a bit of breathing space I think it's a bit too raw still atm and will lead to me getting teary and him stonewalling.

My personal opinion is that one partner can vetoe having a child but it should be discussed properly. There was some massive rewriting of history and gaslighting going on with dh pretending this was all out of the blue which has hurt me a lot.

This part is a me issue - I've seen friends give up on the dream of a much wanted child for their partners who have then walked out and within a short space of time had a baby with a new partner. One within a year of their separation! That's nothing against my dh but I think it's planted a "men can be shits" seed in my brain and when he started to lie about the conversations we'd had that seed started to root.

With regards having a 2nd when the 1st is disabled. I think it's a very personal decision down the disability/support network/future health concerns etc. It's certainly not an easy decision to make. I cared for my Mum so I recognise I have a skewed view on caring. Really it's just been a continuation for me as she passed a month before dc was born. It's hard to predict future care support (or what support will even be available with how things are in the UK!). Some adults with dc condition are at home with full time family care some live in supported accommodation. It's really impossible to judge how that will play out which ofc makes future planning hard as well.

I have got a therapist that I have been seeing on and off for a few years so I've scheduled an appointment to have a debrief!

Sorry this is long and thanks again!

Just to clarify - our options were conceive naturally (with high chance of pregnancy loss) and either screen at around 12 weeks or at birth, Ivf with pre implementation genetic testing or no more children.

We both agree that we wouldn't want to risk either miscarriage or passing on a genetic condition so the first wouldn't be an option. So it was between no more children or attempting ivf with screening.

I've seen friends give up on the dream of a much wanted child for their partners who have then walked out and within a short space of time had a baby with a new partner. One within a year of their separation!
The thing is; you can't stop someone doing that. None of those people could have forced their partners to choose them to have a baby with.
We only have free will wrt our own behaviour, not anyone else's.

No ofc not but it sparked a worry in me.

Am on your DH's side and I would do the same.

He sounds very worried about it all-how does he cope with your dc atm

maybe he thinks its unfair to have another child when they'll have to miss out on alot because of their sibling-and would they automatically have to care for them after you pass

i wouldnt have another child in these circumstances

He's really good with dc. It could be that and I'd understand that. It was the sudden U turn and then making me feel unreasonable for being upset that I didn't understand.

I can understand from your husband's point of view. He's scared of having another disabled child. My parents had two disabled children. Although they're adults now, they both have learning difficulties and cannot use speech. Life has been very hard for them. The teenage years were the worst. If there's a chance of a genetic disability being passed on, I wouldn't have any more either.

That's why we were having the appointment to be referred for ivf with pre implementation screening. We didn't want to take the risk. But when we got back he told me he didn't want anymore children which was obviously a shock at that stage. Not that he'd changed his mind etc. Just that he didn't want anymore and implied it had all been sprung on him and I was unreasonable for being upset. So I'd understand if the reasons above were given but they weren't.

Are you sure that he was onboard before or could you have been hearing what you wanted to hear because he was beating about the bush a bit?

I'm doubting myself now but we'd looked at bigger houses, spoke about names, kept all the baby items, told family we were going for the meeting about ivf. I guess to change so quickly his heart wasn't in it but I didn't realise at the time :(

But if he is claiming it was never discussed, what on earth did he think you were having an ivf meeting for?!

While I understand his reluctance, I do not see how he can believe this was sprung on him when he willingly attended the meeting.

Is the genetic component just on your side, or is it both of you?