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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

RE Husband and time off for childcare

94 replies

whackamoley · 27/06/2022 18:36

I have not long been back at work from maternity leave. Before I went back, DH and I had a discussion to plan childcare.
I am working 4 days a week so have my 3 set days off where I can care for the children. My parents help out 1 day, his parents help 1 day.
DH agreed that he would also get 2 set days off where he was responsible for childcare. SORTED.

I asked him are you 100% sure you will stick to your days off or shall we just book him in to daycare because I don't want to be going back to work and then messing around when he doesn't stick to what is agreed.

Cue this week, he now needs to go in to work on his agreed day off, so is asking me to work from home and look after the baby.

I'm just so annoyed!
I mean, I probably can swap and work from home but that's not the point. It's my day at work and I should be working. It's not easy to work from home and look after a child.
I've told him I don't think I can because I have a meeting (I don't, but if I did?) he can't just expect me to swap my work plans when he couldn't possibly.

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 27/06/2022 18:38

He is unreasonable, we only allow WFH if there is childcare in place for under 11s , unless it is an emergency. This isn't an emergency this is your husband viewing his job as more important than yours.

Hotcuppatea · 27/06/2022 18:39

Nip this in the bud OP. He's being totally unreasonable.

CanofCant · 27/06/2022 18:39

Don't swap. Inconvenience him or he will take it for granted you can cover his childcare days at his every whim. Very frustrating for you.

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/06/2022 18:41

This makes my blood boil because it happens ALL THE TIME. When it comes down to it, most men will do almost anything to get out of caring for their own children because it's monotonous, thankless, and boring.

Remind him of the arrangement THAT HE AGREED TO.

Then nip this in the bud. He needs to step up. Children are hugely inconvenient, but it's just as much his responsibility as it is yours.

User0ne · 27/06/2022 18:44

Don't swap, make him sort it out. Otherwise it will become your job to sort out childcare.

redskyatnight · 27/06/2022 18:47

I think it's ok for him to ask. As long as it's not all the time.
But on the basis you can't, it's then his problem to source alternative childcare or forgo his work thing.

JazzHandsYeah · 27/06/2022 18:47

Don’t swap, get him to arrange childcare, and you really can’t give 100% to your job if you’re caring for a baby. It would have been really frowned upon in my company for someone to work from home whilst caring for their own baby.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 27/06/2022 18:52

You cannot wfh with a child under the age of 8. It is simply impossible to get a day's work done.

It is massively unfair of him to expect you to pick up an entire day's slack. It is sexist and thoughtless.

I think at age 8, if they are home sick off school with something minor, you can park them with some jigsaw, a book, a packed lunch and a ipad while you work.

Two days a week in childcare would doe everyone a favour AND would give you some flexibility if your parents want to take a vacation or are sick.

Don't be mad at him - just point out what he has asked for is entirely unreasonable and you will NEVER be available to simply step in at his convenience. there is a simple (albeit costly) solution in the shape of childcare. Use it and avoid the arguments!

Sexnotgender · 27/06/2022 18:55

Fucks sake. You spell it out, he explicitly agrees and then when push comes to shove he expects you to sort out his mess.

No, tell him to bugger right off.

Threepeonies · 27/06/2022 18:56

whackamoley · 27/06/2022 18:36

I have not long been back at work from maternity leave. Before I went back, DH and I had a discussion to plan childcare.
I am working 4 days a week so have my 3 set days off where I can care for the children. My parents help out 1 day, his parents help 1 day.
DH agreed that he would also get 2 set days off where he was responsible for childcare. SORTED.

I asked him are you 100% sure you will stick to your days off or shall we just book him in to daycare because I don't want to be going back to work and then messing around when he doesn't stick to what is agreed.

Cue this week, he now needs to go in to work on his agreed day off, so is asking me to work from home and look after the baby.

I'm just so annoyed!
I mean, I probably can swap and work from home but that's not the point. It's my day at work and I should be working. It's not easy to work from home and look after a child.
I've told him I don't think I can because I have a meeting (I don't, but if I did?) he can't just expect me to swap my work plans when he couldn't possibly.

Dont work from home, you will get no work done and he will do it more frequently causing you to be resentful.

Tell him he can either change his work plans or he can find childcare. And do not budge. As soon as you budge this will become a regular thing, you are setting yourself up here for your entire working life with children. Every sickness, event, childcare etc, unless you are firm now it will become more and more your issue.

AFineBalance · 27/06/2022 19:00

Agree with all the PPs. He needs to sort something out that doesn’t involve you. Either talk to work or find some care without calling in favours (it would annoy me if my DH called a set of parents in these circumstances short notice as additional care - I try and keep emergency requests for illness/crisis not just being disorganised).

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:01

If this is the first time it has happened I would consider booking the time off if you can. Only because you would expect him to do the same for you. But only if it's an absolutely can't be avoided once every 6 months type thing. And make clear this is a one off. This does depend on how long you've been back. I think you need a good solid couple of months back at work before taking time off.

LilyMarshall · 27/06/2022 19:02

I agree with pp. whatever you do now, sets the standard.

‘sorry, dp, that doesn't work for me. This is your day to sort. Youll need to find appropriate childcare for that day.’

LuaDipa · 27/06/2022 19:03

Don’t swap. If he can’t do it he needs to find a solution. If he thinks you can chop and change he will pull this shit all the time.

Candleabra · 27/06/2022 19:03

DON’T SWAP!
Do not alter your plans. You can’t productively WFH anyway with a baby.

LilyMarshall · 27/06/2022 19:03

How long exactly have you been back op? How many days has he covered so far before the arrangement has failed?

Sally872 · 27/06/2022 19:04

You can't watch a baby and work from home. Do not do it. He needs to ask if either grandparents can swap their day or say no to employer.

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:04

I think its unfair to assume that because a lot of men dick about and expect the mother of their child to be able to just chop and change their work that that is what's happening here. If its a definite one off important meeting type event that you would presumably expect him to cover similar for you then I think a one off, making clear it is a one off is fine.

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:04

I do agree it is impossible and unfair on your employer to try and wfh with a baby

LilyMarshall · 27/06/2022 19:05

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:04

I think its unfair to assume that because a lot of men dick about and expect the mother of their child to be able to just chop and change their work that that is what's happening here. If its a definite one off important meeting type event that you would presumably expect him to cover similar for you then I think a one off, making clear it is a one off is fine.

But that is exactly what is happening. It is his day to sort and instead he has told op to work from home… with a baby.

OompaLoompaa · 27/06/2022 19:08

I think one of you needs to book a nursery.

Discovereads · 27/06/2022 19:09

Personally I think your joint idea that you could go without using paid childcare was overly optimistic. It’s one thing to plan to have set days off from work and another to actually be able to do it without being managed out of the job. It’s also foolhardy to depend on your parents to do a set day every week- what if they get sick or tired of it or you don’t agree with their parenting?

So, this incident is just a symptom of the larger problem which is you both don’t have childcare sorted, not really.

Id be looking for a nursery.

FOJN · 27/06/2022 19:11

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:04

I think its unfair to assume that because a lot of men dick about and expect the mother of their child to be able to just chop and change their work that that is what's happening here. If its a definite one off important meeting type event that you would presumably expect him to cover similar for you then I think a one off, making clear it is a one off is fine.

The OP gave DH the option of booking baby into daycare two days a week to avoid exactly this problem. Perhaps the is a one off but it's still DH's problem to solve the OP has a job to do.

potplant · 27/06/2022 19:16

Don’t switch and don’t sort it out for him.

I had exactly the same and ended up working part time hours, at the expense of my career progression.

You’re teetering on the edge of the slippery slope to default parent.

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:19

LilyMarshall · 27/06/2022 19:05

But that is exactly what is happening. It is his day to sort and instead he has told op to work from home… with a baby.

Show quote history

It's the first time though and if OP can take time off as leave I don't see why she wouldn't for a one off, expecting him to do the same for her.