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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

RE Husband and time off for childcare

94 replies

whackamoley · 27/06/2022 18:36

I have not long been back at work from maternity leave. Before I went back, DH and I had a discussion to plan childcare.
I am working 4 days a week so have my 3 set days off where I can care for the children. My parents help out 1 day, his parents help 1 day.
DH agreed that he would also get 2 set days off where he was responsible for childcare. SORTED.

I asked him are you 100% sure you will stick to your days off or shall we just book him in to daycare because I don't want to be going back to work and then messing around when he doesn't stick to what is agreed.

Cue this week, he now needs to go in to work on his agreed day off, so is asking me to work from home and look after the baby.

I'm just so annoyed!
I mean, I probably can swap and work from home but that's not the point. It's my day at work and I should be working. It's not easy to work from home and look after a child.
I've told him I don't think I can because I have a meeting (I don't, but if I did?) he can't just expect me to swap my work plans when he couldn't possibly.

OP posts:

BriocheForBreakfast · 28/06/2022 08:03

ChateauMargaux · 27/06/2022 21:29

DH also stands for dick head.

DH... as a woman, I face structural inequalities which are stacked against me achieving my potential in the working world. As a woman who has already carried a child and taken maternity leave, I have set my career back and placed an insurmountable obstacle in my own path towards long term financial security. Every single time I put your career ahead of mine and expect my employers to flex around your inability to manage your diary you put another obstacle in my path. Your career can take this more than mine. We decided to have this child together. You have to share this burden.

🙌🏻

BendingSpoons · 28/06/2022 08:06

What is significant to me is he is asking you to wfh and care for your baby. If he had said, 'I really need to be in work on Thurs, could you swap and go to work Friday instead' (where Friday is usually his working day but he takes it off in place of Thurs) then I would consider it if possible. The fact he thinks you should just cover for him doing 2 jobs that day is just not on.

As an aside, does this mean you never get a day off together, so there is never really any down time for either of you?

Original poster

whackamoley · 28/06/2022 08:15

I do have the weekends off plus one weekday.
DH is sub-contracted, so he can be flexible with his days, so we agreed the 2 set days and then he can have another day, whichever fits well in his work week flexibly to spend together as a family.

OP posts:

Mariposista · 28/06/2022 08:16

This isn’t going to work OP. If he is already asking this then it will happen again. No way can you WFH with a small child. Both the work and the kid would be neglected!
find a nursery or CM

OompaLoompaa · 28/06/2022 08:17

Do you both work four days a week?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/06/2022 08:20

Just say no.

"Dh, you committed to this. It is your problem to solve"

HaveringWavering · 28/06/2022 08:49

whackamoley · 28/06/2022 08:15

So essentially he always worked weekends but had 2 days off midweek- let’s calm that the “weekend” to denote that it’s the 2 days off in a standard 5 day full time working week.

He’s now agreed to do childcare on his “weekend” but also to try to take an extra day off now and again when you are also off?

And now his employer is asking him to come in on his “weekend”?

HairyScaryMonster · 28/06/2022 09:14

Whatever happens, don't back down. And he is responsible for finding childcare or going back to his work saying he was mistaken and he can't work that day after all, don't try to solve it for him.

CatchingSocks · 28/06/2022 09:20

Absolutely 100 percent DO NOT let him do this. Like a child, he needs clear boundaries for the start and consequences for being flaky,

Go into work OP.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/06/2022 09:35

i would also say no because what he is asking is impossible. You can’t WFH while caring for a baby. Tell him you value your job and you aren’t willing to treat your employer like crap.

Ask him why he is???

Then wait for him to answer.

Then tell him that you are supposed to be a team Ho work together to provide for the family and take for each other and his actions are the exact opposite of that. If you agree you will be frazzled all day and end up working the evening. Why does he want that for you??

Penguinevere · 28/06/2022 10:30

I had a similar issue with my DH when I went back. If I could roll the clock back I’d just organise daycare because trying to address it with him was a very frustrating waste of time and in the end he still let me down so I had to organise something else.

Triffid1 · 28/06/2022 10:32

So you are responsible for the weekends entirely by yourself? I found that a bit disturbing.

He is being totally unfair. If he came to you and said, "I'm so sorry, this is a once off, is there anyw way you can make it work..." I might feel differently. But it sounds like he just assumes you can "WFH" while looking after a baby. FFS. That's not an option. He needs to come up with a solution.

Quartz2208 · 28/06/2022 10:37

DOes he do work on weekends then in lieu of other days?

Take the weekends out of it. Look at the fact that you are doing a 4 day week and get childcare those four days (or get him to do one day of it) and then have weekends as family time

Or are the weekends his to do as he wants?

Shgytfgtf111 · 28/06/2022 10:45

You cannot WFH and look after a baby. It shouldnt happen and is disrespectful to your employer and colleagues. You would need to put in leave for the day if you dont have childcare. I would tell him you will have to take leave for the day and see if there is anyway he can rearrange at all/

Scottishskifun · 28/06/2022 12:27

Womencanlift · 28/06/2022 08:02

Working from home is for that - working. As a line manager I wouldn’t be impressed if one of my employees was doing childcare when they were supposed to be working

A one off emergency is fair enough. But for it to cover an unorganised partner, no chance

As a pp said no wonder employers are pushing for a return to the office if people are using wfh to reduce childcare costs

Yep for those of us who did it through lockdown it was a bloody nightmare and my company refused to furlough me as there was too much work to do!

The only times I have worked from home with my toddler about is when he's ill csnt go to nursery and there is loads of work to do which my LM is happy with as she knows I will make sure my hours and work is done in nap time, bed time etc and if a vomiting bug then I book off as it's impossible to work at the same time!

Lazypuppy · 28/06/2022 12:29

You can't WFH and look after a baby. You would need to take annual leave.

But as others have said, my answer would be no, its his day to look after baby so he either needs to sort other childcare (family/friend etc) or sort work out

Badger1970 · 28/06/2022 12:34

Does he "need" to go into work on his day off or does he "want" to go into work.

There's an ocean between the two.

I'd arrange daycare, OP, he's already showing you that his job is more important than yours

LannieDuck · 28/06/2022 13:01

I'm sure it's sorted now, but my response would have been that he needs to sort it. His day, his problem to resolve.

IncompleteSenten · 28/06/2022 13:09

Did you remind him of his commitment? What did he say?

I'd be saying it's only been a few weeks and you're already not sticking to the agreement. We should get a nursery place after all.

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