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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

RE Husband and time off for childcare

94 replies

whackamoley · 27/06/2022 18:36

I have not long been back at work from maternity leave. Before I went back, DH and I had a discussion to plan childcare.
I am working 4 days a week so have my 3 set days off where I can care for the children. My parents help out 1 day, his parents help 1 day.
DH agreed that he would also get 2 set days off where he was responsible for childcare. SORTED.

I asked him are you 100% sure you will stick to your days off or shall we just book him in to daycare because I don't want to be going back to work and then messing around when he doesn't stick to what is agreed.

Cue this week, he now needs to go in to work on his agreed day off, so is asking me to work from home and look after the baby.

I'm just so annoyed!
I mean, I probably can swap and work from home but that's not the point. It's my day at work and I should be working. It's not easy to work from home and look after a child.
I've told him I don't think I can because I have a meeting (I don't, but if I did?) he can't just expect me to swap my work plans when he couldn't possibly.

OP posts:

OompaLoompaa · 27/06/2022 19:21

*Don’t switch and don’t sort it out for him.

I had exactly the same and ended up working part time hours, at the expense of my career progression.

You’re teetering on the edge of the slippery slope to default parent*

I disagree, I think paying for reliable childcare will enable both parents to pursue their careers.

amylou8 · 27/06/2022 19:25

The baby is your responsibility, he will look after it if it's convenient to him, but ultimately you need to be available 24/7. I was married to one of these too! Nip it in the bud now, be completely unavailable. It's his day, he either works with baby in tow, finds childcare or stays at home.

ChocolateHippo · 27/06/2022 19:27

You can't wfh with a young child. End of. So that's not an option.

Tell him to book a babysitter or tell work he can't come in. Since this is on his day, he needs to be the one to take the hit. You're not his standby babysitter.

rookiemere · 27/06/2022 19:31

Reiterate what you said at the start about getting childcare for those days instead.

Either your career and salary matters or perhaps you should just give it up so he doesn't need to do any pre planning.

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:33

FOJN · 27/06/2022 19:11

The OP gave DH the option of booking baby into daycare two days a week to avoid exactly this problem. Perhaps the is a one off but it's still DH's problem to solve the OP has a job to do.

Show quote history

I think the problem is the lack of daycare. It was never going to work if they aren't going to be able to cover important meetings

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:37

The problem with your arrangement is it works fine in theory but then you get eg. Child is ill on "your" day and then you have an important meeting you can't miss but DH might dig in and say no it's not his day. You're not seperated parents in tricky coparenting agreement with set custody days.

ChocolateHippo · 27/06/2022 19:39

His day, his problem.

Tell him to sign up to a local babysitting agency (if you have any available near you - there are several round here) and find a reliable babysitter who can cover this sort of thing if it occurs in future. Because you can't do two jobs at once.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 27/06/2022 19:46

Please say no - say you’re happy for him to arrange daycare. Do not make the mistake I and PP have made of being too accommodating and setting a pattern of you being the default cover, it’s proving very difficult to get back from!!

Ponderingwindow · 27/06/2022 19:48

You can’t actually work and take care of a baby. Its a not possible. Don’t try to pull something like that with work.

it’s something that people occasionally do in emergencies when children are sick and there are deadlines to meet. They juggle and manage to get things done and the employer is appreciative that the employee didn’t just completely take the day off.

your husband is asking you to abuse wfh which will end up damaging your career.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/06/2022 19:49

If you are working from home, the baby should be in alternative childcare anyway.

OompaLoompaa · 27/06/2022 19:52

So the plan is one of you will always be at work so you get no days together or a weekend?
I can’t see how this is going to work long term, what happens when the grandparents go on holiday or have something on?

potplant · 27/06/2022 19:57

OompaLoompaa · 27/06/2022 19:21

*Don’t switch and don’t sort it out for him.

I had exactly the same and ended up working part time hours, at the expense of my career progression.

You’re teetering on the edge of the slippery slope to default parent*

I disagree, I think paying for reliable childcare will enable both parents to pursue their careers.

I’m not recommending doing what I did at all!

Absolutely agree paying for childcare is a better option all round. I had childcare at nursery age but once DCs got to school age I couldn’t manage with all the pick ups, illness, inset days, school holidays. I was already the default parent, so ExH never even thought about it.

OP draw a line in the sand now.

CallOnMe · 27/06/2022 20:01

It would depend on why his boss wants him in that day.

If it’s a one off thing like an important meeting or to train a new employee then I would try and swap with him but if it’s something minor then I’d just say you can’t.

dustandroses · 27/06/2022 20:15

You know you are going to do it.

But do not swap, no matter how bad you feel. It’s his day. What would happen if it was the other way around would he work from home with the DC?

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 20:16

To all the people suggesting day care, do you really think that is in best interest of the child? To be dropped off somewhere they've never been before with someone they don't know for a whole day?

ChiselandBits · 27/06/2022 20:17

I suppose you could agree to it this one time to show willing. But make a pretty big deal and say this is an absolute one off emergency. If it happens again, this is clearly isn't a workable plan and we need to use a nursery. Or, alternatively, ask him to do the same for you almost immediately afterwards and see what his response is. As pp have said, you really can't do a proper day's work with a child at home, so its not a permanent solution anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2022 20:21

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 20:16

To all the people suggesting day care, do you really think that is in best interest of the child? To be dropped off somewhere they've never been before with someone they don't know for a whole day?

No. The best option is dad does it. Second best is he asks someone they know who isn't working. Third is daycare.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/06/2022 20:21

If he'd approached you in advance when he became aware of the problem to see if you can swap, that would be one thing.

To leave it until just before makes it sound like he things it is your responsibility.

rottentothehorrorcore · 27/06/2022 20:21

I would be telling him that WFH is no longer an option for your job. Yes, it involves lying, but feelings don't sound to be taken into consideration anyway if he's expecting you to drop everything for his job.

Stand your ground sooner rather than later otherwise he will just think it's acceptable.

Pumpkintopf · 27/06/2022 20:25

There's working from home, and then there's caring for your baby. You can't do both at the same time.

rwalker · 27/06/2022 20:31

No drama just say no TBF sounds like has has sorted it and his work have changed it.

ChateauMargaux · 27/06/2022 21:29

DH also stands for dick head.

DH... as a woman, I face structural inequalities which are stacked against me achieving my potential in the working world. As a woman who has already carried a child and taken maternity leave, I have set my career back and placed an insurmountable obstacle in my own path towards long term financial security. Every single time I put your career ahead of mine and expect my employers to flex around your inability to manage your diary you put another obstacle in my path. Your career can take this more than mine. We decided to have this child together. You have to share this burden.

LilyMarshall · 27/06/2022 21:50

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 19:19

It's the first time though and if OP can take time off as leave I don't see why she wouldn't for a one off, expecting him to do the same for her.

Show quote history

Again, but it is his day and he isnt taking that day off. He expects op to do.

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 22:16

LilyMarshall · 27/06/2022 21:50

Again, but it is his day and he isnt taking that day off. He expects op to do.

Show quote history

He's asked. He hasn't expected.

notanothertakeaway · 27/06/2022 22:17

Is it a genuine emergency / one off, or, as I suspect more likely, he has a Big Job and is Terribly Important and prioritises his wish to go into the office over your own working commitments ?

Better to book a nursery for the 2 days your DH was supposed to have the baby

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