RE Husband and time off for childcare

[whackamoley]

I have not long been back at work from maternity leave. Before I went back, DH and I had a discussion to plan childcare.
I am working 4 days a week so have my 3 set days off where I can care for the children. My parents help out 1 day, his parents help 1 day.
DH agreed that he would also get 2 set days off where he was responsible for childcare. SORTED.

I asked him are you 100% sure you will stick to your days off or shall we just book him in to daycare because I don't want to be going back to work and then messing around when he doesn't stick to what is agreed.

Cue this week, he now needs to go in to work on his agreed day off, so is asking me to work from home and look after the baby.

I'm just so annoyed!
I mean, I probably can swap and work from home but that's not the point. It's my day at work and I should be working. It's not easy to work from home and look after a child.
I've told him I don't think I can because I have a meeting (I don't, but if I did?) he can't just expect me to swap my work plans when he couldn't possibly.

He can book a nursery to cover his days. Not her responsibility.

His day, his problem

I'd say you can't work with baby. Suggest he sources alternative childcare

DH... as a woman, I face structural inequalities which are stacked against me achieving my potential in the working world. As a woman who has already carried a child and taken maternity leave, I have set my career back and placed an insurmountable obstacle in my own path towards long term financial security. Every single time I put your career ahead of mine and expect my employers to flex around your inability to manage your diary you put another obstacle in my path. Your career can take this more than mine. We decided to have this child together. You have to share this burden.

@ChateauMargaux Well said!

Don't swap! You'd be setting an unwanted precedent. Ask him to sort out alternative childcare.

From someone who had to work from home whilst caring for a baby during the pandemic I can tell you it's pretty impossible thing to do unless it's around their nap time and then you work early or late once they are in bed

Do not swap and personally I would be asking him again if he can commit to this as otherwise you both need to start looking at alternatives

Thanks for the replies. This is my second month back so not long at all.
We do have plans to send DC to daycare but we were hoping to do it when they're a bit older.

I'm just annoyed that we clearly had the discussion. I feel like whatever has come up at work is irrelevant. I booked my days off so whatever happens I'm off. I ask him if he can commit to the same, and if not we will book daycare. He said 100% he will have the days off. So really he got the option of having no set day where he is fully responsible for childcare which actually sounds crazy now I type it, imagine being a parent but having no day off the week where you are absolutely responsible. What a breeze aye.

It just puts me in an awkward position at work constantly asking to change my days at home and/or book days off at short notice.

What was his response when you said you can’t?

He’s testing you, if you give in this time, he will expect you to keep giving in.

We both work part time, we both work part time, I do monday to Wednesday, when adoption leave ends he’ll be doing wednesday to friday. So we will usually need one day of childcare.

We both have certain meetings and events that are compulsory that will sometimes fall on our day off, when that happens the other person will either apply for flexi that week as a temporary day change, or use annual leave. Sometimes my husband will have to attend two week conferences abroad, they’re part of his job, on those occasions I’ll just use annual leave.

It is fairly common for us part timers to go in on our usual non-contact days for certain things, usually they’ll be on your work calendar so you can sort any arrangements out well in advance.

Is it normal to WFH whilst doing childcare? I assumed we were all….working. No wonder they’re trying to get back in the office.

No wonder women's careers plateau after having children. Just say no to DH, not possible. Do not put yourself in an awkward position at work to deal with an entirely predictable situation that your DH chose not to deal with in advance, even when you suggested the childcare option.
You are not the default parent, his career is not more important than yours, and if you don't make him realise that now you will be putting up with this for years.

There is no way I would sort it, or stay home. ‘We talked about this. You were very clear you could do these days. It’s hard not to feel like you didn’t think it through because you really deep down feel it didn’t matter as there’s always me to back you up. This would be a great relationship if we BOTH felt that way, but I don’t. Here you are letting me and our child down already in exactly the way you were not going to. You will need to find some daycare or stay home, this is your parenting day and my work day.’

I think if a one off situation, I’d try be flexible. You might also need to swap at some point if something urgent comes up where you have to work, and if you were inflexible with him, then he might be the same. It’s all about supporting each other. To a point of course.

I'm due to go back to work soon after mat leave and my DD is going into nursery one day a week, she's starting nursery the week before I go back and will get a settling in session and I've booked her in for a full day just so I'm around if there's any issues. We've got both families helping us on the other day I'm at work (alternate weeks) but the nursery have said if I have any childcare issues on that day then I can book her in for that day too if they've got the space so try and give a bit of notice beforehand if possible. We were just going to rely on family too but decided nursery would probably be a better option.

I agree, give and take if at all possible. Just make sure he is being just as flexible. But if you can't take it as a day off or it's going to cause issues with your work then no.

I'd disagree with some posters.

This is really not the time to be flexible, if you give an inch now he'll take a mile. You shouldn't be wfh with no childcare with a baby at all - I'm still a bit unclear if your DH is meant to be wfh on the days he has the baby- and if you do it once, he'll just assume that's his default option.

Get the childcare. It will make life simpler and less stressful for both of you.

Just find a nursery and book him in on the two days you need, or childminder I would not even consult him, if you don't find childcare you will have this all the time. X

You can't work from home while looking after a baby. Looking after a bany is work. You can't just park the baby and get on with your work.

What actual arrangements has your DH made with his employer? Does he actually have agreement for set non-working days or did he not actually secure that arrangement when he was supposed to. If it was agreed then he needs to insist that they stick to the agreement. I disagree with pp that you should go with a nanny/nursery instead. It's way better for the kids and dad to have a set day or two together, but the formal agreement with his employer needs to be properly established if it isn't already in place.

No those are his days off at home with baby. He is doing childcare of his own baby.

If doesn't get to shirk his childcare days and you DO NOT cover for him as you are working- you cannot do both.

Unless he's coming home to take care of baby whilst you go into work in your days off, he cannot expect same from you. You are EQUAL parents to this Baby- not Mumdoeseverything

What an arse to ask this the second month you're back at work. Why does he take baby in with him to work? No? Because it's a bloody ridiculous request!!!

Omg. If this is a one of and something has come up at work that he needs to work and you can take the day off then why not work with him. You may need to do the same one day. No need to make it awkward. Work as a team to co parent. That means compromise and change of plans which IF it is on both sides is fine.

Say no.

Either tell him straight that he's being a cheeky fucking git, and this is exactly why you spelt it out to him in the first place. Or just tell him that you can't. Either way, this is one of his days for childcare, and it is his problem to sort.

Please can you clarify something?

You’re saying you work 4 days a week and have “3 set days off”. He has also agreed to find 2 days off.

So do both of you work in jobs where Saturdays and Sundays are working days and have to be covered childcare wise? You never have a day all together?

It’s confusing because most jobs are 5 days a week so doesn’t your husband already have 2 days out of 7 off, without making any special arrangement with his employer?

How are weekends working? Do you ever get time together.

I think childcare is needed for 2 days so there is some flexibility and then parents.

But cant he ask his parents to swap?

Two things stand out to me from this (apart from the obvious he agreed the plan and then expects you to just sort out his mess):

1. you can't wfh whilst looking after a child. You just can't, and it does a disservice to everyone else working from home as there's a degree of trust that we're working and not just using it to avoid sorting out proper childcare. Obviously that's on him, not you, as that was never your plan.
2. when you say he had the option of no days per week when he is responsible for childcare - I'm assuming from your phrasing of your 3 days off you don't work a Mon-Fri job, but of your 'weekend', irrespective of whether that's a Sat / Sun or different days of the week - assuming he gets a 'weekend' too, why are you solely responsible for the childcare on those days, surely that's split 50:50?

Working from home is for that - working. As a line manager I wouldn’t be impressed if one of my employees was doing childcare when they were supposed to be working

A one off emergency is fair enough. But for it to cover an unorganised partner, no chance

As a pp said no wonder employers are pushing for a return to the office if people are using wfh to reduce childcare costs