To ask if your DH or DW were having therapy

[BiFoldChampion]

Would you ask them how it’s going? I’m having psychotherapy - it’s quite full on and I’m exhausted after my sessions.

My DH is aware I’m having this therapy but he’s not asked me once how it’s going?

Would you ask your DW or DH how it was going?

When I read your post my kneejerk reaction was, "of course you'd ask!"

But actuaqlly DH and I have both had therapy at points during our relationship and we never did. We talked/talk about our feelings and mental wellbeing a lot, we're not closed off, but we didn't specifically ask about therapy - I think there was a sense that that was personal time to work through stuff.

However, I don't know that if that's 'right' or 'normal' - the issue here is that you do want your DH to ask (I think?), and he isn't. Maybe communicate that to him - he might feel, as DH and I did, that it's personal and not to be discussed.

I’ve had therapy. If I’d wanted to talk about it which I didn’t) I would have brought it up myself. I personally can’t think of anything more tedious than having to talk about therapy with anyone else after the session.

No, I never asked @BiFoldChampion, I figured if he wanted to talk, he would.

Nope, I'd leave it. If he wanted to tell me how it was going he would, I wouldn't ask or anything. Everyone reacts differently after a session and not everyone wants to talk about it. I certainly wouldn't.

Have you actually communicated that you wouldn't mind talking about it afterwards?

Both my current DP and exDP have had psychotherapy sessions during the course of our relationships, and I have always been reluctant to probe into what is going on.

The most I have ever done is ask an occasional, general 'useful session?' straight afterwards. I see therapy as something deeply personal, and would only want someone to talk about it on their terms when they wanted, unless perhaps it was specifically focused on the relationship.

I think you should talk to your therapist about this! Seriously. Yes and no. It's so private..what do you want him to ask you and why? Would you answer him honestly, provide context? If he asks you do you just want to say 'ok' or provide more info? I wouldn't mind being asked but I can imagine dp not liked being asked. Him not asking you isn't 'wrong'.

My husband asked after my first session did I want him to ask about it, I said no. I said I'd talk about it if I wanted to but that I wanted it to be a private thing that's just for me.

I found myself wanting to chat about it though, and would bring it up the odd time.

I wouldn't have liked if he asked me though, would have felt like an invasion of privacy. Or like I had to justify the session, when in reality some sessions were about nothing in particular at all.

DH usually asks. Never any probing or specific questions.
He knows that the issues I'm dealing with are truly horrible, life changing ones and he's concerned about me. He only wants to know in the most general sense whether it was tough or positive that day so he can be supportive.

He could either be trying to be sensitive by not asking or he doesn’t care enough to ask - only you know which way round it is

I've had therapy and my partner didn't ask and I was glad about that as I didn't want to discuss it. We don't live together so he wouldn't see me straight after a session anyway.

My ex husband had loads of therapy and apart from checking in when he got home I never asked him.

Therapy is deeply personal and its up to the person receiving therapy if they want to discuss things.

My husband is going through therapy currently. I do ask him a very general 'good session?' type question. Sometimes he opens up and gets a lot off his chest. Sometimes he gives a one word answer and we move along.

I probably wouldn't as it can be quite intense and I'd probably assume he would start the conversation if he wanted to talk about it. If he was quieter than usual then I'd probably ask if he wanted to talk about anything.

If you’d like him to ask, ask him to. There’s no normal.

@BiFoldChampion i don't think it's wrong/unusual for you to want your DH to acknowledge you've been & to ask if you're ok. To act like he gives a crap!

How is it going? Useful?

No I wouldn't, because I feel like it is private and I wouldn't want to make them think I am asking details, although of course they could just reply "it was a good session" or "I'm making progress" or whatever.

I am a therapist and I'd say most of my clients aren't asked by their partners and don't want to be. Most of my clients partners know they're in therapy but I've always assumed most don't even discuss what we cover in their sessions. I think a lot of people assume it is private op but if you want to discuss it I would suggest you bring it up xx

My DH has gone to therapy for nearly a year, and I have never asked about it. It is private, and I feel like the time away from therapy is for processing information.

DH and I have had therapy but we didn't ask each other about it beyond a good session?

My immediate response was to think your partner should show they care / are interested and therefore should ask, but having read the responses I can see I'm in the minority and can see the point of view of PPs.

I went to therapy by myself as H refused to come (I felt marriage counselling would benefit us, he thought differently) and he never once asked anything about it, in my situation I felt like he just couldn't give a toss and that's why he didn't ask.

Maybe I was wrong 🤔

Thanks for the responses. It’s going well I think. Certainly I’m working on my need for external validation, so maybe this is part of it. I’m seeing a transformation in how I see him. It’s a bit of a struggle as I’be found myself working through his family dynamic and the effect it has on me.

there is a lot of control, narcissism and toxicity in his family we’ve identified and I’m working on not feeding those traits in him. I mean he’s not asked why I’m having therapy, who the therapist is, how much it’s costing. All he knows of it is when I check he’s not wfh as I have my sessions (via zoom).

After the first session I think there was a “if you need to talk” comment but that’s all. We have both had therapy at different times but neither of us shared details of what happened as it was personal (and not relationship related)

I've had psychotherapy and it was intense, both emotionally and mentally difficult. My dh asked after each and every session, and also let me know if I wanted to talk further he is there for me. I would think your dh would ask and check if you are ok

DH and I both have and we have both discussed our sessions afterwards. Of course we didn’t share everything but we often found it useful to mull it over. We have always said “useful session?” and a “don’t want to talk about it” will always be respected.

No-one owes anyone a run down of their therapy but I would always be interested if DH wants to share stuff and I will always ask if it went well in an open ended way and he did the same for me.

But I’ve had zero - nothing. I’ve told him I’m seeing a new therapist and that’s it. I know he’s not against therapy.

I think I’m seeking some I don’t know - maybe I’m seeing it as he doesn’t care about me. Something I need to speak to my therapist about.

Have you told him you want to talk about things?