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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your DH or DW were having therapy

89 replies

BiFoldChampion · 26/06/2022 23:47

Would you ask them how it’s going? I’m having psychotherapy - it’s quite full on and I’m exhausted after my sessions.

My DH is aware I’m having this therapy but he’s not asked me once how it’s going?

Would you ask your DW or DH how it was going?

OP posts:
FreeRangeFloozy · 27/06/2022 07:16

Nope. They’ll talk about it if they want to.

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 07:21

I’m kind of at a loss. I need to speak to my therapist. After my last session I’ve gone a bit cold on him. Trying to manage how some of his comments/behaviours affect me. A classic example is ‘oh well done for doing x, but I wouldn’t have done that’ it’s like a compliment but then instantaneously taking it away (back-handed). He doesn’t even realise it’s what he does!! I’ve realised it’s what he grew up with, back handed compliments.

I kind of want to call him out on it but my therapist has said that people of his nature just don’t see they’re doing that to just leave it. But I don’t like it in front of my kids. I’m finding my eldest is doing it to my youngest and I don’t want her self worth knocking.

but if I told him about the sessions I’m not sure he would recognise his behaviours. I might just have to bring it up off my own back?

OP posts:
MultiBird · 27/06/2022 07:25

I think I'd ask a few conversational questions , "what's the therapist like?" "Is it helping?" but not regularly and not anything in detail.

Notonthestairs · 27/06/2022 07:31

No DH doesn't ask about therapy and not do I want him to.

If I'd like to change behaviour/dynamics after talking an issue through with my therapist I don't refer to my therapist in that conversation - I just focus on explaining how X makes me feel.

jetadore · 27/06/2022 07:36

I wouldn’t ask but I would be receptive if he brought it up. How does your dp react if you start talking about it?

magaluf1999 · 27/06/2022 07:39

Yes. Not in a 'what issues are you talking about' way. But in a how is it making you feel? Are you learning anything that is useful for you? Etc. Vague questions of concern that show you are emotionally available if the other person wants to talk.

SortingItOut · 27/06/2022 07:47

Why can't you speak to him about his backhanded compliments?

You say he doesn't even realise he's doing it, I would try at least once to explain what he's doing to see if he can change especially as it impacts the children.

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 07:48

Because the advice is not to react to grey rock him as it feeds his personality type to react.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/06/2022 08:14

classic example is ‘oh well done for doing x, but I wouldn’t have done that’ it’s like a compliment but then instantaneously taking it away (back-handed).

Is it a ' back handed compliment' or is it just being conversational?

MultiBird · 27/06/2022 08:16

MichelleScarn · 27/06/2022 08:14

classic example is ‘oh well done for doing x, but I wouldn’t have done that’ it’s like a compliment but then instantaneously taking it away (back-handed).

Is it a ' back handed compliment' or is it just being conversational?

I can hear myself doing this to my kids, as my father did to me. "That's really good, well done, but if you do this...."

Is it critisism or helpful advice?

MichelleScarn · 27/06/2022 08:16

BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 07:48

Because the advice is not to react to grey rock him as it feeds his personality type to react.

And absolutely its your relationship and your life so you know what's going on, but I think assigning every interaction to 'oh that's their personality type' can be wearing.
Who defined him as this personality type?

mynameiscalypso · 27/06/2022 08:19

BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 07:48

Because the advice is not to react to grey rock him as it feeds his personality type to react.

Is this advice from your therapist? It sounds a bit off to be honest especially as they have presumably never met your DH.

For what it's work, my DH rarely asks. He knows I see a psychiatrist weekly and have done for years but he sees it as my safe space - as do I. I would be uncomfortable with him violating that boundary.

saraclara · 27/06/2022 08:23

I mean he’s not asked why I’m having therapy, who the therapist is, how much it’s costing.

I'd not ask any of those things either. In fact if a partner asked how much it cost I'd be furious.

Nearly everyone here who's had therapy (and I add myself to this) had said they wouldn't want to be asked about it. It's intensely personal. But you've not acknowledged that at all, and are continuing to talk about yourself and why your partner is wrong.

You're coming across as a bit self-obsessed, yourself.

PicaK · 27/06/2022 08:24

I seem to be different to people here. Mine didn't ask. I even had a summary sheet at the end and he didn't read that.
Basically he'd switched off stopped loving and engaging with me. His family were also narcissistic nightmares who belittled and were vile to me.
I wish I'd taken it as a wake up call. Realised he just didn't care about me.
Long years followed.
He's an ex now

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 08:25

Or part of what his personality is like - no therapist not met him. Based on what I’ve said about his family/my interactions with him. Grey-rock is hard if you’re in a marriage you’re trying to get to work!

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/06/2022 08:25

....and those whose partners have therapy have also said they don't ask them about it. It seems standard and the tactful way to go.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/06/2022 08:26

I make a point of NOT asking , I will listen of he tells me though

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 08:28

Oh Sorry yes I acknowledge that most people have said that they wouldn’t expect to be asked. I don’t think I’m self obsessed but thank you for the observation I’ll think about it!!

I guess it’s zero acknowledgement is my issue but hey it seems It’s the norm not to expect it. I guess it’s cos I’m working through my relationship with my therapist a lot of what I’m learning would be useful to us both but I don’t feel right bringing it up.

I’ll be kind to him/me and stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Xanthe68 · 27/06/2022 08:28

I’m not sure I would ask, or not so directly. I wouldn’t want to make my partner feel I expected them to tell me what they talked about. Nor would I want them to feel under any pressure to be quickly “fixed”. I don’t know whether that’s the reason your partner hasn’t asked though.

MichelleScarn · 27/06/2022 08:32

I’ll be kind to him/me and stop feeling this way.

That statement makes me feel (and its just my opinion!) Heavily martyred and self pitying. Sorry but it does.

Are you having the therapy more to get attention from him? You said you're having it because of his family, is it really just that?

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 08:54

No - bereavement , overall issues with self worth, abusive childhood, parental alcoholism, birth trauma, that’s in the past though. I’m trying to work out how to move forward in a positive light.

then my own relationship issues

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/06/2022 09:07

Apologies then @BiFoldChampion I'd read *. I’m seeing a transformation in how I see him. It’s a bit of a struggle as I’be found myself working through his family dynamic and the effect it has on me.

there is a lot of control, narcissism and toxicity in his family we’ve identified and I’m working on not feeding those traits in him*

Although from this its still reading as though your therapy is focusing on trying to fix/ change him? You can't do that through your therapy no matter how hard you try.

warofthemonstertrucks · 27/06/2022 09:08

My DP is having therapy and I always ask how it's gone after every session. Sometimes he likes to talk it through, sometimes not. Up to him and how he's feeling-but I'm happy to listen if he wants to share and it helps me work out what's going on in our wider relationship (though his therapy isn't about that or me)

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 27/06/2022 09:10

MichelleScarn · 27/06/2022 09:07

Apologies then @BiFoldChampion I'd read *. I’m seeing a transformation in how I see him. It’s a bit of a struggle as I’be found myself working through his family dynamic and the effect it has on me.

there is a lot of control, narcissism and toxicity in his family we’ve identified and I’m working on not feeding those traits in him*

Although from this its still reading as though your therapy is focusing on trying to fix/ change him? You can't do that through your therapy no matter how hard you try.

Thank you @MichelleScarn you’re 100% right. I need to stop doing that. It’s the martyr bit you talk about? I think it’s more I need to work on myself to bring myself closer to him and maybe then he’ll work on himself if he chooses to/wants to.

it’s very early days for me. I’m still downloading to my therapist. She will only have pockets of insight.

thanks for everyone’s opinion. It’s valuable.

OP posts:
CthulhuInDisguise · 27/06/2022 09:12

My boyfriend calls me after my session to see if I'm OK, but I don't talk about specifics. Sometimes I'll give him the gist of what I've talked about but usually I don't. Same with his therapy, I ask if he's alright after because it can be draining.

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