To ask if your DH or DW were having therapy

[BiFoldChampion]

Would you ask them how it’s going? I’m having psychotherapy - it’s quite full on and I’m exhausted after my sessions.

My DH is aware I’m having this therapy but he’s not asked me once how it’s going?

Would you ask your DW or DH how it was going?

Hey OP. My DH has recently started therapy and I've made a point of not asking him about it, I see it as v private and personal. If he wants to tell me about it he will. I also would NEVER ask about cost as that would come across as me wanting to know 'is it worth it' and dismissive of his issues?

Reading through your posts it does strike me as you're focusing a lot on him in your sessions, this may not be the case but it seems that way. Have you considered therapy together?

Why don't you tell him how it's going and see where the conversation goes.

Literally just say "I'm finding my therapy sessions tiring but they're also so useful. We talk about x y z."

He isn't a mind reader love! How would he know what you want if you don't tell him?

I’d love for us to have therapy together. I think I will need to ask him about it. I’m not sure he would at this stage. He has a lot on with with over the coming months. I don’t think he could commit the time.

*with work

My bf never asks about my counselling and I wouldn't want him to. Personal so butt out!

I've said in a vague way it's good to have someone who is paid to listen and be non judgmental.

My focus is to work on myself moving forward.

My husband is and I have asked, he tells me what he feels like telling and then doesn´t what he wants to keep private. A question is a question you choose to answer however you deem fit.

I am first to admit I don’t know much about this kind of thing but I honestly cannot imagine how it’s possible to “grey rock” inside a marriage. That’s awful. Surely grey rock is for people on the periphery of your life, not your most intimate relationship?

I know I need to read through my notes! I’ve been grey rocking the poor man all week!

I actually hated being asked about my therapy. It was private, and I didn’t feel that I could share or wanted to. If I had wanted to I would have brought it up.

I am a therapist. I often discuss with clients what their expectations are around discussing the work with their loved ones. It can be very useful to be actively considering how much(if any) you want to share. Perhaps you may just want to flag that you have a lot going in in your head, or something about your emotional state. Perhaps you want to say nothing at all.

If you have expectations around what your partner should be doing, especially if this leads to disappointment for you, or you have unmet needs, then that is something you both need to discuss.

I'd ask how it was going, and ask him if he wanted to talk about it. He can lead the way from there.

When I had sessions, I was very open with DP about them, but I know not everyone would want to be - depending much on the issues that were being discussed, I suppose.

I think it’s more the emotional exhaustion after the therapy. I often feel really drained.

i think though he probably sees that and doesn’t then mention it at all so as to not make it more exhausting.

Grey rocking someone is basically a way of neutralising -or even not having- a relationship with someone you can't physically avoid.

The foundation of any good marriage is communication. Grey rock is the opposite and is likely to kill it.

It worries me that your therapist is giving you advice on how to to deal with your DH based on his "personality type", which is being reported to her by you. All she knows is his behaviour, as seen through your interpretation. She shouldn't be assessing his personality type at all.

And for context, I used to be a counsellor and have also had therapy myself.

i wouldn't ask how it was going, i'd ask how they were feeling though.

I'm in therapy currently and my family were asking how it was going, and i didn't feel ready to talk about it (still don't) so i didn't answer.. when they ask how i'm feeling and if i'm ok, i'm more open to talking about how i feel.. but not about the therapy, thats private.

No, I wouldn't. But if they said something about it, I'd talk to them about it. I don't discuss it when I've had therapy. It's private.

I don't want to insult you or offend OP, but please do check your notes because it does sound off that your therapist has never met DH but has deciphered his personality type and has encouraged you to grey rock him. Unless it was something more along the lines of "...sometimes we meet people who are X and sometimes it works best for us if we..."? Maybe it was something along the lines of pausing before reacting to your DH's comments?

Anyway, I have therapy. DH doesn't ask unless I bring it up because he knows I get such bad therapy hangovers.

I need to look at my notes on the grey rock bit!! My therapist did say it’s a method used in divorcing couples which is why it kind of made me think I don’t want to divorce him!

I will think about it as I’ve been very cold and off all week. I literally do what I’m told!

yes maybe it was more she said just don’t always react to his comments/or feed them so to speak.

This is also psychotherapy not counselling as such. I’ve had counselling didn’t really get anywhere.

Totally off topic now OP but I really hate anyone to get the wrong advice, particularly from therapists, so maybe get really specific with your therapist this week and say is this what you meant or have I misinterpreted? Because if that's what the therapist meant, I'd wonder if they actually understand what you need and what their role is.

This stands out to me too. I would expect a counsellor/therapist to get OP to manage her responses to external factors, but that wouldn't include diagnosing/labelling someone else - it's essentially irrelevant, it's about how OP responds to anything around her that is what should be worked on.

I'd be concerned that the therapist is implying OP's partner's 'personality type' (as heard second hand) is something that OP needs to manage, and that she's suggesting using grey rock technique within a marriage.

Yes it is around managing external factors - erm like how to manage interactions with DH family that I find hard. E.g. I’m always treated like the clown. So I don’t know how to ‘show up’ I often feel like I’m the butt of their jokes and play up. So maybe that’s where the grey rock came in and I misinterpreted it against DHs comments to me.

Grey rocking his family makes somewhat more sense, but grey rocking DH does not... Maybe just clarify in your next session. It's ok to misinterpret things if that's the case! Therapy is really, really hard.

100%
I’m having therapy and my husband always asks. It’s a big part of my life so why wouldn’t he?!