AIBU to ask how to get rid of this woman?

[Bananasplits2]

So this might sound a bit strange but I don’t really know what to make of this.

there’s a lovely cafe I go to. They’re very friendly and I enjoy going there most days for a drink - it’s my time to relax and just chill out. I often go there to work too and they’re very understanding. It’s not massive and I enjoy the bustle of people around me.

last year, a woman who was also there got talking to me and straightaway asked me for my number and said we should go walking. I was a bit taken aback but didn’t really know how to say and gave it to her. She got in touch and we did go for a walk, fine but to be honest I was a bit bored. She then invited me to meet a friend of hers for a drink in the pub a few weeks later. I was passing by and stopped - again fine. She then invited me for dinner with some other friends of hers. I said no, politely made an excuse.

if I’m honest, I think I one, don’t find her that interesting and a bit annoying and two, just thought it was strange that we don’t know each other that well but I’m being invited to meet ups with her good friend.

anyway, I bumped into her again and she insisted on walking with me and it turns out we know someone in common. This is someone I really don’t like and have had problems with in the past. It freaked me out that we knew this person and I decided to cut contact. The problem is she literally messages me asking to meet up. I ignore her. She then finds me in this cafe all the time and constantly asks me to come for dinner. I always say I’m busy and another time.

she definitely knows that I’m not keen I think as she even says you seem very busy and a few times has given me the side eye.

I haven’t been for ages and last week I bumped into her. I don’t feel like I can say please leave me alone. Im happy to say hello but I don’t want to be good friends and I don’t want to have dinner.

im pretty sure she knows this and yet just does not stop asking. It’s actually starting to piss me off but I can’t be doing with the aggro. I just wonder why she doesn’t find it slightly humiliating and if there is a nice way I can tell her not to ask me again.

God that sounds awful. I think you might need to just be blunt and say you don’t want to continue your acquaintanceship. And then block her. Be buried in your book when she comes into the cafe? Awkward!

That is odd. I think you’ll have to be blunt here OP..

You don't like her, but willingly spent a fair amount of time with her? She seems a bit socially awkward, but you're no better! You think she's weird and intense, but you just go along with it all. 🤷🏼‍♀️

why on earth did you give her your phone number.

Maybe if you say no thanks rather than make an excuse she might start to get the message.

Just cut her off, you don't want to be friends so what does it matter.

Would you be so accommodating if it was a man who kept asking?

I met up with her twice last year. And one time she accosted me in the park. Since then I do not meet up with her but she comes to the same place I do and insists on sitting next to me and talking.

it’s bizarre. I’m not rude and so of course I say hello and make polite chit chat initiated by her but I am obviously not taking her up on any offers to meet up or have dinner at her house.

I don’t see how I’m leading her on or spending time with her willingly. I can’t kick her out of a communal place.

i don’t quite know why I find it so unsettling. There was something a bit weird about it before that I thought on the first two occasions and then I learnt about this mutual acquaintance and it just doesn’t sit right. At the same time, I really hate being rude. I do think she is testing my boundaries. But I also think it’s odd as I would find it humiliating to be turned down so many times.

Tell her you're moving to Yemen.

I think you'll just have to be blunt, say you're not in the mind-frame for conversation and need to sit alone.

I just today read an etiquette column with a similar problem. The person responding suggested not inviting/not getting back to the insistent person, but in your case that is difficult. As a last resort she suggested saying something like this - might work, said with a smile - a polite, but 'professional' smile, if that makes sense?

'I'm in a period in my life when I have to restrict my social life to my closest circle of friends and family. I hope you can understand that.'

If you try, don't go into reasons, rinse and repeat. Smile. And if you see her in the street etc, smile again - no need to be impolite, just no time kind of.

Good luck!

I really hate being rude.

Being direct is not being rude. Trust your instincts. Do you think she's 'working' for the acquaintance you don't like?

Is there any chance the common friend has something to do with this? Like she’s putting her up to it or fishing for gossip? I don’t understand how someone can’t get the hint and back off

She seems very strange and you’re right to be cautious

Go to a different cafe. She will find someone else to pester.

Put headphones and say you are working and don’t speak to her.

just say ‘no thanks’ and nothing else.

Just be direct.

I have been in a situation similar to yours. In my case, it was a man who was bothering me. I also don't like to be rude to anyone but you have to be blunt when some people can't take the hint to go away. This woman sounds very strange. You will need to be blunt with her. Block her phone number and if you see her again, politely but firmly tell her you are not interested in talking to her anymore. If she persists, blank her completely. Walk past her and ignore her if she tries to talk to you. This may sound harsh but it isn't. She probably knows you don't really want to talk to her and yet she still persists. That is showing no consideration for your feelings.

Tell her you're moving to Yemen

😂😂😂

To be honest, I'd wait til you bump into her again (unless it doesn't happen soon) and just say, you were touched she wanted to swap numbers and befriend you, but that your cafe visits and walks are your 'you' time and that she's lovely but it's changed the meaning of your outings - thank you for being kind and including you, but you're busy and need your cafe/walking time just for you.

It's not easy - I would have to ask others for advice in your position because when it's me in the situation my feelings and anxieties take over and I can't think. But I reckon something like I said may explain its not her, it's you (even if it's really not you, but her haha) and just hope for the best from there.

If she's friends with someone awful you want nothing to do with then it's best nipped in the bud now.

Next time you see her and she starts taking just say

no not now Betty no thank you not today and go immediately back to your phone, friend, book

and if she carries on be firm

no today Betty I’ve already told you please stop and then nothing just stop

ignore all messages etc

There's no cafe on earth lovely enough to make me put up with this horror.

Surely the obvious answer is just stop going to this cafe!

My advice is... headphones (and sunglasses where possible)! In the café, in the park...! If she tries to talk to you in the café just ignore and type away, if she insists "sorry, I'm on a tight deadline so I don't have the time to talk (period, maybe some other time".
Do you want to have dinner? Sorry, I'm on a very strict diet, prescribed a professional to pinpoint some allergies so I only eat at home because I'm following a long list.

I don’t see how I’m leading her on or spending time with her willingly.

The leading her on part comes when you say I always say I’m busy and another time. The another time is saying you want to do it, just not now.

Maybe let her down gently and explain you have a lot going on in your life and don't have time or mental head space for a new friend, walks and dinner. But make it clear its not "another time", you don't have the space or time.

I've had one of these Pesky Paulas in the past. I'm sorry to say that I lied and told her that I was writing a novel and was very busy with that. Once she caught me sitting in the park alone eating a sandwich and I politely told her that although it looked like I was doing nothing that I was actually trying to plot my novel in my head and that would appreciated being alone. Every time she contacted me I told her that novel writing was very hard and laborious and that it was taking a long time and that I needed time to mull alone.

Although it was a lie, I think I let her down gently as she eventually gave up on me. I didn't actually want to say to her 'Well, I don't actually like you very much.'

These women are terribly lonely and desperate to make friends. Pesky Paula was in her 40s and unmarried and no children, just a cat. I found her fluctuations between claiming she was an independent woman and then being desperately moany about not having a boyfriend and her attempts at online dating, very tedious as these were her main topics. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her that I'm a lesbian and had a girlfriend so she just assumed I was the same as her.

The novel writing wasn't totally a lie as I was writing a journal at the time.

Tell her you're married/have a partner and not interested in a new relationship.

i don’t quite know why I find it so unsettling. There was something a bit weird about it before that I thought on the first two occasions and then I learnt about this mutual acquaintance and it just doesn’t sit right

Can you give more information about the mutual person as this might put a different spin on things?