AIBU to ask how to get rid of this woman?

[Bananasplits2]

So this might sound a bit strange but I don’t really know what to make of this.

there’s a lovely cafe I go to. They’re very friendly and I enjoy going there most days for a drink - it’s my time to relax and just chill out. I often go there to work too and they’re very understanding. It’s not massive and I enjoy the bustle of people around me.

last year, a woman who was also there got talking to me and straightaway asked me for my number and said we should go walking. I was a bit taken aback but didn’t really know how to say and gave it to her. She got in touch and we did go for a walk, fine but to be honest I was a bit bored. She then invited me to meet a friend of hers for a drink in the pub a few weeks later. I was passing by and stopped - again fine. She then invited me for dinner with some other friends of hers. I said no, politely made an excuse.

if I’m honest, I think I one, don’t find her that interesting and a bit annoying and two, just thought it was strange that we don’t know each other that well but I’m being invited to meet ups with her good friend.

anyway, I bumped into her again and she insisted on walking with me and it turns out we know someone in common. This is someone I really don’t like and have had problems with in the past. It freaked me out that we knew this person and I decided to cut contact. The problem is she literally messages me asking to meet up. I ignore her. She then finds me in this cafe all the time and constantly asks me to come for dinner. I always say I’m busy and another time.

she definitely knows that I’m not keen I think as she even says you seem very busy and a few times has given me the side eye.

I haven’t been for ages and last week I bumped into her. I don’t feel like I can say please leave me alone. Im happy to say hello but I don’t want to be good friends and I don’t want to have dinner.

im pretty sure she knows this and yet just does not stop asking. It’s actually starting to piss me off but I can’t be doing with the aggro. I just wonder why she doesn’t find it slightly humiliating and if there is a nice way I can tell her not to ask me again.

Go somewhere els.

I'm really annoyed with myself. I feel like it's a good test of trying to establish firm boundaries but I seem to be failing.

I don't like being forced to be rude; that in itself makes me angry/annoyed/upset that I've been put in this position and I feel like I don't want to lower myself down to that standard. I need to be assertive but I feel she always catches me by surprise. She knows I don't like mutual friend because the first time she mentioned her I told her I didn't like her and why and then decided that actually was best for me to just cut this odd friendship anyway. the reason I'm even more annoyed now is that when I saw her last week, she mentioned this said person as she's recently done something she's been putting up all on Facebook.

I haven't seen her in ages as I haven't been going and when she saw me, she said 'oh I've been keeping an eye out for you, I haven't seen you in ages.' I didn't see her for a while before and when I saw her she said 'hello stranger, why aren't you replying to my messages, I thought you'd cleared out your friends list.'

It is really strange.

The thing that I think is my fault, is I do find it very hard to be rude to people - so face to face, I will smile say hello and make polite conversation. So I feel like that is my problem but at the same time, why do I have to be rude if that's not my style and I don't want to - and it is really obvious I don't want to meet up. I literally say no, can't, too busy all the time, don't reply to messages and the 'hello stranger', 'you never seem to be free for dinner' means she does realise that.

I should say as well, that at the end of last year, when I used to work there more, I literally had my laptop and said I'm working, can't talk and she said that's fine, sat opposite me and just went on her phone and tried to engage me in conversation but I gave one word answers. she's really thick skinned in that sense. In fact, last week I had my laptop out - tbf I do most times and she'll say how is work etc but I don't engage and just say fine and steer the conversation to banal things.

I could not go to that cafe and I haven't been going for weeks but I really resent having to change places because of someone else - I like that cafe, it's convenient for me, there's a reason I go there as it's a good distance away so I get a nice walk there. I often work from home, so it gives me structure and routine.

the other thing - and I'm trying to figure out why I feel like this - is I do have a slightly uncomfortable feeling around her, and I can tell that last year/start of this year when I was being much more blanky, she was quite sarcy when she saw me but still asking to meet up although because I've not seen her so often she seems back to trying to be very sweet - but I feel like there could be a side of her that's not very nice. Anyway, I'm rambling but the thing is whilst I do feel a bit uncomfortable with her, it's normally after she's gone that I feel very upset, angry almost - and feel quite cross that I've had to put up with her. I don't know why I don't feel like that during it but it's always afterwards that it makes me really annoyed.

like the fact that I'm typing this out a week later.

and to the person asking why I gave her my number, I know. I am an idiot but I also feel like I'm not sure I could've foreseen it. It was last year when we still sort of in lockdown and we just got chatting as I sat down near her and then she said we don't live too far, we should meet up for a walk. sigh. I don't really know how you can say no, I'm not giving you my number.

For next time you cut this off at the pass, the number thing.

"A walk sounds lovely but I'm all over the place at the moment with work so there's not much point us swapping numbers right now."

I should say as well, that at the end of last year, when I used to work there more, I literally had my laptop and said I'm working, can't talk and she said that's fine, sat opposite me and just went on her phone and tried to engage me in conversation but I gave one word answers. she's really thick skinned in that sense. In fact, last week I had my laptop out - tbf I do most times and she'll say how is work etc but I don't engage and just say fine and steer the conversation to banal things.

But you are engaging!

@Bananasplits2
You are contributing to this mess by your inability to understand that there is a difference between being rude and being assertive, plus your notion that you owe politeness to this rude and pushy woman.

Do not give one word answers to interruptions.
Don't steer the conversation to banal topics.

Your aim is no conversation whatsoever, right?
So do not exchange words with her. It takes two to have a conversation.

Just ignore her completely after you've told her you're working. Don't even look up. Put your headphones on. Do this while staring at her with an exasperated expression on your face if you must.

I wondered this …

I don’t know if she’s working for her. It would be weird. She might want to pass on gossip but I say very little.

I see what you’re saying about ignoring. I’ve only done that once when she brazenly sat down and I stared at my laptop and didn’t engage and she did leave. It’s exhausting to be like that. Oh god. I think I will just leave and not go back.

I have been in a very similar situation and I resorted to blocking her number. I still say hello when I see her but I then make it clear that I can’t stop to talk. She does the whole looking hurt thing and it does not bother me in the slightest.

I think you have to say something OP. Tell her you are not very good at being 'friends' with people. Tell her not to rely on you as you can't always manage to meet up. I do not know why people behave like this, but they do and it makes me never want to see them again ever. Just tell her.

I think you need to say something along the lines of “Look, I’m trying to work… You’re trying to distract me. Could you maybe get your own table please?”
And when she insists on walking/meeting up, etc… “To be honest, I have a lot going on atm, and would prefer to be alone with my thoughts. Walking, tea at the cafe, time in the park are my alone time.”

I have a local stranger/instant new bestie woman like this (who has inserted herself) in my life. It has been incredibly distressing. I have had to change my whole routine for several years now, to avoid her. She is relentless. I never gave her my phone number though, thank god. (She did track down my address. But I was so rudely abrupt and horrified when she showed up, she has not come back to 'visit' since.) I don't understand the motive, either. She is married with a huge extended family. It feels like being stalked.

I also hate being rude, assertive, etc. I think that's how they get you.

I hope this will work for the OP and it should work for most insistent people. Unfortunately I used almost the same message in my attempt to distance myself from someone similar to OP’s description and I had 5 more months of ‘Are you feeling better now?’ ‘Hi, I gave you some space, so hopefully we can now hang out again’ etc etc. Five. More. Months!!

I completely get you OP.
It helps me to just consider that this is not a first time for them - this is their MO. They will have gone through their life serially attempting to aggressively attach themselves to total strangers.
The fact she is an adult woman of a certain age still pursuing a friendship with a total stranger who has already given more than enough polite signs that she is not interested is a huge red flag.
There will have been plenty of other women before you who have already rejected her 'advances' so don't worry.
If she was such a great prospect as a friend, why doesn't she have one?
You are not being rude. She is! It's almost as though she sees you as her Quarry. A little challenge.
She knows you don't want to be friends, but to hell with what you want!

I had a similiar problem with an old friend. We used to go out drinking together in our mid 20s but then I had my DD and I grew up. His GF was pregnant at the same time as me but their DC was taken into care at birth.

He could iust not understand that things were now different. He'd drunkenly and repeatedly call me late at night/when I was at work or caring for DD wanting to have long conversations and pestering me to go out drinking - he was obsessed with trying to get my DH and I to go out for drinks with his girlfriend who has no social skills and is very difficult to be around.

I tried making excuses, I tried the whole "I have a lot on with work, DD, decorating the house" etc but all that happened was he'd message saying "Do you fancy a break from decorating with some drinks?" Even us becoming vegan didn't put him off 😂😂

I didn't want to ghost him because I used to bump into him and his GF at our local shopping centre where they hang around all day every day but then lockdown happened so I just ghosted him. It took about a year but he did give up eventually. If I do bump into him again and he invites me out I will just say "No thanks but you and GF enjoy".

Give some people an inch and they will take a mile. Like you I was upset and angry that he was being so socially backward but it did teach me a lesson about how important boundaries are.

BTW some of these comments Fe hilarious. Fake novel writing and Yemen 😂

She sounds like one of those people that try’s to get you to join Scientology . Initially conversation starts all normally (stops to say they like your dress/ask for directions etc)

go to the cafe, put headphones on, make short polite (no, bugger off)
responses to her

I have a new(ish) neighbour. She has temporarily moved in to do up the house. She rented it out previously. My good friend who lives up the street had already told me about her and how she always gets 'collared' by the neighbour. She'll tag along for dog walks, keep my friend talking for an hour, drop huge hints about getting together for a glass of wine. She is odd and inappropriate in the things she says.

I have a chronic illness and get tired easily so I have not been my usual friendly self at all. I am polite and say hi but I've definitely given the right vibe as she's stopped trying to invite me round.

It is about not people pleasing. I am learning but feels goods to not have to put up with this kind of thing. Me a few years ago would have been a total mug.

Could she be an mlm seller? They're really pushy and don't take no for an answer.

I would not have even gone for a walk with someone I'd just met in a cafe. That in itself is very wierd in my opinion. You have encouraged this wierd behaviour by going along with it. Just cut her off. Tell her your too busy to talk right now and go on your phone or laptop

There is part of me that is really angry that I gave her my number and went on a walk. I didn’t want to. I think I was a bit lonely myself/slightly taken aback. I really regret it now.

I do have a real problem with being seen as rude in the moment and am definitely too smiley/chatty/nice but it’s really leaving me upset.

I was thinking about blocking her. However I know next time I see her she will say, why aren’t you replying to my messages. She does it now but I say I’ve been too busy. If I block her she’ll know though as she sends them on WhatsApp and she won’t hesitate to ask.

a lot of this is about me. I just feel angry with myself. Angry I gave in at the beginning, angry that I have to be rude, angry that I’m not being allowed to be my polite smiley self without being walked all over, angry I can’t just get on with my day.

When you say you "gave in" at the beginning, how many times did she ask for your number? I can understand being broad-sided by it and how you've ended up with this situation, but how that also doesn't make it clear to the other person that you aren't looking to have her as a friend too.

I'd try and look at that sometimes you have to be the "bad guy" but that doesn't make you a bad person.

It's pointless being angry at yourself now. It's done now and you can learn from it. If I was you I'd avoid the café (I know it's annoying and you shouldn't have to but it seems like the easiest option until the situation has cooled off) ignore her messages and if you bump into her be polite bjt breezy and say you're in a rush and must dash. It might take a while but she WILL eventually get bored and move on. Being assertive doesn't come naturally to me either but it does get easier the more you do it.

How I look at it is, a woman is allowed to go on a walk or even a date with a man or even have sex with him, and then decide he is not for her. She's is not duty bound to entertain his presence in her life ever after, simply because she agreed to go for a walk or a coffee or a dinner date, etc.

I don't know what goes on in the minds of these pushy women, but they behave as if any basic social kindness is an opening to barge full-on into your life, without one's say; and are utterly impervious to social cues to back the fuck off.
The thick-skin is astounding.

I kept asking myself what signals I'd sent out, what I'd done wrong, what I could do to re-establish normal boundaries with me and my pursuing woman. But any attempts to set or reset boundaries was met with a further onslaught. I have no answers. Don't blame yourself, OP. Run! And avoid.

However I know next time I see her she will say, why aren’t you replying to my messages.

You could ask her "Why aren't you taking the hint?" or if you want to be more gentle "Why do you keep sending them when it's obvious I'm not interested?".

Instead of being angry with yourself, be angry with her. She's the one overstepping the mark, she's the one making you feel angry once you've had any interaction with her. She is not the friend/acquaintance for you - we can't get on with everyone.

Instead of saying can't, as in I can't do that, say don't. "I don't do dinner" end of sentence.

Don't be afraid of silences, if she says something you don't like you don't have to reply.

This is so odd all the way. From her approach to you giving a stranger your number then meeting her for a walk and then going to meet her and her friend for a drink. I honestly think you got yourself in this situation.

I agree. I feel like I did get myself in this situation. I just need to get myself out of it. I think though it’s a bit unfair to have met someone a few times and then feel bound to be in a friendship with them.

I think I will say next time, I don’t do dinner and I’m not available for the foreseeable so please don’t keep asking me as a PP said upthread and see how it goes from there.

I dont think you should be angry at yourself. Your response is quite normal. The woman sounds a bit unhinged and stalkerish.

I would be anxious about going there and wouldn't be comfortable working from there in case she turned up or was there. It is really hard to focus on work if you're wilfully ignoring someone.