AIBU to ask how to get rid of this woman?

[Bananasplits2]

So this might sound a bit strange but I don’t really know what to make of this.

there’s a lovely cafe I go to. They’re very friendly and I enjoy going there most days for a drink - it’s my time to relax and just chill out. I often go there to work too and they’re very understanding. It’s not massive and I enjoy the bustle of people around me.

last year, a woman who was also there got talking to me and straightaway asked me for my number and said we should go walking. I was a bit taken aback but didn’t really know how to say and gave it to her. She got in touch and we did go for a walk, fine but to be honest I was a bit bored. She then invited me to meet a friend of hers for a drink in the pub a few weeks later. I was passing by and stopped - again fine. She then invited me for dinner with some other friends of hers. I said no, politely made an excuse.

if I’m honest, I think I one, don’t find her that interesting and a bit annoying and two, just thought it was strange that we don’t know each other that well but I’m being invited to meet ups with her good friend.

anyway, I bumped into her again and she insisted on walking with me and it turns out we know someone in common. This is someone I really don’t like and have had problems with in the past. It freaked me out that we knew this person and I decided to cut contact. The problem is she literally messages me asking to meet up. I ignore her. She then finds me in this cafe all the time and constantly asks me to come for dinner. I always say I’m busy and another time.

she definitely knows that I’m not keen I think as she even says you seem very busy and a few times has given me the side eye.

I haven’t been for ages and last week I bumped into her. I don’t feel like I can say please leave me alone. Im happy to say hello but I don’t want to be good friends and I don’t want to have dinner.

im pretty sure she knows this and yet just does not stop asking. It’s actually starting to piss me off but I can’t be doing with the aggro. I just wonder why she doesn’t find it slightly humiliating and if there is a nice way I can tell her not to ask me again.

Don't feel angry at yourself OP, I can imagine myself having done the same as you. Women are often trained from girlhood to be nice to other people at their own expense. I've spent a fair bit of my adult life unlearning that behaviour.

Just take control now and don't be afraid to be rude if you have to be. She shouldn't even be sitting at the same cafe table as you if you're working! Ask her to sit at a different table as you're working (working to a deadline if you want to say that). It's crazy how we're reluctant to be rude to people who have effectively been very rude to us by disregarding our politely expressed wishes!

Take control, it's your life. Good luck!

Best advice so far!

Tell her you can't talk to her because the aliens who have taken over your brain won't allow it.

You seem exactly the same as me ,if you happen to bump into someone have a quick chat etc but not to get bound into a life long meet up twice a week etc. I like my space and to feel free to do my own thing but this person seems a bit full on tbh. Maybe you are not like me at all thats just a wild guess, I just don't like pressure

It's interesting. She's stamped on your boundaries and you're struggling to out them back. What you need to say is " I'm sorry but I don't want to chat. I come here to work. I don't wish to offend you but I don't want a friendship with you as I don't really feel we click/have anything in common".

If she is offended then it's basically her problem. You're not being nasty. Most friendships develop organically because you connect on some level. This lady is not socially skilled. That is sad but is her issue to deal with.

Recommended reading... "The Courage to be Disliked"

Absolute spot on!

Just keep saying no OP, she'll eventually get the hint 🤣🤣 xx

Honestly she sounds mentally ill and just needs to be told. No stories or elaborate lies. Just a nice clear "Leave me alone, I do not wish to talk to you." You can not be nice and polite and skirt around the issue.

Def let this be a lesson to not give your number to nutjobs lurking in cafes. Don't make eye contact and don't talk to creeps - of any gender.

She has no self awareness, her behaviour is very strange.

It was strange to begin with.

I think you're going to have to change cafés.

Some people are really pushy and it’s so hard getting them to back off. Her behaviour suggests desperation for contact so she’s probably been knocked back by other people.

Can you ‘lose’ your phone and change your number/WhatsApp? If you return to the cafe and she sees you, avoid pleasantries and tell her you’re on a tight deadline. Tell her not to sit at the table because it’s too distracting. Any suggestions of meet ups, meals etc are not possible. Don’t give a reason.

Her- hi! Blah blah

You- my walks and my time in this cafe are my time to be alone and reset. Please could you get your own table.

Her- you've been ignoring me

You- as I said, I need my own space and don't have time for a friendship

I’m currently in a very similar situation. Tell her you don’t have the time like you used to, work and life are getting busy and stressful and the small amount of spare time you get you like to be alone.

I don't like being forced to be rude; that in itself makes me angry/annoyed/upset that I've been put in this position and I feel like I don't want to lower myself down to that standard

But she is bring rude. She is trying to impose herself on you. I would just tell her to go away. But then I don't care about what strangers think of me, only people who matter.

People who insist on validation from other people are just as, if not more rude than, people who want to read their book and be left alone.

Great way to make enemies.

I’m not rude and so of course I say hello and make polite chit chat initiated by her

this is incredibly British - always polite but silently pissed off. You have some choices- change cafe, change your phone number and/or block her, and just say thanks for the invitation but no firmly. Make excuses and they catch up with you, as you have discovered. Just establish that boundary!!

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