AIBU to ask how to get rid of this woman?

[Bananasplits2]

So this might sound a bit strange but I don’t really know what to make of this.

there’s a lovely cafe I go to. They’re very friendly and I enjoy going there most days for a drink - it’s my time to relax and just chill out. I often go there to work too and they’re very understanding. It’s not massive and I enjoy the bustle of people around me.

last year, a woman who was also there got talking to me and straightaway asked me for my number and said we should go walking. I was a bit taken aback but didn’t really know how to say and gave it to her. She got in touch and we did go for a walk, fine but to be honest I was a bit bored. She then invited me to meet a friend of hers for a drink in the pub a few weeks later. I was passing by and stopped - again fine. She then invited me for dinner with some other friends of hers. I said no, politely made an excuse.

if I’m honest, I think I one, don’t find her that interesting and a bit annoying and two, just thought it was strange that we don’t know each other that well but I’m being invited to meet ups with her good friend.

anyway, I bumped into her again and she insisted on walking with me and it turns out we know someone in common. This is someone I really don’t like and have had problems with in the past. It freaked me out that we knew this person and I decided to cut contact. The problem is she literally messages me asking to meet up. I ignore her. She then finds me in this cafe all the time and constantly asks me to come for dinner. I always say I’m busy and another time.

she definitely knows that I’m not keen I think as she even says you seem very busy and a few times has given me the side eye.

I haven’t been for ages and last week I bumped into her. I don’t feel like I can say please leave me alone. Im happy to say hello but I don’t want to be good friends and I don’t want to have dinner.

im pretty sure she knows this and yet just does not stop asking. It’s actually starting to piss me off but I can’t be doing with the aggro. I just wonder why she doesn’t find it slightly humiliating and if there is a nice way I can tell her not to ask me again.

In my small town, it'd be a red flag that a stranger with a mutual friend I didn't get on with would suddenly come up and start treating me as a friend. Especially to constantly push to do stuff.

Don't engage in polite conversation, just greet her back if she says hi then go back to your work/phone. It might seem ignorant but you really do need to make sure you're wording that message correct or you'll get in trouble at work. Work's been so hectic lately, you really should focus and get this thing done ASAP. Cue stressed DontFknBotherMe face

Have you got a sister etc you can use to ring if you can see the woman on her way to the cafe door? Easier to not engage with someone if you're on a call.

I don’t understand how someone can’t get the hint and back off

Some people just lack social skills

It's not rude to say you have enough going on and don't wish to chat
Block her number
Personally I would just find another cafe
It's not 'me time" if it's interrupted

Op, I would just message her something like:

"Thank you for the kind invites but you're better not asking me going forward. I am really busy and never have the time! Hopefully will get to say hi if we ever bump into one another in the future! x"

Easy. Say 'I've realised I'm in love with you'. Bombard her with weird texts. You won't see her for dust.

Sorry Blackmagicqueen but no - That last line is unnecessary and again implies that OP would like to see her again in the future.

OP don’t make up bollox excuses, just say you don’t want company - especially if she tries to sit down next to her at the cafe.

”Thank you, no” is a complete response to any invitation - you are not obliged to give a reason and if someone pushes “I don’t want to” is another useful reply.

I enjoy speaking to strangers and can be something of a loony magnet but have become adept at deflecting invitations to swap numbers/meet again/attend the person’s church (!) with a big smile and a “Oh that’s very kind of you, but no”

you can be polite without being manipulated

Watch the movie called Greta (2018).

You will have zero issues being rude afterwards.

@NoseyNellie I would message that because i couldn't be so cruel to somebody. Op said she didn't mind saying hello if bumped into her but not to meet up afterall so all bases covered.

I've had this done to me...a mutual friends friend. My friend had a destination wedding, so we spent an entire week together. Her husband and mine got on brilliantly and I really liked this woman. She was so funny! And we seemed to hit it off.

I initiated a - hey, how are you? Be lovely to meet up, would you like to go for dinner at X so our DH's can continue their bro-mance? Haha.

She replied, hey, we're really busy and I can't see us being available any time soon. Hope everything well with you xx

Obviously, it stung and I couldn't really work out why after a great week we'd all had together that she wouldn't want to meet up. But guess I'm not her kind of person and it was all a bit of a pretend for the sake of the bride? Who knows.

Anyway, obviously I never asked again! We're both still friends with the mutual friend, if our paths crossed there wouldn't be any animosity- but it was a pretty clear - not interested response- so maybe my upset can be your resolve (haha) and you can use the text I received to swerve her?

"But no" wouldn't work for me but each each to their own.

I’m actually really surprised you think my response is cruel - is it cruel to tell someone you don’t want to be friends?

My experience with people who do not understand social queues (or take hints, if you prefer) is that you need to set clear boundaries or they can keep pushing for more contact/friendship, as the OP has found.

I would always prefer to be clear upfront than end up asking strangers on the internet how to dump someone 😳😁

Tell her you are too busy.
Wear headphones and tell her you are studying and cannot be disturbed
Tell her you are just wanting to spend time alone

Good for you @NoseyNellie everybody is entitled to their own opinion. I do agree on the social cue comment but think op has to tell her she is too busy first.

"I mean no offense here, but I prefer to spend my spare time on my own, and while I hate to disappoint you all the time, you're going to get the same answer from me to your invitations. It's been nice getting to know you all the same. Wishing you well for whatever life holds in store for you". [Sign off]

Any chance she’s fallen for you romantically?

Find another cafe

I was friends with one of the mums from school but after she did a couple of things I couldn't forgive her for I ghosted her. She kept on trying to speak to me at school & I just blanked her, it took a couple of weeks but she finally got the message.

Maybe have a copy of The Watchtower on the table next time she approaches. Say something about inviting her to church?

Tell her you've met a new partner and therefore feel it wrong to continue the friendship. Hopefully problem solved. X

She probably has low self esteem and thinks of she just tries hard enough she can convince you to be her best bosom pal.

It takes a certain amount of self acceptance to accept the rejection of others.

You've done nothing wrong and I expect you know it will hurt her to be blunt but anything else will just give false hope.

Either be direct, keep up what you are doing or do something weird, annoying or offensive. Tell her you think people who do [insert something she likes doing] are weird, tell her in minute detail about a trivial problem over and over and dont be derailed, just turn the conversation back to you and your problem until she gets bored. Dont get drawn into social norms of listening and discussing a topic shes brought up.

'It turns out we know someone in common ... this is someone I really don't like and have had problems with in the past'.

This would make me wonder.

Is this woman aware of the issues between you and this mutual acquaintance? Is this part of why she is trying to be friendly with you: either in order to try and get to the bottom of what happened for her own interest, or does she have a sort of 'Frenemy' relationship with that other person, and will take pleasure from telling her that she is now friends with you? I may be reading too much into this!! If you don't want to tell her directly to leave you alone, I think what I would do is next time she approaches you, just stop what do you are doing, acknowledge her in a non-friendly way, and then leave.

You say you sometimes work there? I would always take a laptop and just briefly say "Hi" and then go back to your laptop and completely ignore her. As for the walks, meals, etc, it sounds as if you might have to spell it out -"Sorry, I just don't want to."

Do you live in a small community, OP?

I only ask because I cannot make what you said about how the relationship started fit any context that I recognise.

"last year, a woman who was also there got talking to me and straightaway asked me for my number and said we should go walking. I was a bit taken aback but didn’t really know how to say and gave it to her. She got in touch and we did go for a walk"

I can't picture any scenario in which I immediately hand over my phone number to a stranger and THEN follow through and go for a walk with said random stranger.

So I am asking for the context of where you live to make the story more believable understandable.