To let my 10yr old go on a day out with a friends family?

[MavisMonkey]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable or DH is.

Last week my 10 yr old DS was invited to a birthday day out for one of his best friends. DS friend's family will be taking the birthday boy, my son and one other friend along on a day out- think something like a theme park, visiting a tourist attraction kind of thing. We are not invited as the parents, just the kids. The venue is around a 50 minute drive from where we live and they will be out all day- DS is getting picked up at 11 and likely dropped back at around 7pm.

For context the kids have been friends for the last few years so I only know the other family in so much as that our kids are friends, the parents don't stay when the kids come round to each other's houses and we don't socialise together - so I guess they are friendly acquaintances to us more than anything.

When my DS was invited I thought it sounded like a lovely day, DS was super keen to go and so I agreed, sorted all the arrangements etc. All good until last night when my DH got wind of the exact details of the day out and he had a major problem with our DS going.

He is super uncomfortable with our DS being driven on a long journey and then being under the care / supervised all day by "strangers". He says how do we know these people will watch him properly? How do we know they won't drink drive etc? He doesn't want me to cancel it but has basically said he will be worried sick and anxious all day until DS returns home.
I think he's being ridiculously OTT and this is part of growing up and something we have to deal with as parents. He thinks I should never have agreed this as our DS is too young.

So basically the AIBU is:
YABU: I am too lax in my parenting and should not have allowed my DS to join this day out.
YANBU: DH is overreacting and it is reasonable to let a 10 yr old to join his friends family on a day out.

My response would very much depend on the parents. Possibly also on the car they drive.

It's rather extreme for your DH to be imagining all of these (unlikely) scenarios. He sounds very anxious, but then I can be a bit like this so I do understand.

If your child was like 4/5 and was prone to running off, not listening then I might be inclined to agree. But not at 10 yrs old.

balalake · Today 09:21
My response would very much depend on the parents. Possibly also on the car they drive“

that was a consideration for us, too.

This is , as per pps completely normal and when my DC were young happened much earlier than 10 yo.
Our responsibility to help our DC to grow up and make choices.Very soon he will be conveying himself to school , making friends and socialising with people that you really don't know at all.Help your DH to think of your DS here and his development.I'm rather anti young DC having mobiles but would it help your DH if he had one on his person?

If the kids have been visiting each other houses without incident for a couple of years, I'd have no problem with it.
I was a bit twitchy about DS getting a similar invite at the same age from a family I barely knew, but it ended up falling on DSs birthday, and he decided he didnt want to go. Having met the family a bit more, I'm relieved it didnt happen. His other mates, us have no issue.

I would use this incident to gently encourage him to seek therapy for his anxiety. I know it will be hard going because of his mum, but he deserves better than a life beset by constant fear.

Where exactly are they going and how long will it take to get there?

Its def normal. My 9 year old went on a 4 day camping trip with his friend in May. Hes off on a school residential next week. My 6 year old is now starting with the beginnings of this too, starts as play dates, moves to sleepovers and days out then holidays etc.

Its part of growing up and you do it gradually to build their independence. I get anxious every time it moves up a notch but they have so much fun, its worth it to see their happy little face when they get home!

Do you have other kids? You might say, we'll follow you on our car, because other DC would love that, so we'll tag along but be in the distant background, so you'll not even know we're there but available to help.

Please don’t follow this suggestion. It’ll completely undermine the parents and will say to your son that he can’t enjoy time with a friend for his birthday without the rest of you being there. And if word got about that you had done this, other parents would likely be reluctant to invite your son anywhere in future as you’d have gained the reputation that you don’t trust others.

A perfectly normal thing for a 10 year old to be doing! Your DH is being crazy.

He's being ott. Let your son have a fab day

@MavisMonkey

we took my godson & his little pal camping when they were 3. Your DH would really freak out!!

Hiwever, after a lifetime if his neurotic mother, his attitude is hardly surprising! Poor sod. Not today while he's in panic mode, but maybe tomorrow when everything's calm, DS has had a lovely day with his friend etc you need to make him see that he needs help for his anxiety he cannot inflict years of this on your DS as his mother has on him.

you need to make sure he gets help.

He's over reacting. Don't let your son miss out on the fun

I'd be fine with it. My 8 year old dd went for a day out with friends recently. I knew the family, she loved it. Think he is overreacting.

Erm...he needs to step back a bit from his mum. That's really not normal and her anxiety has clearly impacted on him. Definitely not rational to expect him to text her to say he's arrived at work, and by pandering to that he's validating her.

I have sympathy for your DH.

I think you/him need to look to your actual child. How responsible and sensible is he? Does he have a phone and a way of contacting you? And he needs a chat about being sensible at the attraction - listening to instructions from the grown ups, following the adults (not walking off), being well behaved, following safety instructions and feeling confident to speak up if something doesn't seem right (he doesn't feel strapped down in a ride) etc etc

I had my 10yr old nephew to stay at half-term. We did all sorts of things. He's not the brightest, has ADHD and is quite hyperactive but each morning we set the scene about the days activity, expected behaviour (e.g there's going to be alot of people at XYZ so you can't wander off) and he behaved lovely (better than he would with his parents, haha).

So I have sympathy with your DH and the anxiety he's experiencing but instead of trying to rationalise how fit and proper the parents are - it's about having trust in your son - that e.g if he saw them drinking alcohol he would text and tell you.

He's massively OTT unless there's a backstory about the parents drink driving or something in the past.

Both you and your husband have my sympathies. My sister suffers from anxiety and can find something to worry about in everything. It's absolutely exhausting for her...and everybody else. She knows she's being unreasonable but her fears won't let her stop worrying. At least your husband recognises his problem, I guess that's the first step to overcoming it.

YANBU. This is totally standard parenting at 10 years old. Your DH’s anxiety is his own issue to deal with. I’d be VERY firm with my DH on that point if he said anything like that.

Total over reaction, DD is an only I've been taking her BF out with us on days out since she was about 7, in fact I keep a booster seat in the back of the car just for her.

A perfectly normal thing at that age (or even younger) and your DH is being utterly ridiculous, unless there were any valid reason to worry about the friends parents of course.

I will ask for a few pics / updates throughout the day.

I think even this is a little bit ott, op! How annoying to have to ‘check in’ with you periodically on a day out!

It's a good argument for getting a phone when they start getting more independent.

DD13 and I have the Life360 app so we know where each other is. She's had one since year 6 so she can contact me etc as they start doing these outings.

Not everyone is on board with these apps but my DD wanted us to have it.

My own Ddad has anxiety, depression and paranoia, was unmedicated until my 20s. Had it not been for my mum fighting my corner I would never have been allowed out to sports and cadet clubs. My dad worked nights so wasn't completely aware of my social activities but there were often arguments when he was. I was allowed to my friends houses only if I was picked up by my parents, my dad had the car and I had a younger brother so was always picked up by 6:30. I was never allowed on sleepovers. The first time I went to town on my own was on my first day of work at 16, my peers had been going shopping and to the cinema for years.

By the time I had DD my Ddad had been medicated for several years and was all for advocating her doing X, Y and Z club. "She should be going out and playing with the other children etc you shouldn't baby her".

I know he was being loving and caring in his own way when I was younger but those missed childhood and teen shared experiences meant that I never really developed strong peer relationships. He has since apologised for his "crazy ways". But advocating for your DC to have normal experiences is so important.

Unless there is a real reason not to trust the parents then your DH needs to relax.
We took one of DS's friends on a long day out to London (from the rural Midlands) at that age. His parents were extremely grateful that we gave their DS the opportunity as it was not a trip they felt able to do themselves.
I spent half the trip trying not to lose their DS in the underground stations without appearing to be over protective.

I'm sure your DS will have a great time. As others have said, by year 7 he will be going out with friends you have never met and parents you never have contact with.