To let my 10yr old go on a day out with a friends family?

[MavisMonkey]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable or DH is.

Last week my 10 yr old DS was invited to a birthday day out for one of his best friends. DS friend's family will be taking the birthday boy, my son and one other friend along on a day out- think something like a theme park, visiting a tourist attraction kind of thing. We are not invited as the parents, just the kids. The venue is around a 50 minute drive from where we live and they will be out all day- DS is getting picked up at 11 and likely dropped back at around 7pm.

For context the kids have been friends for the last few years so I only know the other family in so much as that our kids are friends, the parents don't stay when the kids come round to each other's houses and we don't socialise together - so I guess they are friendly acquaintances to us more than anything.

When my DS was invited I thought it sounded like a lovely day, DS was super keen to go and so I agreed, sorted all the arrangements etc. All good until last night when my DH got wind of the exact details of the day out and he had a major problem with our DS going.

He is super uncomfortable with our DS being driven on a long journey and then being under the care / supervised all day by "strangers". He says how do we know these people will watch him properly? How do we know they won't drink drive etc? He doesn't want me to cancel it but has basically said he will be worried sick and anxious all day until DS returns home.
I think he's being ridiculously OTT and this is part of growing up and something we have to deal with as parents. He thinks I should never have agreed this as our DS is too young.

So basically the AIBU is:
YABU: I am too lax in my parenting and should not have allowed my DS to join this day out.
YANBU: DH is overreacting and it is reasonable to let a 10 yr old to join his friends family on a day out.

I can’t believe you agreed for your DS to go on this trip with this family and didn’t tell your DH the details until the night before?
would you be ok with him going the same?

You’re DH is being totally unreasonable.

our DDs frequently did this.

I make decisions all the time about our DC. Why a debate?

I think he knows he's being irrational as I said well do you want me to cancel it and he said no, and he knows that his level of anxiety over these things is not usual but the fact that he articulated this one so strongly made me have a double check.

DS has been out and about with these friends before- soft play, park, restaurant in the past. I think it's the outdoor, lower supervision nature of todays outing that's kicked him up a year in the anxiety stakes.

As many have said DS will be off to secondary in the not too distant future so we will have to deal with this type of think daily soon enough.
Now I've been reassured I'm in the right I will go and gently explain to him that he needs to deal with it as it's his issue and I will ask for a few pics / updates throughout the day.

Perfectly normal for children to take a friend, some <whispers so your DH doesn't overhear> even go for weekends or holidays with friends' families.

Your DH is being very weird.

Umm yes I would be fine with it?! 😂

He sometimes arranges things without telling me eg I'm taking DS to watch a match or DD is going round to PILs for the day. I'm just happy if the kids are happy and bonus if I get a child free day.

He knew DS was spending the day with other family and before I accepted the invite I double checked with DH it didn't clash with any other family plans / commitments. DH was fine with that, freaked out when he was told where they were going.

He is being unreasonable.

It's a totally normal thing for a child to be doing. We took many of DD's friends out for day trips when she was younger and she went with her friends too.

Once he had been in secondary for a year or so he is likely to be out and about without adults being there either so this is a gentle start to that gradual independence.

How is he going to cope in a year or two when DS goes on residential for a whole week?

YANBU.

Your DH is being ridiculous. YANBU

If these people were drinkers or generally irresponsible around the children you would have heard about it by now.

I think calling him a twat is a bit much. He didn't demand you cancel he just said he will be a wreck until he is home.

However he is being unreasonable and I'd advise he looks into this whilst your DS is still young. The anxiety as the get more freedom will only snowball otherwise.

Given he acknowledges he is over-anxious, can you use this to encourage him to get treatment?

My 6 year old went to the 02 on a Sunday evening with another family and I went to Wembley arena to see East 17 with another family when I was 8. It's very normal!

YANBU. The only thing I used to check about was car seats, as not all parents were as strict as us and/or didn’t have spares - I asked once whether a parent would be able to provide a car seat for their daughter (age 8ish) who we were taking somewhere and they laughed and said they didn’t even use one for younger sibling aged 3/4ish. I decided at that point that I wouldn’t let DD go anywhere with them.

DC are now teenagers and I would worry if eg going for party or sleepover at house where we didn’t know parents as would want to be sure that there was some control about alcohol and mixed sex staying over and that parents would be around. I trust my DC (neither drink which helps) but worry about a party getting out of hand.

Of course you should let him go, unless you have any actual reason to think these parents aren't trustworthy (and if I'm right in understanding he's been to their house before, I'm assuming no concerns were raised from that?). It is understandably hard sometimes to let them do something they haven't done before and normal to FEEL anxious, but your DH needs to start stretching what he will let him do gradually in the run up to secondary school where, as others have said, you might not even meet the parents and they'll have a lot more independence on school trips etc. There will always be 'what ifs' but you need to look at the likely odds of those things actually happening and rationalise it.

I am a bit surprised at all the people who are shocked he's never been on a big day out with a friend before though. I don't think my 12 yo ever has (although she has been on short local trips, been to houses, parties etc of course). There has generally been less socialising in the last over 2 years due to covid, and you need a certain sort of friend to do that kind of thing, e.g. Close enough to pick you as their one friend to come, few enough siblings that they can fit you in the car / feel able to supervise extra kids, parents who are sociable enough to want someone from outside the family with them on a special day out, and most of all families who can afford what can be very expensive days out, particularly as if you are inviting others you may not feel comfortable asking their parents to pay.

So try not to feel bad about everyone saying he should have done this before. I think (hope) it's normal that not everyone has that sort of social life!

Your DH needs therapy if he’s so anxious that he thinks a 10-year-old is too young to travel in a friend’s car and have a day out at a theme park with them. That’s mad.

Of course your son should go.

Is there a reason the travelling in a car is causing this anxiety?

YANBU. Your DH needs to learn to let go.

DH is overreacting.

Child should go on day out.

Why on earth would that be a problem 🤣

Most parents trust each other to make leisure arrangements for their children without having to be told all the details. If you don't, you have a problem.

He's definitely overreacting. I remember doing this sort of thing at that age...going to the beach or theme park with a friend's family.

It's really good learning for your DS to see how another family does things and it's independence away from you.

I'm sure he'll have a lovely time.

Your dh is being ridiculous. This is a very normal thing for 10 year old to do.

Surely this is normal parenting? Do you run everything by the other parent before agreeing?