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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another DP and bill split one-DLA

92 replies

Toadwhale · 24/06/2022 21:24

DP works 9-5, Mon-Fri
I work 10pm-7am 2 Monday and Wednesday nights.

Take home for DP is between 1500-1700 p/m
Take home for me is between 600-800 p/m

DP pays rent at 520- sends me 300 towards other bills.
All other bills come out of my account- WiFi, council tax, kids amazon subs, ect.

So total estimate he pays 800, my total comes to 560.

So he should be left with approx 900 a month after bills where i am left with 300.

Food shopping is split between us and is a constant argument as to who pays more towards food bills.

DP wants a serious chat and reconfigure about our finances, but from the maths I've done we're even with what we put in considering what we each get paid?

Have 3 DC, 2 not school age (1 preschool part time) so me not working day shifts means we have 0 childcare costs as I'm around for all school/preschool runs.

I don't get to catch up on sleep during the day as I have the two little ones. Will go to bed at normal time after a night shift- generally approaching 24 hours without sleep by the time I get to crash.

So my AIBU- 1 DC recently got awarded middle rate DLA. This gets paid to me as I am the main carer and with him 90% of the time.
DP is demanding we split this money as he needs it for bills. I say no, it's for DC, trips to parks, duck feed, food and drink out, SEND sessions ect

YABU- It's to share

YANBU- it's for the benefit of the child and he is the higher earner so should be able to cope as it is

OP posts:
wineandsunshine · 24/06/2022 21:27

I agree with you - that money is for your child's needs NOT for his bills.

Fwiw - I get DS's disability benefit and put £50 into an ISA per month and the rest into a normal savings for things he may need.

On a side note, why does he need this anyway when his excess is so high?

hearmywomanlyroar · 24/06/2022 21:27

So he already has £900 spare each month but wants to take extra money from you that's meant for your child? What a charmer!

I would go back to work full time now. You're not married so no legal protections. Let him pay half the cost of childcare if he wants everything 50/50.

hearmywomanlyroar · 24/06/2022 21:29

Also- on the day after your night shift why isn't he taking over with the kids when he gets home from work, so you can have an early night and catch up on sleep?

Ponoka7 · 24/06/2022 21:29

Are the children his? This is shocking and I'd be planning on splitting.

420Bruh · 24/06/2022 21:31

What's he doing with his 900? You are in a vulnerable position unmarried while he feathers his nest on your unpaid childcare. Find some nursery figures for your little ones to show him what you're saving then suggest he pays more. What you're paying right now is not fair at all.

greatblueheron · 24/06/2022 21:32

He's not paying enough proportionally.

That money is for the child, not more money for his already disproportionate 'extra' at the end of each month.

ZaraSizeMedium · 24/06/2022 21:33

I can only assume that one or two of the children aren’t his for him to have the attitude that he has £900 a month spends while you only have £300 and you have to use that to fund daytime activities with the 2 children who aren’t at school.

Original poster
Toadwhale · 24/06/2022 21:35

He thinks he should pay me less towards bills because approx 120 of the 560 I pay are my own bills and not household- eg phone bill, kindle ect

So in his mind his 300 means he pays the majority of the bills

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadwhale · 24/06/2022 21:35

1 dc isn't his. The other 2 are.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 24/06/2022 21:38

I think you would be much better off financially splitting from this prince, and getting child support from him and UC. That he wants your child's disability money to fund his lifestyle is sickening.

EinsteinaGogo · 24/06/2022 21:39

Oh love, he's a shit.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 24/06/2022 21:39

And start invoicing him for his 50% of the childcare you do.

oldageprancer · 24/06/2022 21:39

I'd spend DLA on family and bills, not just one child.
Apart from that ... the situation sounds very 'separate' and not doing you any favours short or long term.
Why not married? Why not joint account? Would you actually be better off financially if you split up .. single parent plus maintenance?

EinsteinaGogo · 24/06/2022 21:41

It doesn't sound like you have a lot of money as a family, to be honest, but what there is should be split equally / appropriately.

You sound like superwoman with your nightshifts followed by childcare, by the way, you must be on your bloody knees 💕💕💕

Summerlovin20 · 24/06/2022 21:42

Hell no, that money is for your child and whatever they need. What a disgraceful man.

Nat6999 · 24/06/2022 21:43

You would be financially better off without him, you have £300 a month left, he has £900 & then he wants part of dc DLA, if he was a caring man he would be giving you £300 a month. Tell him to either cough up or jog on.

Original poster
Toadwhale · 24/06/2022 21:50

He wants a joint account, I refuse until marriage. I have little control as it is with having to do night shifts to have my own income and not just "pocket money " from him. So no joint account until there's some contract there if he decides to strop off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadwhale · 24/06/2022 21:52

DLA doesn't just go on the one DC, other two are often with me so if going somewhere with costs to get in/ do something/eat its obviously x3

OP posts:
BackToTheTop · 24/06/2022 22:03

hearmywomanlyroar · 24/06/2022 21:27

So he already has £900 spare each month but wants to take extra money from you that's meant for your child? What a charmer!

I would go back to work full time now. You're not married so no legal protections. Let him pay half the cost of childcare if he wants everything 50/50.

This with bells on it!

LittleOwl153 · 24/06/2022 22:09

My view - assuming all the kids are his as you don't mention getting maintenance to add to the pot - you are earning 30% of the household wage so should pay 30% of the household bills so he is already short changing you given you are shouldering most of the childcare.

You should be paying around £414 of the bills with him picking up the rest. I'd say the same split should apply to the food bill AND anything the DC need.

As a recipient of DLA for a child it is meant for the child's expenses over and above that of a 'normal' child of the same age. So unless it's part of a specific need "trips to parks, duck feed, food and drink out" are household expenses (which he should contribute to.

SEND sessions ect are absolutely what it's for, and extra clothes if the kid goes through more than average due to needs or needs specialist equipment, my dd's for example has paid for physio, some additional educational assessments she needed to sort out school, some extra coaching, extra bedding, a specialist car seat, swimming lessons, extra school uniform/pe kit, a laptop, several tablets, 'activity' watches that can have reminders set and so many other things. There are also some savings to support bigger costs as they gets bigger.
Costs can also be additional care needs - so if you spend extra time caring for him it should supplement your wage.

What it isn't for is for his dad to spend on whatever he feels like if he does none of the extra work associated with caring for a disabled child. He can keep his hands off!

caringcarer · 24/06/2022 22:11

Don't let his steal money meant for his disabled child. That is appalling. Any child benefit and DLA is for children not adults. Why not send children and to nursery and m aske him pay half. Then you could work a bit more and earn more for yourself.

RandomMess · 24/06/2022 22:12

In a family unit the adults have equal spending money regardless of who earns what, the same way you should have equal free time!!

It sounds one sided and yes DLA is to help with additional costs die to having a DC with additional needs.

kitchenplans · 24/06/2022 22:13

Presumably he has his own bills to pay on top of his £820 contribution to the joint expenses. You make a £440 contribution to the joint expenses and then pay your own bills on top. It's not miles out if you're paying proportionately to income, but is still weighted in his favour. And I wouldn't generally say that a proportional split is fair, it should be equal spending money after all bills are paid.

Personally, since you have a low family income, I'd expect DLA to be added to the family pot. All family bills, including all child related spends and disability related spends, to come out of the pot, and then you and DH get say £100/m each for personal spending money. I can't really see how a family of 5 on that income has enough left at the end of each month for anyone to have much personal money tbh.

LittleOwl153 · 24/06/2022 22:13

OK so I can't type quick enough... is the kid entitled to the DLA his? If not he's even more pathetic.

Ditch him. You are being financially abused. And he is trying it on with abusing your kid financially too.

LittleOwl153 · 24/06/2022 22:33

I've just run your figures through the benefit calculator, assuming you pay no childcare you could claim around £1500 a month on top of your wages including paying your rent if you were to ditch this money grabbing looser. And he'd have to hand you around £300 a month too...

Another thought - as you currently are you could clip your hours slightly to earn less than £572 a month and claim £70 a week carers too....