Another DP and bill split one-DLA

[Toadwhale]

DP works 9-5, Mon-Fri
I work 10pm-7am 2 Monday and Wednesday nights.

Take home for DP is between 1500-1700 p/m
Take home for me is between 600-800 p/m

DP pays rent at 520- sends me 300 towards other bills.
All other bills come out of my account- WiFi, council tax, kids amazon subs, ect.

So total estimate he pays 800, my total comes to 560.

So he should be left with approx 900 a month after bills where i am left with 300.

Food shopping is split between us and is a constant argument as to who pays more towards food bills.

DP wants a serious chat and reconfigure about our finances, but from the maths I've done we're even with what we put in considering what we each get paid?

Have 3 DC, 2 not school age (1 preschool part time) so me not working day shifts means we have 0 childcare costs as I'm around for all school/preschool runs.

I don't get to catch up on sleep during the day as I have the two little ones. Will go to bed at normal time after a night shift- generally approaching 24 hours without sleep by the time I get to crash.

So my AIBU- 1 DC recently got awarded middle rate DLA. This gets paid to me as I am the main carer and with him 90% of the time.
DP is demanding we split this money as he needs it for bills. I say no, it's for DC, trips to parks, duck feed, food and drink out, SEND sessions ect

YABU- It's to share

YANBU- it's for the benefit of the child and he is the higher earner so should be able to cope as it is

from a different perspective...

he looks after the children when you work. well he mainly listens to them sleep and won't care for them whilst op sleeps as he can't possibly look after his own kids. So op is going 24 hours without sleep regularly to save him from having to care for his kids and the one he CHOSE to take on.

Three children makes holidays, cars, housing etc a lot more expensive- so the family costs are higher. presumably they both decided to take the children's numbers up to 3?

Its up to the OP to sort out CM with her ex- he has no control over this yet, financially, it impacts him. OP hasn't said she CBA to claim it, its highly likely she has no say over it either. It's crap but unless they moved in together on the understanding that he would make no financial contribution to HER child, he chose to take on this child.

i agree that it’s tricky because 1DC isn’t his so he doesn’t need to pay for them. Obviously in an ideal world he wouldn’t mind just splitting but it doesn’t sound like that’s where you are.
why not suggest you return to work full time mon-fri and then you both split childcare costs? See how he reacts to that.
As for the DLA, that could cover childcare for that DC. I don’t really agree it should be paid on food/days out. If there are currently no additional costs for DC’s disability then I’d be putting it away for when there is. SEND sessions, transport to appointments or places where the disability make other transport difficult, equipment, anything to help that DC with their disability yes but duck feed, food out for all of you no. That’s not really an extra cost because of their disability.

He works during the day- so can't look after them during the day- unless he was to give up his job. She is at home so she parents during the day. Its rubbish that she is awake after her night shift- but there are 2 alternatives- kids go into childcare or he stays home. Its up to them to work out which is better for them as a family- not only financially but other aspects

'wont care for them'- um he works during the day. ?! (see above...)

It takes recognition of family contribution on both parts to work out how to split out the finances.

HIM: Working full time 5 days- plus two nights sole care.
HER: Working two nights but sole care 5 days

Dla is the child's money. Neither yours or his and especially not for his bills. YANBU.

If you did do that and dwp found out it'd be classed as fraud.

The DLA is your child's not his.What a cheeky bastard.

Are you earning more than £132.00 a week after tax,NI,other deductions?;if you aren't then your entitled to carers which is £69.00 a week;tbh you could cut back your hours and claim carers allowance and not be financially worse off so at least you could get some more rest.

Let me guess?;you end up doing most if not all of the childcare,cleaning,cooking,laundry etc right?

The split of money is not proportionate to your earnings.

Do you child benefit and tax credits?

he isn’t entitled to any of that and I would be very careful about giving him any of it. We all get the letter and it states that isn’t your money or your partners, you are basically there to receive it in your bank and allocate it to your sons needs. The dla could come back to you at anytime and ask where that money has gone. It states in the letter that it is there claim not yours and they can come back and look at that claim at any time.

I agree with this.

op, absolutely go straight to bed when he gets home. Madness that you've not been doing that anyway.

a gold digger? On his salary?! That’s hilarious and an indication of his attitude towards women more than anything else. He has no respect for women.

youve said he is doing next to no childcare, as, let’s face it, he isnt doing much childcare between the hours of 10pm and 7am is he! What is he contributing?

And why is your ex not paying cm? Get it directly from his wage.

Okay, will try and respond to most

Should have maybe explained more- Duck feed is for DC and is a sensory outing for him, scattering things is a hot passion but duck feed is a good directive to go down as opposed to what he'd do to fulfill his needs otherwise- cat biscuits, stones, dust, anything small and pebbly gets thrown and scattered! It's one of his absolute favourite things to do and a simple trip to feed the ducks can fulfill many of his sensory needs.

DC also has an oral fixation so constantly has something in his mouth (normally juice but can never seem to take enough out with us)!

DP did indeed agree to take on another child when he moved in with us, I had my own rental.with DC1 and he moved in with us under no confusion that it was all or nothing. 7 years later and here we are.

I am chasing for child maintenance, will attach pics of the pathetic amount ex is supposed to pay but doesnt- lucky to get one small payment a year.

Can't cut down shifts at the moment though that may be an option in the future

@LilyMarshall
Child maintenance are useless unfortunately, he's supposed to have been taken to court ect over this and they have power to take directly from wages/any other income at all but they don't. Chase and chase but nothing

Child maintenance is a nightmare even if they do make payment, if one month it’s more then the schedule then child maintenance will keep it in there accounts. I’ve closed down my case at least 4 times due to this to get them to release the payment to me. I wouldn’t count it at all in your income as it’s not guaranteed and they can drop the amount to nil at any time. Search chewbuddys on Amazon they are great for that sensory seeking orally. My son chews a lot so constantly goes through these.
don’t give into your dp he has enough of an income and he agreed to take on dc1 when he got into a relationship with you. I’ve been in a relationship like this and sadly they never change, it is financial abuse and you deserve better. He needs to also know you won’t put up with this and he needs to knuckle down and chip in.

DLA should be spent securing services and/or supports to meet the child's additional needs. DLA is intended to support everyday living. It can be spent on a range of activities and equipment to meet the child's additional needs. It can be spent on additional household expenses such as laundry and heating costs. It can be spent on replacing clothing, shoes, glasses etc if excessive wear and tear/destructive behaviour is indicated. Examples of hidden costs include additional wear and tear on domestic appliances e.g. washing machine, tumble drier, damage to property etc.

Given I'm allowed to use it to cover extra costs of washing and wear and tear on my washing because for various reason he vomits more than a typical child, which also wears clothes out more so can use it for clothing, and can put it towards the extra electricity costs for example, I'd love to know how you think they would expect that to be recorded and monitored.

I think separate finances are just as valid as joint accounts (we're only just considering joint accounts after 20 years together, and only for ease of paying a particular bill!)

However, if separate it has to work for both of you. He earns 68% of the overall income so should pay 68% of the bills. Based on the roughly £1360 you've mentioned, he's already underpaying by about £65 a month.

What happens in the months when your collective earnings are at the lower end of the scale? It would leave you with practically nothing? I don't understand relationships in which 1 person is happy to see the other struggle financially whilst they remain in comfort themselves.

The DLA is for the child. As you're the one with the children most of the time it makes logical sense for it to sit with you.

This isn’t what he is asking though. Her partner wants it to boost his extra income. If it was to provide for her child it would be stated but it is not. Whether it can be proven that the partner is spending it on the child or not it shouldn’t just be halved and given half to the partner because he says so.

Again Dla can be used for bills, it can be used for anything that benefits the child ,so if it benefits the child to have at least one parent available all the time ,then it can go towards off setting ,wages the parent would be receiving, obviously I agree the Op,s partner .

If you did do that and dwp found out it'd be classed as fraud.

why do people spout shit like this?

Because they're fortunate enough to have no clues.