Another DP and bill split one-DLA

[Toadwhale]

DP works 9-5, Mon-Fri
I work 10pm-7am 2 Monday and Wednesday nights.

Take home for DP is between 1500-1700 p/m
Take home for me is between 600-800 p/m

DP pays rent at 520- sends me 300 towards other bills.
All other bills come out of my account- WiFi, council tax, kids amazon subs, ect.

So total estimate he pays 800, my total comes to 560.

So he should be left with approx 900 a month after bills where i am left with 300.

Food shopping is split between us and is a constant argument as to who pays more towards food bills.

DP wants a serious chat and reconfigure about our finances, but from the maths I've done we're even with what we put in considering what we each get paid?

Have 3 DC, 2 not school age (1 preschool part time) so me not working day shifts means we have 0 childcare costs as I'm around for all school/preschool runs.

I don't get to catch up on sleep during the day as I have the two little ones. Will go to bed at normal time after a night shift- generally approaching 24 hours without sleep by the time I get to crash.

So my AIBU- 1 DC recently got awarded middle rate DLA. This gets paid to me as I am the main carer and with him 90% of the time.
DP is demanding we split this money as he needs it for bills. I say no, it's for DC, trips to parks, duck feed, food and drink out, SEND sessions ect

YABU- It's to share

YANBU- it's for the benefit of the child and he is the higher earner so should be able to cope as it is

He is a prize tool.

Good point. You should get to go to bed early the night after night shift, while he wrangles the DC. It's pretty appalling he doesn't do that.

He is a financially abusive cunt - a man who would steal from his disabled child.

Gold digger 😂 he earns £1500 a month!
He sounds like a dick, if money was that right yes done of the dla would need to go towards builds because ultimately it's putting a roof over that child's head etc, but he has £900 a month spare?!
Get rid OP he sees you as less than, DC are not his job, household chores are not his job, you're not allowed to sleep after a night shift!
You'll be entitled to benefits without him and won't have to put up with his nonsense

Thanks for all the replies, all varieties.

He still seems to think he is worse off and wants change.
I'm not changing anything at the moment, fed up of being told I'm the one that's bad with money when I make mine stretch and he doesn't with his. Especially considering he's rarely out with the kids- almost never on his own.

Felt like I was taking the piss a bit when I argued back saying I'd saved us thousands in childcare by working nights and giving up sleep. Think it's time to jump into bed when he gets home from work on the days I've worked shifts!

Childcare for 1 DC mon-fri would set us back £1400..

Not to mention after school clubs at £12 a head a day. Breakfast club is cheaper at £3.50.

We're both on the tenancy

I would look at UC online maybe you'll get funding for childcare..

Don't get a joint account. I'm.married and still won't get one and he doesn't sound relaxed about money. You would regret it.

My kids DLA goes into the my household pot and everything he needs comes out of that. I don't split it with husband, it's a ridiculous notion.

what you need to sort out is the sleep thing. Your body needs regular sleep to repair itself. He's a selfish fucker.

Kick him out for financial abuse (see Women's Aid for advice), then you'll have far more money to spend on your children without this leech not just content with bleeding you dry, but is turning his avaricious little eyes towards your child's Disability benefits.

OP

You are bloody bionic doing nights and looking after the kids.

This alone shows your drive and immense work ethic (which was clear anyway).

Be very clear about your abilities and what you are capable of.

You've demonstrated it here, clearly,

Don't be driven down by your DH. You are clearly pretty awesome 🥇

You really need to find a way to make childcare his problem too either in terms of time or money.

What is he doing with the money leftover after rent and what he gives to you towards bills?

It sounds like he's spending it on himself or saving it in his own name? If this is the case it's already unequal in his favour as you have hardly any personal money and he has loads.

I know you say you don't want a joint account but it could work in your favour.

All wages and benefits go into the joint account and this is only used for joint costs, so rent, joint bills, any personal bills you agree to come out of the account eg car costs, mobiles etc. Perhaps put some of this in savings accounts for joint annual and irregular expenses like insurance, Christmas, emergency fund etc.

After all that, whatever is spare is split 50/50 for personal spending money for you and him and you pay personal discretionary expenses out of this account.

Transparent and fair and will illustrate how he's done well out of the situation up to now as the amount of personal money he's left with will be less than he's used to.

Plus he also needs to do his share of looking after his own children when you've been working the night before or if you want to get some sleep on the afternoon/early evenings before you go to work.

DLA absolutely can be used for bills etc ,I have a severely disabled child who is 12 and has been getting DLA since he was three I had to give up work to care for him which benefits him so his DLa goes into the family pot we don't separate money and have equal access to it ,however in this case the Op ,s partner is being unreasonable.

Oh Good Lord

This is awful.

Do not straddle yourself with this knob anymore.
Here's an LTB from me

What does he do with his savings?

Please leave this terrible relationship.Do you love hm?does he love his children?What about you how does he treat you.Are you happy.Think about this life you lead?Good luck

I wouldn’t get the joint account then either.
We only have a joint account for savings. Been married 26 years.

Never get a joint account with someone with this attitude to money.

He'll be poring over the statement and querying every coffee and bag of sweets.

I'd make the most of the opportunity to review the finances. And the childcare/chores split.

I wouldn't be getting a joint account with him and I certainly wouldn't marry him in your position . Don't know what goes through some posters heads !

OP if your DC now gets DLA could you get Carer's allowance and either stop doing the night shifts (or I understand you can earn up to around £100 or something while getting carers.

You could also check with a calculator online for UC as you may get a top up from them.

You could get these paid into your account not his.

from a different perspective...

he looks after the children when you work.

One of the children is not 'his' and the household does not receive any money from that child's father. Three children makes holidays, cars, housing etc a lot more expensive- so the family costs are higher. Its up to the OP to sort out CM with her ex- he has no control over this yet, financially, it impacts him.

He pays 100% of the rent and 50% of shared bills.

You both pay for your 'own bills'

Its not clear from the thread whether there is any other source of income- eg CB etc and who receives this.

But you do need to talk about how this should be split. Maybe if you worked out how you could earn equal amounts- but the impact of that on overall costs (childcare)- that may make him appreciate the situation better.

He won't care for the kids because of his penis even tho it means you not getting enough rest.
He doesn't trust you and thinks you're just after his money.

I'd question how he actually feels about you op. He doesn't seem to like you very much

Take home for DP is between 1500-1700 p/m
Take home for me is between 600-800 p/m

So total estimate he pays 800, my total comes to 560 440.
Say good is £360 and you said its fairly even.

So
1600 take home 980 paid
700 take home 540 paid.

2300 - 1520

Bills cost 2/3 of family income.

He's paying 60% of his income out and you're paying 77%

A fairer split would look like 1070 /450 so agree to revisit and tell him he needs to give you more towards bills / food. He still has 530 left to your 250 after food.

CB goes on the kids for clothes (bank it is necessary), DLA goes towards your child's needs (is it his child receiving DLA or his step child)?

We do use some of DSs towards bills, because I'm not in a position to work and frankly him having a roof over his head is important to him.

Hmm its a hard one as you have a extra child if you earned the same it would be
You pay 630 he pays 504 but you don't and you earn 47% of his wage but you will also get the cb for 3 kids at 160ish a month then possible tax credits, not sure on that it really should be all one pot, if you add all the extra money you get for the kids into your income how much is the wage difference then? I bet is alot more even so bills should be split as such

@SleepingStandingUp that wouldn't be a fairer split as she has 1 extra child that is not his