Another DP and bill split one-DLA

[Toadwhale]

DP works 9-5, Mon-Fri
I work 10pm-7am 2 Monday and Wednesday nights.

Take home for DP is between 1500-1700 p/m
Take home for me is between 600-800 p/m

DP pays rent at 520- sends me 300 towards other bills.
All other bills come out of my account- WiFi, council tax, kids amazon subs, ect.

So total estimate he pays 800, my total comes to 560.

So he should be left with approx 900 a month after bills where i am left with 300.

Food shopping is split between us and is a constant argument as to who pays more towards food bills.

DP wants a serious chat and reconfigure about our finances, but from the maths I've done we're even with what we put in considering what we each get paid?

Have 3 DC, 2 not school age (1 preschool part time) so me not working day shifts means we have 0 childcare costs as I'm around for all school/preschool runs.

I don't get to catch up on sleep during the day as I have the two little ones. Will go to bed at normal time after a night shift- generally approaching 24 hours without sleep by the time I get to crash.

So my AIBU- 1 DC recently got awarded middle rate DLA. This gets paid to me as I am the main carer and with him 90% of the time.
DP is demanding we split this money as he needs it for bills. I say no, it's for DC, trips to parks, duck feed, food and drink out, SEND sessions ect

YABU- It's to share

YANBU- it's for the benefit of the child and he is the higher earner so should be able to cope as it is

Do not marry this cockwomble, you will regret it for the rest of your life, walk away now.

Why would you marry him? He doesn’t want to support you at all.

What @hearmywomanlyroar and @Ohsugarhoneyicetea said

Sorry OP but you hot yourself the worst kind of partner- the one who wants shaft you financially and take away stuff from his children.

Who pays more towards food? Kids don’t live on air and sunshine.

I’d be having serious conversation about ending this shitty “partnership” as he doesn’t see you or his kids worth of providing for basic needs.

Why can’t you catch up on sleep during a day? 24 hours without is very difficult. Is it another thing he doesn’t want to help you with to make your life easier?

DP pays rent at 520- sends me 300 towards other bills.

Do you own the house and he pays you rent, or do you rent together?

If you don't own the house, marry him ASAP. Then you have a chance at getting a fair financial deal for you and your children when you split.

All bill money should come out of a joint account into which you pay an amount so that you both have equal spending money for your own personal expenses and spending. Your expenses/spending money stays in your own personal account so that you do have control over this. You may also need to contribute a little extra for the cost of your DC that isn't his - do you get CM for them?

Your hours of childcare, including your special needs child, plus the night shifts you work mean you are already working much longer hours than DP so it shouldn't be hard to persuade him that this is equitable. Maybe have to hand the cost of childcare to cover the hours when DP is out of the house to show him exactly how much you are saving him.

If he can't see how selfish he has been and refuses to cooperate you know what to do. And on that note, is your name on the tenancy?

No CM for DC that isn't his, that's another battle with exDP.

Both names on the tenancy.

Don't catch up on sleep cause he moans about being left to sort the kids out on his own. Yes I have pointed out that I'm the one with them most of the time, he's home from work at 6pm till their bedtime at 8pm.

He still thinks I'm a gold digger.

Time to leave and find someone who appreciates you, if not you're better off on your own, gold-digger my ass

Yes indeed. Feels like the term golddigger applies to him not you if he has three times your amount of personal spending money while you work probably twice as many hours.

Have you checked to see if you can get UC on top? Especially with a DC with DLA...

He earns £1500-1700 a month and he thinks you’re a gold digger?! He’s earning less than the UK average for a full-time job, I think I would be pointing out to him that if you were a gold digger you would have picked someone with a lot more gold.

He moans about having to sort out the kids on his own so you don’t get any sleep in 24 hours

OMG OP. This is absolutely outrageous.

He should pull his fingers out of his arse and get on with the parenting seeing as he created the children in the first place.
I’d seriously lose my shit and if that doesn’t help I’d end this relationship.

What exactly he brings to this relationship?

I’m saying that as nightshift worker(and I remember very well 24-26 hours without sleep) and a parent of child who receives DLA.
It’s not a walk in the park.

Shape up or ship out time.

Your financial “agreement” is very unfair as it leaves him with lots of money and you with hardly anything.Your financial position is very vulnerable as you’re not married.

He on the other hand is having his cake and eating it.

Please do some hard thinking.Wishing you all the best

This is why blended families can be so dangerous, the sense of family isn’t there and there is a tit for tat, mine and yours ideal from the outset.

I would tell him if you were a gold digger then you’d be going after someone significantly higher paid

He doesn’t seem to be on your team at all

Your relationship is over. He called you a golddigger.

If he really believed that, he wouldn't be there. So he's just happily slagging you off to your face why trying to make you back down when he's the one being unreasonable and taking advantage here.

Dump him.

With DLA it is for the benefit of the child..I get DLA..some of it does go so I can cover working less to get to appointments but lots go on clubs, tutoring and other items that are specifically for that child...

Just out of curiousity is it the child that is not his that gets the DLA.

I also agree i would be returning to work and splitting childcare.

If you ended up splitting you have a night job you couldn't do as no childcare or no security..Is both your names on the rent?

Sorry you are awake 24 hours + at a time? And you are paying in a disproportionate amount and now he wants half the DLA too? Better off on your own for the love of god do not marry him.

DlA is for your child, so no, shouldn't be split.

Also as you are both low earners, both wages should be merged and whatever is left at the end should be split down the middle, so you both have equal spending money.

He's paying £820 earns £1500/1700
You are paying £440 earns £ 600/800

He earns just over twice as much as you roughly but he's paying just under twice as much as you and 1 of the kids is your responsibility to keep not his
I don't think ether of you are being unfair the way it is
% of income and taken into the fact 1 of the kids are not his
DLA part of that is to pay you to care I would put some of that into household pot . If you weren't caring you could be working and conturing more .

Not sure on your maths. Using middle figures for your take home, he keeps £780 after rent and money to you. You keep £660 before personal bills. Plus you get child benefit + other allowances.
If anything, given one of the kids aren't his, looks like you are doing ok.
But, sod it, I'll jump on the bandwagon... Leave him, he's financially abusive 😉

Or £560... Turns out my maths is bad too 🤦

Op you don't have a relationship, that's not ok. Why do you think you should stay with him? Get some advice and get him out. CAB often do one stop shops where you can see a housing officer, solicitor and Women's Aid adviser - try them first, work out what you are entitled to. This is no life whatsoever for you.

tell him that he is the gold digger wanting to take money from a child and not paying his way.

I wouldn’t marry him either. It’s so much easier to split if you aren’t and the financial security really isn’t worth the agro.

Ask him how it’s fair he wants to take money from the children to finance his life style.

I bet he’s also got considerable more saving than you as well.

Personally I would leave, I know it would make your current job impossible. Until the youngest can use free nursery place I would use the time to get a degree if you haven’t got one. I used this time and studied with the OU. Then when they were in education I worked via agencies or worked for myself. It is bloody hard work going alone but omg the financial freedom alone is amazing.

DLA is for the benefit of the child, so unless DP is taking the children out and about then it’s not really his to play with.
If the child uses a lot of equipment that is electricity heavy (say an air mattress, hospital bed, Cpap machine etc) or needs the heating on constantly then he wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask for a contribution from it towards the bills.

if the child is constantly breaking things, then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to replace things using the dla. or using a contribution from the DLA to replace the thing.

if the child only eats certain foods, brands etc, then DLA can be used to provide these foods.

I had to use my child’s DLA to replace his brother’s glasses because he (the child receiving DLA) decided to break them. Again not really an ideal situation but the glasses are £380 a pop due to very bad vision. If my child didn’t have his condition they wouldn’t have been broken. However this was a one off. We were really stuck.

he can’t just demand half the money though. He needs to say why he feels he needs half the money. Basically give you a reasonable explanation where the money will be spent. Not just “give me half for bills”

Single parent of 3, 2 disabled. Became much better off financially once split from ex. Much easier to keep on top finances when only one adult (and no arguments about money). DLA has always gone towards household costs as well as Sen costs. If I didn’t have a disabled child i would work FT so the DLA goes a small way to offsetting the massive financial sacrifice I make to provide additional care above what other parents have to do. So in my view the money is the child’s or for the parent who is losing income to be the carer. The main issue is neither of you earn enough for a family of 5. Have you checked if you are entitled to UC now you have child with DLA?

Pool your sodding finances. One account for everything. Take what you need, when you need it. Nobody in a family should be worse off because they're looking after kids/caring/in a lower paid job. You're a unit. So many issues on here could be rectified if people just supported each other like couples should.