Shameful past but worse....

[ShamefullPast]

Another recent thread got me
thinking . A lady asking about having a shameful past and how many men she’s slept with. A lot of replies saying they had slept with x amount of men but it’s ok as no STI,s and unwanted pregnancies.
I have a very shameful past as lots of men and I ended up have a few abortions.
I feel disgusting and hate what I’ve done . Feel like I should be punished in some way .
Sorry if posted in wrong place.

Well, I got an STI after being assaulted by a man I knew who turned out to be a serial abuser of women...The shame is on him not me. If people think that makes me 'disgusting', that's their problem.

But seriously don't beat yourself up. Life is full of ups and downs and no one is perfect. If people judge you, they are simply not the type of people you want in your life.

I personally found counselling really helpful so if you are struggling it might be a good idea to speak to a professional who will help you in a non-judgemental way to develop your self-worth.

No OP, you shouldn’t be punished.

Never be ashamed about your past. Your past doesn’t define you. The number of men you’ve slept with doesn’t define you. The number of abortions you’ve had doesn’t define you.

Take absolutely no notice of the other thread, and the women slut shaming on there. None of them know you.

The past is in the past. What’s done is done. You can’t change that. All you can do is look forwards. Concentrate on the here and now and all you want to achieve for your future.

Honestly I look back at what I’ve done and I can’t believe it. I feel so overwhelmed and ashamed.

Punished by who?

You're already hurting yourself with these judgements on your past, no one should or would punish you.

OP
Please research the average number* *of abortions of women in some Soviet countries.
Your shame is purely culturally induced. A result of cultural indoctrination, one may say.

I will repeat what I said on the other thread.

Shame can make prisoners of us all if we let it.

Shame isn’t necessary here.

Not one of us are perfect. We are on this earth but a short time. Accept the past and leave it there. You can’t change what has gone by. You made decisions that felt right to you at the time.

Look to the future. Embrace life. Make decisions which are good for you. And give yourself a wee bit peace. 🌻

Op. Please don't be ashamed.

It's in the past and it belongs in the past. Most of us have all been there, I have.

I come from a religious background that is finally understanding the damage shame has done to people.

I don’t believe shame is from the human experience - I believe it is something cultural and social created to divide and regulate people’s behaviour historically.

It only has power over you when you are viewing your past through the eyes of others - judgemental others. If you can’t find the words in your own mind to make sense of the past and let go of it, then use the kind words here - the past really only exists in your mind. I think people have a strong desire to get external permission to let go off things but a

Op, I was a right good time girl when I was younger. I have had sex with well over 1000 people but no idea how many. It doesn't alter my value or worth as a person. Men penetrating women doesn't alter our value at all, despite society WRONGLY telling us that a woman's worth plummets as soon as she is no longer a virgin.

I say this gently, but are you using this as a stick to beat yourself with? In the past I often chose to engage in behaviour that I felt was bad or damaging. Sometimes it was drinking too much and feeling embarrassed, or self sabotaging at work by leaving things until they were out of hand or last minute. Then I could beat myself up about what I terrible person I was ASWELL as beat myself up for the original poor choice. Do you think you are doing the same??

As for your sexual past. I don't judge you at all.

Sorry -

you don’t need anyones permission - just your own.

Be really kind to yourself. You did what seemed the right option at the time.

why are you judging yourself so harshly anyway? Are you thinking that you want to be a certain type of person and can’t because of your past?

That’s only a problem if you don’t acknowledge the past and carry it with you - write it all down, every single incident and acknowledge the stuff you enjoyed at the time too.

Then breathe out. 🙂

You’ve really no need to feel ashamed.

I’ve never had an abortion but I’m infertile.

I’ve had one STI - and I caught it the first time I slept with my now long term partner. In the four months before I met him, I slept with over 20 different men. But being ashamed about any of it is pointless.

OP please don't be so hard on yourself. You are punishing yourself and have no reason to do this.I didn't see the other thread but it seems to me that woman ( as is often the case) are judging someone they don't even know.

I say this as someone who is a survivor of child abuse which took place in my family home in Ireland at the aged of 11/12. When I eventually spoke out and said what my older brother had done , I lost all my family .It was without a doubt the best thing I ever did. It set me free. This in my experience is the outcome for most who speak out , so I know that I have to live a somewhat secret life. My past would be used to hurt me and my husband and children by too many.

You have no reason to feel shame , so please don't. The people in the world who should feel shame never do. Be kind to yourself 💐

It’s not so much the amount of men I slept with it’s more the abortions . There was a daily mail article were a women had 7 abortions and she got absolutely slated . The comments she got were horrendous. I felt bad for her.
I don’t know it’s just reading that thread it didn’t seem bad at all what the OP had written and it made me think how bad it is what I’ve done in my past in comparison.

Op, I've had 3 abortions, I am not a bad person. I WOULD have been a bad person to bring an extra 3 unwanted children that I couldn't have looked after into this world.

You are not a bad person. There is no such thing as a bad person. We are just people that make choices, and sometimes we mess up and hurt people. But I personally would only judge somebody who intentionally goes out of their way to hurt somebody. And you really don't sound like that.

I believe the average number of abortion in Soviet and post Soviet Russia was/is 8. My grandmother had at least 5 from what I know. I don’t think any women that lived/live in those countries have anything to be ashamed of either. You’ve done nothing wrong, and certainly nothing deserving of punishment.

Shame only hurts you. It doesn’t change the past, but it will blight your future if you let it. I do think this may be indicative of a deeper self loathing, and you’re wielding it as a way of inflicting punishment on yourself, and i think that is something you should look at tackling. You deserve better

the same people who would have been slating her for having seven children if she’d have gone ahead with the pregnancies. Or slating her for any and every other reason they could think of. They’re irrelevant.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's not something to brag about either, but the person who could have ended up hurt was you.
It may not have been wise, but it's not shameful either, if that makes any sense.

its an emotive topic, that’s the problem, I think - it was in the paper and got a strong reaction from the public but that’s not a perspective to judge your own circumstances from.

what things make you feel good about yourself, OP? What are you proud of?

I think you need to view your past from a stronger perspective but at the moment shame is holding you in this judgemental hate filled space.

There must be lots of good things about you - why don’t you tell us hat they are? Are you a parent? A good friend? A caring daughter?

Don’t read the Daily Mail. As whimthereitis said, people commenting on that always judge a woman. I always tell my DDs “don’t feed the troll” in regards of that website.

You do not need to feel shame for what you did. You mentioned lots of men, are they ashamed? Probably not.

If you can’t get passed the way you are feeling maybe try some counselling. You don’t need to be punished at all.

Please don't be ashamed, there are a million reasons why folk need terminations and none of them are shameful. Sometimes its abuse, poverty, not wanting kids or to be pregnant or that its just simply not the right time, none of the reasons are better or worse than the others.

What is important is that it was the right thing for you. If you don't feel that and need help to come to terms with it please seek counselling, anywhere they offer terminations will offer this or be able to send you in the right direction. Don't punish yourself, you don't deserve it

Thanks for all your replies I am reading them all. Just feel so depressed today. All I wanted when I was little was to be a mum and have a family . I wanted some of my own kids and foster other children.
When I was a teenager I lived in hostels and the girls had abortions. It made me feel really sad . I never ever thought I end up having even one never mind more than one.
It all feels like a bad dream but unfortunately I know it’s not .

Have you posted this before? I swear I’ve this post or a very similarly worded one in the not so distant past on MN.

Can you turn this around, OP?

This isn’t your full life yet - you have so many years ahead. You can still be the mum with a family, right? That’s also part of your picture and your future.

Can you see that despite your difficult circumstances you came through? You made a choice and hoped it was the best which is all anyone can do?

what would you say to a friend in this situation? Would you let her beat herself up about the past or would you want her to see a different perspective that could take her forward?

xxx

Men aren't shamed for impregnating multiple women, our prime minister is an excellent example! Don't internalise the culture of women being shamed for anything sexual.
I've had both an STI (age 18) and an abortion (in my 30s, had kids already) and am ashamed of neither.