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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does my partners ex need medical help

140 replies

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 04:46

I posted on here that my partners ex was harrassing me by sending texts, emails etc. You guys said to get police involved which I did. She was quiet after that. She then started on my partner. Suicide threats (she's being doing that for over 20 years!), calls at all hours, emails.

Yesterday following some weird messages from her he agreed to meet up with her. He called me later and said he'd spent most of the day trying to keep her calm. She made him take a selfie of them laughing and happy and send it to me - it really upset me but he's explained why it was sent. Then she drove him to my house (from which she's banned) and make me come to the front door so she could see what I looked at (didn't work as I kept back from the door).

Finally at 10 last night I thought I'd try to call assuming he was home and to see how things went. He was still at hers and I could hear her screaming out my name - she sounded as if she'd totally lost it. She called me later and shouted 'f..c off butch'. I'm now waiting for more messages , calls etc and I'll have no choice but to call the police again and this time they'll arrest her

I now agree with him that she has mental health issues and desperately needs help. My question is where do we go from here - can he get help for her? Despite the fact they've not been together for years I still can't be with him at family events etc. I'm at the point of thinking I can't do this any more but I love the guy more than I can say and I feel so desperately sorry that he's trying to deal with this.

What on earth do we do if she won't get help?

OP posts:
88milesanhour · 22/06/2022 09:45

WTF?! Whatever this woman's 'issues' are neither you or your partner are responsbile for fixing them. The best thing you can do for all of you is cut all contact. If she's suicidal she should call her doctor or her GP or Samaritans or if she id known to crisis team (very likely given what you've said) then she can self refer to them. This is not your problem and you can't fix it even if you wanted to. Move on.

88milesanhour · 22/06/2022 09:50

Hmmmm. Just read some more of your posts OP and I think your DP might be the problem as much as this ex. You need to give him the ultimatum of cutting contact with the ex or you leave. As pp have said don't get dragged into this shit you're better than that x

Jenasaurus · 22/06/2022 09:51

Alarm bells on this one OP

So he divorced 10 years ago but still has stuff at her house.

The happy selfie he sent you - I wonder if she said to him, prove to her its over and you are with me now, send her a photo of us together and then I will believe you

She attends family events as the family still think they are a couple.

Thats how it reads to me Op

femfemlicious · 22/06/2022 09:57

ladydimitrescu · 22/06/2022 07:18

Good grief, you are 66!!! Reading the post I thought you were all in your 20s! Why on earth are you putting up with this bat shittery?!
I assume partner is the same age? What kind of almost 70 year old man is taking selfies with his ex to send you?
Leave them to it, it's only been 6 months and it's already hell. It won't get better.

This is crazy😂. I cant imagine over 60 year olds acting like this

godmum56 · 22/06/2022 10:08

I am sort of dubious about medical help as you say it stopped when the police spoke to her which implies self awareness and control which implies choice which implies not illness. Me I'd say cut your losses. He is NOT trying to fix this, he is enabling it.

MeridianB · 22/06/2022 10:09

There's a big difference between supporting and enabling someone.

If he is serious about no longer being in a relationship with her then he needs to help by stepping back and triggering professional help. Him trying to keep her calm by giving her what she wants on an hourly basis is just not sustainable or healthy. It sounds like she needs serious professional help asap.

If he can step away then your relationship has some hope. But right now, I'd be really backing away from him and all of this, for your own sake.

Blowthemandown · 22/06/2022 10:11

AnonymousMizs · 22/06/2022 05:47

He can't save her OP, neither can you. Time for an honest talk with him I think - given he has been engaging it's likely that a final message is required so that she can be in no doubt. I would suggest along the lines of
Dear X,
On reflection I was unwise to come over. To be clear, my intention was to support you. Our relationship ended (insert how long ago) and I have moved on. I am unable to offer any further support - whether in person, by text/phone etc... - and I would be grateful if you could also stop contacting my new partner. We are now both going to block your number(s) and email(s). Further contact will be reported to the police as harassment. I wish you all the best for the future.
Then do exactly that. Be prepared that she will escalate and quite possibly turn up - in which case an upstairs window is your friend to be able to ask her to leave without opening the door. Failure to leave, request police and tell her that you have.
If your DP is unwilling to take this route, or a similarly strong stance, then I would think carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship because whilever he is engaging with her he is enabling her and this drama will continue.

This is the best approach

mindutopia · 22/06/2022 10:12

Oh yes, I had a partner like this once. He had several ‘crazy’ exes and a few friends ‘with mental health issues’ that used to show up ranting and raving, call drunk and crying, etc. He loved the drama. Ended after 5 years when I discovered he’d been shagging them all along!

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/06/2022 10:13

Are there children involved and he's there for them?

MachineBee · 22/06/2022 10:15

I left an abusive marriage and had a couple of less than satisfactory liaisons afterwards. Unfortunately there are men out there who target vulnerable women. There was no harm done other than a realisation that the worst thing after my divorce wasn’t being alone, rather it was being with the wrong person. I gave myself a break from dating and learned to enjoy my single status.

I eventually met a wonderful kind man who I’m now married to. Second-time-around relationships in later life bring their own challenges as we all have lots of baggage (DCs, ex’s, family members who struggle with the breakup/new relationship etc). If the relationship isn’t formed on honest, stable ground those challenges will cause more torment for all involved.

zingally · 22/06/2022 10:15

You don't have a HER problem, you have a HIM problem.

He needs to decide which one of you he is with, and act accordingly. If he can't do that, he's made the decision by default, and you need to leave.

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/06/2022 10:17

Oh ive just read the bit where you and the others involved are in your 60's/70's.

As awful as it sounds could there be a possibility of early onset dementia or Alzheimer's?

88milesanhour · 22/06/2022 10:19

MeridianB · 22/06/2022 10:09

There's a big difference between supporting and enabling someone.

If he is serious about no longer being in a relationship with her then he needs to help by stepping back and triggering professional help. Him trying to keep her calm by giving her what she wants on an hourly basis is just not sustainable or healthy. It sounds like she needs serious professional help asap.

If he can step away then your relationship has some hope. But right now, I'd be really backing away from him and all of this, for your own sake.

Yep! These problems all seem personality driven. It's very sad for the ex and by no means minimalising it but pandering to it is only going to enable the attention seeking behavior. If she's that adament she's going to end her life then call her an ambulance and leave it at that. She'll soon get bored

Calmdown14 · 22/06/2022 10:20

I fully agree you can't continue in a relationship like this.

I'd be asking him calmly to tell you what the hold she has over him is. Because there's something she knows that he doesn't want you or his family to know.

Sadly I would suspect there have been moments where they have been back together. Because otherwise, a decade on, it would not still be this intense.

Yes she probably does have mental health problems but to have not moved on any in all that time, there's something else at play here

Pullpverchuck · 22/06/2022 10:31

He’s the problem not her. Enjoy your life now you’re free

Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 10:41

fruitbrewhaha · 22/06/2022 08:52

You may have a feeling that if you end it with him she has 'won'. Don't let that cloud your judgement. If you decide to end it with him, you have won.

Hate to say it but that thought has crossed my mind

OP posts:
1VY · 22/06/2022 10:42

fluffiphlox · 22/06/2022 08:15

I’m just a bit younger than you. When I read your initial post I thought it was by an immature woman in her twenties. I would get out of this melodrama and spend some time on my own. Those two leopards will not change their spots because they enjoy the hoo-hah.

This is exactly what I was thinking to say too.

My dear OP, you have left one abusive relationship for another. Your “ partner” is still completely involved with his supposed ex and he LOVES all this drama.

Its all a load of nonsense and you are old enough to know better. Please end this now and look for a man who is happy and proud to be with you .

Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 10:47

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/06/2022 10:13

Are there children involved and he's there for them?

He has adult children and grandchildren who he sees each week.

OP posts:
TheMamaYo · 22/06/2022 10:49

He loves the drama, really, doesn’t he?
because if he didn’t, he’d have stopped feeding it 10 years ago. He seems to be getting as much out of it as she is.
maybe it makes him feel significant/ needed. The knight/ hero - only he can ‘save’ her.

it smacks of low EI. I’d run as fast as my legs can carry me. Don’t get involved in all this shit. Life is too short.

PollyDarton1 · 22/06/2022 10:49

Sounds like he's triangulating you both, which is a massive red flag in terms of future abuse/poor treatment.

There isn't a chance in hell I would tolerate a partner of mine, no matter how long/short the relationship was, to enable that kind of behaviour and put you in the middle of whatever the fuck is going on with those two. I've been in a situation where my ex (although to a much, much smaller scale) pitted me and his ex (who he had a son with) against each other whilst simultaneously trying to get us to be friends for "peace" sakes and fuck me, the boundaries were blurred. This is just off the scale level of batshittery, and it's HIM that needs to change this, not HER.

Tonty · 22/06/2022 10:52

@Maisydaisy56

How can someone force you to take a selfie? and what stupid man takes a laughing selfie with an ex that's harassing him and his partner and sends it to her? absolute bollocks that story is. I don't know exactly what's going on but your ex isn't telling you the whole truth.

Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 10:54

Reading all these replies has given food for thought. I was strong in ending my marriage as it took a lot of courage but when I read everything here it makes me look really weak.
I really don't understand why, if his children know all about me and he introduces me to friends as his partner, I'm still like a 'bit on the side'. As someone said I'm better than that.

Time for a talk and decisions to be made!!

OP posts:
SmartCarDriver · 22/06/2022 10:54

Jenasaurus · 22/06/2022 09:51

Alarm bells on this one OP

So he divorced 10 years ago but still has stuff at her house.

The happy selfie he sent you - I wonder if she said to him, prove to her its over and you are with me now, send her a photo of us together and then I will believe you

She attends family events as the family still think they are a couple.

Thats how it reads to me Op

This! Why have stuff there after 10 years? Ridiculous!

Meraas · 22/06/2022 11:00

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 10:54

Reading all these replies has given food for thought. I was strong in ending my marriage as it took a lot of courage but when I read everything here it makes me look really weak.
I really don't understand why, if his children know all about me and he introduces me to friends as his partner, I'm still like a 'bit on the side'. As someone said I'm better than that.

Time for a talk and decisions to be made!!

You need to be strong again and end this relationship.

The good news is you have only been together 6 months, you don't live together, you aren't married, you are not financially enmeshed with him.

One phone call and you're free of this albatross and to find someone who isn't at the beck and call of his ex-wife of 10 years.

CallOnMe · 22/06/2022 11:17

Alarm bells on this one OP

So he divorced 10 years ago but still has stuff at her house.

The happy selfie he sent you - I wonder if she said to him, prove to her its over and you are with me now, send her a photo of us together and then I will believe you

She attends family events as the family still think they are a couple.

Thats how it reads to me Op

I completely agree and read it that way too!

OP you are either the OW or you’re being treated like it - either way you deserve better.

It’s only been 6 months - you should both be still in the honeymoon/can’t get enough of each other phase yet you’re already second best.
Imagine what it will be like in another few months.

I’d end things now and explain why.
If he wants to get back with you he’ll prove it to you.