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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does my partners ex need medical help

140 replies

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 04:46

I posted on here that my partners ex was harrassing me by sending texts, emails etc. You guys said to get police involved which I did. She was quiet after that. She then started on my partner. Suicide threats (she's being doing that for over 20 years!), calls at all hours, emails.

Yesterday following some weird messages from her he agreed to meet up with her. He called me later and said he'd spent most of the day trying to keep her calm. She made him take a selfie of them laughing and happy and send it to me - it really upset me but he's explained why it was sent. Then she drove him to my house (from which she's banned) and make me come to the front door so she could see what I looked at (didn't work as I kept back from the door).

Finally at 10 last night I thought I'd try to call assuming he was home and to see how things went. He was still at hers and I could hear her screaming out my name - she sounded as if she'd totally lost it. She called me later and shouted 'f..c off butch'. I'm now waiting for more messages , calls etc and I'll have no choice but to call the police again and this time they'll arrest her

I now agree with him that she has mental health issues and desperately needs help. My question is where do we go from here - can he get help for her? Despite the fact they've not been together for years I still can't be with him at family events etc. I'm at the point of thinking I can't do this any more but I love the guy more than I can say and I feel so desperately sorry that he's trying to deal with this.

What on earth do we do if she won't get help?

OP posts:
Clymene · 22/06/2022 07:14

6 months? You're on a hiding to nothing. Find someone who isn't still married.

JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 07:16

SausagePourHomme · 22/06/2022 06:28

Am i reading this right, you've been with him for 20 years?

He is the one you need to hold to account here. He is enabling all of this. Quite possible that he is in some sort of relationship with her. She clearly has leverage to 'make' him do things.

He needs to cut her off or you walk away from him. Personally i would have ended it with him long ago.

@SausagePourHomme NO she's been threatening suicide for 20 years.

Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 07:17

I'm not the affair partner. They divorced 10 years ago and haven't been in a relationship since. I didn't leave my marriage to be with him - I left because of the abuse and got together with him some months later.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 22/06/2022 07:18

Good grief, you are 66!!! Reading the post I thought you were all in your 20s! Why on earth are you putting up with this bat shittery?!
I assume partner is the same age? What kind of almost 70 year old man is taking selfies with his ex to send you?
Leave them to it, it's only been 6 months and it's already hell. It won't get better.

Lagertha6 · 22/06/2022 07:19

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 04:46

I posted on here that my partners ex was harrassing me by sending texts, emails etc. You guys said to get police involved which I did. She was quiet after that. She then started on my partner. Suicide threats (she's being doing that for over 20 years!), calls at all hours, emails.

Yesterday following some weird messages from her he agreed to meet up with her. He called me later and said he'd spent most of the day trying to keep her calm. She made him take a selfie of them laughing and happy and send it to me - it really upset me but he's explained why it was sent. Then she drove him to my house (from which she's banned) and make me come to the front door so she could see what I looked at (didn't work as I kept back from the door).

Finally at 10 last night I thought I'd try to call assuming he was home and to see how things went. He was still at hers and I could hear her screaming out my name - she sounded as if she'd totally lost it. She called me later and shouted 'f..c off butch'. I'm now waiting for more messages , calls etc and I'll have no choice but to call the police again and this time they'll arrest her

I now agree with him that she has mental health issues and desperately needs help. My question is where do we go from here - can he get help for her? Despite the fact they've not been together for years I still can't be with him at family events etc. I'm at the point of thinking I can't do this any more but I love the guy more than I can say and I feel so desperately sorry that he's trying to deal with this.

What on earth do we do if she won't get help?

I felt bad for him til I read the bit about you not be able to go to family parties....why??

Do you live with him? Married? Children? How long have you been together? It all sounds bit suss x

Clymene · 22/06/2022 07:20

You're 66!

Good grief.

JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 07:20

They were together 40 years & you've been together 6 months, but you've known him for years. Either you were or she thinks you were having an affair. In 6 months you've already reported the woman to the police.

maybe he had a golden cock, but you're both just feeding his ego.

JuneJubilee · 22/06/2022 07:27

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 07:17

I'm not the affair partner. They divorced 10 years ago and haven't been in a relationship since. I didn't leave my marriage to be with him - I left because of the abuse and got together with him some months later.

@Maisydaisy56

cross posted with you.

well done for getting out of an abusive marriage.

you'd do well to get some professional help going forward.

HE is the problem here, HE is playing into her hands, HE is getting his ego stroked x2, HE is telling you, you can't go to his family events, HE is taking selfies, allowing himself to be driven to your house, HE is going around there & staying all day/evening.

WHY are you putting up with this shit. Yea, it's harder to meet people, especially decent bloke who are single, but Christ being in your own is better than this crap!!

EarringsandLipstick · 22/06/2022 07:28

We've only been together for 6 months though I've known him for years. He was with her for 40 years.

What age is he, if his 40 year marriage ended 10 years ago? He must at least be in his 70s?

You are only with him 6 months, this is not any kind of meaningful relationship.

If had truly finished with her 10 years ago, he wouldn't still have this level of contact & inter-dependency.

You are 66. You are far too old to be putting up with this nonsense - he is treating you really badly - forget about making her the focus.

Move on, find a happier life for yourself

PinkButtercups · 22/06/2022 07:33

I think he crossed a line and disrespected you actually. The fact he even sent you the picture.

5128gap · 22/06/2022 07:33

Unfortunately there is no team of professionals who bundle up troublesome ex partners and remove them from sight, returning them to society when they've been 'helped' not to be a nuisance. (Wouldn't it be great though? Problem solved and cheat's conscience eased in one!)
This woman could be unwell, or she could just be very dramatic and manipulative, and know from experience this gets her what she wants. You and your partner are not in the position to diagnose her or get help for her. In fact, going round there engaging with it is doing more harm than good if she is ill.
All you can do is your partner completely disengage and report any harassment to the police. At present he is really muddying the waters with the visits and photos, as it gives her evidence to argue they have a reciprocal relationship rather than her harassing him.
(Oh, and if your partners a cheat, believe nothing he says that you don't have evidence of.)

Inthesameboatatmo · 22/06/2022 07:46

He needs to step back and instill boundaries. You need to give him an ultimatum.

Anon1717 · 22/06/2022 07:47

I bet he's telling her YOU'RE the crazy one...

bloodyunicorns · 22/06/2022 07:49

He needs to block her on everything and inform the police.

She is not his problem and she sounds deranged. Poor MH is no excuse for her behaviour.

bloodyunicorns · 22/06/2022 07:50

Why can't you go to family events?? How would his ex ever find out? Is your p secretly enjoying all the drama?

Is any man worth all this? 🤔

Unanananana · 22/06/2022 07:51

You think you'd know better by now, both of you.

Him and his ex are a car crash. You are watching it happen.

Stop wringing your hands and dump him. Don't you want a peaceful life?

Gazelda · 22/06/2022 07:52

Do they have children together? Is that why you can't go to family events?

SheWoreYellow · 22/06/2022 07:53

You can’t make her seek help I’m afraid, so that’s a dead end.

It doesn’t sound like he is really helping by being in touch. Maybe point that out to him.

Who is inviting her to family events?

You say he’s lovely, well his behaviour with his ex is awful.

Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 07:53

bloodyunicorns · 22/06/2022 07:50

Why can't you go to family events?? How would his ex ever find out? Is your p secretly enjoying all the drama?

Is any man worth all this? 🤔

These comments are making me step outside and look at things more objectively. I don't understand why I seem to be kept at a distance. We didn't have an affair while he was married (he divorced 10 years ago), I'm not married and his children both know we're together but im still kept away.
I agree we need to have a conversation - im worth more than that and all I want is to be able to have a full open relationship. He needs to make decisions

OP posts:
Lola4321 · 22/06/2022 07:55

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Clymene · 22/06/2022 07:55

This drama has been going on for 40 years. It's his life and it's never going to stop.

You deserve a lot better.

This is teenage level drama. Not retired people drama.

Lola4321 · 22/06/2022 08:00

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SausagePourHomme · 22/06/2022 08:03

You need to make the decision, not him. Stop giving him all the power. He's already shown you what he's got to offer and it's a shit show.

I see the freedom programme recommended often on here for people who have gone from one abusive relationship to the next. Perhaps that would be a good step for you

AuntieStella · 22/06/2022 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This is very bad advice, as she has done nothing since the police were last involved, except one drop off at your DP's behest.

As you are not allowed at family events, I suspect he was never as separated as you thought, and the perfectly sane ex sees you as the desperate OW who he's trying to be kind to but who just won't let go (he's probably telling her you're deluded, suicidal etc and he's trying desperately to get you to seek professional support and he fears its not safe to disengage until you do)

OK - that's just me hypothesising one possible scenario. But a number of posters have commented on how odd it is that you're compartmentalised away from his family. Are there any good/benign reasons for that?

Bednobsbroomsticks · 22/06/2022 08:07

End it op. This will make you poorly