Does my partners ex need medical help

[Maisydaisy56]

I posted on here that my partners ex was harrassing me by sending texts, emails etc. You guys said to get police involved which I did. She was quiet after that. She then started on my partner. Suicide threats (she's being doing that for over 20 years!), calls at all hours, emails.

Yesterday following some weird messages from her he agreed to meet up with her. He called me later and said he'd spent most of the day trying to keep her calm. She made him take a selfie of them laughing and happy and send it to me - it really upset me but he's explained why it was sent. Then she drove him to my house (from which she's banned) and make me come to the front door so she could see what I looked at (didn't work as I kept back from the door).

Finally at 10 last night I thought I'd try to call assuming he was home and to see how things went. He was still at hers and I could hear her screaming out my name - she sounded as if she'd totally lost it. She called me later and shouted 'f..c off butch'. I'm now waiting for more messages , calls etc and I'll have no choice but to call the police again and this time they'll arrest her

I now agree with him that she has mental health issues and desperately needs help. My question is where do we go from here - can he get help for her? Despite the fact they've not been together for years I still can't be with him at family events etc. I'm at the point of thinking I can't do this any more but I love the guy more than I can say and I feel so desperately sorry that he's trying to deal with this.

What on earth do we do if she won't get help?

You didn't have an affair and you haven't done anything wrong, but he has. He's started a relationship with you when he's still enmeshed in this insanity of a relationship which ended 10 years ago.

If they aren't over it now, they never will be.

Aim as high for yourself as you would want for your own loved ones. Read your thread back and pretend your sibling or best friend wrote it.

And as @AuntieStella above says, I bet he's feeding her the same line about you - "She's SOOO obsessed with me and she's suicidal since I told her that couldn't be with her, so I have to let her down gently. I'd go to the police but she'd hurt herself, so I'm going to stay over at hers to night to make sure she's safe..."

How old are they both op? If he was with her forty years and divorced ten that’s fixity years, are they both elderly? Why if they are divorced ten years does he have his stuff at her house?

Hi Op- so this is my take on things:

40 year marriage ended-as do the wife plans of a happy retirement and future plans with her husband.

She has a breakdown - remains living in what was family home? He, after 40 years together, can’t completely cut ties and vows to maintain a friendship?

He leaves his belongings in the home as it’s easier, and he pops rounds for the occasional coffee or meal - because that’s what friends do! She lives in hopes of reconciliation- then . Bang - you appear and she spirals.

She focuses her anger on you- she won’t turn the anger onto him because the goal is get him back.

I left because of the abuse and got together with him some months later
Why?
After 30 years you jump right into another shit relationship? Find out who YOU are. I know, it's a little cringy, but how do you know who you are and what your boundaries are if you've never had a healthy relationship?

It's all well and good to be in a 'relationship' but why not wait for one that is worthy of you? Don't hitch your wagon to the first guy that asks. There are far, far worse things than spending some time on, and with, yourself

You may have a feeling that if you end it with him she has 'won'. Don't let that cloud your judgement. If you decide to end it with him, you have won.

I agree with pp that you need to do the freedom programme.

When (not if!) you end the relationship, don’t be fooled by any promises by him to change or to get help. He has already had 10 years! Anything he says is just words because it’s his actions that matter and he’s already proved that he isn’t the right man for you.

You have only been with him 6 months? I would walk away until he has sorted out his past, way too much drama for a new relationship. He’s not helping by meeting up with her, why hasn’t he blocked her calls and messages? Maybe he enjoys it?

You are far too old to be entertaining this. You may be right, she may be mentally ill, however the fact he was with her all day, and they broke up ten years ago indicates that he likes and gains something from this fucked up dynamic. Most people don it keep up with ex’s from years ago unless they have too. If she is so awful why does he pander to it all rather than just ignoring.
The selfie, the going to you house to get you to come to the door-he was actively participating not passively. You can do better than get involved.

I actually think he has some very serious and worrying unresolved issues to be behaving like this. I would be having a chat to him about cutting this out or you can't continue.

Either it is as others have said and he is playing you both. Or, there is every chance she has been abusive to him and he still has not broken away despite ten years apart. If she was abusive to him it seems odd he would keep his belongings there for so many years and agree to take a laughing selfie to send though. But who knows what he’s been through with her, maybe he is scared to say no. Or maybe he just doesn’t want things to completely be over with her so has some sort of involvement continuing.

At the end of the day though the end result is this man is not in a position to offer you a loving, calm and stable relationship. Presumably he is aware you had an abusive marriage. So his collusion in her abuse of you (going there, selfies, exposing you to this bullshit, refusing to treat you as a partner with friends and family) is pretty depressing.

@pinkysharma

WTF is all that about??

6 months in I'd walk away

For those giving him a hard time I don't know what I would do if someone was thretning suicide . I wouldn't want that on my conscious she sounds so unbalanced I don't think I could take the risk if I were him .

Honestly it sounds like he’s been leading her on for 10 years- possibly even seeing her when it suited him. Storing his stuff there, no doubt taking her to the family parties etc which is why it would be an issue to take you now (after 10 years this really shouldn’t be an issue), going to see her. She didn’t force him to meet up with her, he went willingly, she didn’t force him to take a happy looking selfie, he was happy and smiling when she took a selfie, she didn’t force him to send it to you, he did that willingly knowing it would hurt you. She didn’t force him to do anything, he’s done whatever she wants because he’s trying to keep her sweet for the next time he wants to lead her on. Maybe he doesn’t see what he has with you as long term and plans on running back to her, or maybe he’s still been seeing her while with you. Who knows. But this behaviour (hers and his) isn’t normal after a 10 year separation, and surely he’s seen other people in that time? Things are clearly a lot more recent and raw for her. Yes she probably needs help but that isn’t your problem, you need to leave them to their little games and go and find someone who would never do anything to upset you (send the selfie, drive up to the house so she can see you, see his ex, not take you to family events etc) x

Walk away. They've been divorced 10 years and he's still at her 'beck and call.'

This won't change, as they are both addicted to the drama.

”We've only been together for 6 months though I've known him for years. He was with her for 40 years.“
As others have written, there are several possible scenarios going on here between them. It doesn’t really matter which one is actually in play, because in NONE of them are you being treated well by this man.

Ditch him, and do the Freedom Programme.

1/ She isn't going to stop as the behaviour gets her what she wants.
2/ At his age he isn't going to change (and he seems to enjoy the drama)
3 (and most importantly)/ Did you really extricate yourself from a 30 year marriage for this?

I'm early 50s and couldn't be bothered with this now let alone in my mid 60s.

You deserve better.

He clearly has maintained a,relationship /link/ be in her life etc text phone leaving his things there.
Regardless of what he calls it ...he chooses to engage with her. He can choose not to. He cannot fix her.
best you move on and leave him to it

Fuck off with your spam, and then fuck off some more.

I suspect after 40 years of marriage and subsequent stringing her along it doesn't look like he's ever going to really be separated from her. I think most guys who are still at the beck and call of their exes tend to still have feelings for them. He probably likes the attention she gives him and won't give that up.

You know what he's doing right? He's getting two grown women to fight over him. Hes lying to you both, doing the poor me routine, so you save him from that other nasty woman.....but he's the one feeding misinformation so they protect/turn nasty.

Run from him op. He' so good at manipulation that even family and friends can't see it, thats the worst kind.