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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does my partners ex need medical help

140 replies

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 04:46

I posted on here that my partners ex was harrassing me by sending texts, emails etc. You guys said to get police involved which I did. She was quiet after that. She then started on my partner. Suicide threats (she's being doing that for over 20 years!), calls at all hours, emails.

Yesterday following some weird messages from her he agreed to meet up with her. He called me later and said he'd spent most of the day trying to keep her calm. She made him take a selfie of them laughing and happy and send it to me - it really upset me but he's explained why it was sent. Then she drove him to my house (from which she's banned) and make me come to the front door so she could see what I looked at (didn't work as I kept back from the door).

Finally at 10 last night I thought I'd try to call assuming he was home and to see how things went. He was still at hers and I could hear her screaming out my name - she sounded as if she'd totally lost it. She called me later and shouted 'f..c off butch'. I'm now waiting for more messages , calls etc and I'll have no choice but to call the police again and this time they'll arrest her

I now agree with him that she has mental health issues and desperately needs help. My question is where do we go from here - can he get help for her? Despite the fact they've not been together for years I still can't be with him at family events etc. I'm at the point of thinking I can't do this any more but I love the guy more than I can say and I feel so desperately sorry that he's trying to deal with this.

What on earth do we do if she won't get help?

OP posts:
LicoricePizza · 22/06/2022 08:08

Yes curious why he still has belongings there? Please don’t say he was still living there??

Sounds like she thinks you were involved with him before they divorced.

So you haven’t been introduced to family yet?

They’ve got an awful lot of history which I can’t see disappearing if they’ve been divorced 10 years & this is how she reacts towards a new partner.

Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 08:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes he's still got stuff stored there - makes me wonder??!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 08:09

SausagePourHomme · 22/06/2022 08:03

You need to make the decision, not him. Stop giving him all the power. He's already shown you what he's got to offer and it's a shit show.

I see the freedom programme recommended often on here for people who have gone from one abusive relationship to the next. Perhaps that would be a good step for you

What's the freedom programme?

OP posts:
ComfyChairPose · 22/06/2022 08:13

There is a mad drama triangle going on here.
Why is he still engaging with her? He let her take a laughing selfie of the two of them together and let her send it to you?
Why haven't you blocked her?
Why hasn't he blocked her?
If she threatens to self -harm say ''I'm calling emergency services for you''.

He has enjoyed being a part of this drama triangle too much and you haven't walked away from it either!

good luck

fluffiphlox · 22/06/2022 08:15

I’m just a bit younger than you. When I read your initial post I thought it was by an immature woman in her twenties. I would get out of this melodrama and spend some time on my own. Those two leopards will not change their spots because they enjoy the hoo-hah.

Original poster
Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 08:16

Bednobsbroomsticks · 22/06/2022 08:07

End it op. This will make you poorly

You are so right but why did it take everyone else to tell me that!!

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 22/06/2022 08:19

Mental health my arse, she's playing him (and you) like the London Philharmonic. I would be out of this relationship like a shot.
Let him pander ro his maniac ex whole yoi go off and have a life

LimpBiskit · 22/06/2022 08:20

Why is he even still in contact with her? He neds to cut all ties and move on, otherwise you need to do that with him.

WhiteCircles · 22/06/2022 08:21

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 07:04

Everyone's saying exactly what's going through my mind but what I really didn't want to hear. We've only been together for 6 months though I've known him for years. He was with her for 40 years. Maybe you're right and he wants to keep in her life but everything he says and does when he's with me says something different.

He ignored all her messages and calls but agreed to meet her to arrange to pick up his belongings. Last time he tried to go to her place to collect them she dialled 999.
I've reported her for Harrassment as it got really bad but she stopped when the police spoke to her.
I keep hearing from you guys that he's. being manipulated and by meeting up and doing what she says he's fuelling the fire. One of you said 'he's emotionally abusing you on her say so' hit hard because it's so true and I didn't see it like that. He says he's trying to keep everything calm so he can get on with a new life and that he's content in every aspect of his life except that one. As you guys said by meeting up at her say so he's effectively giving her back control.
What also makes me cross with myself is that at the age of 66 I got out of a 30 year abusiive marriage last year and have a good life ahead - I just want to be happy with him but only he can make that happen. Why am I letting myself get into this!! When we're together we're so happy - we love doing simple things like long walks, going out for meals, we laugh loads and our sex life is amazing (and no he doesn't with her - that information came from her as well as him!).

I will speak to him and I need to make decisions for myself. I totally adore the guy but I want to love someone who can welcome me into every aspect of his life and not be a secret so maybe we both have tough decisions to make

Ah. So she's right to be so furious and he's right to be feeling guilty and pandering to her? I know you can't generalise, but it's amazing how often men have the crazy ex that they deserve.

Regardless, he's enjoying this.

Clymene · 22/06/2022 08:21

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
It's a free course for women who have been in abusive relationships to help them avoid getting into them in the future.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 22/06/2022 08:21

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 08:16

You are so right but why did it take everyone else to tell me that!!

Show quote history

Sometimes when you come out of an abusive relationship and find another you don't think the situation is that bad because you kind of compare it to the previous one . Just because its not as harmful as before doesn't mean it's right. She's not going away anytime soon and this is no life for you lovely. And he isn't making things better. He should be prioritising you and not encouraging her. Feel sorry for her also. Sad. But you need to look after yourself and she isn't your responsibility . Big hugs

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 22/06/2022 08:22

"You are so right but why did it take everyone else to tell me that!!"

Well, that is why you need the Freedom program.

Feelingoktoday · 22/06/2022 08:23

Ok so he was with his ex wife for 40years. So she is also in her 60s. She is probably feeling vulnerable. However it doesn’t excuse her behaviour.

to be honest there is a lot of history in that one relationship. I would step away. Leave them to it. He will always feel loyal to her especially if there are children involved.

get out there, join some clubs, have some fun. You don’t need this in your life. If he is still around in a years time then meet up.

CallOnMe · 22/06/2022 08:24

I only just read all your replies. You say he divorced 10 years ago, so why did he recently have to meet up with her to get his belongings? Do you mean his belongings were still with her for 10 years?

I agree.

So he keeps stuff at hers, he’s there for hours with her, they take happy photos together, you’re not allowed at family events - sorry but it sounds like they’re still an item and she sees you as the OW who’s coming between them.

No way would this still be happening after 10 years if he wasn’t still stringing her along.
She should have gotten rid of all his stuff and be in a new relationship but she probably can’t as he’s the one stopping it.

I remember my relationship ending but we were trying to work things out and get back together, so we weren’t official but we were seeing each other.
My ex would initiate things and we’d meet up, call and text all of the time.
I found out there was an OW and he said well we’re not together.
One day I missed his call so I phoned him back later on and a women answered telling me I need to leave him alone as he has moved on and if I keep harassing him they’ll phone the police!
So he was making out like I was crazy to her when actually he was the one who was contacting me and wanting to work on the relationship.

MissMaple82 · 22/06/2022 08:25

There's more to this, a man wouldn't be pandering to her unless he wanted to, unless he was emotionally or sexually involved. I'd fuck that off in a heartbeat

WilsonMilson · 22/06/2022 08:27

He is enabling this. They sound stuck in a toxic trap that both of them are somehow addicted to. Your partner is not an innocent party in this, he’s actively engaging with her and therefore encouraging and prolonging the drama. He needs to cut her off, but for some reason, he hasn’t. Why?

I would end the relationship. The selfie bullshit alone is enough reason to end it. Honestly, they are welcome to each other.

WhiteCircles · 22/06/2022 08:28

Yes, I wonder if she actually knows they're separated? Or whether she thinks they're working on getting back together and you're getting in the way?

10 years is a really long time to have his stuff at her house. Where is he living?

FairyLightAddict · 22/06/2022 08:30

Block both of them. It's toxic.

user1471462428 · 22/06/2022 08:32

You’ve swapped being abused by one person to being abused by two.

rnsaslkih · 22/06/2022 08:32

too much hassle - get rid of him

Terfydactyl · 22/06/2022 08:37

Maisydaisy56 · 22/06/2022 08:16

You are so right but why did it take everyone else to tell me that!!

Show quote history

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Lola4321 · 22/06/2022 08:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

astoundedgoat · 22/06/2022 08:39

He loves the drama, and has a "routine" with her that clearly works for them. They're certainly still very much in a relationship with each other, and may or may not still be having sex. Part of the drama that he enjoys so much is involving third parties - in this case, you. I BET you are in no way the first woman who has come along in the last 10 years.

There's nothing to really discuss with him. Just break up and block him (and her) on all accounts/devices. You accidentally came along and got involved in a complicated role-playing thing between two people who have been together for decades. There's nothing for you here so stop looking for it.

Crumbleburntbits · 22/06/2022 08:39

You need to end the relationship. Don’t put up with your life being messed up and controlled by your boyfriend’s ex and his weakness. He was very cruel to send you that photo and agree to drive her over to your house. His behaviour is completely unforgivable which is why you need to end this today. He has shown you that he is weak enough to still be manipulated by his ex of 10 years. This relationship will ruin your mental health if you stay with him.

Triffid1 · 22/06/2022 08:39

I know it's not quite the same but when I met DH, he was still "friendly" with his ex - friendly as in she was still quite dependent on him. As a result, she didn't take it well when we got together.

The difference between him and your DP is that he very quickly realised it was ridiculous. They'd been broken up for a while and he owed her nothing (they didn't have DC or anything).

You have a DP problem, not an ex problem. If they genuinely split 10 years ago, this behaviour is so weird that it's not really believable.