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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - school Mum invited herself to my kid's party

122 replies

Aliciasattic · 21/06/2022 22:00

My DD is turning 8 in August and we've organised a small party for her, telling her she can have six guests from school. It's an activity so fairly pricey per child, hence the numbers.
One of the school Mum's asked me if my DD was attending an event that coincides with the date of the party and I foolishly said, no because it's her birthday and she's having a party. The Mum instantly said, oh ok I'll say no to the event then as she (her DD) would much rather go to your party.
The kids have literally never played together.

Instead of replying, sorry she's not invited I sort of sheepishly murmured something about having to go and headed off. I'm now stressed out about this, should I just let the kid come? Or was the Mum being cheeky to just assume her kid was invited? There are lots of smaller parties in the class, so nothing new there. For what it's worth she seems like a nice person, although I don't know her particularly well and my DD has never had any negative experiences with the other kid. But still, there's other kids she'd rather invite if there was the option of an extra space and I feel like I've been backed into a corner.

I'm annoyed with myself but also finding the whole thing a bit stressful and awkward.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Pheasantplucker2 · 21/06/2022 22:02

Just send her a message saying sorry if we’ve got our wires crossed. Dd is having a very small party with just 5-6 close friends so feel free to do the other social thing instead.

AgathaMystery · 21/06/2022 22:03

I would simply say to her next time you see her; ‘please don’t cancel an arrangement because of DD party, we are only having 5 children to the party.’ And leave it at that.

DSGR · 21/06/2022 22:03

This is a tricky one but if it was me I’d just invite the kid and suck it up. Maybe she just assumed her disgusted was invited as you mentioned a party, maybe her kid gets no invites and so she’s trying to get her one!
if you really don’t want the other kid to go you’re going to have to send a nice message saying sorry limited on numbers and DD has already chosen the few who will be there. Would your daughter like to come for a play date instead on another day?

Thehop · 21/06/2022 22:03

“Sorry you cought me off guard about the party. It’s just 5 friends, and we’ve invited them so we don’t have any spare spaces now. “

Meraas · 21/06/2022 22:03

YANBU, just be direct and tell her dd is only having a small group for her party.

Original poster
Aliciasattic · 21/06/2022 22:04

Thanks for the reply. When you put it like that it sounds really obvious. Wish I hadn't frozen to the spot and just said it then!

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 21/06/2022 22:05

I would just say that as dd is only having a small party, she has chosen the kids she plays with most. Sorry for the mix up, didn't mean to make it sound like the whole class would be invited. At least your child can go to that other event now!

KarmaStar · 21/06/2022 22:08

I only voted Yabu for sheepishly murmuring and leaving.
You have to stand up for your dd,who else will if you dont?
put her straight,the other mum,quite politely but clearly so she doesn't ' misunderstand ' and show up any way.🌈

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 22:08

To be honest, I think you were very rude to tell her there was a party when her dd wasn't invited. The normal polite response would have been "no, we aren't able to make it". She presumably assumed her dd was invited as it didn't dawn on her that you would have mentioned the party if her dd wasn't invited.

I would say in this instance you should sick it up.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 22:09

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 22:08

To be honest, I think you were very rude to tell her there was a party when her dd wasn't invited. The normal polite response would have been "no, we aren't able to make it". She presumably assumed her dd was invited as it didn't dawn on her that you would have mentioned the party if her dd wasn't invited.

I would say in this instance you should sick it up.

Sick it up, not sick it up Grin

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 22:10

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 22:09

Sick it up, not sick it up Grin

Show quote history

Auto correct is very determined!

Suck it up.

Neverhot · 21/06/2022 22:13

I'd say something like dd has changed her mind and doesn't want a big party now, she just wants to do an activity with a few of her close friends.

Tohaveandtohold · 21/06/2022 22:14

Because you didn’t say it immediately that it’s only for 5 children, I would just suck it up and invite the girl. But if you can’t, just send a nice tactical message now

TopCatsTopHat · 21/06/2022 22:15

It's not rude to mention your child has a party happening if it comes up naturally in conversation as this clearly did. Whole class parties don't keep happening beyond year 2 really, no rational parent would assume by age 8 their child will be be getting an invitation to a party of a child they never play with. Likely she just spoke without thinking and she has probably gone home thinking 'why on earth did I say that, I've put her right on the spot'.
One simple text as per the couple of suggestions you've had will fix it. It's no big deal.

TopCatsTopHat · 21/06/2022 22:19

If you don't set things straight the poor girl will end up at a party with 5 other kids who don't consider her part of the group and it will be awkward all round, if not actual tears. Not to mention your budget getting pushed up and it all leaving a bad taste for these reasons.
Just nip it in the bud before one thing leads to another and it becomes a farce.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 22:31

TopCatsTopHat · 21/06/2022 22:15

It's not rude to mention your child has a party happening if it comes up naturally in conversation as this clearly did. Whole class parties don't keep happening beyond year 2 really, no rational parent would assume by age 8 their child will be be getting an invitation to a party of a child they never play with. Likely she just spoke without thinking and she has probably gone home thinking 'why on earth did I say that, I've put her right on the spot'.
One simple text as per the couple of suggestions you've had will fix it. It's no big deal.

Of course it is rude. The party didn't come up in a natural way at all. The natural thing for a person with manners to say in that situation was no, they weren't doing the other thing. If she asked why not (rude too), then it would be reasonable or natural to mention the party.

If a casual friend asked you were you going to am event this weekend would you say no, I'm having a party or no, I can't make that?

SoloIVFer · 21/06/2022 22:41

Mum might have told daughter she is going to a party now and so unless your daughter has a reasonable issue with it, e.g she bullies her, then she should come. You should have said something on the spot, it's too late now. I got uninvited to a party at that age and felt heartbroken at the time! Had been so excited to be included and then the venue wouldn't allow more than a certain number in a group size and I was hacked.

RampantIvy · 21/06/2022 22:48

I wouldn't have said that my daughter was having a party either. I would have just said that she was busy that day.

Bournetilly · 21/06/2022 22:55

As PP said i think you should say DD has changed her mind about having a party and is just going to do an activity with a few of her closest friends, so please don’t cancel your other plans.

Wheelz46 · 21/06/2022 22:57

Just don't give them an invite, they can't just turn up to somewhere without knowing the venue and time.

It honestly sounds like the parent was fishing for an invite and took it upon herself to make you feel like you had no other option but to invite her child. There is a parent at my kids school thats like that, she expects her kid to be invited to everyones parties.

She found out about a kids party and was asking around who was invited. She actually messaged the kids mum and said not sure if x has been invited to x party but I know you will want RSVP, didn't want to not reply if x was invited 🙄 Honestly, some people have no shame!

kagerou · 21/06/2022 23:04

Could you invite her but ask her to pay if cost is the issue? just say something like 'it would be lovely if you guys want to come along to dc's party it'll be at xxx where we'll be doing xxx , tickets are this much so do let me know if you can make it and you can either book by calling this phone number or transfer me the money and I'll book for you'

If she pays then you'll have an extra guest at no cost to you but it also gives her a get out if she doesn't want to spend the money (knowing how much it costs might also make her realize how cheeky she was being in assuming her child was invited for free)

Oceanus · 21/06/2022 23:24

This mum, is her DD in your DD's class or not? If she is, you shouldn't have brought up the party. If she isn't, she's the one being cheeky and maybe she already knew about this activity from her DD. Kids talk, chances are she knew but I'm a bit cynical 😬...

Oceanus · 21/06/2022 23:25

Sorry that came out wrong!! Lol
If she's in the same class: she knew! She cornered you. If she isn't: she shouldn't have self-invited!

ittakes2 · 21/06/2022 23:27

I think its just a misunderstanding - you do need to tell her though - if this child is not a close friend of your daughter's your daughter will be disappointed she comes. I once accidentally emailed the wrong mum and invited their child to my twin's party - this child was 3 and my twins were turning 5 - they were at the same nursery but my children had no clue who he was. I apologised profusely and explained the email mix up - although the mum was oddly disappointed even though she knew her son was not friends with my children.

Vikinga · 21/06/2022 23:29

What a weirdo! 'Are you going to xx event' 'No, because I'm going on holiday' ' oh, I'd much rather go on holiday with you, I'll cancel the event'

I would just not invite her. I mean how would she even know what the activity is and what time?

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