AIBU - school Mum invited herself to my kid's party

[Aliciasattic]

My DD is turning 8 in August and we've organised a small party for her, telling her she can have six guests from school. It's an activity so fairly pricey per child, hence the numbers.
One of the school Mum's asked me if my DD was attending an event that coincides with the date of the party and I foolishly said, no because it's her birthday and she's having a party. The Mum instantly said, oh ok I'll say no to the event then as she (her DD) would much rather go to your party.
The kids have literally never played together.

Instead of replying, sorry she's not invited I sort of sheepishly murmured something about having to go and headed off. I'm now stressed out about this, should I just let the kid come? Or was the Mum being cheeky to just assume her kid was invited? There are lots of smaller parties in the class, so nothing new there. For what it's worth she seems like a nice person, although I don't know her particularly well and my DD has never had any negative experiences with the other kid. But still, there's other kids she'd rather invite if there was the option of an extra space and I feel like I've been backed into a corner.

I'm annoyed with myself but also finding the whole thing a bit stressful and awkward.

What would you do?

Just tell her her child isn't invited, why are you "backed into a corner" if you couldn't do it there and then a simple text just saying, sorry I think you might have got your wires crossed earlier my daughter is having a very small party as x is very expensive and unfortunately your child isn't invited. Simple, why so much stress/drama?

This.

This is such a British thread! So many shades of what is rude or not. OP making her 8 year old invite a random child to her small party, over one of her own friends, would have been completely disproportionate.

Voted YABU but I meant for being a wimp at the time. Make it clear - not fair on your daughter to invite her if she was limited in choice and had to leave other friends out.

Wait a minute! Do my eyes decieve me or am I actually reading this correctly. You're going on to the OP about "manners" when this women has literally just invited herself or rather her DD to a Birthday Party.

I'd be fully on board with you if Op was going round saying for example
"I'm not inviting Annie Smith to our Ella's party or if this child was the only one out the class not invited or even the only girl not invited or if these kids were friends. However, the subject came up naturally.

Only you can decide what to do op. Oh and, you don't have to just " suck" anything up this world. Its all very for people to say that but that could mean an extra £30 which you may not have. Me personally I'd just say "I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression but due to .....................Its only a small party and we're only inviting 8" kids. There again though I imagine she's probably told "Annie" about the party and the child's all excited now, of course that's in no way your fault, though.

I'm surprised the amount of people saying you have to invite her now! Honestly how ridiculous.

Either don't mention it again or if you want to be thoughtful drop her a text saying sorry she misunderstood but it's a very small party and her DD (along with most of the class) won't be getting an invite. Say you wanted to let her know so she could do the other activity.

Also, next time, you just say we can't attend that as we have something else on, rather than mention a party. But it's hard. Sometimes your mouth runs before your brain engages!!

You’re absolutely doing the right thing, she caught you on the hop, and you basically told the truth!

When my dd was 9 I gave into a “blackmail” self invitation of a child which totally changed the dynamic of the day and I’ve always regretted it, and dd is 24 now!

Has anyone said that she should invite the kid?

I can see how the OP got into this mess but I don't think she should invite the other kid. She needs to woman up and explain there's been a misunderstanding. Which would have been much better to do at the time!

I can’t see how the OP was rude to mention the party, especially if the norm at the school is to have small parties that not every kid is invited to?

If I’ve ever asked someone to do something and their reply was ‘No, I’m doing XYZ that day’, I have genuinely never took this as an invite to do XYZ with them, or thought they had bad manners for mentioning it.

Firstly, even if your daughter is only 8 you need to explain to her there's been a mix up, find out if she is ok with the child coming. It's her party after all.

Then, take it from there. If you can't afford the extra child, I think you should explain to the other mother, it was a party for just a few children because you have a budget and that if she wishes to pay for her daughter to come, then she can come.

If you're not friends you obviously won't have her number and passing a note in the playground will look rude, but face to face would be better anyway.

It wasn't an unreasonable assumption from the other mum seeing as you mentioned the party to her. I wouldn't bring up my kids' birthday parties to someone if their kid wasn't invited. "My child has a party that day and by the way you're not invited." Even if you know they are not best friends it just really puts the level of friendship starkly in its place.

I think you both spoke without thinking. Of course it's not rude to mention a party someone isn't invited to, if you don't know them thst well. We can't be invited to everything!

Just say to her 'sorry, I think.there may have been a crossed wire the other day. It was too early for me/ long day! DD is just going ice skating with 5 others for her birthday, it's not a big party. That's the maximum we can take unfortunately so please feel free to book the other event'.

You messed up by mentioning the party and not explaining to the mum straight away that it was just a few invited. She probably didn’t want to be rude by prioritising the event of your DD’s party. I would just invite her as it isn’t worth upsetting anyone over.

I voted unreasonable but only because a) you could have been vague and just said you were doing birthday celebrations that day, and b) why the hell didn't you just say "Sorry DD has chosen a her gang to do something small with, your DD and her aren't really pally"?

First post nailed it. Totally the norm to have small group activities for 8th birthday, so this shouldn’t come as a bombshell to her.

Personally I’d suck it up, the time to say something has gone the child thinks they are coming. You say something and you’re uninviting. I’d let her come.

I have never assumed I am invited to someone’s party just because it’s mentioned in casual conversation.

And surely it’s more a case of “oh no, we’re doing X because my daughter’s having a party and your daughter isn’t invited along with the other 20+ children in the class”. It’s hardly mean or a snub.

I don’t think you were rude to mention it OP, but I think your mistake was describing it as a party. Party does suggest (to me) at home or in a hall, with some flexibility on numbers. I would call what you are planning a birthday day out 😉

You weren't being rude to mention the party. The other mum should not have assumed. I'd just forget it and not send out the invitation. She can't turn up to something without the details (unless she finds out from another mum!) Lol

But now just text her to say there was a misunderstanding and that her DD isn't invited to your DDs small party.

There's a mum like this at my DC school... I wonder if it's the same one?? She's very strange and personally I think it was very odd to assume her DD was invited to the party. Just tell her that it wasn't an invitation, you were just explaining why your DD was unavailable at the time of the other event.

Are there people really this pathetic that they can't bare to hear that other children have birthday parties that don't always include their children?

If it's only ever whole class parties it might be reasonable to assume that your kid is invited.

Well you live & learn Op-just say that you are busy in future or just no-your daughter won't be a such & such event.

I'm guessing invitations haven't gone out yet.

Will it be in school holidays?

If it wasn't for the Mum cancelling another event I wouldn't be bothering to say anything, but I suppose it would be nice to let her know asap that she doesn't need to say no to the other thing.

I would probably make this mistake on either side - making it sound like her DD was invited or accidentally crossing wires and thinking my child had an invitation. So many posters making out the other lady is a CF but maybe she just genuinely thought she was invited?

I would probably just invite her because I'm really conflict adverse. I'd also worry she had told her DD and it could upset her to be 'dis-invited'.

I can easily see how this would happen, I would think a text rather than face to face in case she is embarrassed, along the lines of sorry for the mix up, it's not a party but a small group going bowling/ice skating or whatever and DD unfortunately can't invite all the lovely girls in the class so please don't cancel the other event. I think the mother was much more unreasonable than you for assuming although I do agree mentioning it at all wasn't great.

One of my DDs announced to the class she was having a go Karting party and magnanimously invited a number of children. When I looked into booking it, it was nearly £50 a head so she was allowed to invite 3 and the rest had to be uninvited (they never actually had been invited in the first place apart from my DD and in spite of me telling her NEVER to discuss a party unless the whole class has been invited!!)

We have done whole class parties from 4 until 12 (once in secondary dynamics seem to change).

I always had it like that as a child too and we have been invited to plenty of whole class parties every year (going on until the end of primary school).

Smaller parties are more unusual I would say from experiance, people tend to opt for a whole party, a family only at home party or no party and an experiance.

What you tend to find is by about 8 or so the RSVP yeses you get tend to be the same 'group' of kids so we invite 30 but the same 10 or so RSVP yes (usually seperates roughly into boys for boys, girls for girls etc...) but the whole class was invited.

• same 10 or so friends