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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - school Mum invited herself to my kid's party

122 replies

Aliciasattic · 21/06/2022 22:00

My DD is turning 8 in August and we've organised a small party for her, telling her she can have six guests from school. It's an activity so fairly pricey per child, hence the numbers.
One of the school Mum's asked me if my DD was attending an event that coincides with the date of the party and I foolishly said, no because it's her birthday and she's having a party. The Mum instantly said, oh ok I'll say no to the event then as she (her DD) would much rather go to your party.
The kids have literally never played together.

Instead of replying, sorry she's not invited I sort of sheepishly murmured something about having to go and headed off. I'm now stressed out about this, should I just let the kid come? Or was the Mum being cheeky to just assume her kid was invited? There are lots of smaller parties in the class, so nothing new there. For what it's worth she seems like a nice person, although I don't know her particularly well and my DD has never had any negative experiences with the other kid. But still, there's other kids she'd rather invite if there was the option of an extra space and I feel like I've been backed into a corner.

I'm annoyed with myself but also finding the whole thing a bit stressful and awkward.

What would you do?

OP posts:
IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 21/06/2022 23:48

I don't think you were rude - its part of our tricky human brain to occasionally say things without thinking.

If the people who have called you rude think they have never done they are either deluded or robots.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 23:57

Vikinga · 21/06/2022 23:29

What a weirdo! 'Are you going to xx event' 'No, because I'm going on holiday' ' oh, I'd much rather go on holiday with you, I'll cancel the event'

I would just not invite her. I mean how would she even know what the activity is and what time?

Slightly different scenario.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/06/2022 23:57

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 21/06/2022 23:48

I don't think you were rude - its part of our tricky human brain to occasionally say things without thinking.

If the people who have called you rude think they have never done they are either deluded or robots.

Or just have normal decent manners.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 22/06/2022 00:09

@OchonAgusOchonOh

Im sure you are the epitome of an upstanding citizen and are flawless

OchonAgusOchonOh · 22/06/2022 00:12

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 22/06/2022 00:09

@OchonAgusOchonOh

Im sure you are the epitome of an upstanding citizen and are flawless

While anyone can be inadvertently rude, recognising that rudeness when it is pointed out and remedying the situation is part of normal manners.

And yes, of course I'm flawless 😇

Wheelz46 · 22/06/2022 05:51

@OchonAgusOchonOh yes OP may have made a mistake by mentioning her daughters party but may have just mentioned it without really thinking. Rude or not, the other parent was also rude to bag an invite to a party their daughter hadn't received an invitation to!

I wouldn't have personally mentioned my kids party but if I was in a position where it did slip out, I wouldn't and couldn't just suck it up. Yes, I would apologise for the misunderstanding but invite a child on my child's behalf, not a chance!

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/06/2022 06:34

At 8 children know they know they won’t be invited to everyone’s party. The mum was rude to assume her dd was invited regardless of the circumstance. She doesn’t get to decide how you spend your money.

Has your dd already invited her friends? And do you normally talk to this mum about your plans or even talk to her at all? Unless you do, it sounds as though she or her daughter has heard about the party. If the invitations haven’t gone out, perhaps your daughter may be talking about it at school, which is going to cause problems. Party discussions need to be kept private so as not to hurt feelings.

I really think you should decide how to tackle this with the other mum. Is she a tiger mummy/queen bee type? And talk to your dd to ensure she understands not to discuss party plans in front of those not invited.

KindChick · 22/06/2022 06:42

Some kids parties - all kids in the class are invited (esp if it’s at some sort of venue) and other kids it’s just a small number of close friends. To be fair to this mum she has clearly interpreted party as everyone, maybe if you had said Dc is having a few friends round to xyz it would have been clear. I think this mum has just stumbled into this without realising. Or you never know what could be going on, maybe her daughter is struggling to make friends or mum is worried and she has been a bit presumptive to try and help her daughter.

drpet49 · 22/06/2022 06:45

You need to fix this. Your daughter has picked her closest friends. You can’t invite this other girl- your daughter will be so disappointed.

Clymene · 22/06/2022 06:49

Well it's quite natural to assume you're invited to a party if someone mentions one.

Basically, what you did was say 'oh no, we're not doing X because my daughter's having a party and your daughter isn't invited'. Except you didn't say the last bit of the sentence out loud because clearly that would be horrible.

She clearly doesn't think you could be that mean.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/06/2022 06:54

I think it's really unfair on your daughter if she's had to choose and leave out some of her friends, to then have to have a child she barely knows there. How does she explaing that to the friends she couldn't invite?

I can still recall overhearing at a party when I was 7 or 8 "My mum said I had to invite her" and knowing that they probably meant me; and that was 50+ years ago.

lollipoprainbow · 22/06/2022 07:01

I wouldn't dream of assuming my dd was invited to a party on this premise, bizarre !!

Lanareyrey · 22/06/2022 07:08

I had a school mum ask me why her child wasn’t invited to a very small party we had once. Just ignore she can’t turn up without knowing where the party is! Cheek of some people!

BogRollBOGOF · 22/06/2022 07:22

The other mum is the cheeky fucker for changing her plans and assuming that her child's going to a party that came up in a general discussion about a date. It sounds like she could have been fishing for it anyway.

My son's aren't invited to a party until the parent has sent out an invitation with details. They're of the age where there's lots of small friendship parties that they don't go to.

DS1 has a small circle of friends (he actually bumped up the activity numbers with DS2's as DS2 had been prohibited from two years of spring birthday parties and was happier to have more younger children there than additional classmates). His party has been referred to in general conversation with other parents, and I've known of plenty of other parties that I wouldn't expect him to go to. It's rare for anyone to assume that a mention is an invitation.

ladydimitrescu · 22/06/2022 07:24

Message her as PP have suggested, "apologies, I think you misunderstood. It's a small party with close friends and we have no more space, enjoy the event".

JustRestingMyEyesForAMinute · 22/06/2022 07:29

I think it's the use of the word party that might have caused confusion.

Sorry we can't make it as DD is going bowling with a few friends for her birthday= no indication anyone else is invited

Sorry it's DDs birthday and she's having a party = suggests everyone in the class/larger group will be invited

The other mum probably thinks she's doing the polite thing. A nicely worded message will clear things up.

JustRestingMyEyesForAMinute · 22/06/2022 07:31

I've just chosen bowling as an example but assume it's something similar

Doyoumind · 22/06/2022 07:32

Deal with it for the sake of your DD and the other girl. I can't believe people are suggesting you suck it up and your DD has a girl she's not friendly with at her party. How about putting her first instead of discomfort or politeness? The other woman is a CF. Set her straight and tell her she's misinderstood and numbers are limited.

Sunshine1235 · 22/06/2022 07:34

You need to tell her asap so her child can attend the other activity. Sounds like she just assumed it was an all class party or maybe her child thinks she’s closer to your daughter than she is. Either way you need to learn to speak up and not mumble something and walk off

Clymene · 22/06/2022 07:38

Sunshine1235 · 22/06/2022 07:34

You need to tell her asap so her child can attend the other activity. Sounds like she just assumed it was an all class party or maybe her child thinks she’s closer to your daughter than she is. Either way you need to learn to speak up and not mumble something and walk off

Yes indeed

itsgettingweird · 22/06/2022 07:40

Sounds like crossed wires.

You mentioned the party specifically as a reason not to go and it could read she was invited.

In future just say you can't make that date but you'd love to know how they found it.

What you do now depends on whether you think inviting her is worth the money or not for a misunderstanding.

I'm a wuss and would just suck up the unintentional invite Blush

NerrSnerr · 22/06/2022 07:42

Sunshine1235 · 22/06/2022 07:34

You need to tell her asap so her child can attend the other activity. Sounds like she just assumed it was an all class party or maybe her child thinks she’s closer to your daughter than she is. Either way you need to learn to speak up and not mumble something and walk off

I agree with this. She may have made an assumption but you can't leave her thinking her daughter is invited. You need to be honest ASAP.

Original poster
Aliciasattic · 22/06/2022 07:44

Thanks for all your replies!
I agree it probably sounds like I was a bit rude to mention the party if I wasn't going to invite the kid. Believe me I realised the second I said it.
In my defence, there are lots of small parties and playdates constantly going on with the class, and the other kid is a popular little girl who seems to be in on everything. To give you an example there have been multiple parties all over social media that mine hasn't been invited to, with just a handful of kids there. I don't personally mind and neither does my daughter because she's not friends with them and has her own thing going on.

Good point made about the kid not knowing anyone and not enjoying it, I think that's worth considering with the dynamics. Also we did put a limit on numbers and I know she'd rather invite someone else before this kid.

I'm going to get my big girl pants on and have a word with the Mum. She seems like a nice person and I'm more worried about embarrassing her and making it awkward than any fall out, I don't believe she or the kid would be mean or upset about it.

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 22/06/2022 07:48

@Aliciasattic I would probably tell a bit of a white lie to save face. I'd tell the mum that plans have changed a bit and you're now not having an actual party, just a couple of their close friends instead.

That makes it less embarrassing all round, and it's not untrue - you are just having a few close friends. She doesn't need to know it was never a proper, big party. That's what I would go for - makes it easier to sort things out smoothly with no worry about offence.

Yerroblemom1923 · 22/06/2022 07:51

I'm guessing the party is a few weeks away so just give out invites to your child's mates and not the uninvited kid. Her and her mother will be none the wiser as to date and venue so can't exactly just rock up.
I honestly don't understand the mentality of some parents. Beyond cheeky. How will their kids learn that you can't be invited to every party if even the parents can't get their heads around it?!
Is she the mother of a kid that never gets invited to parties and this has led to her being really pushy????